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I attended my first meeting last night. It was very informative but to me, sad.
I plan on attending at least 6 meetings, I had a terrible sense of deja vu from attending my first meeting when I was married to my ex. That marriage ended after I saw women there in their 60's still dealing with the disease...and I didn't want to be one of those women.
Fast forward to today and here I am, shockingly, attending another meeting and feeling the same way.
Just a little bit of history of what's happened in the last 3 months, I guess my husband started attending AA in January. I was diagnosed with MS last year and I was unable to work so I applied for SSDI, which I now receive.
My lack of income has completely stressed my husband out (even now with SS coming in), even though his business is doing very well, his attitude is that he works for his money and he should be able to spend it anyway he wants. I should have been that way when I was the one making more money and paying most of the bills, both while he was incarcerated and then when he was released.
My husband was really unhappy, pressuring me to go back to work "you don't look sick", all of which creates stress that really doesn't work well for people with MS. He also had a business problem, and bad news from that caused him to walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer. Thankfully he walked away from it, and went to an AA meeting.
The problem I/we have now is that while he was attending meetings just about every night, he was lying to me about where he was. He stopped kissing me goodbye in the morning and when I asked about it, he said "he just wasn't feeling it". That and his coming and going threw up about half a dozen red flags and I began to think he was cheating on me (we had an episode with him cheating at the very beginning of our relationship). In all the years we've been together, I never considered him to be an alcoholic, just a social drinker. I didn't even believe him when he told he was an alcoholic while sitting in a jail cell. He hasn't had a drink since 2008, and I am really proud of him for attending the AA meetings.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I started tracking where he was and who he was calling. Things that he was telling me didn't add up (like telling me not to spend any money, yet he was buying pricey dinners at restaurants I had never been to).
My husband has been very critical and verbally abusive throughout our relationship. In fact, a couple of week after he had been in jail, he was being abusive to me on the phone and I told him he might as well start drinking again, because his behavior was no different. He attended many AA classes while incarcerated, but apparently they do nothing to address "dry drunks". A couple of weeks ago, I was working on filing taxes, when he started being critical about getting them done and would they be done in time. (Hello I've been taking care of myself and you for a really long time now)! I hate it when he treats me like I'm stupid, I actually bought my own home while he was in prison (another resentment he has now because it was "MY" house).
Anyway we had literally been bickering back and forth since January, and aside from that, he basically stopped talking to me unless it had to do with his business. When I finished the taxes that night, I posted on my FB page "Stick a fork in me, I'm done!". For some reason my husband thought I was leaving him (I had told him several times that he was being so mean to me, that maybe I just needed to move home) because he seemed so angry all the time (because I wasn't working).
The next day, I called him to tell him the outcome of the tax filing, he was curt with me on the phone and hung up. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day and when I called him at 5 pm to see where he was, he told me he was going fishing. I had just stopped at the bank to take out money for the rent. He was out until 3 am (they do night fishing here). I checked our account when I got home and he had transferred the balance from the business account to his personal account. That through me into a complete panic. (sometimes my MS makes me behave in ways I normally wouldn't), a lot of my issues are cognitive and emotional. I texted him and told him I was going to pack up our animals and drive home (2300 miles), because I really felt like he was seeing someone else.
Saturday, he disappeared without a trace and I pretty much had calmed down and realized there was no way I could drive home by myself and with 6 animals in tow. Plus I didn't realistically have anywhere to stay. I was in a lot of pain about this whole thing. He came back home Saturday, again at 3 am.
Sunday, was a repeat of Saturday except he came home around 9:30 pm. He told me he was trying to stay out of my way because I wanted him to leave. I also need to add, he started sleeping in the extra bedroom.
Monday, he went to work, came home and left. Then he came back and I hid the keys to my car. That really set him off, he ended up getting in my face and I asked him to leave several times. I was scared of him and he wouldn't leave and he wouldn't stop shouting at me so I called the police, which to him is almost unforgivable.
Tuesday, we had a fight because I'd suspended his cell phone line (nothing worse than paying for the phone they're using to call their girlfriend). The phone was also his business line, so he freaked out about that. The phone line was turned back on and then he started negotiating for one of my cars, that he needs to use as a backup in case his car breaks down.
Wednesday was more of the same, Thursday is when everything finally came to a head, because he rented a storage unit and took my car! He blocked me from calling so I called my daughter and told her to call him and tell him I would file a stolen car report if he didn't bring the car back. He came home after making sure the cops weren't called and told me he didn't feel comfortable with me any more, he told me all we did was bicker and fight and we were both miserable. He cried some about the email he got from his dad telling him he was sick, he told me he's really depressed and I already know he has anxiety disorder.
