The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH celebrated his 1 year sobriety on Friday. I attended his Friday meeting with him and watched him celebrate with several of his new friends, talk about his journey and get his chip. I know what hard work this is for him and I do feel proud he made it a year. I just wish it wasn't under forced conditions!
This has been one of the hardest years of my life. His multiple attempts at recovery, his being forced into a halfway house and then 3/4 way house. Being left to shoulder all the responsibilities of our life together has not been fun, nor pleasant. Although he is sober one year, he has a long way to go yet to reach emotional maturity and at times I get so annoyed.
Myself, I have learned so much through recovery programs and this board. I know longer get spun out over every darn thing he says or does. I do mything and if we are doing something together try my best to just enjoy the time together and when I feel so sad, resentful, angry about the entire mess, I pray, walk, run, crochet, talk to others...whatever it takes to move past those feelings.
I don't know what the next year will bring and I don't trust him to much yet either because I have to see for myself that once he is completely off probation he won't go back to his old ways. He gets mad and upset with that but too bad. As I told him this weekend when the trust conversation came up....you screwed me over every which way you could at the drop of a dime, because you are sober right this minute doesn't mean much to me. You are showing up, suiting up and talking the talk with your old housemates and others in the fellowship, but your home life is still a train wreck and you are still on probation, last time you came off probation you were back at it in a matter of hours. So my true test will be when you have no one forcing you to be sober.
He had promised a great many things while still leaving in the 3/4 way house which I took with a grain of salt and for the most part the promises made to me haven't come to light yet, oh a few little things here and there, but mostly I still deal with the attitude, resentfulness, anger, victim, manipulations etc. I called him on it finally on Saturday and he had an excuse of he gets overwhelmed and I don't understand how grueling hard it is for him to keep trying to stay sober....I suppose he is right, but at times I don't care, either man up and get on with it or stay stuck. So keeping an open mind we will see what the next year brings forth, either the same immature, poor me, I am overwhelmed little boy, or a good period of growth into adulthood. Hugs to you all.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Dear Linda, I am pleased that your partner has been able to achieve one year sobriety. That is a huge accomplishment. I must also note that your hard work in Al-Anon and your recovery is equally remarkable. It is important to realize that no matter what happens in the future, you'll have the support and tools to deal with it in a positive fashion, with courage serenity and wisdom one day and the time.
Awesome post. You learned so much about recovery from so many different directions. I have much respect for you. You have some really hard won wisdom. While life does not sound perfect (and nobody's life is), it does sound like you are sitting in a far betters spot than you were a year ago and you worked hard to get there.
It sure would be nice if your AH saw that you sticking to your program is just as hard and challenging as him sticking to his. I bet he has never considered that before...
Hi Linda, Yes, I remember your first posts here, they were full of understandable frustration, and had a few similarities to my experiences with rehab. But you have come far. One year is great for him, and a year is really great for you, as Betty said you now have tools to help you deal with life on life's terms.
It sure would be nice if your AH saw that you sticking to your program is just as hard and challenging as him sticking to his. I bet he has never considered that before...
Ahhh..Pink, I try to tell him about not only dealing with a recovery of my own, but having to be super patience, accepting, understanding etc in the wake of his and he doesn't grasp it at all. Maybe one day.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Hi linda you sound strong and loving your
Own life For yourself. He Can grow or stay
stuck in his recovery thats On him.You have
done all you could for him The rest is up to
Him wether he can get emotionally sober.
Hi, mine just had a year in Feb. I still don't trust him, life is good now but it is still hard. I keep telling him that I watch his actions and still can't take his word for things. EX. He promised to clean the garage, (that was in October) still not clean.....so I stopped going in there and if I need an item from there I tell him to get it for me because I don't want to look at his mess.
He doesn't remember a lot of things he did or said during his drinking and sometimes....if I am mad at him I really want to throw that junk back at him......but I don't.
(musical interlude)....the past is in the past...let it go....let it goooooooo........
interlude over
Am I happy? that is the question I ask a lot .....I don't know.....I am waiting to see.......... but I am calm and not CRAZY and that is good for today.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Oh, I envy you! One year sobriety seems so far away right now, when I pray for a day. Maybe more than one day...
It is all hard. I think, maybe, celebrating the sobriety while still feeling that there is so much missing, must be very hard.
A lot has happened this year for you both. And however that looks, that change deserves celebration.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hey Jillybean, thanks for responding, it's always good to hear from others in the same proverbial boat as myself! Life for us to is a whole bunch gooder, however I still deal with the very same thing! In fact we had a mini-blow up last weekend as we had agreed to do our lawn work, i.e, raking, mowing, seeding etc. He got the mowers out, started the mower, shut the mower, paced around so I started the mower and got busy, he fussed around, paced around and then I blew up!!!!
He explained to me that all the stuff you do while owning a house is so overwhelming! I asked him how in the hell he was able to mow grass, do chores, maintenance at the 1/2 way house, be all so cheerful and brag about doing all that stuff for a place he has no investment in.
This week again has been the same, he comes home from work, sits around, goes to his meetings, talks on the phone, that's it, that's all! I have given up on asking, nagging, begging, arguing etc for him to get his butt busy at home. I am not wasting anymore negative energy on this, I told him in my eyes it's nothing more than manipulation to get out of doing stuff.
I got things to do, people to see and places to go, join me or don't makes no never mind.....By the way that song is one of my favs!
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Aloha Flower and sorry the anxiety continues to rag on you. Its gotta have your permission to do that I learned in early Al-Anon which for a while pissed me off to no end because I knew it wouldn't let me unless it I allowed it. So I got tough on the suggestions for recovery...all of them. I learned when I want to bash my alcoholic/addict for what was going on and not going on to take it to my sponsor first with no holds barred.
I learned by listening with an open mind how insidious the disease is...it is truly cunning, powerful and baffling and can work my alcoholic/addict while at the same time working me. One year sober for me wasn't so much sober as it was just dry and that helped me to put more effort into my own recovery.
Learning as much as I could about the disease was an on going daily effort for me so that I would know when the insanity was running and it was try to have me and/or I was trying to have myself. I even went to college to find out as much as Ii could, mind, body, spirit and emotions which I would do again if the need arises. Alcoholism is a powerful and very old disease. The simple understanding and belief for me, the truth is that it is mind and mood altering and that it affects everyone it comes into contact with it. Yes truthfully mine and my moods get altered even if I am not drinking again.
One of the things I learned how to do was in detachment "shine it on" without being affected without making it "the" issue. All of my old reactive behaviors we let go and I gave up all invitations to act and react against the disease and my alcoholic/addict wife. I turned it over to my Higher Power and last time I checked HP still had it. (((((hug)))))
