tears again - Al-Anon Family Group

mjferg · Senior Member

tears again

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary, I think healing is a painful process, because it involves self-inspection and digging up and examinations of past wrongs that most people (including me) just cover with denial. So I believe that in general, it does get worse before it gets better.

Making a gratitude and asset list helps me with this, I haven't done it too often because on the surface it always sounds hokey to me, but then when I buckle down and do it I feel better. I remember being in a therapist's office once complaining that my wife couldn't comfort me, so he said "well, then I guess you will have to learn to comfort yourself". it was many years before I found Al Anon and get actual tools for doing that, or at least tools that worked for me.

Will it go away? I don't think so. Will it affect you less and less as you work steps and get through it - yes. In fact, you don't want it to completely go away, because your recognition of red flags can go with it. Healing of physical wounds often involves scars - reminders that we can visually see that remind us that we did something that hurt us and we probably don't want to do that again. So even scars have a purpose.

Kenny

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mary, fortunately or unfortunately, you're not alone. Members of Al-Anon understand as perhaps few others can that is why the program is so effective and can work as long as we are willing to keep showing up one day at a time.

The tools that are presented to us our tried-and-true and understand what we need in order to have the courage to keep showing up one day at a time. We certainly don't have to do it alone, that is why we have meetings, sponsors, and Al-Anon telephone calls that can help us through the tough times.

I know that my life has crashed and burned at least six times and it did get harder in order to keep showing up and trusting and rebuilding. With the help of my Al-Anon friends and my Al-Anon tools I have been able to climb out of the dark hole of despair more than once. The last time was when my son passed from this disease.eight years ago and I do believe I voiced the same words that I hear from you. My sponsor just encouraged me keep showing up, stay in the moment and in the day ,sharing at meetings, read the C2C , live one day at a time and work the steps while I put principles above personalities. This kept me so busy that before I knew it I had climbed out about black hole and was living once again. The steps helped me to gain the wisdom I needed from my past painful experiences so as to learn the lessons I needed to grow.

One day at a time, focused on yourself, trusting HP, life will unfold and take you with it are a great adventure. Keep coming back you're worth it

mjferg · Senior Member

Thank You so much.It does help tremendously to know that others have also experienced this and have found a way to deal with it.

CoopsMom · Veteran Member

((((HUGS MARY))))

Sorry you are feeling this way. It's amazing how our emotions can bring on a feeling of physical exhaustion, the mind is so powerful. I hope you can get some rest and recharge your batteries a bit. Sometimes when I am down I spend time beating myself up for past mistakes and choices. I see how I have repeated the same mistakes and wonder if I will ever learn from them.

In order to break that cycle, I try to think of myself as a good friend. If a friend came to me with exactly the same feelings I am having, what would my advice be to her? How would I treat her, what would I do to cheer her up and show her that life goes on, and that it CAN and WILL get better? Some times I even talk to myself out loud. :)

Love yourself. I hope you feel better very soon.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary, it does "feel" worse before it gets better. Consider this:

If you were not changing and improving what would you do as a codependent rather than go through these painful feelings and really address them? If you were not changing and improving, you would run out, find another addict or emotionally unavailable boyfriend and start the cycle all over again so you wouldn't have to feel this pain.

So...you are not doing that now. You are coming to terms and changing and feeling the feelings that have been at the root of some of your dysfunction. Growth is painful, but I applaud you for going through it rather than what our old pattern has been which is to go around it in unhealthy ways until it bites us in the butt.

Keep on keeping on!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary you are right where you need to be. Change is hard and painful.
We need to face our truths with courage and honesty as we are ready
To do so. You have your HP, therapist, alanon,mip and family and friends
Behind you in your journey.

All the feelings and emotions that you can now process and face are because
you are getting Healthy thru recovery work it can be very painful.

I often feel like i could pass Out from my emotional processing. I feel very
drained and emptied but God Is holding my hand to give me strength to go
forward.

Be as gentle with yourself as you can. Feel your HP at work.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you asked a good question. The answer is that it has went away for thousands of people. Most folks who spent years wjth an alcoholic are broke and alone. I know i did and still am alone. I left my home and everythjng in it and started again. I know where your coming from. Seeking the help in alanon, facing up to your shortcomings isnt always easy. I found when i truly began to believe that i wasnt a victim. I believed i was sick and my ex was sick then its easier to see its not about someone treating me badly because he was bad or i was weak, stupid, etc. blame and guilt and anger was hurting me and i dont want to be hurt anymore so im not. I learned to forgive, him, myself, the world and i think that was important to my recovery. Ive let go of it, it weighs you down. I think its brilliant you see your shortcomings, you might need to look deeply for your assets, there will be just as many. Watch out for self pity, it seems to go hand in hand for all of us and it breeds misery and its a lie. I look at what i have got, its so much more than most folks have, its not money or things, ive got awareness. Im getting to know myself, im liking myself, im happy withwhat ive got gratitude ,ists every day change your viewpoint.

