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Post Info TOPIC: When others focus more on the alcoholic than you do.


Veteran Member

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Posts: 41
Date:
When others focus more on the alcoholic than you do.


Since the car accident, my AH has separated from some of our mutual friends.  In some ways its a good thing, because they are the "partiers" and there is always beer and whiskey flowing.  But I have also come to realize it's a way for him to avoid the  consequences.  They are angry at him for drinking and driving and putting both of our lives at danger.  Among some other things.  He does not want to address these issues.  (Although I think he will- with time.  ODAT, right?)

But they complain to me about his behavior.  And so does my family.  It puts me in such a hard spot.  I try not to engage in those conversations because I am trying to detach from the negative and focus on myself.  But it feels like their focus consistently wants to come back to the alcoholic.  And I can't fix whatever wrongs he has done to them.  I understand that a big part of it comes out of love and concern for me and my hubby.  But it sure makes it hard to work my own program when others want to talk about his wrong-doings with me.

I have invited everyone I know to come to al-anon with me.  No one has accepted my invitation yet.  And that's fine.  Lead by example, I guess.

 



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a4l


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1396
Date:

No you cant make his amends, you're so right. Alcoholism is a twisting thing, drinkers take enablement wherever they can. One way is to use the failings of other drinkers to keep them from looking at their own problems. Malachai McCourt shared a discussion with his deeply alcoholic father about his drinking problem. His fathers reply was I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink metholated spirits. So perhaps for the social circle, not being in a car accident means they are in control of their drinking and they have a need to pin it on you to help their own addictions. Or perhaps not. Not your problem in any event. I hope you find good and true friends to support you in recovery. Recovery is an enormous threat to addiction. Addiction is a sickness of the mind. One cant put a healthy thought in a sick mind and expect it to come out healthy.keep on keeping on bloodshot betty.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 239
Date:

I guess they need to talk to you about it to process it. If they are looking for amends from him you can say "please take this up with AH" if they are trying to process it for themselves you can say "I understand your concern I think Al-anon meetings might help you figure this out, it's not my place to interfere"




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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
Date:

I found this to be very true in the beginning. People wanted to tell me what a bad person he was and when I started choosing not to take up their cause they pushed even harder and became angry as if by refusing to feel the shame of his actions and grovel, apologise and then agree with them, I was somehow complicit. It took a lot of episodes of me stating the same thing repeatedly..."I cannot control what he does and I do not want to talk or think about his behaviour as I need to concentrate on my own life now"...I can't tell you how many times I had to say that even to my own parents before they finally, eventually understood and stopped demanding I absorb everyone's anger towards him. His family cut me off completely once they realised I was not going to discuss, analyse or report on him any longer. Apparently without that i was not interesting or worth knowing and I'm glad I know that now.

Anyway what I have found throughout this process is that picking a simple phrase that expresses your boundary and repeating it calmly and repeatedly usually sinks in eventually. The people that care about you will keep in touch and start taking an interest in you yourself and the people that were only interested in A and his drama will go silent and that's a good thing!

We, by and large have already absorbed so much on our A's behalf, absorbing everyone else's anger and frustration with them as well is just insane. Any wonder I was so angry, sad and tired all the time. Ugh!!!
Hugs to you. You're doing awesome!!

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Senior Member

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Posts: 194
Date:

Hi Betty,

Sounds like you're going in the right direction.  Just need to tighten the boundaries a bit.  I have to keep in mind that I'm dealing with a disease and with that comes insane thinking.  I can't expect these folks to be sane, rational individuals.  That would be insane and dishonest on my part.

I like what Meliss wrote.  My Sponsor taught me the same thing.  It works, just takes time to sink in.

Anyway what I have found throughout this process is that picking a simple phrase that expresses your boundary and repeating it calmly and repeatedly usually sinks in eventually. The people that care about you will keep in touch and start taking an interest in you yourself and the people that were only interested in A and his drama will go silent and that's a good thing!



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