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This is a little bit difficult to write about. I suppose it is about guilt after living with an A and small children, and when is it alright to stop being guilty and ashamed and start being a whole parent again?
I did something today that was a bit out of character for me. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
For many years now I haven't received any gifts from my daughter or of course my A partner. Mothers day, Christmas, Birthdays, on every occasion I would buy gifts and cook meals and make a big deal for my daughter and A, but never received so much as a card for myself. I have in fact not had a mothers day gift ever, aside from, my mother sometimes buys a small gift like a pair of socks for my child to give me, and her stepmother also often gives her a hand-cream or a pot-plant or something little and nice to give me on my birthday, mothers day etc. (You know I do like my daughter's stepmother, in a different reality I think we would have gotten along well as friends).
Anyway I've never said anything about it and I've just told myself I don't need gifts, I don't care. My mother and a lot of other people I know do this thing I have always found weird, they buy a gift and then say it is from their partner (he might technically work and earn the money but that's a whole can of worms in itself) and they cook a special dinner and demand that everyone sit down and celebrate and make an effort. i never got it and I've never done it, but as my daughter gets older, she has a big allowance from myself and her grandmother, she likes to receive big gifts and expects a huge celebration for her birthday, for christmas, she demands that i buy extravagent gifts for her friends....yet she has never given me a gift that wasn't wrapped and handed to her by my mother or her stepmother.
Now when I was a kid it was SO important to give my mother something. usually a crappy handmade card and a dodgy piece of artwork, a badly potted plant, it doesn't really matter what, I still tried. I wanted her to know I cared.
So there is a lot of guilt that helps me stay quiet about this and not make any kind of fuss. I had almost forgotten about it but today I was sitting planning a gift for my mother for mother's day (it's in 5 weeks here in Aus) and you'd better believe I want to make it something special this year because OMG...and this "no gifts no celebrations" thing with my daughter suddenly hit me with full force. I remembered why. It might sound unforgettable but, it was a pretty insane time, those 8 years with my A and I have conveniently forgotten a lot of stuff, it can sometimes come back with a horrible bang. It's only just starting to dawn on me that it was a lot, and it was very bad, and it's probably OK that I am not OK and it's SUPER ok if my daughter isn't OK.
I realised that the last time my daughter tried to give me a gift, she was 5 years old and it was mothers Day. She made up a plate of crackers and cut up an apple and tried to bring me breakfast in bed and give me some gifts she had made at kinda. It was so sweet it breaks my heart to even think about it but of course it was Sunday morning and A was hungover and she woke him up too and he went beserk. He screamed at her "what have i told you about waking us up (I hated how his rules were always about "us" or "I've told you not to bother mum" when it wasn't what i wanted at all) and he took her laptop away as punishment. I was so angry and hurting for her that I fought him for the laptop (oh I wish i knew then what I know now) and it ended with him walking out and slamming the door in my face and knocking me out cold. I came around to find my 5 year old girl sitting next to me mopping my bleeding head with wet toilet paper. It was such a horrible shock, I couldn't even believe it was happening. My sweet girl tried to bring me mothers day breakfast and it resulted in her mother unconcious and bleeding with only her to take charge of the situation. Yeah you don't need to tell me. Is it really a surprise that she doesn't do Mother's day anymore? My sweet girl tried to give me a mother's day breakfast and it ended up with me knocked out and bleeding. I called his brother who drove for hours to come and take him away and then I just collapsed in a miserable heap. I didn't have any tools to help myself with, I was very sad and sick and I wanted so much to have the strength to just stop and never look back but i didn't know how. All I had in my mind was an image of the family we were on the good days, and i wanted that to be reality and I thought making that happen was the only way to make life better. I can't really even comprehend how i thought that way then but i know that I did. I had this really messed up idea that we were family and we would get through our crap and eventually it would all be alright because all that matters is FAMILY. I know that is hard to understand, it is hard for me to understand my own thinking back then. everything was so distorted. I thought we all needed each other. I didn't have any point of reference other than the fantasy I had built. Ugh it's exhausting to even think about. I feel angry when people judge women in those kinds of situations. I was there. I loved my kid, I loved my guy. I thought it was all on me, I thought I was responsible for what everyone said and what everyone did. What I took on was so huge, i thought I was actually responsible for making everyone happy. My heart hurts when people judge single mothers. Or mothers with abusive boyfriends. You know, we arent necessarily conniving villains with a super-clever plan in mind. Sometimes we are just people that love our kids and love our spouses and have no freaking idea how we got here either. My ex and his wife and his mother call me "baby mama"
