It's over - Al-Anon Family Group

Mich · Veteran Member

It's over

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Mich-

I know the decision you made is not an easy one. I had to make is also. I can relate to your thoughts about binge drinking. It took me a LOOOONG time to see that is alcoholic drinking. You will probably be going through many emotions --it's great that you came here to share. You are not alone!

I had the same thought about single parenting. Sadly I felt that I was doing that for a good part of my marriage as well, so parenting post divorce has not been so scary.

Wishing you lots of strength and support.

Mary

Mich · Veteran Member

Thank you Mary!

It means a great deal to me that I'm not alone. As supportive as my friend are, I don't want to talk to them about this miserable situation all the time. I prefer to laugh and forget the sadness but I do need to know that I'm not a completely horrible person for not supporting and helping him. I tried. I honestly did.

I feel awful that I've hurt him. I never wanted to do that, but I also cannot let this disease destroy me. I don't want to wake up at 80 and regret my inability to enjoy my life. My anger and resentment killed my love for him a while ago. I'm not sure exactly when I no longer loved him. I began to dread his trips home (he has a commuting job). I distrusted every word that came out of his mouth.

I do feel a whole range of emotions. You're absolutely right. I keep skipping between them like a crazy woman....relief that it's over, anger that he chose to order the drinks on the plane when he knew how angry I'd be, guilt that he's alone, disinterest, regret that I couldn't make it work, relief again. A lot of my hours are spent blocking it out.

I feel like I've been on pause for the past few years and am now willing to press 'play' again. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I'm prepared to work hard to make it good.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

What a very hard first step you took. I get it.

In January I told my husband I would not bail him out if he did not go to rehab. He went. We are both working our programs and I see improvement in both of us. It's really cool to watch

I hope you have face to face meetings... they really do help.

Mich · Veteran Member

Ladybug, I will find F2F meetings. I know there are meetings in my neighborhood, I just need to find out the times. If I procrastinate on this, all I'm doing is delaying my own recovery speed. I'd like to think I can do this on my own but that's pretty short sighted isn't it. I don't have to carry on pretending everything is always wonderful. I can talk to people who understand...same as I'm doing here.

I've procrastinated and made excuses for too long. I was scared. I'm still scared, but more terrified of not moving on

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mich, I understand your actions and your decisions. I would like to urge you to search out those Al-Anon meetings and attend. Living with the disease of alcoholism not only affects the problem drinker but also every family member. Because of this, we do need a program of recovery of our own and Al-Anon has been a successful recovery program. I was told that I could not fix myself without the fellowship of others.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Mich-

What you wrote about being on pause for a few years is spot on. I will tell you that Alanon helped me press play again. I felt everything you did. In fact I looked back at some posts of mine from about two years ago when I first came to the program. One was about how I was trying to trust again and after a few days of him saying he was turning over a new leaf, came home after a binge and I really started to think I was going out of my mind.

So glad you are here and we are all here with you

Mary

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound strong michelle. Going to ftf alanon meetings breaks
The isolation caused by the disease. We get as sick as they are
But in a different way.

You will learn useful tools to live by. You learn about self Care,
self love and self acceptance. It is a me program for our emotional
And spiritual health. You have your own HP to help you on
Your journey.

You are in for a very rocky road. Embrace ftf alanon with all
Your might for the support you will need. Go to as many mtgs
As you can. You do not need to say a word just absorb the
Wisdom.

Mich · Veteran Member

Right after my previous post I phoned the local AA group. Of course I had to choose that moment to break down in sobs. The sweetest lady on the the other end of the phone called me back, giving me a few minutes to compose myself. Their family meetings are tomorrow at 1pm and I'll be there.

Now I just have to decide when and how to break it to my sons. This man is the only father they have ever known and even though he wasn't home full time because of his commuting job, my youngest son especially, will be completely heartbroken. I do believe though that I will be a better mother to them without the constant stress and worry. I won't be as impatient and tightly wound. I never want them drinking to the point of being abusive and falling down is normal or seeing someone else do it. I've been able to hide it up until now but by coming home drunk, he's shown me that he doesn't care. We had an agreement that he wouldn't drink at home for the last 2 years. I had to put up with numerous abusive phone calls and emails but the boys didn't see it hear that. They only ever saw him sober.

By coming home drunk, he broke all that and showed me that he will never change. 7 and a half years is a long time and I have a million regrets. The biggest is that I didn't have the courage to walk away sooner. The alcohol has chipped away his nice personality little by little, perhaps that's why I stayed. He wasn't always so toxic.

