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Post Info TOPIC: Husband gets out of inpatient treatment tomorrow.


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Husband gets out of inpatient treatment tomorrow.


I've been with my husband 10 years and married for almost 5. He has drank almost every single day since I've known him. Sometimes it's 1 or 2 beers and other days it's nonstop drinking from the time he gets home until he goes to bed. He's very high functioning and sometimes people can't even tell he's drunk as he hides it well. He has never been a fall down, blackout kind of drunk since I've know him. He doesn't go out by himself to drink nor does he hide it. He usually is just the type to sit in front of the computer or tv and drink a lot.

He decided that this is not where he wants to be at 47 and put himself into this 2 week treatment. He is doing great and tells me he really enjoys the AA meetings and has a sponsor. Coincidentally, his sponsor lives only 2 blocks from us, which he didn't even know until he talked to him more about stuff.

We have no liquor in the house and I have no plans on buying any. My issue is, when we go out and he is just drinking water or soda, should I be doing the same or is it okay for me to have a couple of drinks without feeling guilty? They said in the meeting I attended that people start acting weird around the recovering alcoholic and feel like they shouldn't drink but the recovering alcoholic says do what you want as it is their own problem to deal with. They say to support them, which I see as not drinking, but then they say that we shouldn't have to change the way we are for them. So what do you do?



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~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha Mapper and welcome to the board...there are so many responses possible to your share and I will only share for me from me.  I was born and raised in the disease and I am a double...both Al-Anon and AA.  I am also college educated on the disease of Alcoholism and Substance abuse and a former therapist.   Having said that the first thing I want to share is what I learned about the chemical...It is a mind and mood altering chemical which affects everyone it comes into contact with.  Is a mind and mood altering chemical a good thing for you?  Another piece of information is would knowing how to live outside of the disease be too disruptive for the partner of the alcoholic.  Alcohol isn't a top of the shelf food item...learning how powerful it is on the human system for me was a must.  

I would suggest finding an Al-Anon home group in your area and checking the program out for the next 90 days.  Keep coming back here also ((((hugs)))) smile



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Thanks. I grew up in a household where liquor was never a problem. I remember my dad drinking a few PBR's once in a while and making grasshoppers for my mom and him. However they were not drinkers by any means. I moved about 6 years ago now and a few days before I moved I bought my mom a bottle of rum to make hot toddies because she had a cold and she swore that was the one thing that cured them. Amazingly it always did seem to. She'd have one before bed and the next day the cold would be gone.  Anyways, when I went back to visit her last fall, she still had that same rum bottle and it was still only half empty....after over 5 years of being there!



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Hi Mapper welcome.

I too would like to recommend Al-anon. and an open mind.

My husband did 28 days in patient then came home and continues his rehab outpatient. He's almost done his full time rehab and will be returning to work full time shortly. I know how you feel totally.


Al-anon for my recovery has been a godsend and my recovery helps feed his recovery properly.


That being said, I do without drinking because I don't care for it. I got the alcohol out of the house at my husband's request.




I am working with a therapist who works with other 12 step program people and she has told me that she advises her not alcoholic partners that they are not to punish themselves to protect their addict.

in other words, when the alcoholic is drinking grape juice to make the blessings (a weekly event in a Jewish Home) the other adults can drink wine (which is the traditional drink for blessings) and notfeel guilty that they are having wine.


But it's on each family to decide how they want to handle it.

I make the assumption that since I do not care if I drink at all I will probably only ever drink again when I am out with the girls and not my husband (and I'm not the designated driver which is normally my role at any event involving alcohol with friends)




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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



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Yes, and it's not like we go out a lot. However, our friends are coming to visit in about 8 weeks and are staying with us for 3 days. One of them has their birthday on the last night they are here. They have never been to this city before and are looking forward to hitting the bars downtown for his birthday. They don't know that my husband has stopped drinking. I don't want to be a wet blanket and tell them we can't go out. My husband has said, at least right before he went in for treatment, that it's not a problem to go out for his birthday and that he'll just drink water with lemon. Yeah, easy to say but not so easy to do. I don't know that putting him in a bar situation is a good idea.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi,
As far as drinking in front of him....... you will get a lot of answers about that on this board. Some do, some don't. I don't normally drink so it doesn't bother me to drink water or soda. But if I am with others and on vacation I may have a drink.

