seething - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

seething

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Sound to me that they like to yank your chain No
matter what it is about.They will find something to
Gripe about especially your parenting.

You could try "you could be right" routine. "I will
Have to think about that i will get back to you"

When my buttons are pushed i react and not
think it thru. That is the joy of texting or email
you can think before You react.

My ah and i only text or email each other. I dont
answer his resentments. I try not to deal With him
on our financial settlement.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Monday 13th of April 2015 06:26:44 AM

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

It irritates me to have people comment on my parenting. Its like going for the jugular especially when its couched as concern, oh poor little co-dependent me, I have to fix every one but myself, blech. See her for what she is, an unwell little Rottweiler and do what you have to do to keep her from interfering in your life. That crap about your daughter having issues has to stop. Tell her munchausens by proxy is a recognised psychological illness, and it concerns you that she may be suffering from it. Or not. In empathy, Edna

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I just re-read this and I need to be a lot meaner. Like wow, I need to stand up. In a big way.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi MS M. it certainly sounds to me as if you handled this situation with great dignity, courtesy and understanding. Congratulations! Remembering that I am e powerless over people places and things, enables me to say what I mean mean what I say without saying it mean and then walk away.

If the person persists, in contacting me in an attempt to push the subject, I answer with a simple sentence such as; "we're all entitled to our opinions. And to me my opinion matters most. So please stop contacting me as I will delete any future message." I will then do just as I said and let go of any anger resentment that pops up. I no longer am willing to surrender my serenity so that I can feel anger and resentment.. It is not worth it.

You're doing great.Ms M.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Can"t you block her on social media and the phones? that's what I would do... what she can't see she can't comment on.

IF another woman took MY child and cut her hair and pierced her ears I would NOT be saying she was nice. You are too kind.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Shes not all that clever Mel. It doesn't take much to know not to interfere with a Mothers mothering! I related to where you felt shame and fearful of this person. I felt like everybody knew better than me and their advice was the key to making my mothering better! What the hell did they know? Its crazy to think I thought everybody else knew better. No-one knows the perfect way to be a Mother, no-one. Its guilt that makes us feel like we are wrong in our Mothering. I found that every time I put up with bad behaviour or took part in it and neglected my duties as a Mother, because I did, then a little bit of guilt was added each and every time and I gradually believed I was a bad Mother and to be honest, I wasn't a good Mother. How can anyone be a good Mother when they are obsessed with alcoholism? I doubt its possible, or it wasn't possible for me. Now I am living in reality I can see that most humans are trying to fill the empty hole in themselves and most people are just doing their best with what they know. I think its good you can set healthy boundaries with this woman she sounds like shes one of us, a sick thinker.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I think I see how very damaged and sad I am. I really just think everyone is nice and everyone is right and i am broken and I should apologise for how I am. reality is somewhere in between. I just want to like everyone all the time. Its a kind of denial I guess.
My daughter cut her wrists tonight, very superficial scratches and she posted it on facebook. I don't know what to say to her, everything feels wrong in my mouth.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry to hear this Ms . M .

PRAYERS AND POSITIVE THOUGHTS ON THE WAY. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT BEING KIND AND NOT JUDGING OR BLAMING OTHERS IS A GIFT OF PRORAM. WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE NASTY, OR MEAN IN ORDER TO RESPOND TO THE WORLD.

A READING IN THE C2C WARNS US THAT WE SHOULD NOT TURN INTO THE PEOPLE WE ARE ANGRY WITH IN ORDER TO PROTECT OURSELVES.

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 13th of April 2015 07:30:05 AM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Dont misunderstand, I have moved her bed into my room and she seems to be a bit relieved. If she wanted my full attention, she has it. I really need my HP to guide me right now. I have never been more powerless.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear about that with your daughter Mel. That is a some cry for help. Maybe she is depressed or maybe really working the goth "depressed" thing to the extreme. It sounds like the stepmother may have been right about some concerns....not so much with social media but with daughter's depression. Sometimes a true message comes at me from someone I really don't like and it comes in a way that I don't want to hear. I know you are an awesome loving mom. Your kid is going to have adolescent and life struggles though and it isn't a reflection of you. I know that you take such enormous pride in your daughter. It's hard to hear any critiques or concerns about her because you have busted ass as a single parent for so many years....and she is a good kid, but she's human too....and she will have some problems like all of us.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Betty I don't need to turn into the people I am angry with to protect myself. That is amazing and timely advice, thank you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear that Mel, its a tough time in a kids and Mothers life, the teen years or preteen. I hope you get some help with this, use your meetings, go and get the support for this.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

