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I long ago gave up expecting every phone call to be perfect, but what sort of approaches do other people take if you receive a phone call from someone who has been drinking?
It is something I still struggle with 7 years into the program.
Had a call yesterday and all of the isms like insulting and forgetting important things came down the phone at me. When I realised he'd been drinking I spent a minute or two deciding what to do then - my phone did have low battery - so I said I had to go as I needed to charge it. I said goodbye, take care and that I loved him.
I'm still thinking about it hoping it's OK that I did this to try to protect myself from further rambling/insults/arguments.
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"There's still so much in me that I need to learn to love."
I think you handled it perfectly. Were not on this earth to be abused or listen to someones ramblings at the expense of our peace. It could be that you say, im sorry im not really able to hear you properly, which, lets face it would be the truth every time. I believe the program wants us to put our own needs at the very top and to be polite and courteous while dojng it.
A few weeks ago my AH called me and I was at work. He started yelling at me about something and I said "I'm sorry I have to go" and I hung up on him.
When I got home he apologized for yelling and said "i know you didn't have to go you didn't want to talk to me and that's ok" It was a lightbulb moment for me. That was when I realized how well this program works.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I would like to say, please call me when you are sober, then I would be glad to talk to you. My A doesn't make these calls so I haven't had the experience. Lyne
My AH does this to me very often. I just tell him I can't talk to him while he's like this and say bye and hang up. Sometimes I even have to block his number for a day otherwise he continues to call and call til I answer so he can argue with me. This is hard for me because sometimes I want to argue with him. But I know this will go nowhere!
My dad used to do this to me and I never had the nerve to hang up or politely get off the phone. I took a lot of abuse because of it. You did the right thing.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thanks all for your thoughts. The thing I find really difficult is he doesn't get shouty or confrontational, it is just extremely passive aggressive. He is often like that - but only directs it at me when he's been drinking.
When I was much younger I used to say things like 'contact me when you're sober' if he turned up or called when he was drunk; but then he would disappear for months at a time off the radar without contacting me. Our relationship is so much better now. Since coming into al-anon I have never mentioned my membership to him, or mentioned his drinking. I have a feeling that he has seen my daily readers when I have stayed at his house though.
It took me quite a while to realise that, even though I was attending meetings, I didn't really accept him for who he was or the disease he has. I used to only take calls before a certain time, or if we had agreed to speak prior to the call, but I realised after a while that it wasn't really working anyway, I was still trying to control and I was being pretty conditional with my love/expectations.
I guess it's about knowing my boundaries and being kind to myself first. I don't want to lie all the time about phone battery or whatever but I don't feel comfortable saying outright 'you've been drinking' because I know that will just result in an argument which as mentioned above gets us nowhere. There was a reading in ODAT recently about the alcoholic speaking a different language when under the influence so maybe I don't even need to think about it too much, because whatever I say will probably carry the same message.
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"There's still so much in me that I need to learn to love."
It only gets better when I learn to be honest with myself and allow my self to hang up without other than the honest justifications. I don't even have to say good bye to those who are insulting me...there is no requirement for it so I can and have just turned away from the abuse and walked off with my peace of mind and happiness intact. Looking for excuses to gain and maintain my peace of mind and serenity is not a tool for me because those two gifts are given and offered to me just because my HP loves me without exception and I don't have to do or be something more special than I am...though I try. (((((hugs)))))
I think you did quite well. There is no right way to handle this disease because it keeps coming at you. You have awareness and boundaries and that is the best you can do.
I think you ended the call perfectly and should be proud of yourself. No one deserves to listen to that abuse.
I have a real hard time with phone calls from my AH. Drinking or not, phone calls from him are hard. A lot of times he calls me just to complain about the entire world and how everyone is out to screw him. I used to spend a lot of time being his cheerleader trying to counsel him, just to get hung up on at the end for "saying the wrong thing". I have learned that I can't win against this beast of a disease, I try my best to separate my actual husband from alcoholism wearing a "husband suit". The few times I have been able to pull off a "I gotta go, can't talk now" response, he will later tell me that I don't care about him enough to listen to his problems...I just tell him, that I have no advice to offer, there is nothing I can say to help (and that's the truth). Dealing with this disease is like banging your head against a wall repeatedly sometimes, but if the same behavior is going to repeat, I might as well move away from the wall so my head doesn't hit. :)
Good for you. You did just the right thing. What good is going to come from trying to argue with your intoxicated loved one? From my experience, nothing good. The alcoholic isn't able to make rational thoughts or decisions when intoxicated, so it's practically impossible to have any meaningful communication at all. I know it's not easy to just say goodbye, but it has to be done. You deserve peace, happiness and joy <3
This is a situation I struggle with. Once my daughter has a few drinks, her personality changes (she seems to lose her "filter" and talks about subjects I find iinappropriate-and also seems to be less able to hear me as she talks "full speed ahead). So, while she may not be "drunk", I frankly don't relate to that person...so I just don'-t enjoy any phone conversation.
So after I realize her "state of being" I advise her that I need to go and I hang up.
