The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have recently accepted the fact that I have been living with a AH for many years. I am beginning to learn about alcoholism and the role it is playing in our lives. I thought my husband was just an emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate, stubborn, argumentative, immature, selfish, uncaring, incapable of empathy etc. I am now learning he is all that with alcohol and after he quit drinking nothing changed. I have 4 children aged 16, 12, 4 and 2. I can't live like this anymore. Everything turns into an argument. My 12 year old came home with some vegetarian sushi today, and he corrected her 3 times that it was not sushi unless it had raw fish in it. It took everything in me, not to want to slap him. He hadn't seen her for several hours and instead of saying something nice, about trying something new, he picks an argument. Now he is out being father of the year taking the younger two for a bike ride (he loves to look like the great dad in public, at church etc, but when he's at home he rarely does any playing with the little ones, and mostly just gives the older two a hard time). Does anyone know what I am talking about? Are Alcoholics better with younger children because they don't actually have too many "needs" to fill? He has totally alienated our teenage son who started to use marijuana regularly after he became depressed around age 14/15. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years and thought I should leave many times, including when my oldest was around 2. My AH never did anything with him as he was growing up, and now he is struggling with depression and lack of motivation.
I want to leave but I am not sure I have the strength to pull this off, my psychiatrist says it's time, my family doctor says it's time. I'm so scared about the impact of all of this on my kids. My AH is going to be a spiteful and viscious. He doesn't want to do much with the kids now, but he'll fight for them just to spite me, and make himself look good. I am not sure if I'll have much support from family. My sister tells me to just ignore his comments etc., my father tells me to "offer up my sufferings", my mom doesn't say much. His parents will not be supported because mostly they believe they have the perfect son who likes to drink beer. I have stayed because I always thought it was better for my kids to have two parents, even if one was broken. I am now learning just how dysfunctional our life is, and how confused my thoughts & behaviours have become. I worry about his reaction to just about everything. I mean who should have to worry about how much milk is left in the milk jug because someone will be an asshole and point out "who left only 1/2 a cup of milk in the jug?". Everything seems to prompt an overreaction. I'm sooooo tired, of headaches, of holding my breath, of gritting my teeth, of biting my tongue, I'm just so tired. God Help me
Welcome HardHeadedWoman. Thank you for sharing your concerns with such honesty and clarity. I can easily identify with the feelings that you have expressed , and the situations that you are enduring.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. Since it is a disease, we must acknowledge that weDid not cause it,. Cannot control it, and cannot cure it. We who live with the disease develop negative coping skills as well because we are trying to interact with the insanity of the disease.
AA is a recovery program for the person that drinks and Al-Anon is an extremely successful recovery program for all family members who live with the disease of alcoholism. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages.
By attending meetings, I was able to break the isolation caused by living in the disease ,discovered new , constructive powerful tools to live by and received the support I needed to practice my new thoughts and beliefs.
Please know that you're not alone and that there is hope and do keep coming back.l
I can relate to walking on eggshells to try to calm the AH and nothing worked, because you can not please the unappeasable. Al-anon books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful also. I am glad you found us here at MIP and hope you can dive into some al-anon face to face meetings for yourself, that made all the difference for me and my life is so much better because of Al-anon. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Its not about your therapist, your Mother, your sister, your Dad, Its about YOU. This is your LIFE...
Change is a difficult one, it can be fearful, its the unknown. One thing we need for change is MOTIVATION, when you get that, then you will change. Then handle each issue
as it comes up, day by day. It appears that some addicts stop drinking, but they don't make the necessary changes, not to take his inventory, but that's what it sounds like or
changes are just a long process for everyone.
You might make a list of pro's and con's and what if I left..... that might help. Whatever your choices keep coming back and stick with Alanon for the best solutions for you...
Hardheaded in alanon the thinking is make no changes For six months to a year after starting ftf meetings. The wisdom is that we too need time to assess and change Us. Get stronger in ourselves Emotionally and spiritually With the help of your HP.
Alanon is about us changing. You learn useful tools to Live by loving detachment and healthy boundaries amung Other tools. We keep the focus on us and our growth as A person not the alcoholic. It takes awhile to understand The thinking. It is a me program. The alcoholic is your Qualifier, the meetings are not about him but you.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 12th of April 2015 09:13:35 PM
Oh, I remember those days. I actually cared about his reaction. I have been in AlAnon for 15 years and I can truthfully say I don't care about his reaction any more. This is because of AlAnon. Because I learned that a feeling is just a feeling. It is not a fact. Whether it is MY feeling or HIS feeling doesn't make it any more important. It is just an emotional reaction to something and the facts may be totally different. I remember the day when I realized that no matter what he felt, I WAS GOING TO BE OKAY! It was all about me. Finally.