My hubby drinks water. An occasional ginger ale. That is it. He is in charge of his sobriety, not me. If a bar situation bothers him, he should feel free to not be there. But to have you looking over his shoulder and worrying won't help him either. Relax and let him handle it. He is a grown man.

Take care of yourself and find some meetings to help you get your focus off him and get your answers from spouses who have been in your shoes.

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maryjane


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My AH husband is still active, as is my A son. I was an occasional drinker--like one glass of wine or one mixed drink per week. Since the disease has grown progressive in my house, I've lost any desire for alcohol. I've gotten to where it actually repulses me. You'll get all sorts of differing e/s/h here, all of it valuable. If i had been living in a recovery household before I lost all taste for alcohol, is probably would have just stuck to club soda in social situations while sobriety was new. Best wishes to you and your AH in this recovery journey!

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Personally I wouldn't drink and I also might avoid the bar scene altogether. Yes this is his recovery and kudos to him for doing it on his own. But...well I struggle with my weight and I would not appreciate my husband wanting to order dessert at every meal or bringing chocolate into the house. It is just easier, especially in the early days of restraint, to stay away from the addictive substance. Would there be some other place to celebrate your friend's birthday instead of going to a bar which is heavily invested in selling alcohol? This is his battle to fight but everyone can use someone on the sidelines cheering them on.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I also think most of it is dependent on him and his program. At the start of my sobriety, I was going to at least 7 meetings a week and I was hearing constantly in AA to "stay out of the bars." Hence, I took about a year an a half off from going to any bar. As far as you drinking around him or him being in environments where there is some alcohol....I had to get used to at least seeing booze here and there. I didn't have it in my house, but it was unreasonable to never go out to a restaurant that serves alcohol. I got used to seeing people drink with meals and such pretty quickly. That was not how I drank anyhow. I would avoid meals to drink on an empty stomach. I drank in bars and then on my own at home.

So I agree that you should do whatever you feel is right, but based on my experience, I needed the home to be alcohol free for a bit. I didn't mind if people I was with had a drink or two at dinner or whatever. I had to avoid being around activities and places with lots of drinking (such as bars and clubs) for a while. Yes, it is possible to avoid drinking at a bar/club. I do it all the time now, but I had a solid foundation of sobriety within AA for about a year and a half before venturing out into bars.

Also, when I really was serious about getting sober, I didn't keep it secret. I told my friends because I was all about AA and all about sobriety. If anyone asked me why I wasn't drinking I said "Because I pretty much ruined my whole life with drinking and now I need to stay sober. Alcohol is evil for me." That pretty much would stop all conversation about it and all pressure to drink.

If your husband is immersed in AA and has a sponsor - He will handle it the right way. If he doesn't go to meetings after rehab and isn't serious....then he will probably relapse anyhow. Either way, you are powerless and it's really about him and his journey. Nothing you do will make him drink or stay sober.

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Hi Mapper My husband just hit one year of sobriety and I'm so proud of him. I remember when he first started his recovery, I couldn't imagine how life would be without alcohol. I wanted so badly for him to stop drinking, but I also thought our social life would change so much if we couldn't enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. Then I learned more about how insidious this disease is and I strated to see how sick I was too. So I made the decision to not drink around my husband. He never asked me to, but I just felt like it would be more supportive for him if I didnt. Neither he or I make a big deal about if we are out with friends or family. We'll order water or soda, and honestly no one really cares. I thought I'd miss it, but I don't. And I may occasionally have a glass of wine if I'm out without him, but it's just not important to me now. I enjoy the people I'm with more than what I'm drinking now. The choice is really yours, I'm only sharing my experience. Going to Alanon meetings gave me the courage to make changes in my life and to feel good about my choices.

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Hi Mapper, I struggle with this at times as well, but with the help of the program, I know that I am a big girl and I can make the right decisions for myself. Sometimes I do go with my friends and have drinks, because we do that and visit and laugh and all go home non smashed out of our minds or anything like that. My AH has at times tried to tell me that I shouldn't drink ever because he cannot and I laugh and tell him Nice try, you have the disease and I have a disease too which is being addicted to you and your manipulations, so that doesn't work on me anymore, plus I remind him he is powerless over my life etc.

