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I always come back for guidance. My life has been going well last few months. Unbeleivably well actually. My ex AH has been tying his life up with legal probs, rehabs and jail for breaking probation requirements with more DWI's.
BTW ... the abilility to buy out (have disposed) DWI's in Tx is unnerving!! He has been picked up for 5 of them. One of them he was unconcious in the turning lane in his truck with it running and blinker on and was put on a ventalator for a week unsure of brain activity etc. When he woke up he was mad that his family thought he had a prob... he hasnt even been charged with that yet and it was 6 months ago. His legal says 3 disposed of and charges for his 2nd one. ???? What the heck fire...??
Anyway .. as a woman that lived through violence and brutal rapes from this man. Nope .. didnt press charges. I would lose my job if that got out, due to children safety. I am scared. I have nightmares but dont wana take sleep meds because I have to be on guard again. My "big" dog will be moved to sleep in living room and I will begin to work out hard to be ready to defend.
I have a friend at police dept I want to visit at work to get his cell number so I can txt him for faster police response in emergency or situations if things are repeated from past like him showing up to our 10 yr olds ball games drunk/messed up. Getting to bathroom to call 911 ..response wasnt fast and he left before they could get there. On way out messing with my car and going to my house to try to get in (codes and locks changes and dog in house detered that)
SO ... any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
sweetr I can certainly understand your anxiety and fear. and am glad that you made arrangements with your friend, the police officer and the big dog.
Please remember that your health and safety are crucial to your well-being. Having a bag packed so you can leave and go to a friends is extremelyimportant, as well as increased meetings and prayer.
I will hold positive thoughts for you and your family
It is a real fear no doubt, been there, so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds like you are doing all you can to be safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you. linsc
I can relate to the fear too (which will make it look Even bigger than it Already is; I also have an x in prison) .. if there is a possible safe haven by you, maybe informing them of your fears .. filing a restraining order for protection or even just having a safe place to stay for a night if needed for rest. Sometimes I want so much for another to give me that one right answer .. find when I go to a meeting, that is the answer .. the solution will come through the sharing .. also find there usually isn't just one right answer but find having serenity at least opens the door for a better chance of handling things better on my end because with meetings it's never just me .. with meetings and fellowship it's me a fellowship and the god of my understanding (god who understands me and my circumstances) hard for me to turn to my higher power sometimes but seeing he is allowing situations I have placed myself in lately to show me (he already knows) who I really am (or to bring areas to the surface in me for me to bring to him for healing) .. showing me my strengths and my very humbling human weaknesses .. love in recovery we are never alone, regardless of where we are, there is usually another somewhere working through the same or similar in the steps (or one who has already worked through it with experience then to help bring us strength & hope)
I shared the above while not at all minimizing the fear of physical harm (that's serious) .. I just know for me when I feel the fear ? it's like I begin the frenzy dance inside with emotions. sometimes I run everywhere else but higher power to try to feel a sense of control .. I run away from the answer .. sometimes I also forget higher power speaks through others .. just don't know any other place I can listen or hear better than in a meeting .. wishing you much serenity in this .. it's a tough situation .. without spiritual help it would be too much for most of us ..
A TRO or Temporary restraining order served on him while he is in prison is a good idea...not a guarantee with a oppositional defiant personality yet a good idea. I use to write them and I use to work with violent males. Use the tools and ask if there are more. Fear with nightmares means that its got you consciously and subconsciously...not good. See a counselor if you can also. ((((hugs)))))
I alerted my neighbors to a man that stalked me before to be on the lookout and to call 911 if they even thought they saw him. That helped in many ways. Restraining order and anything you can do to make paperwork that will help the police protect you! Sending you prayers, with much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Sweet. I think that this kind of terror is where the rubber really meets the road in recovery. This is the time to be as pro-active and plan as much as you can and ARE! For me, I leveraged family. My dad is a good ol' cowboy and I knew if I ever feared for my life he was faster and swifter to intervene than the police. I had him on speed dial, and called him (once). My brothers changed locks, my neighbors watched out and the police would park their car in my driveway at night between calls. I know most of this isn't new news to you - just throwing it all out there to see if any of it feels like it fits. I think above all else, the thing that saved me from real physical harm was the ability to speak calmly but firmly when the situation showed up at the front door one night. If I had panicked, raised my voice or in any way incited crazy-anger/panic in him.... I'm not sure how that night would have ended. Go with your gut on this. Prayer, meditation, meetings - repeat. Hugs.
I have never heard the nightmare part Jerry. It can be a red flag for me if I need to get my anxiety in check. I had a nightmare just before my last anxiety attack. I think all if the suggestions are great. I also had a security system installed. It has a panic button that goes to the police station. I just want to give you the biggest hug. I know that feeling all too well. (((((Hug)))))
Mine never progressed to extreme violence .. Only once i had to run from him and that was a fight we had in the car .. my arm was caught in the wheel and he was in a rage pulling on it .. in the middle of the night he would show and bang on the doors .. that was scary enough only because i never really knew .. was the unknown fear .. (he was coming down off meth and would knock a long time .. (i never called the police on him; think i was afraid) he did a lot of threatening and manipulating .. fear is the card they 'use .. after all that he landed himself in prison for harming another rather than me .. lots of chaos any way i look at it .. i have old messages of him threatening to blow up my house (with our daughter in it) .. one time he called and had recorded something i'd said .. i called him back and replayed the threat of him blowing up the house .. (that was the last time he did that) .. my biggest fault in all of it was growing the anger.. i tried to calm him down by being more aggressive .. at that time guess it was the best i could do in my own insanity (unclear thinking) but none of it made sense .. i still had the 'illusion i had some control .. all i really did was create an even greater enemy ... later after he was in prison and after the fact .. i began to recognize my part in antagonizing him .. but even if i hadn't .. there were plenty of reasons to fear .. eventually i got out .. for a long time i felt powerless to walk away .. so many behavior that felt so familiar to my past; they were.
