How to handle it when you know they're drunk or drank and they swear they're not or didn't? - Al-Anon Family Group

cooper1 · Newbie

How to handle it when you know they're drunk or drank and they swear they're not or didn't?

gabigail · Senior Member

I have been there many times. My spouse would not admit being drunk if it'd kill her! She even went so far back as to hide it after I called her out. She said she dumped out a bottle of gin in the sink only to have a back up one hidden. It is so frustrating!

I know when I went to Alanon I went to a literature meeting and there was something mentioned in the One Day At a Time book (I wish I had it with me, so I could refer to it) talking about being a doormat vs. sticking to my guns. It is so hard, because I have a tendency to waver on my boundaries because I want to keep us together. It's such a delicate balance. My trouble is I'm not sure really if she doesn't stop drinking frankly. So when is a good time to discuss it? Definitely not when they've been drinking. I so understand, and I know what you mean when they have been drinking- that mood change was so obvious to me. With my situation, it changes depending on what she drinks. So I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. I'd be curious to find out what others think a good solution is to this problem. I don't know if I gave any good advice, but just know you are not alone. What you wrote sounds so much like my conversations. Peace to you during this hard time.

Inrecovery · Member

Hi, so sorry you're going through this. It's hard to know what to do in these situations. I too, went through that same scenario many times. After coming to alanon I learned to not ask my Ah weather he's been drinking or not, when I already knew the answer. Rather than asking , when I already know, I don't give him an opportunity to lie. I learned to state to him what I know to be true in a nice way. "I say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean." I learned to, that by asking, when I already know, I

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cooper, what you describe is very similar to many experiences that I have had. By accepting that alcoholism is a disease over which I was powerless, I learned not to ask questions that I knew the answers to. In other words, if I suspected my partner was drinking because of the telltale signs, I did not ask are you drinking? Because I knew the answer. Fighting and arguing does not solve any problems and in fact diverts attention from the actual issue of alcoholism.

I decided that my serenity and peace of mind were much more important than surrendering to the adrenaline high of an argument that solved nothing. I learned how to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, accept that alcoholism was a disease over which I was powerless, and to stop arguing, justifying, defending or engaging with the disease.

Setting appropriate boundaries in the relationship is important. I understood that the boundary must be set up to protect me and not to control another's behavior.

Remembering that I was dealing with the disease, enabled me to detach, using the serenity prayer, the slogans, live and let live, keep the focus on yourself, how important is it all helped to keep me sane.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I imagine we've all been there.

The thing is that we can't make them be honest. We can only do one side of being honest - our side. Basically what you're asking is "How can I make my A be honest?" You can't. If we could stop the lying and addictive behavior, we would have found a way by now, and there wouldn't be any of it in the world.

So how do we react? I always used to say, "I have no real way of knowing whether you've been drinking or not. But to me, it sure looks like you're behaving as if you have. Therefore I'm going to [whatever I'd decided I would do if he drank - ask him to leave, or cancel my plans to go out with him, or whatever." At first he would argue. "I haven't been drinking! You're just paranoid! You need some help with that paranoia of yours!" I'd say, "It's not worth arguing about. I feel the way I feel. I'm not going to be around you whether you've been drinking or whether you're merely acting like you've been drinking." Eventually he'd just roll his eyes and stomp away like I was crazy.

The thing is, after some experience we become pretty finely attuned to the signs. I'm sure that every time I thought my A was drinking, he was. And turns out some of the time I thought he wasn't, he was then too. I'd find the bottles and the DUIs and all that that proved it.

But it looks to me as if your bigger question is: what is Plan B? If he doesn't display the honesty that you need for the relationship, and accepting that you can't force him to be honest - what decisions and plans do you make then? As the Al-Anon saying goes, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?"

Hugs.

