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Post Info TOPIC: fear and guilt


Member

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Posts: 11
Date:
fear and guilt


My adult son 23 years old recently married. His wife is from Russia. She - an orphan. My son is a student and does not have enough money to support his family. Before his marriage, I talked to him and his wife that the family  is a serious matter. The fact that it means responsibility. I said that I can not give them money. They should only rely on themselves.

Two days ago, my son called me and asked me to help him. He said that before the wedding, his wife was in the hospital.She was pregnant. Things turned bad. She lost the baby. Since she was in Norway on a tourist visa she had to pay the hospital bills. Her insurance company first promised her to pay.But then the insurance company changed its opinion.Son and his wife had not received notice from the insurance company to refuse to pay the bills.Now my son got in the mail account from the hospital. Amount increased more than 3 times.Insurance company apologized for the fact that they had not notified in time my son and his wife to refuse to pay the bills. Now   my son must pay. He called me and asked for help.

I do not have the money. I feel obligated to help my only son. I'm not working, my husband an active alcoholic. My husband works, perhaps, he has the money.My husband is stepfather for my son.My son wants I persuaded my husband to help them pay the bills.I do not want to do this, but I feel guilty.My sponsor tells me to care for my peace of mind and support my son, giving him love.

The wife of my son had to go to Russia, because my son has not enough income. His wife does not work. Their financial situation is very bad, but my son refuses to seek help from the social office. He says that it can become an obstacle to further reunion with his wife.Despite the financial problems my son and his wife often travel from Russia to Norway and vice versa. They told me a lot about what they love each other and the fact that it is hard to live far from each other.I think they're waiting to see what I'll fix it.

Previously, to Al-Anon, I was the one who took the problems of others. Now I realized that I only causes it harm my family.Now I sit and I feel guilty for what I can not help my son.My son - not dependent on alcohol or something else. But I see that family illness influenced him. He grew up with his stepfather - an active alcoholic. He has a lot of problems in his relationship. I told him about the program of adult children of alcoholics. Nothing more I can do for him. it is very difficult to behave in a new way for me. I am afraid that my son will not be able to cope with his problems.I want to believe that my son has his Higher Power...

Thanks for reading! I need your support.



-- Edited by salvie on Tuesday 14th of April 2015 10:40:25 AM

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Dear Salvie, I can certainly understand your concern and your dilemma. I too wanted to support my son in every possible fashion, but found that it was not financially possible for me.

Al-Anon taught me to keep the focus on myself and to not sacrifice my well-being for the well-being of others. Going into debt myself was not an option so that I had to refuse to lend money when it was not financially possible.

In reading your posting, I see that you were very clear, with your son regarding your financial abilities and this should not come as a surprise to him that you cannot pay off the medical bills.

I do know something about medical insurance here in the US and have just returned from a trip to Europe, where I read about the difficulties that several countries are encountering with their healthcare system. It appears that many people travel from country to country, using the medical services, and are never expected to pay. because of the several agreements between each country. The agreements are not honored and the patients find themselves liable. The article stated that the bills then go unpaind as no one can afford them. I do believe your son and his wife should pursue her insurance company for payment and follow the legal format designed to resolve these issues.

You are kind and loving parent and that is obvious. Allowing your son the dignity of working this out will also teach him many lessons you could not.
Prayers and positive thoughts for your family




__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 11
Date:

Dear Betty! Thanks for the support! And thank you for your wisdom!
I was so mad yesterday and I was so desperate that I was thinking about how to sell my jewelry. I prayed and asked God for guidance. Today, I think it would be wrong. It would be wrong in the first place for my son. I would not want to, he sought help only from me. His wife grew up without parents. I see that she affects my son, and now he blames all his problems of other people, the government, insurance companies, hospitals, and so on. I know from my experience that it is a dead end road. When I came to Al-Anon, I talked to him several times about victim position. I understand that he was affected by alcoholism a family disease. He is actually ACOA. I see that now, that his wife, who grew up without parents, and also has distorted thinking, does affect his attitude towards life and people. I know that I could not give my son the love he needed when he was a child. I would like to change my behavior now. My son and his wife did not get enough love when they grow up. I think it would be wrong to solve all their problems now. It does not help them to become mature adults.I am powerless over my son and daughter in law. I can not change them. This can be done only by God. I can only detach with love. If they understand my love only if I give them money, then I am powerless again .They can choose to be resented. Nothing I can do about it. I am now scared. I ask for God's help and the courage to act in new ways.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

I agree completelySalvie l Remember you are very human and did the best you could when your son was a child. You now have more powerful tools and a better understanidng of life and love and can love him with the guidance of HP.
Please keep coming back

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
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