oh vey! UR telling my story... ...

ok, so the answer is simple.... righteousness!

 

Let go and let GO...[D]

your will not mine!

Keeping this one simple works for me... talking it through... yes... gr8 topic... 

 

no there yet either... ...studied Martin Buber and the whole Hasidic tradition- as back as far as I could...

considering I had no sense of self, and a really awful identity... ego and self are a bit of a priority...

maybe its just better to go with self-righteousness and find the humility along the way...? ?????...

I just keep reading about forgiveness and praying.... it is just a yucky feeling (really it boils down to being hurt)......so of course I think like most I am trying to avoid it. It hurts to be the target of someone's anger. I can set boundaries through the ying-yang but I cannot change that I am the target. I think I am learning to accept that. I won't allow it as best as I can and follow through on any consequence. I just need to go through being hurt ..... move through it.....let go

It is coming from a place of self-defense but I don't want to become that person. I can tell when my assertiveness is moving to self-righteous idignation I blew up in the last e-mails so disappointed in myself a little as well.

Truth I believe that the fourth through ninth step will help in this situation. I know I held a lot of anger, resentment and self-pity deep within that would explode outward when I had reached my limit.

Delving deep, sharing my pain and anger with another and finally being willing to let HP lift whatever defect was holding me hostage worked.

It might've been self-righteousness, pride, ego, unrealistic expectations, I let HP choose which ones they were and eliminate them.

You are doing very well and your recovery is blossoming. I'm glad you're here

Truth the less said the better with your ah. I still keep my
Dignity most of the time. I act with good intentions and thoughts
His response back is usually resentments. I can not stop that.

We generally only text, write in notebook or now email.
Hardly ever voice contact that does not go well if he has a
Snarky voice on. That hurts too much!

Often times if i email he does not repond,even to a text.
Curtesy and decency are not in his understanding toward
Me anymore. The almost ex and gf status i guess.

I try hard too so dont beat yourself up. They are who they
Are. I have a lot to say to that man but leave most unsaid
It does no good at this point.

Truth i so understand where you are coming from.
My ah and i go at it occassionly. Any need of contact
Is too much contact. We lasted 10 minutes in the
Same room during financial mediation. I was fine
He was not his lawyer got him out.

The fires are burning hot under both of us. My dry ah
Is not enjoying his consequences and is full of anger
And resentments. I am full of anger and rage toward
Him and his bad treatment of me. So i guess we are
At a stalemate. I live in the house for now thats another
big Resentment.

My ah likes to hurt me if he can. It makes him feel better
about himself and what he is doing and how he is acting.
I do not know this man who is he? My ah is in high addict
Mode even though he is dry. It is tough to deal with him.
I can not help or change him only he can.

I sound rational and sane but i am not where it concerns
My husband so much emotional baggage to wade thru.
I hope to one day find peace and serenity.

I got it I got angry and then I became self-righteous to get my way. I have had the same boundary for a year and he has been picking and picking at the boundary and this time I blew up to get my way. That is why I feel bad.

No I am not alone... I knew I had to get to my part in this one as I could not shake that my motive was not good. I knew as soon as a I had the would you get off my back feeling that my motive needed to checked.

 

 

 

Great post and a reminder for me of how I was re-raised in Al-Anon.   LOL  what a trip!!    When I learned and accepted that I was going to have to give up and get rid of my ways of acting and reacting and do what others were doing in recovery I became the willing student.  I didn't have much more to loose and hanging around others who were having successes in recovery I really wanted that and took on a different way of living.  I gave up control and I started doing what others in the program were doing.  My sponsor taught me about contact with my alcoholic/addict which I was doing so badly at.  He reminded me that the phone had an "off button" and to use it early or suffer the consequence.  Just thinking of the consequence of the past helped tons.  Depending on what I could expect from what I got in the past helped a ton too.  When I practiced the expectation that I was dealing with an alcoholic/addict within the disease I could set myself up to how I decided to face the disease and the person...I called the shots from then on my thoughts, feelings and behaviors.   I had program and program was best.   When I found myself angry I acknowledged that I was weakening and would excuse myself without blame or shame from the participation.   I stopped playing the game and alcoholism is so often a game of insanity.   I learned to hate the insanity and to back out of the game whether it came to winning or losing...I didn't care I stopped.

Self righteousness I learned wasn't a sin.  There is and are ways to be positively self righteous.  I get to protect my own ass as my sponsor told me was my job to do and so when I came to believe that a solution was right for me whether the alcoholic/addict agreed or not I went with what I believed.  If I had to check it out with my sponsor or someone else in the program and learned I might or could alter that thought, feeling or behavior a bit I did that and then was left with the choice of change or not.

I don't alter my program because "if or might".   We are not perfection...we are about progress.  I do progress as best I can.

I learned that my greatest emotional characteristic was fear and because of that I was always clumsy in early recovery...second guessing what was the right or best thing to do when the program was just asking me to do it differently...different than what I use to do that didn't work and before I was learning from others.

Today I stick with the program and I don't sell it cheap or give it away.  That isn't self righteous that is being "true to myself", "practicing the principles", "working it because it works when I do".    Judging my self poorly as I use to do the alcoholic/addict is not acceptable.    (((((hugs)))))

Anger is not wrong ... I get that... It is what helps us be assertive and set boundaries....self-righteous anger to me is when it morphs and you are using it to control. I usually have good motives but honestly I didn't do good this time. I wanted to win.