I also remember that I couldn't please him. Every time I got close, he moved the goal line. He would change his mind just to keep me busy and on his task. I was so tired of it but I couldn't figure out how to stop. AlAnon helped with that too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't have too much in the way of advice because I am very new to this also. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, your story echoed my life in many ways. I too find myself making sure certain things are a certain way, to hopefully avoid an irrational emotional explosion from my husband....and most times, one happens anyway. Taking a step back and looking at it, plus hearing others express the same thoughts and feelings has helped me a lot so far.
Hi! So glad you are here! My active AH is like this with our children and sadly, always has been. I have a 13, 16 and 17 year old. The two girls just did really well in track and are headed to regionals...he has said nothing to them. No "good job" no "I'm so proud of you" but it's interesting. He seems to be very supportive of others outside of his family..like when he is out and about he comes across as this really great guy but the kids an I, we know it is all smoke and mirrors. His life is a lie. He pretty much does not speak to the kids and when he does it is some nonsensical thing...thankfully they are old enough that I can talk to them openly about why he is the way he is... I used to make excuse for him to them, but now I let him step all over himself and make an a$& out of himself. My middle daughter is so hurt by his "lack of fathering" but it comes out of her looking like sheer hate...my oldest tries to find ways to make him happy, proud (she's learned how to placate him) and the youngest just gets annoyed by him. It's a sad state of affairs but now I see it for what it is and the kids and I, well we have a great time doing what we do without him. (He's really not around all that much)
Enough about my situation...sorry abo that rant! You are not alone. This is. A great place to come and find help. There is so much wisdom here.
Oh! One more thing on the outbursts! I see this also but I am starting to think it is a way for him to get to us and make us angry or reactive so he can then feel justified to keep doing what he does....just my opinion, but I see a cycle in this behavior. I almost think he tries harder to make it where he doesn't have to have any emotional ties at all..."if the kids are mad at me then I don't have to speak to them" That probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else, but not much about this disease does make sens to me...lol! Hugs!!
It has been 7 months since I posted this. My ah passed away Sept 26th.
Alcoholism ducks. I thought I didn't need alanon anymore since the alcoholic is not here anymore, boy was I wrong. I am still sick and need the program. It took me almost an hour to figure out my username and password so now I'm too tired to writeany more. Thank you for being here
Gods gift in many ways. Cry and feel
Your feelings and emotions with your HP
Holding your hand. Keep reaching out for
Loving Support from healthy people.
Face to face mtgs and mip saved my sanity
on Many levels. I think i will always need
Alanon In my life. I come from dysfunction
and alcoholism Thats why i married one.
Alanon is about us getting better and helping
Each other on our journey.
(((Hardheadedwoman))) i am sorry to read of your pain and loss. Prayers for you and our family are on the way. I agree attending alanon now is of the utmost importance for your recovery.
I'm so sorry about what has happened to you. Yes, alcoholism sucks. You have been affected by what you lived with for so many years. Of course you are affected. How could you not be affected? I realized that my whole life revolved around "avoiding the fight". I would do anything to avoid the fight..... about the pizza, about the kids, about the inlaws, about the dog..... you name it. Avoid the fight. That made it so that I never knew or learned what I really wanted. It didn't matter. Just avoid the fight. Alanon helps. Now I know what I like and I am able to speak up and get what I like. I had to learn to do it.... from AlAnon.
I know that I would be feeling so many conflicting emotions. Thank you for reaching out, Alanon is such a special fellowship, it really is 'for us' We are here and we hear you.
Hi sweet lady! I am so sorry to hear of your loss and what you have been going through/dealing with BUT I'm so glad you are back here with us. (((Hugs!)))
HHW - I too offer my condolences for your loss. Please know that you are not alone and we're just a post away.
Praying for peace for you and your children. (((Hugs))) to all...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so sorry for your loss. My AH died of this dreaded disease as well- we were separated at the time and headed into finalizing our divorce. I continue to go to meetings and work my program so that I can figure out what my part was, and is, in this whole thing. One day at a time...
We are here and we hear you.
