The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just when I think i have got it all worked out. I realize Im at the beginning again. My ego sneaks into my progress and inflates while I am not looking and then I see it and I am like, I thought I dealt with you already!!!!!! I think im still fighting without even realising it. Im thinking I need to get down and honest again, maybe a step 4. Im letting go but taking it back or Im like well thanks god you helped but I am better now so I got this from here!!!! I have made so much progress but im still in my early days. I was thinking, Im in this 3 years, im an old timer! lol. Aye right! Ive used my intellect to learn this and its seeped into my heart but i would like to start feeling it more. Can you relate?
Hi LC I can certainly relate to believing that I have this program down pat, only to find my ego has returned and that I am back, manipulating and attempting to control. This has happened so often in my many years in program that I've determined I am a lifelong member and must always live my life one day at a time, focused on myself--- my inner thoughts, beliefs and actions.
In order to keep a better check on myself I do a 10th step every night and a fourth step every year. I believe there is a reading recently in the Courage to Change that says we have operated one way for so long that it is understandable that takes time and effort to change.
Making the effort. One day at a time is what I I have determined to do.
I can relate LC! It seems to come and go. Sometimes I feel very connected to my HP and others times I'm searching for that connection. I find for me, I lose my connection the more I try to figure out God and Spirituality? It's like if I just do what I've learned and not worry about the HOWS this thing works, I get the results and connected. It seems counter intuitive doesn't it?
I know what has worked for me is getting more
God into my life. I am not religious but being
around and with religious people has opened
up my soul I had forgotten I even had anymore.
I feel God but not as deep as I know I need to,
to maximize my recovery and bring joy back
into my life. My pain and hurt stop me from
being as trusting and willing as I should be.
I hope to one day be at peace and serene
filled with joy and contentment.
I Chuckled at you being an "old timer" Cause I Remember when you got to MIP... I had been here 3 at that time ;) and Still Everyday I Seem to have to Turn it Over again and again... Yet when I'm in Nature I Can Flow with HP and Be Content, Yet in Everyday Run ins with AFamily, and Others... I Have to Remember to HALT... "Am I" Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? and for Me a lot of times that is when I don't do so Well in my Day... and Continue to have to Hand it over...
I Will say that is what I Love about this Program, the Chance and the Choices are Mine, Yet Even when I Stumble Al-Anon has Given me the Tools to be OK Starting back at Step #1... and starting the Waltz 1..2..3... 1..2...3...
A Dear Program friend of Mine, Said she Daily does "Mini" Step 4's the Minute she Finds herself Out of Sorts... I liked the Idea of that, and have Started to work on this Myself, I Hope to Find it lifts and Helps me Make New, More Healthy Habits instead of My Old Ways of Cunning, and Manipulative...
Thanks for Your Share, and Thanks for the Reminder that we are All Human in this Disease ;)
Thanks Jozie for this topic today!! I had one of those difficult days today ... due to the fact that I work with someone who has been in an unusually bad mood for the past three weeks and it is beginning to wear on me. I think that they want a confrontation, and the fact that they are extremely unhappy with their life ... it reminds me of the saying that misery loves company!! I think she has money problems as well as an eating and drinking disorder as well. I almost lost it today, but glad I didn't!!! Your post reminds me that I must really leave these types of situations in the hands of my HP, just like I do with difficult situations with AH (no different as far as I am concerned). Putting this difficult person in the hand of HP definitely takes the pressure off!! {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I don't feel like I ever have it worked out. Everyday is different. I open my mind and heart to what ever will come my way in any given day. We have never been on this path before so we can't possibly know or have it all figured out. Even when we are 100 we will be figuring things out. I have met people who "think" they have everything figured out and have pat answers for everything and you can't tell them anything different. I hope to not become that kind of person, and keep an open mind and heart. As far as recovery goes, sometimes we take 2 steps forward and one step back, what that means to me is that we at least got "one step" under our belts. Take a look at yourself lc, you have come a ways and you will surely never be that person who "knows it all". If I say "ok I got this one God" I always add "but don't go far because something else might come up tomorrow. linsc
You are not going to feel spiritually centered at all times. Furthermore, life is such that we have different challenges as we age. So...we have to shift our belief systems and our relationship with our HP as we move through this life we are given.
Don't get down on yourself though. It's like the program is your flashlight for making this journey. It helps to light the way but doesn't make everything perfectly clear all the time. It sure beats stumbling around in the dark though right?
Thanks for your wisdom everyone. I kind of got to the bottom of it and its set me free again. Until i can sit comfortably with all of me then im gojng to feel a bit agitated. My higher power seems to be telling me to feel whatever im feeling, let it pass through, sadness, irritability will pass if i let it. I get it into my head sometimes that i should always feel serene and calm and happy because im in recovery. Its back to the old perfectionism again, recovery is perfect, im working it so i should be perfect at all times and perfect means happy happy joy joy. Its never going to be that way. Its letting go of these unrealistic expectatikns that build up from time to time.love you guys.x