Mich · Veteran Member

Thank you Mirandac. I have been so lethargic for I supppose the last year or so. I retreated into my shell completely and now it's time to come outside again. I'm not a chatty person in real life but I think that's also because of this dark cloud. I read whenever I can and that's to get lost, to escape and to disengage I think. It's safe there but it's not helpful. I'll never stop reading, but I will stop hiding.

Time to live again however many stumbling blocks there may be.

I appreciate every single post and comment. You really are helping more than you could know...or perhaps you''ve been helped like this in the past and know the shadows and the light. Thank you

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Many here have walked in your shoes before you. Do find ftf
alanon mtgs for you. It is a process that takes time to sink In
and embrace. The meetings are not about the alcoholic But
you and your healing from the effects. A lot of us grew Up in
dysfunctional or alcoholic families.

You are not alone. Keep reaching out for love and support from
Good, caring people. This disease does a number on our sense
Of self. You look back and say Where did I go? What happened?

It all takes time in recovery to get thru this. Face our demons
And process our feelings and emotions when we are healthy
Enough to do so.

Be extra gentle on yourself and your children.

mjferg · Senior Member

You just told my story,my ex was a binge drinker.He would disappear for days,I didn't know where he was or if he was even coming back alive.When he did come back,there was raging and blaming and fighting.The stress of living with the disease was too much for me to bear.I was afraid because of my financial situation,but honestly he didn't contribute much,he lived off of me.Even though it has been hard picking up the pieces and trying to make it on my own,it is by far better now than living in that constant crisis.We have been apart for about 5 months now and I am able to make decisions based on what I want my life to be like.I am no longer a nurse trying to help a sick person.

Mich · Veteran Member

Quick update:

My AH has just phoned me out of the blue...we haven't spoken since Sunday night. No contact whatsoever.
He is so drunk he could not get the words out properly. Apparently he wants to meet. Tomorrow (Thursday) is impossible he says so I suggested Friday morning. That won't work either because he's booked a flight back to where he works which leaves at 9am. So after much patience and trying to decipher what he is actually trying to say, we are meeting at 10:30 tomorrow. I want to tell him face to face that this is over. I don't want him phoning, emailing or texting me again. I need to rip the bandage off in one go so that he gets it.

The strange thing is that I'm not upset as I would have been in the past. I don't have that sick feeling and my hands aren't shaking.

His phone call left me unfeeling for the most part...a bit irritated as one would be with a telemarketer. I wasn't relieved that he was okay, angry that we hadn't spoken or even upset that he's drunk. I feel nothing. Maybe hunger, I haven't eaten a proper meal in 3 days.

I feel so much better for making this decision and taking the step..I am worth more than this.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Stay strong at the meeting. I hope you are meeting on neutral territory (NOT YOUR HOME)

hugs.

CoopsMom · Veteran Member

Mich

Good luck at the meeting with AH tomorrow, stay strong. You will then have the Al-Anon meeting to look forward to afterwards, that should help after going though a tough time.

Your situation is eerily similar to mine, but I am still stuck on pause. Thank you for sharing it helps me reflect on my own struggles. I wish you the best.

GreenerGal · Veteran Member

So much courage, you ROCK! I'm sending positive energy for your meeting with your ex but honestly it sounds like you got this. Stay strong and let us know how the Al-Anon meeting works our for you.

LinSC · Senior Member

YOU ARE WORTH MORE, good luck with your meeting, you are not alone, please keep up the meetings with Al-anon..... linsc

Mich · Veteran Member

Ladybug ness, I was going to let him come to the house for 2 reason: 1) he can collect all his stuff and 2) I know he's going to be nasty as hell and cause a scene and I don't want it to be public....but now that you were so adamant, I'm rethinking it....a coffee shop maybe? What would you suggest?

He phoned again asking to come this evening but I said no because my boys are here and I haven't told them yet and my son came back from a 2 night school camp this afternoon and he needs to get to bed early. I don't want their lives disrupted. They think he's still at work in the other country. I had to lie when they asked why he hadn't come home as scheduled. I will never lie to them again. I prefer an unhappy truth to a nice lie but this was for their protection and I didn't want my son going on camp with this on his mind.

Coopsmom, thanks for the encouragement. One day you will press 'play again' either on your own or with a man who has gotten help. Until then, don't hide yourself. Get yourself back at all costs.

Greenergal, positive energy gladly accepted and cherished. He can no longer upset me. I've taken my power back. I was a silly twit for giving it away in the first place 😄

I'm looking forward to the meeting tomorrow and hope that there are awesome people like all of you there.