I was married to that man for 8 years, I took my marriage vows seriously. He left as soon as things got tough and now I am "baby mama". To me, baby mama is a term very childish men us
One thing I heard from other people was the idea that women who stay with abusive men are selfish and only care about their urge to feel wanted. I didn't feel that way. My daughter was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me; nothing mattered to me more than her. Nothing. In my mind this was the only way that i could do it. Nothing changed for me until one day, and this must sound insane but i had never heard it before...I decided to do a degree and I started going to school and i was doing a psychology unit and we were talking about abusive relationships and counselling abusive relationships (which made me cringe omg) and someone said....those women need to show their children that they have value by valuing themselves. It was like a bolt of lightning. This had actually NEVER crossed my mind, that what I needed to do was learn to value myself and show my daughter how to do it. It seems incomprehensible to me now, that I didn't get that before. But I didn't. I really thought parenting was about suffering and showing your kids how much they were worth by how much you could endure in their name. I had never actually contemplated the idea of helping my daughter become a happy healthy womnan by BEING a happy healthy woman. Yes it sounds insane but I thought parenting was just about misery and sacrifice, if you gave enough and endured enough pain for your kids, they would know they were loved and they would be OK. I do realise how very sad and wrong that is now.
Anyway A was gone for a few weeks, he had court dates and all sorts of healthy things to attend to and when he came back i took him back in and we didn't have any incidents like that for many years. He never bullied me in front of my child again or injured me or fought with her, he only did it when she was away at her dads and somewhere in my mind that was OK, if it was only hurting me and she didn't know about it, it was OK. We stayed like that for another 6 years. A lot of bad things happened but never in front of my child so it was OK. I hadn't been introduced to the concept of caring about myself at that stage. So it was all OK in my book.
Ugh. Then years later when he did finally lose it in front of her, drunk out of his mind wrestling her ipad away from her and hitting me when i tried to get it back (seems to be a theme doesn't it?) I called the police because my daughter was afraid (it never mattered when it was just me. Why didn't it matter when it was just me?) and I didn't back down again and now here we are, it must be 8 months later, living in our own home and i still talk to him but the reality creeps in more and more and I remember things I honestly hadn't even considered for years. It's like a bad dream that I remember in fits and starts. It really was bad, when i start to let myself think about it I get dizzy. That really happened. I let someone punch me up and break my bones and take my money for years and years and I still speak to that person and call them a boyfriend even though I'm too afraid to be alone with them and can only feel safe with him if there are other adults in shouting distance. That's a pretty healthy relationship, isn't it.
So when i first sat down to write this it was just about mothers day presents, and how i haven't recieved one for a long time and today I did something I thought might be OK to encourage my daughter to be a little bit more generous with me but as I was writing I suddenly realised the horrific reality of WHY.
What I was going to say was, as I planned a mother day gift for my mother today, I decided maybe it's OK to insist on a little bit of mother-respect from my child. But then I wrote what i wrote and all I can think is, are you kidding? You deserve nothing you freaking horror show.
Irrespective of this I ordered a book that I really want to read (Dead Aid by Dambisa Moyo, its written by an African woman about how Africa is "given" aid by other countries, but no-one even asks if they need aid or what kind of aid they might benefit from, and so they are left with a lot of mess to clean up and debt for the "help" they have received. The example I was shown was, a bunch of British agriculturists went to Africa to show the silly Africans how to grow crops and feed themselves. So they spent months cultivating tomatos and then one night when the fruit was ripe, the hippos came out of the river and ate the entire crop. Then the codependent British people were angry and it was just added to the insurmountable debt Africa faces from all of this well intentioned "aiid".
