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Post Info TOPIC: For those of us with young children


Senior Member

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For those of us with young children


Hi MIP,

 

I've seen several threads lately discussing the difficulties associated with an alcoholic spouse and young children in the home.  Those of us with children, will always have the alcoholic in our lives, because they are the parent to our babies.

As my two approach 9 and 11 - I am looking for ways to demonstrate detached love, healthy boundaries and positive self talk.

My children have a father who is dry, but narcissistic and they are at times so desperate for his affection and true emotional engagement.  This is something he can't give themrather than occasionally and superficially.  He loves them, without question.  And they know they are loved, without question.  But there is still an "out of sight out of mind" scenario that plays out over and over again when they return home from visitation with him.  Few calls, intermittent and spotty at best.  The perceived lack of interest is real for them.

I do my best to be light hearted about it, and never speak badly of him.  I strive to ensure they know that there is nothing wrong with them and there is nothing to be done.  It doesn't feel like my 9yo son is in anyway comforted by this.  He is hungry to be dad's little man....and I am powerless to change that hunger.

I cannot rewire EXif only it was so easy.  He is motived solely by self and image and importance among peers.  Children are fun, and a cute satellite that revolve around him periodically to make him look even better than the self proclaimed Adonis does on his own.

I am curious about similar parenting experiences and ways to handle the empty hole that is left in the hearts of children who have a detached parent....How do I cultivate and encourage their own inner peace and serenity?

I think the impact on my children is my greatest sorrow and the source of real grief for me.

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Practicing these principles in all our affairs is very important.  There is also an alateen program for children , when they are a little older and this will help them process any issue that may surface.  I  have a mom in my F2F meetings who is very upset with the children because they love daddy so and see no fault in him . He is the alcoholic. They fight with her constantly and see him as perfect .

It is difficult to see/ understand  how children process events.  You are aware and doing fine.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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I can relate and it sounds like you are doing really well. For me, ive tried to listen without saying much when my kids talk about their father. Mines are older but i think honesty is best with kids. They know whats going on really. I have said to my youngest that his dads behaviour or words comes from his disease and its not his fault.

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Thank you both....

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Senior Member

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I've told my 10 year old that her dad is limited by his illness (which she knows about) but that he loves her as much as he could possibly love anyone. She understands that but hates the "disconnect." He insists on all of his visits with her but won't do anything with her. He sits on the computer all weekend. He won't take her anywhere and doesn't even play cards or a board game with her. I told her to make lemonade out of the lemons-- her dad buys her ice cream (I don't) and there is no competition for the tv or the bathroom like there is at home with her stepsiblings, and there are no chores at dad's house, either.

Take heart-- you seem to be doing all you possibly can. I do the same, and my daughter is very emotionally mature. I've noticed it, and so have her teachers and other professionals she has worked with. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

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Member

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So that is something I haven't done yet. I haven't "told" my kids, but I think they know. They are 7 and 10. Should I? Do I need to have my husband there? Should I discuss it with him first?

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~*Service Worker*~

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I deal with extremes and my ex believing he actually has a say in terms of Taking the kids out of state for a summer visitation because he's been gone more than present unfortunately not happening. I have 11 and 16 very shortly. Honestly I don't have to say anything about their dad they see it. Thankfully he's married to someone who also sees it. She steps in when he's getting way out of control. I don't engage him about his behavior .. What i have shared is he does the best be can unfortunately sometimes it means his best sucks. He can't relate to anyone on an emotional level. So his behavior is about him. It has nothing to do with any short coming on their part. At some point should be make the decision to truly get sober he will have to face these choices. I try and make sure they are empowered to make choices and have a say in how much they choose to deal with him. The parenting agreement states they have the right to see their dad, end visitation, and so on. I'm very grateful they are able to have a say in that .. His behavior is emotionally and mentally abusive. He's at a different level of crazy right now and that's fine. we accept that none of us have to participate in his crazy behavior. They have good boundaries and they know when enough is enough. As far as telling the kids .. My kids knew he wasn't ok .. I was the one hallucinating they didn't know. We have open discussions about what is ok and what is not. Dad drinking during an hour visitation is not ok. Sober crazy dad is ok for an hour. I do my best to stay out of if he's calling or not that's between him and the kids. He's going to do what he's going to do. Sounds like you are on the right track. Safety always comes first for me based upon my part experience with him.

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



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I can't say what is right for your kids; I think it really depends on the kids themselves, how you think they could understand/handle such information. I waited until my mom heart told me it was time, I told her we were going out for coffee and to chat, and then I explained without laying blame. I told her about the disease aspect of it all and how it all affects me. She was relieved to have this chat because the things she was cooking up in her head were worse. I told her about al anon. She hugged me and thanked me for telling her and then implored me not to cry (these were tears of relief; I do not like keeping things from my kiddo). It's tough to know when the Time is right for this talk, but that's another thing al anon will help you with.