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

HUGS AND MORE HUGS FROM ME!! I ALMOST CRIED THROUGH YOUR POST CAUSE IVE FELT THAT WAY LOTS OF TIMES ESPECIALLY LAST 2 YRS

ALL ON THE BOARD LOVE YOU IN A 'SPECIAL WAY' AND ARE PULLING FOR U

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry MJ. I felt like I was fighting a neverending fight with depression for a long time too. It did get a lot worse and became quite overwhelming before improving; I think it was a combination of grief and, as you say, internalised anger. I was living with and around abusive people who were sucking the very life out of me and I had no way to express my anger or defend myself so it all got directed inside instead. As I started to realise that I wanted something much better for myself, the depression got worse because the life I was living became so unnaceptable to me and initially I didn't see a way out of it and felt I was trapped and it would never improve. In hindsight that was the first step towards freedom, realising that i was so very, very unhappy with what was.
When I finally moved into a place where I feel secure and comfortable with no-one making life hell inside my own home, it got a little worse initially (I thought I was "lonely" but I think it was just a purge of sorts) and then the black clouds just started to lift and life looks better than it has for many, many years. I had not realised how much my living with abusive, overbearing people had worn me down and sucked the life force out of me. My vitality is coming back now; I had forgotten what it feels like to have energy and feel positive and happy. I actually think I am experiencing it for the first time to be honest. I might even seem like a well adjusted person to the outside world!
I am willing to bet that when you find yourself in a comfortable secure home free from horribly abusive landlords and mould (and dubious ex boyfriends waving dusters at you) things will look a lot better and the horrible depression will start to lift. To be honest I don't think anything I did to try to manage the depression made much of a difference until I got away from life sucking, abusive people and made a new, safe nest for my daughter, fur kids and self.
So in answer to your question, yes, I think you can make a kind of sense out of a truly painful life and yes I think the pain does go away if we keep working at treating ourselves with care and respect and kindness. Keep at it, it sounds like you are so close to some major and wonderful changes!! I have my fingers crossed for you to find the perfect home in the perfect place any day now.

(((MJ)))

Mich · Veteran Member

Mary, I'm also sending hugs!!

My aunt said something to me years ago which has stuck with me. She said "Only when things become so uncomfortable that we can no longer carry on that way, do we make changes". We don't change anything when things are good or okay. We are forced into changes when we are longer able to cope and that in itself proves our strength. We don't cop out. We don't stay. We move on and as awful as it may feel for a while, the fact that we are making these changes means that it will get better.

Perhaps anger isn't as toxic as we think. Perhaps anger is the thing we need to change our ways. Continued anger is useless and can only cause dis-ease but a little is powerful.
You cannot look at other 'well adjusted people' and judge yourself like that. Let me assure you that everyone struggles with this thing called life. Ever single of the 7 billion people on this planet has self doubt, insecurities, regrets and worries. You are certainly not abnormal or less than anyone else. You are not on a lower scale or in the 'unworthy' pile. You haven't screwed up. You more than most have introspection and are prepared to do the work. Your strength, more than many others, is what other people strive to achieve, even if they don't see the daily struggle. You have as much right as every single other person to be loved, appreciated and blessed.

Appreciate the tough times. Once you are back on your feet, those tough times will be your measuring stick. You will appreciate the good so much more because you have conquered the 'bad'. If life was all good, we would be apathetic, spiritually crippled and unmotivated to achieve. If everything was fixed immediately, we would never learn, or at least I wouldnt. I have a thick skull sometimes.

mjferg · Senior Member

Well today is a new day and all of the posts have helped me.I realize that while I have ended a very dysfunctional romantic relationship, I must apply what I have learned to every area of my life.I am thinking about what missmeliss had to say and she is spot on as I am still struggling with a very unhealthy dysfunctional landlady and I do believe the stress of my current situation is getting me down,I felt bad about moving because I did sign a lease but I have held up my end of the bargain.I have always paid my rent, and that last episode of her forcing her way into my home is just the end,as far as I am concerned her behavior has broken my lease and as soon as I can find a place I am moving.I can no longer live in the stress of dysfunction.I am not the only one who is unhappy,my neighbor is also looking for a place because of the way she is.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.