Inrecovery · Member

I learned to, that by asking when I already know, I get more insane, because I try to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, he's not, but deep down I KNOW he is! So then....I'm confused and in turn it drives me insane! I'll be praying for you. Keep on, keeping on. Go to f2f mtgs...keep posting...take care of yourself.... ((Hugs))

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I usually say something like "We seem to be in 2 very different states of mind right now so I'm going to go and maybe we can talk later when we are more in tune with each other". And then actually go, cheerfully, and leave him to be drunk or not drunk or whatever. No argument or accusations, just a statement of fact, and I'm sure the next day he would be very well aware of why I hadn't wanted to speak with him.
I practiced reframing everything so that it wasn't about him but about what I did or didn't want so instead of "you are being an ass" or "you are clearly drunk" I would say "I'm not really enjoying this time together, lets do it another time". If it's about you then there's not really anything to argue about.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 14th of March 2015 11:54:10 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Why do you feel the need to be right? Taking it above everything else to prove your right. I did this too, inspector of alcohol, that was me, like inspector gadget, searching for booze everywhere, listening with ears and nose like a dog, i just knew he was drinking every time, my senses on high alert. I couldnt pretend then and i dont pretend now. My behaviour, my search for the big truth hid the important truth. I was insane, my intense desire to find him out, get a confession, be right and prove im not mad. Well, that, all of that drove me mad.

What if your choices are be right or be hapoy? What would you choose? Before alanon i chose being right every time and it equaled frustration, ange, rage, arguments, resentment. Now, whats the point? Alcoholics are going to do whatever they want regardless so i should do what i want to do regardless. The scenario you describe shortens your life expectancy, its like groundhog day without the improvements. Alanon gave me back my sanity. Im interested in me, my quality of life, giving myself a good day regardless if the alcoholics are drinking or not.lifes too short, i spent 20years living in that scenario you explained brilliantly. I will not waste another second in it.

tortuga · Senior Member

acknowledge - accept- detach
which means I don't even ask the question.I understand what I need to understand, am polite and say I will call later. back to my own beautiful selfthe day is long, I have other things to do. This is not my problem, this is his. let him deal with it.

Kerrymom · Senior Member

Oh been there so many times!! I have finally stopped asking and assume he is and also have stopped believing he can be honest or trusted to not drink. It is hard and I'm sorry your going thru it too!

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

So hard to deal with this situation!
I have been there many, many times with my wife. Thing is, I honestly never know if she has been drinking or if she took her panic attack meds. (Or, maybe she is just drinking and sometimes claiming her actions are caused by the meds. I don't really know.) She is an expert at pretending to be sober and acting as if nothing is wrong for 15-20 minutes.
And she is great about changing her behavior when I ask if she has been drinking to manipulate me into thinking I am being paranoid.
Now, I also don't even ask. I know when she is acting as if she is under the influence of something. I don't need her to admit to it for me to know what is going on.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

No fighting anymore..... Like with my son. " You have been drinking so I'm going to hang up now....and I did" No need to fight, convince or be right...they know so take care of you and what you want.

cooper1 · Newbie

Wow. Thank you everyone, I am amazed at how many of you took the time to speak your heart, wisdom and experiences and I appreciate it more than you know.

I have learned:

A) I am not crazy, you all telling me how this happens a lot and has happened to all of you left me feeling oh so not alone, it's sad, but thank you!
B) I know now that this is normal A behavior, I did not know this before as except for my f2f group I don't know any other situations like mine
C) I learned DO NOT ASK. Okay, do not ask. If I know, or suspect, I need to disconnect, or hang up, but as you all said, nicely. I will work on what to say

A couple of you wrote some very deep and important and HARD things.... one was "How can I make my A be honest?" well, I guess I know I can't, I was just hoping they would. Okay, so I can't. I hate that, it feels like admitting defeat, but you are right, I can't. Can not. the end. Well that stinks, but....

The hardest thing someone wrote was "Why do you need to be right?" Wowee, that was a hard, tough question but you know, I sure do appreciate the person who wrote it because it was something that forced me to look at myself.... like a challenge. Why do I need to be right? Well, I guess in my fantasy world so I can say AHA! I KNEW IT! Then I could pack my luggage and go happily on to some other life.... instead of this circle. It makes me sad that I had to face that I have this fantasy. I have tried to leave my AH before, but... you get comfortable with someone, and it sure does get harder when you get on in years, plus I don't want to give up on him. I haven't been able to separate the man I love from the package he comes with. Love one side of him, hate the other. I have to ask myself, if this is a disease, am I willing to live this way? A roller coaster is the most perfect way I heard it described.

The only thing that has kept me here is the fact that he made promises to quit and said he didn't want to be that way or drink no more. Like, he's frustrated with himself. It hasn't gone on our whole marriage, just recently like 6 years... finally AA started about a year ago, and he did seem to want help like we went to our church and counseling and stuff. This gave me hope as before it was just words not actions... but now it's actions and words, but, I know still using stuff (I never know what). I went to an AA meeting once just to see, and one person was stark raving drunk there so I guess it is common? Nobody even said anything...