My husband celebrated 1 year of sobriety on Saturday. I am happy for him and proud of him to do such hard work to change. I don't order drinks when I am at dinner with just him, we have no alcohol in our home what-so-ever and I think that is fair and being respectful. Our marriage counselor told him he has no business going into any kind of bar what so ever because he is to fresh in recovery and why flirt with disaster. I don't nor would suggest we stop in a bar somewhere so I could have a drink, because to me that would be rather mean.

Most of the folks he hung out with, whether using Meth, drinking etc. have all pretty much slunk away from his life and don't want to know nor care about his sobriety journey and I think that is great, less temptation for him. As you make progress in your own recovery, you will feel the strength and power of doing what is right for you and not have to worry about what he thinks you should do. Hugs

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Linda

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries

Matthew 6:34



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So H finished his treatment last Friday. Well "finished" as in insurance would only pay for 14 days. He seems great. He was so happy to see me and he has been so patient with me and not snapping at me if I ask stupid question. I always cringe thinking he's going to be snide or sarcastic with a response, but he has been very nice. There was a potluck that same night with people who have been through the program and their families. We went to that and it was fine, although it still is a little awkward as you are around people who are still in treatment and everyone is nice but guarded.

In our conjoint session before he left we talked to the counselor and I had filled out some questions about him like how is he different now, what did I used to hate about him and his drinking, etc. I wrote on the sheet and told the counselor about how he would get really obnoxious after drinking a lot and how I wanted him to spend more time with me rather than hours in front of his video game. In front of the counselor he didn't refute those statements and said okay. Well last night we were sitting in the computer room, each on our own computer and at 10PM he shuts it down and says he's going to bed. Then tells me "Well I wanted to stay up and play video games but I'm sure you want me to come to bed. I'd probably be obnoxious if I did that anyways right?" Just out of nowhere, with no prompting from me or me asking or telling him to do ANYTHING. He's using what I told the counselor against me to make me feel bad for saying what I did. I KNEW that would happen which is why I didn't want to put down how I really felt. And I know this was being said stone cold sober too. Then 2 minutes later he brings up the obnoxious comment again. I then say "Well perfect example was last year before we went to the ZZ Top concert. You were hammered before we left." He goes "So?" I go "You were cat-calling out the window to people as you drove (yes HE drove!) down the road." He goes 'Yeah I was! We were going to ZZ Top I was excited. If I remember correctly, you were laughing the whole time". Once again he doesn't remember what happened and is changing the story to benefit him. I was pissed off and slumping down in my seat is what I was doing.

He PROMISED me again that he'd go back to work today. He hasn't been at work for 6 weeks. His counselor told him he has to go to and all I said anytime we had a session is that I'm so angry that he keeps telling me he'll go to work and then doesn't. He KNOWS how much this upsets me. Yet today he sends me a message on Facebook 1 1/2 hours before he's supposed to be at work saying that he called this assistance line at work asking if he needed to bring in any paperwork regarding his treatment. He tells me they want him to go for his outpatient assessment first, which is tomorrow, before coming in. Why is it you are just finding out about this now right before you need to be at work? I checked out phone records. The only call made was a 2 minute call to the treatment facility he was at. And tomorrow I'll probably hear he can't go in because his session went long or they were an hour late getting to him.

I thought he was over the BS. He showed me all his writings he did in treatment. All the problems he's had, all the stuff he's done in his life. He gave me all his passwords to his accounts while he was in there and left his cell phone for me to check his texts and calls. There isn't anything that was left secret from me. Yet he STILL feels the need to lie to me about being at work or going to work over and over and OVER! Why is he doing this???


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Hi Mapper, this is where your recovery comes in. I started Al Anon just as my wife got out of her second inpatient center. I learned in Al Anon to take the focus off her, and put it on me. Not to worry so much about what she was doing, and more about what I was doing, what I needed, what boundaries I would impose, etc.

When she was active, I would swear she would do things just to pi$$ me off. And sometimes she would. But I found out through Al Anon that the only person who could *let* me be pi$$ed off was me.

I'm sorry he is lying to you. He very likely has a fair amount of maturing to do. Sometimes the coping mechanisms that alcoholics have (besides drinking) are very immature, such as responding by lying. Hopefully he will be working on that through therapy/AA. And he quite possibly doesn't remember what happened at the concert and before. If he doesn't havea memory, he will fabricate one that is to his liking. That also can go away with maturity and people in a recovery support group holding him accountable.