Good vibes

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

SO glad you are pushing play again! Coming to Alanon did that for me, too.

If I knew there was to be a scene, I would WANT it to be in public. Living with my alcoholic wife taught me to hide alcohol and her alcoholism, and lie about what was really going on. I am done with that - embarrassing or uncomfortable reality/honesty is better for me than hiding in the dark, clutching my secrets.

Good luck with your program and your own recovery. Living more normally is possible, I have found, with the support of Alanon and my program.

Mich · Veteran Member

Thank you LinSC and Skorpi.

I spoke to my mom this evening and told her everything. She feels so bad that she didn't know. How could she? I hid it for years, from everyone, even myself in the beginning. She knew things were going through a bad patch but she didn't know the extent of it all. I didn't need her blessing (strange way to put it I know) but i did want to give her fair warning that our lives (that of my sons and I) would be a bit tipsy turvy for a bit. She is an incredible woman and has my back. I'm just sorry that she's sad for me. I didn't want to upset her. She worries.

I will take the advice and meet in a public place. If he makes a scene then so be it. If he storms off and calls me names, then that's okay too. Just because he says it doesn't make it true right ?!? I feel so much calmer having made a decision and for the fact that I have support.

Thank you!!

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Yes when he misbehaves in public you are NOT to blame and it's NOT your FAULT....

I am so glad you told your mom. When I told my dad (who had no clue but does not live here) I was so scared that he would be mad at me. He's mad at my AH but not me.

A coffee shop is a good place.... I love starbucks. I meet my sponsor there.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

I love coffee shops.

One thing that someone shared with me about name calling that made it easier for me to deal with my wife when she calls me names is to replace the "name" I am being called with something else. I then repeat the new statement in my head, and that helps me to not respond or react to being called names. (So, You are such a §§§§% becomes "You are such a chair." and "You are acting like such an "§§" becomes "You are acting like such a table." "I am not going to be around you when you are such a/§&"%" becomes "I am not going to be around you when you are such a toolbox") That little trick made a WORLD of difference for me, because being called names really hurt me, and my wife knew it. This technique helped me to take the power out of what she said, because what she was calling me was as accurate as calling me a table, chair, or toolbox, which I clearly am not.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Probably in many ways when he came home drunk that was it. You knew it and it was such a relief to have it over with. When the days drag into weeks, into months, into years the family around the alcoholic get sicker and sicker. I too remember all of the names I have been called by my AH. I know it was the disease talking, but it still hurt none the less. This is a wonderful site and so helpful and supportive. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Mich · Veteran Member

the thing I'm most worried about today's meeting is that he won't accept my decision. I'm worried he'll argue and plead and try to talk me out of it and then I feel sorry for hurting him and end up compromising. I've been doing that for the entire relationship. I would angry, give ultimatums, he'd make promises and we'd be okay for a couple of months and then BOOM, it starts all over again.

I guess that's my answer right there! I fall for or prefer to believe the promises and end up being betrayed again.

I even thought this morning that I could ease into it by suggesting a 6 months break and then hopefully he'll have moved on, but that struck me as completely dishonest because I want it to be permanent. It might be easier but then I'm just as bad aren't I? I'm just going to have to be a complete b**** and cut the cord so that we can both get over it. He won't accept that he's a binge drinker who gets abusive verbally so he doesn't think we have a problem. It's all in my head and I overreact. He just has a drink now and again to 'relax'.

My BF even admitted last night that I'm different when i'm around him. Of course I am. I had to be very careful what I said or who I said it too because he would analyze everything and berate me for saying something a certain way or being too friendly with someone. English is not his first language so a lot of what was said in slang or in jest went right over his head and he wouldn't get the joke. He'd take it seriously or literally. I ended up analyzing every word I said and apologizing to Friends for saying something and then they would think I was crazy for apologizing because they got the joke and said stuff too. It was all in jest and messing around and what was I on about?

Off track there, I just wanted to write down my concerns and now that I see it in black and white and can hear some of you say 'stand firm', 'stick to your guns', 'don't be a doormat' in my head (hahaha) I know I have to be strong and not cave for the sake of his feelings or ego.

Will keep you updated!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Stay strong!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

He is meeting because he wants to wheedle you into reconsidering. Your agreeing to meet him means, as I see it, that you hope he'll agree to ending it. As long as you care whether he agrees, he has power. Therefore he will wield his power by refusing to agree.