We talked for a while and then decided to go get something to eat and went to our usual place. We drove separately because he was going to go fishing. I went in the restaurant and waited and waited for him. Suddenly I had the feeling he was on the phone with his "girlfriend". I called him and asked him where he was, and he came in and we were seated. I said something to him about the phone call and he accused me of bringing him to the restaurant to bust his chops, which was never my intention. He stormed out of the restaurant and so did I. I left tire tracks leaving the parking lot, I was that pissed. I got home and sent a text message to the # he'd been calling, telling whoever it was that they were breaking my heart...please leave us alone. I had asked my husband repeatedly for almost a week who the phone call were to and he refused to answer.
My husband came home about 35 minutes after that, sat down and said "You need to know that I've been going to AA meetings since January and the phone calls you're seeing are to my sponsor".
I was completely hurt and shocked that he didn't tell me he was going to the meetings, and yet still being horribly mean to me the whole time he was going. Another thing he had told me earlier that day was that he was "detaching" himself from our relationship, which to me sounds like there is no hope of fixing anything.
He still has my car in storage (he trades it out every night) and he's moved a lot of the parts to the car to the storage unit as well.
I am mortified over the way I acted last week, but still really angry that he didn't tell me where he was. Now he's just coming and going like it's a hotel, he's pissed at me for paying too much money to his attorney and leaving him little to get by on until his next customer check comes in. That's the other thing, how he manipulated me into handling the books for his business even though I have no idea how to do accounting, because he was too cheap to pay an accountant.
He's pretty much only talking to me about the business and nothing else...and still leaving every night. I feel like he's now replaced me with his sponsor...and talks with him about things he used to talk to me about.
I'm not expecting anything posting this, I just wanted to get things off my chest. I love him with all my heart, but this situation of him treating our home like a hotel, is really quite unbearable for me. I've asked him to move out but he and I both know he has nowhere to go and can't afford anything. I'm not really sure how much longer I can take living like this. I am looking for a job, if for no other reason to protect myself, my disability isn't enough for me to live on and pay my medical insurance, which I have to have.
I attended my first meeting last night. It was very informative but to me, sad.
I plan on attending at least 6 meetings, I had a terrible sense of deja vu from attending my first meeting when I was married to my ex. That marriage ended after I saw women there in their 60's still dealing with the disease...and I didn't want to be one of those women.
Dear Hulahoop, I am sorry to read of the difficulties that you are encountering with this dreadful disease I am glad that you found a meeting and plan to attend at least 6 different meetings before making a decision. I believe that anyone attending al anon is in a better emotional space than the people who are living with the disease and do not reach out for help. Recovery is a process and even if we are no longer living with the disease we need a program of recovery because we too have become infected by the disease, Our responses are sometimes as irrational as the alcoholic and we become unreasonable without knowing it. Leaving the marriage or alcoholic does not stop our disease Alanon has the answers
Please keep sharing here as well . You are not alone.
I read a lot of toxic residue in the relationship due to alcoholism...but also serious communication and trust issues that have a life of their own. Just put your serenity and peace first....please. In support of you....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 14th of April 2015 09:23:18 PM
Welcome. It's great that you've decided to give Alanon a chance. You may find that you actually look forward to meetings and the lifelong friendships that are possible. It's great that your husband is in recovery and has a sponsor. If he feels he's an alcoholic, he is one. He's the one living in his body, he knows. Good for him for walking away from the pitcher of beer when under stress and the bar.
As far as having a sponsor, it's a choice you can make for yourself too in this program if you feel it's what you want. You may find there are things you want to share with a female sponsor that you wouldn't want to share with your husband - things like you've shared in your post here. Private sharings with sponsors are not about not loving your spouse enough to tell them what's going on, it's about trying to figure yourself out and show up as a better person in the world for yourself and those around you. I understand you feel left out right now by your husband's decision to keep the fact that he's been speaking with an AA sponsor a private matter. It's easy to see how you might worry it's a girlfriend if things aren't going well right now. Bottom line, he's in recovery and trying to stay well. He's only been going to AA since January and that isn't very long. If he's acting like a dry drunk as you say... well, he maybe if he's just stopped drinking he is "dry" not emotionally sober yet. You'll learn a lot about alcoholism if you keep reading this board and attend meetings. You'll learn a lot about yourself too.
In a way, you both need to do what keeps you relaxed. You say stress affects your ms and he's affected by stress and calls his sponsor to talk about it and not drink.