the one thing that may be different with mine is mine used a lot of words and actions to intentionally try to make me afraid .. he always used the card against me that i had his daughter .. some time later i recognized that was all really part of his act for family .. when his own shame would come to the surface in him, he needed something or someone to make him (look better) less guilty .. not sure he ever really wanted her there to begin with . i will never really know .. no word from him in a long time but do know his release day is sometime this year .. for all i know may even be out already .. my hope and prayer is that he not return here at my door any time soon .. it wasn't love that she was getting from him; he grew the anger everywhere 'he went ..
i wish you the best in this Truth .. fear is hard to walk through .. does sound like you are walking through it and have taken a lot of good steps to help keep you safer ..
Thanks for all the prayers and words ...
First night he got out, he was trying to call our 9 yr old from another relatives blocked number (it tells me on my computer, who tries to call my son's phone) Yes my 9 yr old has a phone, strickly for safety so I regulate who can call it. 40 min after ... He drove his truck by my house slowing down and rev'ing his engine 3 times between 845-10pm Nothing illegal ... just to be a jerk.
His parents bought him a home (yes, he's 37 yrs old, and his parents bought him a house)... 2 blocks from my house ... so He can't get in trouble for stalking me .... even though there are several other roads that lead to his home .. he chooses the one that goes infront of my house that I bought and lived in 10 years before I even met him.
I want to move so badly, but money makes it hard .... and all it would do would take away his excuse to drive by ,, he could still do it.... UGH ...
not in fear as much .... My grandmother left me with this advice when she passed away last week at 94 yrs old ..(What an awesome woman) Guess God knew I needed to hear it ... She had no idea about the probs in my life. At 94 our conversations were always positive, even when she had no idea who I was..
Anyway ... she said .....
GOD WILL ALWAYS PROVIDE YOUR NEEDS .. AND YOUR WANTS AREN'T THAT IMPORTANT BECAUSE YOUR WANTS ARE ALWAYS CHANGING ..
I am as prepared as I can be on protection .. If he breaks in I am prepared to defend me and my son to the end.... God is always with me ... I am a tough woman and no days of taking crap have been over for awhile ...If he forgot that in prison he will be reminded if he doesnt mind his own business !!
Love you all
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Wow, i love what your grandmother said, how true!! what a wonderful parting gift from her.
It sounds like you *are* a tough woman, just keep aware of those boundaries, and remember what is important, I would imagine once he gets bored of revving his engine in front of your house he will move on to some equally inane, immature pasttime.
I don't at all mean to giggle on a share that is absolutely a serious one of safety. But - I did have to smile a moment when Kenny laid it out there so nicely.
He sounds like a little boy revving his big Tonka Truck so everyone will pay attention because he's alone in the sand box without any friends.
I'm glad you're feeling less fear. I'm glad you sound strong today. :)
The definitions of abuse I wide and then include mental and emotional abuse. Making noise pointed at your serenity is against the law call the police and speak with them about the issue and include your history with him. A TRO is a great help and you have to call those who have the experience with putting that together like Family Support etc. Do I recommend it? Absolutely...If he just got out of incarceration and the very first thing he does is challenge the law he needs another experience with dealing with them more.
When I was a alternatives to violence case manager I would tell the guys I worked with that if I heard they we recidivating, using intimidation and fear tactics again I'd have them jailed and in front of the judge again without a complain from their victim. If he believes his ego is so huge that it cannot be dented or bruised...go dent it and bruise it. If there is no one there to protect and stand up for you and your child its your responsibility. really. I use to cheer openly and loved when the victim of any one of my clients made the stand and then made the call. I would do the cheer in front of the other clients and none of them ever hated me for it because they knew was being done is right. I never had to ask a client that recidivated and was facing the judge again, "So what did you do"? I did ask that question just so they would say out loud that they screwed up and now had to own it. They knew and so does your ex AH. Make the call maybe he will thank you for it in time. ((((hugs))))
I have inner strength from higher power... but as far as the police in my small town .. the only paper work they are willing to do is for speeding or traffic citations... when at my house for domestic, weather I called or a neighbor.. they did NOTHING!! even with his admit of "throwin me around a lil"..
It is what it is ...I will protect myself and my son... as for a restraining order ?..I cant get one because of police records either too vague or non existing. My police friend still hasnt called me back... No one wants to get involved not even when its their job I guess.
He has called our son from his mothers phone ... dont know what was said. He didnt show up to baseball game and hopefully wont if he's drinking or messed up. If he does Ill call 911 cuz I am not scared to do the right thing anymore...
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