I really liked what one person said about "we are not on the same wave length right now so maybe we can talk later"... that was nice...

Okay, so, Don't ask, BUT, make a decision on what 'I" am going to do.... well, I said I would leave, but I done that bout 7 times.... I love the man, I hate the disease more than I think I hated anything in my whole life.

Maybe I can put a time limit on how long I will wait for those "actions" to happen? Oh, but I already did that.... shoot.

I sure am grateful to you people, clearly I am getting some pieces of clues from all your feed back, it's like a puzzle and everything you all say helps put more and more pieces in so I can see the picture. I never knew anyone who drank, so, I haven't any experience with it. I am going to keep listening because everything you all say makes a world of sense, but I need more puzzle pieces before I can make my own picture.

God bless you all cause I don't know how you do it... I know why we do it, someone we love is sick, but it makes us sick, what a terrible situation. God bless us all and I will keep listening, I am more grateful to you all than know and this responses brought tears to my eyes.... thank you from my heart.

Bloodshotbetty · Veteran Member

I am learning to walk away. If I know he is drunk, why do I need to her him say it? He is saying it with his actions. Now when he is drunk, I walk away. I go into another room and listen to an al-anon speaker on you tube. Or read something from one of my books. Or journal.

It is so hard- the agony of second guessing yourself...well wait, maybe he isn't. Maybe he IS telling the truth! But in your gut...you know. For me, I just don't WANT it to be true.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Incredible way you took feedback amd made use of it. This is a great example of how it works. For me, not streesing too hard is important. An alcoholic can never hide a relapse for long. Real recovery via going to meeting, working with a sponsor, and talking genuine recovery talk...THAT is obvious. So...what I have found is that it's not always crystal clear when they are drinking but it becomes crystal clear eventually. And it is also obvious when they are not working a real program. Knowing this, you can drop the detective work which is only taxing to you and steals your serenity. Trust your HP. You will know whatever you need to know when the time is right.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 15th of March 2015 12:46:27 PM

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep attending your Alanon ftf mtgs as many as you can.
I only go to one a week, i could stand one a night if i had
Time and they were available.

The stronger you get the better off you will be in the long
Run. No matter what happens in your marriage. I see the
wisdom now of Not making any changes till you have been
Attending alanon for 6-12 months. It all takes time to sink
In and for us to be willing to change and grow and stop
Worrying about the alcoholic but focus on us and our own
Healing!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

It's a whole lot easier to set boundaries than giving the ultimate threats all the time. They won't believe you after a while. I did it so much my son would just blow me off. I had to make the decision to stay quite until I was completely ready to say what I mean, mean what I said and follow through.

I started small and move forward when I was ready...until then boundaries were my best friend.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say keep going to F2F meetings, you will become more and more confident in this.

I'm afraid that while my wife was active I participated in a lot of the baiting and fighting you are talking about, it drove both of us crazy. Once she got into recovery, every once in awhile my radar still goes off. I'm pretty sure she hasn't drank, but she sure sounds like it, that gut feeling you mentioned kicks in. And, for all I know, she could have been drinking!

So, when that happens now, I let that feeling flow over me and then calm down. Then i say something like "you know, I don't know if you've been drinking, but you sure sound like it to me. You have that exact same tone of voice you used to have when you were drinking. Whether you are drinking or not isn't my business, and you certainly aren't making me angry, but I thought you would want to know". Generally, she will ask me a couple of questions trying to find out how it is I think she has been drinking, and sometimes she gets scared and calls her sponsor to make sure she isn't second-guessing herself. But she is generally appreciative of me saying this and, once I have it out on the table, I don't hold it inside and start getting upset and slowly travel down the road to freak-out-ville.

It just takes time, and it appears you are a fast learner. Keep coming back here and going to F2F meetings!

Kenny

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

personally I hate being lied to. The pearler given here of why do I need to be right is one I'm taking. At times like that I've needed to be right because id invested trust hope and will in something. Will is such a huge part of this program to me. The more I hand it over, the easier it gets to detach. Self care too, I'm less likely to spin out when I've had enough sleep, fresh air, water, food and social contact. Basically when the succubi are not the sun around which I orbit, but another planet in the galaxy.I do also recall from my drinking days stopping off for lunch once at a downtown Auckland pub and drinking lots of cold beer over the space of three hours before making my way to then boyfriends house and lying because I felt pressured. He was angry I'd had a drink, I was baffled as I wasn't drunk, so even though we both knew I was lying, I still said one ir two. In hindsight, it might have been better if he'd. Bought it up later, not instantly. Being a double though, I know how it itches when you're waiting a d expecting.

cooper1 · Newbie

You all have so many wonderful things to say. I am learning so much.