In my experience - which is all too great - the way to do this definitively is not to meet. Not even once. After all, what's there to meet about? You already told him what you had decided. The only thing he wants to know now is if you will go back on your decision. For instance, if you'll meet one more time, which is step one in going back on your decision.

So he is just itching to get back into contact with you so he can wheedle you into compromising. In my experience. Which is all too great.

Also, as soon as we're removed from them, the memories start to fade and we start thinking they're less dangerous/disturbed/chaotic than they are, and our own addictions kick in, and our need to convince them to see our point of view, and we start missing them...

If I were in your shoes, knowing what I know now and having experienced what I have, I'd call off the meeting. If you're reluctant to do that, that might be a sign to pay attention to - that you're relying on the "fix" of seeing him - a feeling I know all too well.

If you want to go through with it, you might consider insisting on a coffee shop and taking a friend with you - someone to keep him from the wheedling.

Please take good care of yourself.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Yep I agree that the meeting is for him to "plead his case" and "convince" you to keep him.

Stay strong.
Stand your ground.

this is the very very hard part.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mich

"No" is a complete sentence. It needs nothing else to justify it, rationalize it, or defend it. "No" and walking away is a complete conversation if need be.

Kenny

Mich · Veteran Member

The meeting this morning was supposed to be where I was going to end it face to face. He didn't know of my decision to finally end it. He probably thought I would never really do it, so he thought we were getting together to talk. Pointless as he cancelled. During the phone he asked if he could come home and I said no. He now knows this is not like all the other times but he's still not seeing why I'm done...he cannot see that this has been a never ending saga. He will never see it because he doesn't want to. He then sent a text message asking me for one more chance because I mean everything to him and he loves me. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard those words. Strange how he doesn't hear mine though.

I did go to the local AA meeting today but they don't have an al anon group... Theirs are straight open AA meetings but they did say I could sit in and listen. One kind lady is going to try and find a local al anon group in this area. She only knows of 2 and they are both far away. I cannot believe my country is so backwards. In the meantime, I'm going to rely on the kindness of the people on here and ask all the questions I can.

What I learnt today:
Alcoholics come in all sizes, shapes, colours, genders and ages
There is no magic pill to cure alcoholism
Alcoholics are extreme manipulators and will say anything to hide their addiction, even from themselves
Some alcoholics are socially awkward while others are gregarious and the life of the party
They stand together and support each other through the worst
It is possible to be sober, they have to want it

I had an attack of the guilts this morning and spoke to my mom about it. Guilty because I was going to hurt AH. I've had months to come to this place in my life....for him it's all out of the blue. He kept thinking we could stumble along and keep working at it and one day it would magically come together. It's getting worse and I'm no longer invested in the relationship.

I've come to realize how much I have withdrawn into my shell and how it has affected my youngest son who just loves to talk and communicate. I get so short tempered because by talking to me all the time, he cracks my shell. He forces me to leave the caccoon. I have been a very absent (mentally) mother and I will change that...I played playstation games with them today after school. They were trying so hard to teach me how to work the controls but I just sucked. It doesn't matter, we had fun. I need to unwind, stop controlling every situation and getting panicked if I'm late for something (I usually end up being half and hour early)miss a phone call or email from AH (because then I'm ignoring him and getting up to nonsense) and just relax and let go. The world will not end

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

go to the open AA meetings... they will be very helpful. I like them a lot. I go when my husband invites me to attend with him. I'm sorry you don't have any close meetings to you where you are.

get some good Al-anon literature and read it. Start with the blue book of Al-anon.. then I find that Paths to Recovery is often recommended.

Mich · Veteran Member

Thank you ladybug. I will get my hands on some good books.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

There are three daily alanon readers one day at a time, hope for today,
And Courage to change. In the usa they cost 12-14 dollars each.

Open AA would be better than no ftf alanon meetings. Breaking the isolation
And being honest About the disease is very important. There is much
To learn and absorb.

All the things you said in your last post i could relate to and my ah is dry
But has the same thinking disease. I withdrew into constant reading too.
Good on recognizing the effects on yourself and your children.

We get as sick as the alcoholic but in a different way. Thats why there
Is alanon so we can become emotionally and spiritually healthy. It takes
Willingness, self reflection and honesty.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I too have gone to open AA meetings and it was very helpful. One day at a time and sometimes it is one minute at a time.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Mich, we say that nothing changes if nothing changes. but it sounds like you have changed. Therefore, expect lots of other changes to be heading your way as well. Many of them good, some may take a lot of fortitude, and some may seem not so good. But HP has your back, and when it gets going worst, just think ahead to the end result - a life where you are a feeling human being again, much less drama, and being able to connect with your kids.