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Jenny, I meant to add that my ex is dry as well. Hasn't touched a drop in many years but he does not attend AA or any other recovery program, so he still has all the -isms. I've made a huge effort to facilitate a good coparenting relationship with him, and mostly we are able to do that, and I think that has helped my daughter quite a lot to see that we can be civil and we can come together for her sake.

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Irish - I love the way you explain in simple terms the advantages of being at dad's, even if it's hardly ideal. Thank you for your ESH and the encouragement. It means a lot to me.

Running - I really love what Irish7 said about waiting for her "mom's heart" to tell her when the time was right. There is no black and white, right or wrong here. I agree with Irish in terms of intuition and letting it happen when HP nudges us. Also, a bit more healing, experience and tools under my own belt will prepare me for the inevitable day they understand that their dad has a real problem. Lastly, I remember my grandmother saying once " when children are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to hear the answer". That helps me too. We should take our cues from them, don't you think? :)

Serenity - I've read several of your other posts, and it lifts me up to hear "they have good boundaries and know when enough is enough". My EX has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder by two practitioners during our marriage. I'm a slow learner, and just wouldn't listen until things got really bad and I hit my bottom. I feel encouraged to hear that if I model my own recovery, the kids may pick up on the tools as well...

I long to save them from any heartache in some respects as my own Penance, as if I can take all the blame and BS from him to spare them - because I CHOSE to marry him...But that isn't how it works. They will have a relationship with him. It will be their own. They will see his behavior in time. Please God let them also have tools to understand and cope with the "isms"....

Goodnight everyone.

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~*Service Worker*~

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As I have learned about the disease of alcoholism that whole issue of NPD seems to be hand and hand .. it's hard to diagnosis the additional mental issues while they are still drinking because so much is masked by the alcoholism. Mine has been diagnosed with bi-polar and I don't know that I totally buy that one either because again .. addiction behavior mimics so much stuff and when he was diagnosed he was at the height of his craziness. When the Dr's added pills to the mix of the alcohol OMGOSH it was a nightmare is putting it lightly.

Again what I see is as I get better so do my kids. I still struggle with detachment and have chosen to cut ties completely and outside of weekly/monthly therapy for the kids they have listening ears and they get so much more than I realized especially my 16 year old. She's almost 16 what's a few days? LOL! I envy others who can have a healthy relationship (at least on their side of the street) while allowing the A to do what they will or won't do I'm still struggling with that part of the deal. It's again unfortunate that he's shown me who he is and I totally believe him .. their safety comes first and foremost .. always. I'm very hardcore about that because of my experiences as a child/teen with an active addict. My kids totally understand I will involve the law if necessary regardless if he is their dad, .. his consequences are on him.

As far as what you said taking the blame for choosing him this is my opinion or maybe a conclusion I have come to regarding that issue. My children have real world coping skills for some difficult situations. There are many adults who couldn't cope with what they have had to learn at such a young age. Personally, I'm incredibly proud of the young adults they are becoming. They do not allow the past to define them. They understand forgiveness. They get personal responsibility and what that means. I am trying to teach them to be gentle with themselves as they grow and learn in this big world of ours. They have the boundaries that were mentioned already. My daughter one visitation had to take her brother by the hand and leave their dad's home because of the drinking and his behavior. She was able to tell him she loved him, however this was not ok for her and her brother to have to deal with. That kid was 14 years old at the time. I do not know grown up's who could have done what she did and did it in a very gentle however firm way. He tried to offer them a ride home and she said NO. You are in no shape to drive. Me .. I'm in hysterics crying and driving trying to get to them .. LOL .. seriously .. the kid is a rock star and I hope I can be like her when I finally grow up. I will feel better when she can come and go as she pleases. The fact she could do that speaks volumes to me that they get what is and is not ok for them in their bubble of safety. That was not ok for a million and one different reasons.

Best of all they have faith. They have a strong belief in a God of their understanding. They see their God as a God of forgiveness, unconditional love, and have learned God seriously has a wicked sense of humor .. they have me for a mother .. lol. Yes, I picked the XAH, the disease after much of my own battling with trying to fix, manage and control it has actually been so much more of a blessing. Honestly, I didn't know I had the strength in me I do. I didn't know I could heal from this experience. I didn't have such a strong relationship with the God of my own understanding and for that I'm beyond grateful. I have so much further to go, at least it's not so scary.

Just keep coming back you will find what works for you and your family, what feels intuitively right and in line with your HP. It's hard to know how to deal with such an unpredictable disease when there's no blue print to follow.







__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop

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