Anyway I ordered this book I want to read, from a book shop that is near my daughter's school. And I contacted my mother and told her, I want daughter to give me this book for mothers day. I will pay half of the money but please tell her she should pay half from her pocket money and she should collect it and wrap it herself and dont tell her I asked you. My mother responded with "yes, it's about time you demand she respect you Melissa. I'll make sure she gets the book.
Is this weird?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Not weird at all. What IS weird is that I'm agreeing with your mum I'm not a crying type, but this post got the waterworks going-- I identified on so many levels. I learn a lot from your posts, thank you.
Dear Ms. M, as usual your honesty ,clarity and humility touched my heart and soul completely. Please remember that we are all attempting to recover from the devastating effects of living with the disease of alcoholism. Living with this disease without the help of Al-Anon, we were struggling in the dark, with erroneous beliefs and defective tools to live by. We each did the best we could with what we knew at the time.
Coming to Al-Anon and learning new ways to respond and not react, focused on ourselves and trusting a higher power, our self-esteem improved, our attitudes changed and we became better able to handle life on life's terms. Our old tools were replaced with compassion, detachment, empathy, self-care, courtesy and respect. These changed attitudes are reflected in each and every interaction that we have and this is the very important amend , that we make to family and friends.
I can understand how you feel and I do believe that I had a similar conversation with my son when he was around 12 years old. He actually heard me because I said what I meant, meant what I said without saying it mean, and every occasion thereafter I received a card and gift. As you noted, it isn't the gift that counts . It is the acknowledgment of your existence and your efforts.
I am pleased that you made the effort, and your mom is hundred percent right. Thanks for being here and sharing the journey
I can relate to a lot you said here mel, thanks for sharing. Ive got many stories like that where my kids saw or heard or felt things no mother ever wants their child to go through. When we live with alcoholism it kind of goes hand in hand. I became aware of that and it helped me not feel guilt. I did the best with what i knew at the time. I didnt know much because i was deep in denial about what how life really was in my house, all the while my kids were being damaged. Thats the facts of it, no judgement really, whose to blame? Does it help to find a culprit or blame myself? No. Guilts a dangerous state of mind for me, it takes away my dignity and makes me lie down to be a doormat which in turn continues the dysfunction and is the wrong example for my kids. I dont know if ive ever felt judged by others, i judged me harshly. I dont anymore and i dont judge other mothers how could i? Denial is a powerful tool in the dysfunctional family. It takes courage to wake up and see the truth of the childhood our kids have had. I know it wasnt all bad, nothing ever is. There were good times. It wasnt always chaos or there was some good times within it. Dysfunction and alcoholism are not good environments to bring kids up in. Isnt that just a fact? I People who judge single mothers often are people who judge everyone for just about anything. It might be ignorance or their own hurt inside themselves or maybe bigger reasons. wqking up and seeing the truth is painful, its like growing pains.so etimes i can look back and im right there again, feeling the same feelings i did back then. Its not good for me. I feel better rethinking it. Im not a victim, i wasnt then either i was just a person who didnt know what to do or what to think. I didnt know how to change things for me or my family. I know better so im doing better thats the best i can do.x
You sound like someone waking up feom a bad nightmare. You are not weird in any way. You are just mel and I wish I had trusted from the get go that you would heal in your own way and in time with your own hp. You keep getting healthier and that is all that matters.
Mel its finally getting out of the abuse and you are starting
To heal. You are free and safe to work your recovery
And start to free yourself of your past traumas and grief.
It all takes time be patient and gentle with yourself as You
Work thru your life. I process as much as i can handle at a
Time. Some things take longer than others.
Hang around with good healthy people That treat you right
And make you feel good and are supportive.
It is a long hard process to emotional and spiritual health.
Abuse cuts to our core and it takes a long time to Heal.
Thats where your HP comes in to give you the love and
Strength you need to recover.
I think it's lovely that you are on the path to healing, turning over a new leaf and making a conscious decision to change the memory bank for your daughter... No longer will "Mother's Day" be a memory of yelling and slamming doors and mummy on the floor. This year, it will be about paper and bows and a lovely book purchased with her very own money - and I'm so glad for you.