I hope the meetings help you feel better emotionally and physically and you like them enough to keep coming. The day might come that you find if you keep coming to Alanon and he keeps going to AA that you see the progress of working the program within your marriage with new and better ways of communicating with one another and solving problems together. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can relate SO much to a lot of what you posted. I have journals filled with the day to day break downs of what is going on. I found it helpful to me to reread, so I could see what was happening, and tell myself I wasn't crazy. That my feelings and my actions were based in something, if not justified. The tax thing... Oh, boy, yeah. My wife and I have been together 8 years. We have been able to file taxes jointly on the federal level 2 years and in our state for this first time this year. (Am I ever excited about THAT! 2 forms instead of 4!!!) Taxes take their own time, and you have to be in the right frame of mind to do them. Was I ever relieved when I could just do 1 return for both of us! And this year! I didn't have that super special form to fill out for the state when I had to allocate income to me or her so the state could figure taxes for us individually where we had files jointly federally. (Seems straightforward, but it really is not. Not with a rental property and that negative income, anyway.) I stopped keeping track of the days of helpless and pointless nagging... And MS, that is a challenge I see the people I love in my family dealing with. It is not easy. And, I can also relate to going to meetings secretly. I have been going to alanon meetings since my wife wrecked the car and herself in Feb. I wasn't ready to tell her until last week. (Well, I wasn't ready then, either, but I risked it.)
I hope you keep coming back here, and I hope that you find a face to face meeting that fits. (I am learning, in my short experience, that every meeting isn't a good fit. It is about finding the one or the ones that fit you and your needs.)
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi Hula, welcome to Al-Anon. So glad you posted and shared with us.
Going to six different meetings is a wonderful idea. There are online meetings that are hosted here at Miracles In Progress, fourteen a week. The times are 9am and 9pm et and a little different on the weekends. The link to the meeting/chat room is at the top of this page.
Please keep coming back, and one of the most important suggestions I heard in Al-Anon is to take what you like and leave the rest. This program is designed to help you, and I know it was a relief to me to hear I could take the program at my own pace. Nice to have you here!
I was attending 3-5 different meetings every week for about 8 weeks before it clicked. I don't think 6 meetings is always enough to "catch" Al-anon. and if you can go to different groups do that too.
Detaching with love is NOT leaving the relationship, it's about keeping ourselves sane. Before we can detach with love however we often detach with anger which is where I think you AH is now.
Did SSDI backpay you? how soon before you get Medicare? (you need to be 2 years into disability checks for that to happen)
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I was attending 3-5 different meetings every week for about 8 weeks before it clicked. I don't think 6 meetings is always enough to "catch" Al-anon. and if you can go to different groups do that too.
Detaching with love is NOT leaving the relationship, it's about keeping ourselves sane. Before we can detach with love however we often detach with anger which is where I think you AH is now.
Did SSDI backpay you? how soon before you get Medicare? (you need to be 2 years into disability checks for that to happen)
He is leaving the relationship. He says he no longer wants to be here, he no longer feels comfortable here. He had said something about separating back in February but I thought he was being a smart a$$ because he was mad at me for something (as usual). He had already been going to AA when he said that. He's been moving his stuff out of the house because I want him out. There's been an ongoing battle since the 1st of the month, he's moving out stuff but "HE IS" still here...he says he has nowhere to go. Sleeping in another room, only here to shower and sleep...acting like a 17 year old instead of 45...can anyone say MID LIFE CRISIS?
I can't do this...I CANNOT be his safety net any longer. If he can't be in the relationship, then he needs to move!
I honestly believe that going to the AA meetings has given him a new crutch. Instead of me, he now has AA. He's really completely withdrawn emotionally from our marriage and has been since February. I'm almost starting to wonder if he's met someone at the AA meetings...or are people really that HAPPY to go to AA meetings?
No backpay, yes I already know about the 24 month waiting period for Medicare which makes absolutely no sense to me.
I've made arrangements for mental health counseling. He can do what he wants, but until he admits he has an anger management problem, nothing will change. He has a hold on the drinking problem, but he is refusing any counseling...as if he thinks they'll talk him into staying. He's not behaving rationally at all!
-- Edited by hulahoop24 on Wednesday 22nd of April 2015 10:29:27 PM
I had a mental health counseling session today and we determined the dear husband has Anti-Social Personality Disorder aka Psychopath. There's not much that can be done with him, and so I bid you all adieu. She said it's possible that one day he may connect the dots and figure out he has a mental issue, but while most of them do recognize it, they refuse to get treatment (such as it is). Ready to rock and roll and find a better life out there, anything is better than the last 11 years.