I announced to hubby that I would not ask anymore but I would just say "You and I seem to be on a different wavelength right now, so I'll talk to you later" if I thought he was using. I told him I simply did not enjoy his company when he was under the influence and the arguing destroy's my peace of mind. He said "Great!" I got angry because I thought he felt off the hook of me not hassling him anymore, so I had to throw in my childish jab and say "you and I will both know why I won't be speaking to you..." oh well, I still got the job done, practice not perfection?

All of this amazing wisdom is allowing me to detach. I have been in alanon about one year. I only just found out his drinking had nothing to do with me. Duh. I also know it will exist whether he is married, single, living in North Carolina or Timbuktu. (so much for him saying "it's this place, I need to move..")

It's like a horrible little ball of yuck that will be there no matter what. The best he can hope for is long periods of sobriety. It is a chronic, relapsing disease. There is no cure.

I know now, that all the dumb things I said, all the crying, screaming, bargaining and pleading amounted to the equal of someone saying: "If I quit my job will you stop having cancer? How about if we move, will your cancer go away then? Alright, what about if you have cancer only on Friday night, then not the rest of the week? If you loved me you wouldn't have cancer!, etc. "

Forgive me folks for those who suffer from or have lost loved ones to cancer, I could have said diabetes or depression or anything, I were just trying to show the insanity of thinking we all had anything to do with, or any control over this thing inside our loved ones body and mind. No offense I promise.

I love how one member wrote how getting enough sleep, fresh air, good food and water are so important, because we all know the A's drama never ends it's like trying to put out a fire that will never go out. I had to laugh out loud when they wrote the succubi being the sun around which I orbit because I thought I were the only one who did that...

So what I have done positive:
-No more arguing about did you drink or not, you are lying, etc. why waste my time? like you all said, I'm too sick and tired believe me
-I don't talk to my A at night anymore, that is MY time, I like to eat my snacks and watch a movie plus I don't get worked up crying until 2 or 6 am!!
-I begun doing things I like, I joined a exercise class and am thinking about my own future, I learned to push the pause button on my A instead of waiting around like a hound dog for the next word or tears or crisis or news and all clutching at my phone for the next catastrophic phone call or what have you.
-I don't run home and call my A first if I got stuff to do! Like if I'm hungry or got to do chores! I do MY stuff first, THEN call my A when I'm relaxed.
-I catch myself more and more when I am interfering and not letting God control his life, and stop myself. I remember being told that he can't learn if he don't make no mistakes so as painful as it is I clench my teeth and let him make those mistakes! Lord that's hard.

Not bad so far. Long way to go. I am lucky that he works on site in the big city 2 hours away so I got the separation space I need. I don't know how you all do it who live with your A hubby's but... I pray for you and all of us. God Bless and thank you : )

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great update Cooper Good work!!

Keep on keeping on. :)

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Great work! practice, practice, practice. It gets easier and better every time.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Hi Cooper1 - Just wanted to tell you that I totally relate and empathize with your predicament. It seems like a lose-lose and we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. You are not alone. Sending good thoughts. xo

LedfootJenny · Senior Member

something that helped me is to remember that if my AH is actively using the following "joke" applies: "how do you know your addict is lying???" "His lips are moving!"

the JADE acronym has also been very helpful. If "caught" often they will exercise the J: justifying (I just got home from work, what are you talking about?)I'm not slurring! A: angry (How can you accuse me of this when the schedule is behind and it wasn't my fault and I'm so tired and I work so hard! You've got a lot of NERVE) D: defensive (see previous) and E: explain OR engage ( well I'm hungry and all that's happening here is I've got to eat!).

The good news here is you don't have to E: engage in this cycle of insanity. You can step back and detach and work on your tools and your own wellness. It isn't easy, but like anything - with practice and support you CAN rise above it and find your own serenity and peace.

Hugs to you!

cooper1 · Newbie

J.A.D.E., that is brilliant. That is exactly what has been happening. Very smart lady leftfootjenny thank you for that.

