The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I took my husband to treatment at the end of December. We had been separated before that but had discussed our marriage and decided that we were going to stay married. After his 28 day program he decided that he was going to stay where he went to treatment in a halfway house. I was fine with that. I thought we was headed to better days. Ive been working Al anon program and going through the steps. I asked him did he want me to come visit him and bring the kids he he said no. He told me he needed to get himself together before he can do anything for anyone else. which I kind of understand. he has cut all communication off from me and our kids. I just don't understand how does a person completely forget about his wife and kids. I know he has communicated with his mom. I don't know. I'm doing what I need to do work on me, just love my husband.
I know it's really hard but the only way I can deal with my separation is focusing on me and re-learning what makes me happy. F2F meetings two or three times a week really helps me also. Hang in there!
What a hard situation. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I don't know if it is easier with or without contact, with or without separation. Sometimes I think things would be so much easier for me if my wife did in-patient treatment. Just hard, all around. I try to stay focused on my program and doing things I enjoy doing. Keeping my focus on myself and my program has really helped me cope.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
skorpi, I try to keep myself busy and in contact with someone from the program. I just miss him or the idea of him. greener gal I also attend 2/3 f2f al anon meetings and at least one open AA meeting weekly. it helps tremendously to share and listen.
I'm glad you are attending meetings. Strangely enough, recovery for many is as hard if not harder than drinking. They have to go through a process where they finally come to grips with the fact that recovery is the most important thing in the world to them. And once they have come to that point, they have to figure out what it is that threatens recovery. And EVERYTHING gets examined, or should get examined. My wife came to the conclusion that I was a huge threat to her recovery, and once the case was presented to me I had to agree, I had to change some of the ways that I interacted with her. We had a bad marriage, and her picking up the bottle was part of that. I didn't cause her to drink, bus untreated depression over our marriage got her started, then alcoholism took over.
Your husband may be going through that discovery process. In some cases, shutting down communication is the best way to try to figure out triggers. And, in many cases, alcoholics also blame others that are really innocent for quite a while until their maturity level allows them to realize how much of it is their own doing - if they ever get there.
In the meantime, this could be a rough ride, and there is no guarantee what the endpoint will be I'm afraid, so meetings, detachment, being with any supportive friends: it sounds like you are approaching this as well as you can.
Doing the next right thing for the kids and I keeps me grounded in what is vs what I think I want. It's a great opportunity for you to continue on your healing journey.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Like Serenity said above: Keep doing the next right thing. Sometimes that just means doing the dishes. So glad you are attending meetings. I know that when I feel myself slipping in program, I have to regroup and throw myself right back into it. HUGS!~
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
There is a Higher Force(Power) involved here. There's a plan laid out. You just don't know what it is yet. I found when I work on myself, everything falls into place the way it's supposed too. When I look back at the pain and struggles, it all got me to where I am today. I'm very grateful for it all. At the time, it was not pleasant. I was hopeless and in despair. I ending up divorcing my wife. It was hard, but I see it as a gift today. I'm much happier and more at peace. God had it all figured out and I spent countless days worrying...........
These will be tough times for you and your children. Just because they
Are dry doesnt mean they are cured. The underlying problems of why they
were A drunk are still there. Those are the issues that need to be worked on.
Emotional sobriety takes a lot of work and courage to be honest.
When my marriage feel apart both of us were in our own programs. What
We really should have done was move apart and each one work on ourselves
And then when we were both emotionally healthy work on the marriage.
That is not how it played out but it would have been the program way to go.
Relationships are a lot of work and they take emotional maturity and
Availability also Good and healthy coping skills. Those things are very
things challenging to an A. No decisions need to be made right away
about your marriage. One day at a time!
The healthier and happier you get you will be strong enough to face what
You need to when the time comes. There is no telling where or how Things
Will play out.
Hello! First I am so glad you attend meetings. I went through something rather similar. My AH was ordered to a 1/2 way house and when he was finally allowed to go into the place, he up and left, never said Hi, bye or nothing. I heard from him 3 weeks later and then not really because my daughter felt sorry for him and went to his court appearance and he told her he couldn't call me except once a day for only 2 minutes.....needless to say that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I was so hurt, angry, sad, resentful that he ran off to work on him. It took me quite a few months to understand that I needed him away from me as well so I could get some good healing and clear my heart and head.
Everyone says this but it really is true. Work on just you and your children. I was lucky and only had myself to worry about. It was hard, but it was also good. I have now established very clear boundaries, have my own thing going, insisted on and am attending marriage counseling with a counselor who is 48 years sober so my AH can't slick anything over on him, and I actually have peaceful days.
It's tough also when they get sober, they are still very selfish, self-centered, immature, resentful etc. but you will be better while working on you in handling an AH. Hugs to you, keep coming back.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I know he has communicated with his mom. I don't know. I'm doing what I need to do work on me, just love my husband.