I think you are doing great! Keep up the open AA meetings, look how much you learned from just one. And keep coming back here for your Al Anon, since the other meetings may not work out.

Kenny

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

There are meetings online here too.

But as for not having had any warning, I'd guess your A has had plenty of warning. I'm sure you've shown that his alcoholism is not fine and dandy for you, many times in many ways. He already knows that many people who have alcoholic partners have found they had to leave them. He knows the score. He's just been hoping that by refusing to listen and pretending nothing's wrong, you'd be fooled and manipulated into staying. He hasn't accepted the warnings (because denial is the name of the game), but he's had them. It may be out of the blue that you've finally had your fill. But he's had plenty of chances to understand the impact of his drinking and to change course.

If he wants to go into recovery, he still has just as much opportunity as ever. (Often they try last-ditch promises like "If you come back, I'll stop drinking" - meaning that if you don't, they won't - but of course the reality is that if you do, they won't). If he's indeed going to stop drinking, he can and will do it whether you're there or not. And if in a year or two years he's still sober and working his recovery hard, you could reconsider. So there's no need to think, "I should go back so he'll stop" - which may be his next tactic.

Take care of yourself!

Mich · Veteran Member

As always, I appreciate the strength and support of each and every one of you helping me here. Your words hit right at the heart of it and I've written some of them down in a notebook to keep rereading.

AH phoned me last night and begged. He begged and pleaded and cried. It was the most awful conversation of my life. I kept repeating that he needs help and he was adamant that he doesn't have a problem. In his mind, an alcoholic gets drunk every day. He cannot accept that a binge drinker is an addict and just as destructive to a relationship.
He begged for one more chance...he's had hundred. He said he never realised how unhappy I am....how did he not know when I've begged him to stop drinking (which I now realise was a huge waste of breath). He said that I must have found another man....again not wanting to take responsibility and accept that alcohol is the problem. It will be a long time before I have space in my life for anyone else, if ever.

I spoke to my eldest son last night and told him that we were divorcing because of the alcoholism. I will never malign AH's character but I did need him to know the real reason and that it was a real illness and that I couldn't carry on. He's absolutely fine with it as they were never very close. He also never knew it was a problem as I hid it from them and he never drank at home. He asked if that was why AH flew into rages. OMG that saddened me. I explained that he was dry when he was home but that may have been the withdrawal, that and he's continental so he has these massive temper tantrums and then calms down five minutes later.

I've blocked AH's number on my phone now but the text messages are still coming through. I haven't replied to any of them.

I wish so hard that he would jump into another relationship. I know that's cowardly of me. Its so difficult causing pain but he hasn't changed his ways to stop causing me pain.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{Mich}}}

Remember that all the begging and pain he's showing is in the service of the alcoholism. If he really would do anything to get you back, he'd go into a program of recovery, right? But what he wants to do is to have you and the drinking. The easy way. He wants the drinking to have no visible consequences. That's every alcoholic's dream!

In actual fact, experiencing the consequences of his drinking is the only thing that will give him a chance at glimpsing the damage his addiction is doing, and maybe urge him into recovery somewhere down the line. So although you are doing the right thing for you and your children, as you should be, one side effect is that you are also doing the most loving thing that can be done for him. Despite the fact that he's trying very hard not to see it.

Stay strong. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

Mich · Veteran Member

MATTIE you made my day. I was feeling so bad earlier. I haven't been able to eat for days and this morning met my BF for tea. I can see on my phone when AH tries to call but it doesn't actually ring. He tried 28 times. That's just obsessive. He sent numerous texts too until I sent one telling him to collect his bag (he's a pilot and needs his log books) from the security office and not to call again. I've made an appointment with a lawyer for Monday. He even called my mother asking if she knows what I've done. He still cannot grasp that I refuse to be in an alcoholic in denial. Like a complete ass I forgot to pay my bill so my internet is off. I'll go in tomorrow and sort it out. If I don't reply, hang on....I'm getting organised :)

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Hugs Mich.

I feel your pain.

Telling my AH that I had hit a boundary of "I can't be with you if you choose to drink" was so scary.. WHAT if he choose to leave me?! He didn't.

so now i have the "what if he drinks again and I have to leave" fear.

sometimes I think it would be easier for ME if he had chosen his first love alcohol over me.

hugs to you stay strong and brave I admire your strength.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Your doing great mich! Your not absorbing or Accepting
his stuff. You are protecting yourself and your children.

The disease wants to keep you in its hooks. My thoughts
Are with you.

((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))

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