Are you able to go to any Al Anon meetings? Like I said, I started Al Anon when wife was in rehab. She told me some things had to change in our marriage, and she was right, she had been doing a lot of work in rehab, and discovered hard truths where we had not been getting along for many years, and she was totally depressed because of it. I got many things changed. if it weren't for Al Anon, my wife quite possibly still wouldn't be drinking, but it would be because she had divorced me to get rid of her drinking triggers.

Not only that, my understanding of her alcoholism has increased dramatically, and I have been able to be more empathetic.

But most importantly of all, I started discovering myself, someone who I had buried for years, and who got even more buried (and liked it that way) when my wife turned alcoholic.

Keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing, because the other thing I discovered was this board, and it was as helpful, if not more so, than my face to face meetings!

Kenny

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I got home last night and he made it sound pretty convincing why he needed to wait a day until going to work. He said the outpatient place needs to assess him and most likely give him a drug and alcohol screen before returning to work. Okay, if that is indeed the case then why did you lie to me about who you talked to? I looked at his phone when I got home as I also looked at our phone records and there was no call to the assistance center, only to the rehab place he was at. I am right back at the place I was before he went into treatment. Everyday wondering if he was going to work and hoping I wouldn't find him at home when I got there. When he was at rehab, I was so relaxed because I knew where he was. Now no matter how much he promises me he'll go in, it doesn't mean a damn thing. And now, since before he was using his back issues and FMLA to keep him from going to work, they know he was in for treatment and those excuses aren't going to fly anymore. I really think he is on his last legs at this job. He has abused the hell out of the system and gotten away with it. If he screws up one more time it's either termination or drug and alcohol screens every week.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Lying is about fear.  When I wanted to be helpful during the lies I us to ask not "why are you lying"  and  asked "what are you afraid of"?  Then I would listen open mindedly.  Fear is the central emotional defect of the disease of alcoholism.   I didn't know why my alcoholic addict was afraid and she had to find out or the reality we suffer with never becomes clear and then fear takes over.   Imagine being so fearful and not being able to accept reality?   That really sucks for me...I had great sponsorship and consolers to help me grow thru it.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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It sucks having you life outcomes so tied to a person who lies and is in the throws of addiction. 2 weeks of treatment is not going to change anyone. I have said again and again that an alcoholic/addict will act just the same unless you are seeing them going to meetings DAILY after treatment for a good long while. If they are serious about recovery, they will eat, breathe, and sleep recovery for a good long while before even cutting back on meetings at all. That is what I had to do to get sober. So if you are not seeing that from him, you are driving yourself nuts expecting a bullsh#tting alcoholic to act like a truly recovering sane person. This is where your alanon program comes in. Stop hitting your head against a brick wall. He may lie, cheat, drink...miss work....get fired. What are you going to do?



-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 14th of April 2015 02:25:05 PM

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He called his sponsor the day he got out but has not called him since (it's been 4 days) and has not gone to an AA meeting even though he was all gung ho talking about going to one Saturday and Sunday morning. Sure he hasn't had a drink in almost 3 weeks, but I need him to tell me the truth and not these constant lies or half truths to keep me happy as long as possible until he has to deal with me being upset. Like not telling me he's not going to work and rather waiting for me to come home and find out. He gets an extra 5 hours of me not being mad.

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He went in for his intensive outpatient assessment yesterday. He told me he got there at 10AM and he didn't get out until 3:30 so he couldn't go into work. I saw all the paperwork he brought home describing what would go on in their sessions, how long it would last, etc. He is supposed to go three times/week for 3 hours each for 2 months. This morning I get a text from him at 10AM (his session was to start at 10:30) saying that he wasn't sure about this whole thing. He told me he didn't think he'd get much out of it that he can't get at an AA meeting. He is reverting back to his old ways. Tells me he's going to do something, gets all hyped up to do it and then at the last minute decides he doesn't want to do it, that he doesn't need it, it's not for him. I really hate that he does this. Says he'll go to AA meetings and see a counselor on his own time but I doubt that.

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~*Service Worker*~

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So what are you going to do? Are you going to go to alanon? Something has to change for YOU. I am hearing more and more about him, him, and him. What about you mapper? What can you do to start taking better care of you?

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Mapper, I am in a similar position as you.

My husband was just stepped from phase 1 outpatient rehab after inpatient to phase 2... he goes to AA meetings and took 90 days to find a sponsor but has not called him and has not even started reading the big book.