I found out last night he weren't just drinking like usual, scotch, but, when he came home for the weekend to get some clothes and supplies, I noticed his back pills were empty, he always throws his pack on the floor so I can do the washing, They are supposed to last him 30 days, but his renew time weren't for 2 more weeks...this have happened before but he said he gave them to his buddy on the site cause he hurt his foot, and once he lost them. I actually thought lately he switched booze cause it didn't sound like scotch... well, he said his back were hurting more than usual and he had to take extra... I know pretty good when he's lying... I got a bad feeling that he been taking those pills and maybe drinking too... I know that can be deadly cause everyone knows that, right? I know they are pain pills, ... I figured it out and now it sounds sick but I wish it was just booze, now back pills? I know you can die from that... my life just got sicker, if you all think you can't argue with a drunk, try arguing with a drunk about pills!

I have been applying what I learned, I weren't prepared for the feelings.... the horrible premonitions (thank God for spell check!) ...

Okay, so I drew my lines, no asking, no discussin. BUT, then came the "feelings".... I know most of you all can relate to this:

I am home, AH is back at job site trailer... averting were fine, I had the feeling he was doing good again, so I felt good, plus being proud of myself for my peaceful nights instead of arguing... then the other night he didn't call me the night before or the next day on his lunch hour, I messaged his phone and he said he was just busy and he would call me later... my stomach felt squirrly right away, well, later came and he never did call, so, I called him... he sounded, sleepy?. He said he could not talk because he had to drive the backhauler to the warehouse... He seemed irritated?, said again, he would call later, he didn't. I messaged him later, he said he had to eat and all this mess, I remind him of his promise to call, he wrote back angry that he just got done eating! Like I were a nuisance? or something... not good signs in my life usually... so I called, MISTAKE, he sounded so dull, I try to keep my own promise and asked some gentle questions, but I knew right straight away.... you know he said what a long day, on and on... I said I had to go.. and I felt like I were gonna go lose my lunch, excuse me. Okay, so I did' task, but I knew, and now I know he is on pills maybe with booze. I had to go in my room cause I didn't want my girls to see me upset, or think something was wrong with daddy, so I sat on my bed like a zombie thinking, my hubby is on pills, my hubby might not wake up, my hubby may not call me tomorrow and the state police will come to my house and say like on the movies "ma'am we need you to sit down..." ..

Okay, so I did not ask and I did not fight, BUT I knew before all get out when it happened it were like an electric jolt in my body and I got real worried and sad and lost my appetite. I knew from all this way even thogh he were at work... but now, it's pills, at least booze can kill you slowly but I guessed I watched too much tv about pills and booze and I believe it's true. It say right on the bottle "alcohol may intense this effect" right?

SO

Now I know how to deal with the fjigthing part. But no one ever told me what do with them feelings, those nights when all us wives sit home wringing our hands cause we know in our bones something aint right... and we know what it is... and of course they're lying, where in heaven do we put them feelings and that worry? Alanon says US focus on US, ME, well, my mind leaves me at these times and I simply don't know how to do that. My hubby might not wake up or get crippled operation machinery but I am supposed to say "Alright! I am not messing around with that silly worry I am going to take a bubble bath and eat a whole bag of tootsie rolls then watch my favorite stories and get the best night sleep ever!" Lord... I do no know how to do that one yet....

How is it possible to enjoy our life, or our kids lives or even be there in mind and body when our brain is feeling like, well, if a runaway train could be in shock I guess it would be like that.... I did not tell anyone but you all about the back pills because you all probably know I feel ashamed and if I should or not, I do.

I also heard ladies say we can't let our happiness be on somebody else... well, isn't it kind of hard to be happy when you're family is suffering and my family might not have a husband or daddy anymore? No there in't nothing I can do about it, but grace my pastor is always speaking of and the gratefulness drains out of me... How is it possible for me to have a heart in my chest and be happy when my hubby might die and there is trouble he do not even talk about, you know they never talk about it...

Well. How to get serenity when the AH in our life is killing themself. Respect their choice, well, jail is different from death.Pills is different from booze. a lousy life and having them there is different from never seeing them again. I almost feel paralyzed. I know god forgive not all drunks make it, but I don't know any family that wants that story...

Thank you all for hearing me talk and giving me a place to do that, I know I got to take care of my kids, they don't know really. Mommy got to put on the face, all you ladies know that. But inside, we feel like we're dying don't we? Alanon supposed to help with that so I guess that's why I'm here.

