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Hope you all had a great weekend. Saturday something happened and I think I may be getting this whole detachment thing.
We were going to play some board games and AH got frustrated with something I don't even remember what, and he yelled and called me his favorite B word.
I just put my stuff related to the game down and said
"calling me names is not acceptable, gaming is over for the night" and I gathered my stuff and went upstairs.
He ranted and raved a bit but I ignored him and he did not come after me.
Sadly I needed help with the TV in the bedroom and I went downstairs and acted like NOTHING had happened and asked him if he could help me.
He said yes. He came up and helped me fix it then he left and i stayed upstairs.
he came to bed at a reasonable hour and all was fine
the next day we were fine and we played the game he got mad at and a few others and had a lovely snowed in day together.
In the past I would have ignored him and waited for him to react and respond and apologize. IT would have dragged out all weekend or at least into the next day
this worked much better.
did i do it right?
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Sounds as if you detached with love, ladybug. Good work. Not only were you able to maintain your serenity but you were able to play the game in a sane environment the following day.
You said what you meant you meant what you said and you didn't say it mean that is detachment in action.
Please remember that in this program we aim for progress not perfection. Keep on keeping on you are doing great
Thank you of sharing this, for me it sounds like very good detachment and also a good exercise in maintaining your boundaries. How did it feel for you? Did you find that you felt calmer as a result of your choices?
How did I feel... GOOD question. WHEN it was happening I felt weird... like i was disrespecting his rant. but I am so sick and tired of it.
when i realized i was going to need to ask for help I was thinking... well what would I have done before? and I would have SUFFERED without the TV till he discovered it. Well that was not a good choice.
So i thought to myself... "if this "detach with loving" works that means I am not owed an apology nor am I mad so let's test this and see. The worst thing he can do is say no. He's already yelled and I am NOT going to back to him as I already set my boundary so even if he asks the answer is NO (as a consequence of his behavior NOT because I was mad)
This was about my boundary.
after he fixed the tv and went away NOT mad, it felt good. I slept well that night. Normally I toss and turn after a blow up.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I'm not sure if I would say you weren't owed an apology. The question is whether it was reasonable to expect one, and it sounds like his emotional immaturity is bad enough that it isn't.
I'm not sure I could live longterm with that amount of volatility and verbal abuse. But for the short term, you put "Don't React" into action and saved yourself a miserable night - that is wonderful.
Wonderful progress! And, he seems to have responded well, even without the apology.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Wonderful boundary and detachment ;) it also sounds like you both took some time apart and let it go relatively quick and enjoyed each others company again :)
Awesome recovery work :)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
WOW!! YAY!! YES!! GREAT...GOOD JOB!! remember the process and how you did it...you'll never know when you'll get another chance with that whether with him or someone else. I'm grateful for my alcoholic/addict because of all I learned here and in the program. Just a suggestion? do an inventory of the event and see if there might be residual thoughts, feelings and actions stuck to the Velcro. In support. (((((hugs))))) WOW
Thank u for posting laydybug... ur thought process in the moment while it was happening is what I'm trying to working towards myself...thanks for sharing!