This is my experience and my experience only... Wanting to win at the expense of the other person dignity is not a good motive and it damages relationships. Even though, he was crossing my boundaries. I am very cognitive that in order to keep my side of the street clean that I cannot cross boundaries back. Quite frankly.. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life doing that. It physically made me ill.

What a beautiful name Truth & an Awesome thread .. I will forever have to work on 'my' self righteousness .. also had to really learn to stop Needing to be "Right" all the time .. ,had grown up with so many Right and Wrongs that if someone else was Right that Automatically made "Me wrong .. it always made me form an attitude, attitude being just words we tell ourselves or others .. still working on the trade off exchange replacing yep My Righteous attitude with Gods Righteous Truth.

When it comes to another knowing how to push my buttons .. I was stumped by that a long time Until I finally recognized .. the other knows how to push my buttons because the other I loved was someone I couldn't always trust .. I told this person Everything there was to know about me in every moment of his sobriety (niceness) .. I was an open book (even my pet peeves a.k.a. how to push my buttons .. sigh sigh) .. I was so hurt and yet ? I kept handing out weapons more or less at the door until I began anyway to learn it is much better (safer) to share my inner most with recovery people in meetings rather than those I love but can't 'always trust .. spoze trust is like a pie .. some things ok to share just not all .. what makes me sad is up until This very moment ( I was still wondering why then my family (parents) siblings too Always knew how to push my buttons ) geeze Louise seeing Right this minute .. because in moments of sobriety (niceness) I told them everything there was to know about me .. for the first time I see the control as far back as I can remember (how it works) ... for that matter anyone who knows how to push my buttons must have most undoubtedly 'learned by me' ..

no there yet either... ...studied Martin Buber and the whole Hasidic tradition- as back as far as I could...

considering I had no sense of self, and a really awful identity... ego and self are a bit of a priority...

maybe its just better to go with self-righteousness and find the humility along the way...? ?????...

David I relate to this too .. I never thought either to go 'with any of my problems and find humility along the way .. I fought and still fight Everything .. humility ? willingness to learn ? to be teachable ? to bend ? .. let go and let the good ? what I love about recovery is there are no guessing games .. we hear when we hear but there is no guessing in the ''dark'' we bring things out into the ''light'' where not only we heal but others do too .. what I'm really seeing tonight is this is ''how'' we grow trust .. many thanks for helping to shed some light in this area for me too ..

When I am resentful I loose the open mindedness of all the other beauty around me plus I self talk and dramatize which just plainly sucks and is unnecessary. "that is exactly what has been going on with me Jerry .. Words within the Word .. Ty ..

Your correct ... I did teach him however I cannot take it back now lol That is why I need no contact. I need to accept where he is at and I am beyond done my limit.

You are singing my song and for me it was my ego and control playing me. I did eventually learn to let go of him completely and now when he texts or calls drunk I really do not take it personally or feel the need to argue, explain or defend myself. We have kids together and I have accepted that I will have to have a good program of detachment in place for the benefit of our children, but I don't have to have a close personal relationship with him nor let him in my bubble of serenity ever again. My boundaries are firmly in place and I no longer let him trigger me, unfortunately he still tries and will use our children and finances to do it, but I have learned to stop playing the game. Less communication is better for me so his ramblings sometimes go unanswered and he slowly stops sending them. I know how to reach him at work during his sober moments when it is necessary and sometimes a quick direct phone call saying what I mean, meaning what I say, without saying it mean serves a great purpose. Short and to the point conversation and I do not get derailed, I used to only text but after a couple years he got the message and keeps the conversation clean. Sending you love and support on your journey!

great add on thanks Debb .. needed that additional insight ..

yep I realized I had taught him how to treat me too then wondered what to do after .. as in alanon we need to relearn how to treat ourselves .. with our new learning we can reteach others too .. Step 2 is all about hope because it is all about what Higher Power can do .. grateful for the alanon reminder for no life changing decisions until preferably after step 5 .. with sponsor .. seeing the steps change us .. we don't need to force solutions; they come .. the answer is getting to meetings and sharing such as we do in here .. great shares

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 4th of March 2015 05:44:55 PM

Truth;

There have been several times that I have done what you described--let the AH push some buttons and then lt it fly.  I don't know if this will help but for me it's helped me a lot to remember when the button pushing is happening that's the disease doing the talking, and I don't need to participate in that.  It helps me stay removed, but also reminds me this is a sickness at work, so there's no self righteousness either.

(((Truth)))

Mary

 

 

 

I've got lots of tools and always have had lots of tools.   My sponsor asked me once "Do you have a pair of wire clippers"  to which I replied "yes".  "Imagine then when  your alcoholic/addict or someone else is pushing your buttons, clipping the wires to those buttons and preventing it from happening".   I get the picture and still have the wire clippers.  Don't get my buttons pushed much anymore.   ((((hugs))))

I guess I could explain the reason why it got me into trouble was because I tried that approach and then it was like removing the choice to abuse out of his things to be responsible for. I still struggle with that one because at the domestic shelter they are teaching me abusing people is a choice and they are well aware of what they are doing.