Thank you all for giving me a place to speak my worries and thank you and god bless you all. I get all kind of wisdom from you all, I hope my writing does the same for you. God bless.

I did notice that when I talk about God he gets less mad. I try and remind him what our pastor said and tell him about how God loves him and he seems to hear that, more than a nagging wife, for what it's worth, maybe it's kinder. I know maybe a nagging wife can't bring him back to God, so even though it might be a trick? I don't care how he gets back to god as long as he does! Maybe he can respect his words our our church better... I am learning a lot about "let go and let god" I just hope God don't want to take him soon but I guess if he did, well, I cannot go there tonight. so again god bless you all and thank you I pray for all you people too.

LedfootJenny · Senior Member

Cooper - You're doing well. Hugs to you! I love that you're taking you're evenings back, and your "my" time, not running home at the first insinuation of hunger or some other need / demand. Good self care!

Also, your share reminded me of a light bulb moment in my own marriage. It dawned on me one day, after years of "I'm not the same man, I won't ever do __________ again, it wasn't like that actually let me E:explain" on and on the roller coaster went....

I simply decided to step off. Really, just like that. I made a decision - and told him that all I would respond to from this moment on were VERBS. No more talk, wind, blowing smoke, etc. I wanted to SEE ACTION. If that wasn't there, than there was no real improvement despite the story he was telling himself and me too... and Lord, can that man write a NOVEL in his own mind without ever taking one step out into action.

So, keep working the program. Turn your energy towards you and your children, and detach in a healthy and loving way while God works on him.

It works if you work it.

:)

Jenny

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

on those nights when I feel powerless, over anything, the mother in another country, the husband who lives above a pub, my son with severe autism, I pray. I always hate to do it before I start. I feel.....vulnerable, self conscious, embarrassed. That goes away pretty quickly. When I couldn't do that, I used to write it down and put it in my angel box. I've thought alot about marriage and come to rest in the very old tradition of what it is. A trinity. Two human souls and their creator. It is every married persons right and comfort to beseech the creator when the third is deaf, blind, or mute. We may not always get what we want but we are never alone. Hugs Cooper, and to the babies as well. Xo Edna.

Mich · Veteran Member

My AH also works/worked away and I dreaded the phone calls because more often than not I could hear that he'd been drinking and in the beginning I did ask him and it did escalate into a fight. He had very much the same excuses:
I'm tired, my throat is dry because I've had no water, I'm getting flu. Oh I had them all and I KNEW! Of course I did, but I second guessed myself. I was also try to ferret out the truth because it was so important that I was able to trust him.

After a while I asked him to phone me before 7pm so that at least he'd be sober. That didn't help because he'd sometimes already be bombed or not phone at all... Those lies were quite inventive: I had no signal, It's left my phone at so and so's house, my battery charger didn't work, there was no electricity etc etc. again, I knew he was lying but why argue. When I stopped arguing and telling him I knew it was lies, he assumed I'd fallen for his nonsense and believed him. In fact, I just lost respect.

Its a desperate feeling trying to get past the stage of the lies and trying to make it work but I don't think we can change their behavior. They become masters at it. It's a dangerous game and one I certainly wasn't able to win. It was exhausting, depressing and I was tired of that sick feeling in my stomach. I also have children and they need me to be a whole person, not half of a broken relationship.

I truly hope that your husband pulls himself together and gets help. I wish you all the strength

Nannynoo · Member

This thread is very helpful to me and my situation with my DD

You know what you know and drunk is drunk , no need to discuss it really

Just about re-establishing the boundaries ( Am telling MYSELF this ) and going back to YOUR place / state of peace

Am hoping mine happens pretty quickly this time , have had a let down , but will recover from it myself , get on with MY life and MY focus which is myself and my GS and simply move on from it and leave my DD to her life

It's not easy but I don't want this sudden shock I've had to get me down

It is too premature for me to hope for a good reconciliation with my DD

That is what this latest interaction has taught me , it is way too early and there is a LONG ROAD ahead and I have to do MY bit along the way which right now is to detach again and keep myself well

It is a good 'reminder' for me and even though it hurts that the hope I had was FALSE hope I will get through the hurt and function well again and THAT is what matters ie my recovery from it all aww xx

I do feel bad that I was sucked in again , but it happens x

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Walk away. It took me a very long time to do that but it is the best way.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.