The biggest gift I gave my children was a sane (ish), clear thinking, reality living Mum and all I offer to them now is courtesy and kindness. Your daughter is so lucky to enter the teen years with a Mum who is in recovery, I'm not sure it gets any better than that really. Keep working your program, the solutions to anything and everything are inside your recovery and are only as good as your recovery.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I have her bundled up on the couch in a blanket, as I said, if she wanted attention she has it. My mother saw her facebook post and asked me to tell her if she kills herself she will stop paying her her allowance. Daughter giggled herself silly when I told her. Is it bad to laugh?
My mother also asked if it was possible her step mother had given her the idea by harping on about how depressed she is, to be honest that hadn't occurred to me. I think I am getting a glimpse of what it must have been like to be my mother. At least I know what I am in for, my poor mother must have been beside herself.
I think daughter is OK, I feel she is OK. I hope I am not wrong.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

CONTINUED PRAYERS MS. M. iF THERE ARE ALATEEN MEETING AVAILABLE IT MIGHT BE PERFECT FOR HER TO ATTEND.tHE TOOLS AND SUPPORT THAT THEY GIVE TO EACH OTHER IS AMAZING.
Your mom might be correct re the r step mom planting the seeds==Please keep us updated.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

That is a very tough situation, Mel. The stepmother may be right about some things, and totally wrong about some other things (would stand to reason she's right about some things, just by random chance!), and totally unable to have appropriate boundaries or to phrase even appropriate things in a helpful way. It makes sense that she would be messed up because she married your ex, right? You moved on from him but she is with him, so she is still in the old dysfunction.

Remember though that however appropriately you set boundaries, you can't make her stop any more than you can make an A stop drinking. You can only limit your exposure to it, and not give her the satisfaction of causing drama. Because however right some of her statements may be (if they are), we know how co-dependents are addicted to drama, and she probably is too.

Your daughter is in the middle of a difficult situation with some folks who don't have any growth. I hope you can get her a professional to talk to. And/or Ala-teen?

Hugs.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs melly my thoughts are with you.

I ditto the others alateen and therapist If its possible.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry to hear this, but you have a great program and love for your daughter that will get you through this. Boundaries are hard, but keep me serene and I don't respond and block communication with people who don't respect me or my decisions. My exAH rarely talks to me other than the occasional text, the kids go back and forth for holidays, but I keep my communication boundaries tight and it keeps me serene. Sometimes he thinks he needs to tell me how to do something with the kids and I just let him say what he needs to say and I take what I like and leave the rest, which is usually most of it. Raising kids is tough stuff and there is no perfect way to do it and I am sure you are doing it to the best of your ability. Sending you much love and support!

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry to hear that Mel. I am confident you will be able to communicate with your daughter and figure out what she needs and what are the next steps. ((((Hugs))) Please take care of yourself

As for the step-mom, she may have been able to see some signs. However, I don't think adding extra stress right now is appropriate. That would be my boundary. I would simply say my plate is already full and I cannot help you with this problem. Thank you.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I got my daughter into counseling when she was around 15, there were angers she had, some normal teen angst, some brought on by external forces (not all of which were mine to own) and the counselor and she had grand conversations that I was never privy to; eventually the counselor determined that she was no longer in crisis and her counseling services weren't justified. They were expensive and I had help through government services to pay for them but they helped because she had someone who wasn't emotionally involved listening to her.