That made a lot more sense in my head than it does when I reread it now. Sorry. It kind of snowballed. I had intended something light about gifts, and is it silly to care about them but instead all of that came out. It happens a lot lately, the dark stuff seems to come out when I am feeling peaceful and happy, I guess I dont feel like I am going to crack apart if I let myself think and feel it now. Or something. I described the book I ordered for mothers day because its like al-anon applied to the whole world, everyone trying to "help" a people who do not want and have not asked for help and then getting angry when the "help" doesnt work and isn't appreciated. We can be SO sure that we know what someone needs but in reality there is so much we don't know about someone else's experience. Anyway my counselling teacher referenced the book a few times as a big example of how we tend to approach people thinking we have all of the answers and I thought it sounded fascinating, I can't wait to read it. Anyway sorry, what I wrote was a bit of a mess, thanks for enduring and deciphering it. Now it is tomorrow and my daughter is grumpy and rude and I am trying to placate her with pizza from the yummy expensive place. The world keeps turning.....
Thanks everyone for giving me a safe place to get some of this stuff out where I can look at it and make sense of it.
(((everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 20th of March 2015 01:33:40 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
My mum was no angel. But I love her and I know without doubt she loves me because the good far outweighs the bad. That's what matters. You are so in the right place. Its great that she's going to help buy the book. Neither of you are in that space of domestic war anymore, so its fabulous that you begin new rituals in your new lives.
I understand the book premise. It's a challenging line to draw between trying to help folks and enabling versus rescuing versus being altruististic. What I find more common is that people do ask and appeal for help and then complain that the help wasn't what they wanted. This is especially true with alcoholic/addicts who are consciously or subconsciously invested in remaining dysfunctional while also accusing others of not helping them and being against them. They literally can scream "Help me!" and then "Leave me the hell alone!" in the same breath.
I don't think what you wrote was a mess at all. I think it was open and honest, and an opportunity to think through something that is painful. (Which mother wouldn't want a gift on mother's day, and which teen isn't selfish and crazy, at least at times?)
I find that my deepest and most painful feelings and memories come out when I feel safe, secure, and content. Maybe it is my HP saying, "now is a good time to work through this, so you can move forward."
(((hugs)))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Since my own escape from the insanity circus we have remade special days in our own image. I get to say what I want to do for Mother's day, we discuss how we want our Christmas to be, what we want for birthdays and such. I don't think your daughter is too young for some honest conversations about how horrid they were in the past and how you and she can now make them the way you think they should be!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I think your post was beautiful and not a mess at all. It showed how far you have come.
I can relate to the book you mentioned because I am from Africa and have seen how much the 'help' can frustrate all parties involved. I will order it online if I can and take what I can from it. But I do know that constantly getting 'advise and help' thrust onto you can leave you feeling powerless, take away your self esteem and leave you feeling guilty because after all, these people are well meaning.
Your post cracked something deep inside me Mel, which will probably mean a flood of tears later on. Not yet. I'm not strong enough but I'm taking strength from your words. Thank you
I can so relate to remembering all I have been through with kids in tow and lots of it I am not proud of, but I was only able to do better when I learned how to do better and not a moment before. I truly believe I did the best at the time and now that I have learned through al-anon to live differently and have gotten more tools under my belt I am able to. I am so proud to share this walk with you and thank you for coming here with your vulnerability, I very much relate to your share and can glance back and be excited about how far I have come. I keep my focus on the windshield ahead and live in the moment though, as to not let myself stare back too much, it gets to me. I will no longer beat myself up because I am truly moving ahead in leaps and bounds as are you. I just got back from a funeral for one of my hospice patients and the whole time the message just brought home for me was to make the most of the moments right before me and not to worry about the ones past or too far ahead. Life is an adventure and I am really starting to enjoy it! Sending you much love and support Miss M.
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 27th of March 2015 03:01:49 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm not a crying type, but this post got the waterworks going-- I identified on so many levels. I learn a lot from your posts, thank you.
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