Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Met someone...no red flags...but he is an alcoholic


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 184
Date:
Met someone...no red flags...but he is an alcoholic


Greetings beautiful people. I have been away for a while. Busy with life and happiness for a change. I am happy to say that I have filed for divorce (final in june). (nothing was changing and I was verbally abused.)  I have taken back control of my life, and even moved. Following where I am being led. 

I recently met a man. We've been on 4 long dates. (good long lol). And I found out that he goes to AA meetings. He is part native american, his father was an alcoholic (moved away from him when he was 3). He realized that alcohol was controlling his life, and wanted to be sure he was in a good place so that he could take care of his mom since he is the only child. 

I noticed no red flags, no "alcoholic" behaviors of manipulation or the such. Just a guy who I can tell is trying to be the best version of himself he can be. goes to church. I can tell that people look up to him. He mentors people. 

Then the other day, he said I'll be back in a bout an hour... I'm going to my AA meeting. 

My gut reaction was actually JOY. can you believe that. I actually teared up. I have recognized how special this program is and how it has shaped my life for the better. I often think to myself if I would even want to have a relation ship with someone of they were not familiar with a 12 step program. 

So...How did I do it? lol I actually met him on Match. lol. It wasn't like I advertised that I was married to an alcoholic or that I am a recovering codependent. Perhaps my higher power isn't done with me yet? 

Again, I really didn't see any flags, and having a healthy relationship is of the utmost importance to me. My biggest worry is that I slip back into codependency. One of the things that most excited me was how he pointed out how important it is that we each maintain our own friends and activities, which is exactly what I need. 

I'd love your thoughts. thanks and blessings

 



__________________

Many Blessings,

"Sweet Susie"

 BEFORE-YOU-JUDGE-ME.jpgim in charge and I'm happypeople bring you down, you are above themresponsibilty for your energy



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1896
Date:

Hi Susie, welcome back. Congrats on getting your life back. I remember telling you that it wouldn't be long before you weren't sadsusie anymore, and you've made that transition. YAY!!

And it sounds like you have given over your life to knowing what you do and don't have control over, his AA meeting and such.

I know if it were me it would give me pause to know my new SO was an acloholic, because I know a relapse can always happen. But, if he told you, and you didn't detect it yourself with the fine-tuned spidey senses that I'm sure you have by now, then that is a pretty good sign I would say.

Keep coming back here when you can, we do miss you!

Kenny

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1258
Date:

Aww, Susie good for you. I am on match, too, and have met a lot of wonderful men there. One of whom has become a best friend and I use program stuff on him all the time. He's not ready for a dating relationship and admits that he shouldn't have been on match anyway, as he is extremely codependent on his last xgf. He calls me for advice and we go hiking from time to time. I swear he's like a sponsee, LOL!

It's funny because he lives only 10 minutes away and I am actually friends with his aunt, and we had lots of mutual friends in common once we realized how close we lived to each other. He is not an addict but has many emotional issues and I love the fact that I can be friends with him and not try to fix him or enable him or get involved with him romantically.

It sounds like you are in a good place. You know the risks of being involved with a recovering alcoholic. But, you know what I've learned from starting this dating stuff: everyone has baggage and even if they're not addicts, they might still have red flags. A friend of mine in program always says, "Don't turn a red flag into a yellow flag into a green flag." And, that's great advice for us as we move forward. As long as you know what a red flag is to you, then you can use awareness and program tools to help you move forward however you see fit.

Hugs to you! My divorce should be final in June, July at the latest. I'm so happy to hear that you are moving forward. I've been having fun dating and making new friends. I went out with a new guy last night and he texted me after to see if I'd be interested in date number 2. It's exciting to feel that you are wanted and desired by 'normal' men, LOL. Keep me posted or send me a PM.....love to hear about how you're moving on!



__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 184
Date:

Thanks for the encouragement! It actually feels great to just like him and not Be gaga over him. It feels great to be realisitc. Its great that I recognize that he isn't perfect (cause no one is). Its great that I can finally decide what imperfections are deal breakers or are flags so to speak. I would have never done this before. I am finally admitting that even thought he has already told me he loves me (lol cause I am aweseome!) I don't feel the need to say I love you back or even necessarily BE in love with him. I am in Like with him and think that he has a lot of potential, and am so looking forward to getting to know him better. And actually get to know myself better while I am at it.

I am a whole new person now, mentally and physically. I've lost 90lbs and am in a 12 (at 5'9") so I am pretty close to my goal weight. And after having a husband who would barely touch me, to know have someeone who wants to stroke my cheek at dinner - and tells me how sexy my legs are - its like I am in recovery again. So, THIS is how things are supposed to happen!

Best thing is that as part of our date weekend - taking me to church was on his list. I am working now..but I'll try to pm you, andromeda. Good luck with your divorce!

__________________

Many Blessings,

"Sweet Susie"

 BEFORE-YOU-JUDGE-ME.jpgim in charge and I'm happypeople bring you down, you are above themresponsibilty for your energy



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:

It's great that you have your wits about you!  One question I'd have is how long he's been in recovery.  If it's only one or two years, that might be a red flag in itself.  Not that he's doomed to relapse, but that he will have a statistically much higher chance of relapse than someone who's stayed in for 30 years or, of course, than someone who's never had a drinking problem.  I did know someone who worked AA hard for 15 years and then had a relapse and never really recovered from it.  I'm sorta kinda in a relationship with someone who's been in AA for 29 years, and I am still ready to cut and run if any drinking behavior shows up.  Because I know how bad it can get.  Take good care of yourself!



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

I would say don't get involved with a person in recovery, but um....What if I said that to my husband when I met him? Hrm. I am glad you are doing so well!!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3968
Date:

Wow, I laugh only because online is how we date these days and met my wonderful boyfriend on zoosk and we are doing great after our first year together. Pinkchip has a good point I think I had a gut reaction to read he is in recovery also, but it works for some and you will know with time and working hard on your own program. I am glad you are happy and keep us posted. Sending you love and support on your journey!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

Susie!!! Its so good to hear things are going well for you. You done it, you got your sanity back. I can see what you mean about wanting someone with a 12 step program, we seem to be great people, i can relate. Thanks for sharing, it works whe we work it right enough.x

__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 24
Date:

Wow Susie......I can really relate to your post. I have been dating a man for 6 months now who has 8+ years of sobriety and goes to daily meetings - and works his program. I, like you, welcome a healthy relationship with someone who knows and works the steps. But I have to be honest that being with such a guy also really brings up my "stuff" and can be a challenge. I need to keep working my own program. My own ghosts come back and haunt me regularly and I try to fight them off. My alcoholic husband committed suicide 5 years ago. I realize that I'm not used to being with an emotionally healthy man (or one who knows and works on his shortcomings.)

Congratulations on your weight loss and taking care of yourself.

~Beth

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Knowing me alcoholism is a red flag...just for me.  Born there, been there, are there daily because I bring my experiences along with me not because they are alcoholic only.  When I learned that I was in recovery because of me and my participation in the disease I accepted that I carry some pretty weird and wild character defects from birth in reaction to life.  It isn't only with alcoholics that  I have done weird and wild reactions to life and that is why I will remain in my programs.   Wishing you good fortune, in support.   (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.