Thinking about my older daughter (14 years older than the younger) and remembering that when she was a teen she was un-livable until I took her to a medical doctor and got her on the pill to regulate her monthlys - they were coming bi-weekly and the hormone shifts were tearing her apart!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone.
Shes already seen the school counsellor who i have spoken at length to. She felt daughter had made a bad choice and was now quite embarrassed and wanting it to go away. She was nice anyway and directed me to a good place to take daughter for regular counselling, she has been really positive and communicative with me since this incident which is great but, i dont want it to become a cycle as she had been very withdrawn for the past few months. Seems a little too much like my own patterns and i know i would have benefitted so much from some support when I was a teenager. Anyway she is glad to have a bit of extra attention its quite clear and thats ok, maybe i was overdoing it giving her space. Live and learn.
her father has texted me more than 40 times since with such delightful semtiments as "YOU DID THIS TO HER, YOU DID IT" and other super helpful stuff like that. It occurs to me that while i was distracted and angry arguing with he and his wife daughter was harming herself and screaming for attention so there is a powerful lesson in that for me and i am not responding to or even reading any more of their abuse. Anyway my honest belief is that they are furious that i managed to find a house and get daughter to her school and now they have reverted to the old tactic of trying to bait me until j snap and then call me an unfit mother due to my "craziness" and we all know how to deal with that kind of behaviour don't we!!! 40 texts in 24 hours is insane, daughter recieved a similar number. I did tell him i was having her go to counselling and would put him in touch with the person if he liked, and that i now needed to focus on my child not read abusive texts. The response was about how memtally ill i am and how i am the one who should be going to counselling and why dont i realise being exposed to me is selfish and harmful to my daughter. Hmm. When he left he said repeatedly he wanted me to kill myself so my daughter wouldnt have to be exposed to me, interesting how he left her with me anyway isnt it. Anyway thats quite enough about him, i had forgotten how very toxic and horrible communicating with him is. Consider this my purge, now it needs to be about daughter and I! Im glad i sold that bike too, as i think we will focus on doing up her bedroom. Its perfect timing. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed im typing on the train and cant edit properly on my tablet ☺

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh and her scratches are almost gone already, it doesnt make it ok but at least physically she didnt do any actual damage. She said she was angry with me for making her come in out of the cold, good grief. I know there is more to it that that but still.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the update Ms.M. I do believe that you handled the entire situation with much grace and dignity. Congrats.
Prayers continue

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Stay strong mel. Just keep telling your daughter you love her and how special she is.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

There are positives.I had wanted her to have some counselling anyway and now she is willing and hopefully will participate in the process. Maybe I'll pick u some useful tools along with it if we do a combination of private sessions for her and joint ones or something like that. Might as well make the most of it, more tools will never go astray. There is a combined meeting alanon nd alateen i have found (seperate rooms but at the ame time) locally so we will do that too. I still don't think she is depressed, more angry and doesn't know how to express it really but that I suppose is often how depression starts. I suspect she is directing a lot of it towards me and at herself because we had A as a common enemy for long time if that makes any sense. Now there is noone abusive or horrible in our home, she seems to be angry with me a lot of the time. Maybe she needs an outlet for it, i don't know.

And I can drop the best buddies act with ex husband and his wife too and thats good, i don't know how i let myself convince me that other people are lovely and great and i am at fault for everything because good grief. I think I will make it from now on that any necessary conversations with him must take place in public, no more taking the abuse silently and she can just not talk to me at all or I wont read or listen to anything from her because when I look back over the things that have happened, the letters she has written to me, the awful things she has told my daughter, the things she has done, ugh that's enough self flagellation for one life time. Must stop trying to like everyone!!!!

-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 15th of April 2015 02:04:30 AM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms.M. I Love how you are processing this entire situation. Seeing the reality of your relationship with the Step Mom and your Ex is important to maintaining your self esteem and self worth. No more making yourself invisible or the monster. You can treat everyone with courtesy and still validate your own self and ideas . In addition it is fantastic that there are alateen meetings available. I do believe that they will help greatly. There is a reading in the ODA T that reminds us that children see that the alcoholic as sick and feel sorry for them and they then take all their anger out on the nonalcoholic. I have experienced that myself.

Positive thoughts for you and your daughter

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, I can relate and I used to disregard my own thoughts and opinions according to everyone else's. I would ask people for their thoughts on what to do regarding my life decisions as if I couldn't make a great decision on my own. I let my exAh run my life and have the final say in most things and forgot how to make up my own mind after awhile of it. After awhile I had so many people who were over opinionated running my life that I felt trapped and forgot to listen to my own inner voice. They were offended at first when I decided to take control of my own life, which now makes me laugh, but I had to start believing in myself and it took little steps at first. I am so glad to hear you getting stronger and growing, it makes me smile that even when things get tough you find a game plan and make it work. You are showing your strong resilience and I am so happy to see it!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Wednesday 15th of April 2015 02:49:52 PM

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