I woke him last night at 7 pm to tell him I was going to a meeting. But I have to admit to myself that My motive was ulterior. I wanted HIM to get up and go to a meeting. He did not. NOT MY CIRCUS NOT MY MONKEYS... I went to an Al-anon meeting. He did nothing. I can't fix him. He also needs to go to Al-anon but that's years down the road for him so I let it go.

It's so SO hard to NOT ask "did you call your sponsor today?" "are you going to a meeting tonight?" "how much did you read in your big book today???" but I let it go.


By getting myself healthy and using the tools I"m learning in Al-anon I am surviving nicely.

ONE of the tools I use is that I DO NOT ENGAGE with him when his behavior is not acceptable. My husband does not lie. He will make excuses but he will not lie. He also will deflect by verbally attacking me. I used to fight with him about it. Now I say "I'm sorry name calling is not acceptable and we are done for the evening, I'm going to bed" and I do. He screams and calls me name the whole time I am walking up the steps... I continue to ignore him or say "name calling is not acceptable"

and then I LET IT GO. the next time I speak to him (even if it's just 20 minutes later) I act like NOTHING is wrong and nothing has happened (even if I have not let it go in my brain which is my own fault) and what I see over and over in the last 3 months is how well HE responds to my being healthy.

Today I will see one of my sponsors and go to my home group. Paths To Recovery sits on my desk as I read it when I can.

I have come to believe totally that when we walk into Al-anon and ask "how do we help the alcoholic" and we are told "you help them by helping yourself" that it's very true. MY getting HEALTHY for me, my setting boundaries for me with him, means I no longer buy into his insanity or addiction. And since I am not FEEDING his issues, they tend to go away without food. Yes I am compassionate and caring and supportive. I love the man. I hate the disease and what it does to the man I love.


But being supportive and kind and compassionate does not equal being a doormat or taking abuse or accepting lies.


IF you don't believe him, then stop asking questions. My mother used to ask me inappropriate questions (when I was a grown divorced woman in my own home she wanted to know if I was out all night) and I would say to her "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT to hear the answer?"


never ask a question that you don't want the answer to.







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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



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I have a very very hard time just letting things go. He skipped his meeting because he was sending in applications for a new job because he hates his current one, trying to make an appt with a psychologist but when I asked if he was going to work he said yes. Well why bother asking when I'm so use to him saying yes and doing the opposite. I am still stressing about it. I can check online to see when/if he clocks into his job. Once I found out about this, I checked all the time and would get so angry when it would be after 2PM and it still showed him as not checking in. That meant 2 more hours I had at work where I was just going to fume because I knew I would find him at home when I got there.

It is very hard for me to just "let it go" when I need him to work to be able to pay his share of the bills. I can't keep paying the full amount of everything. I only get paid at the end of the month so I have to make my paycheck last. I've still got 2 weeks to go and I've already had to take nearly $2000 out of my savings to cover everything because this month we had a few unexpected bills.

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When I got to the stage of money problems, I just went to him and calmly stated the obvious....either he has to give money or things get cut back. I started by cutting the TV and then putting all the money in a checking account in my name only. Our joint account was for his paycheck and his bills. I was the money maker and he had a bunch of sporadic jobs. He had run up his credit cards when he was away in rehab---he couldn't find a job so kept charging everything. When he got home he showed me the bill and I told him it was all his to pay because I had to pay the house bills and it has stayed that way even though he has a year of program -- I still have it separated--don't know when or if it will go back to how it was before.

PS I cant tell you how often I heard him say he got nothing out of a program....it meant he didn't WANT to get anything. For Pete's sake....you can get something out of an episode of The Cosby Show....you can't get something out of a group session??? He just didn't get it and when he finally did..........it was very nearly the end of us. Why?? Because the entire time he was at rehab, I was in therapy and Al-Anon and getting ALOT out of every session---because my life depended on it.

Hang in there.

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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)



~*Service Worker*~

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I made two appointments for my husband to see a counselor regarding his drinking. The first one was too "young" and the other one was an "atheist". I was very frustrated and angry, but I made the appointments, hoping for things to change and they did not. I needed to change and let go. I did not see this for a long, long time. I know my husband lies and I feel bad about it, but there again I cannot change him or his behaviors. I can only change me. I feel more at peace with myself than I have in years. Al-Anon has saved my life and it can save yours also. Take care.

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