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Post Info TOPIC: so depressed with the UPS & DOWNS of my dysfunctional marriage!!


Member

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so depressed with the UPS & DOWNS of my dysfunctional marriage!!


yawn i can't get out of my own way. my AH & I just started to "date" after 6 months of separation. all was going pretty well until last night. we were out to dinner at a restaurant that we used go to a lot when he was drinking. i didn't know it was hard being there for him and he didn't tell me. when i ordered my second glass of wine it bothered him BUT he didn't tell me until we got home and he was angry. he has said in the past that I soudl have a drink or whatver because he will be ok with that.

I had trigger too...there was a couple there who were related to the woman my AH had an affair with! I thought I was ok but probably not, maybe that's why I ordered the second glass. when we "shared" feelings that led to our typical argument. I'm still struggling with trust issues and he can't tolerate when I bring up the past.

he said that he read in Alanon literature that I should not bring up his past bad behaviors. i dont ever recall reading that?! I'm not intending to hurt him I'm just being honest. i thought we should be honest as we try to build trust...?!

it got ugly, he stormed out. today he is giving me the silent treatment. and i'm respecting that but I'm so dissapointed that we got to this place ...AGAIN!

I don't know if this will ever work. 

couldn't get to a live meeting because I'm sick to my stomach, probably stress.

 

any ideas???



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Senior Member

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Posts: 167
Date:

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I am still fairly new, so don't have a lot of strength and hope - but absolutely the experience to relate and empathize. Today I watched a movie called "The Other Woman". It's funny and lighthearted - maybe just what you need to get through the rest of the day? Just an idea. Sending good thoughts. xo

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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At times we lose what we learn and relapse just as they do.  Our relapses are as not necessary at theirs yet still the consequences of our addiction.  He read right and then he is not your sponsor or fellow Al-Anon member and still what he read and offered you ought to be thought about some more.   My sponsor once asked me after I vented that my alcoholic/addict threw the bible I was using to get her well while she was suffering a hangover, "What do you get from beating up the sick person"?  I thought until I learned that it was my right and my position to "fix" her and didn't understand about mutual respect and compassion.   Would I have accepted from her my own behavior?  Never would and never did.  

Your job is you and maybe inventorying "your part in this" would turn the light on some of the ups and downs (yours) in your marriage. 

If you're not alcoholic drinking wine might not be and issue and I was keenly aware that it was an issue for my alcoholic/addict wife, could I ever trigger her...you betcha!!...lots of times she chased my drinking and openly said, "God I wish I could drink like that".  Did I drink thru resentments?...since you mentioned that it was a possibility investigating it has lots of value.  I would take my findings to my sponsor and my own meetings.  I would not take them to my alcoholic/addict then or present wife now because usually for me expression of it comes out sideways and nothing is solved.

Great that you could have a dinner date together.  Sounds like you're both willing to live one day at a time.  Get out of the past, you won't change that.  Get out of the future, it hasn't arrived yet.    Keep coming back.

(((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
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This is such a hard situation.

I was told if your marriage is in trouble live separate
Both of you work hard on your sperate programs with the
Help of your own sponsor.

Then when you both are emotionally sober and / or
healthy work On your marriage. It is very hard to
Undue damage from the past. Hopefully at this point
You both are ready to recommit to your marriage.

It got so my ah when he was going to AA and me
alanon. We started having these same fights every
Month. Neither of us could see the others point of
View. We were at a stalemate nothing was changing
Or getting better between us only worse. My ah
Wanted out of the marriage i wanted to work on it.


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Member

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Posts: 8
Date:

thank you. I appreciate your comments. he is sick and I am sick. we used to go to each other to get help. but that was long ago and the disease has gotten worse.

i am learning every day and trying to use my new tools in the best way I can. and i'm hopeful that i can trust him again.

Good News! he called me at the end of the day. we shared our feelings in a calm way. he then came over and we had a nice relainxin gtime together.

this is a new pattern, we are not harboring like we used to.

One Day at a Time 



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~*Service Worker*~

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That is good news. Recovery is not as much about the absence of problems as it is about handling things differently and using new coping skills.

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Member

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yes! and i want to remember that this is progress not perfection.

 



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