The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, my wife and I went to town to run some errands and take care of a few things. The walk from where we had to park the car to our first stop was long and COLD. And, we were about an hour early, so we decided to go into a restaurant to warm up and use the restroom. I went to the restroom first, and while I was away, my wife ordered us hot chocolate. (Very nice, I like hot chocolate.) Apparently I returned faster than anticipated or the server was slower than anticipated, because I saw him putting snaps in one of the hot cocoas. And, I did not comment on it. My wife went into this long explanation about how she had ordered snaps for both of them, to "help us warm up." but that he must have forgotten and only put snaps in HER cocoa. Ok. I told her that I was then happy that he had forgotten the snaps in mine, because I did not want alcohol in my hot chocolate, and that the temperature of the beverage would warm me up just fine. And, I dropped the matter. I didn't want to keep discussing it.
However, she brought it up many times for the rest of the day. She wanted to know if I was mad at her. (I said her drinking was her decision, and her thing.) She wanted to know if we could split both cocoas, so I had half the snaps, too. (No, because I did not want snaps in mine.) She wanted to know if she could still say that she was 15 days sober. (Well, but you had alcohol, so you are not. That aside, you can say whatever you want.) She wanted to know why I didn't seem to care. (Because it is your choice, not mine.) But she really wanted me to care, and to tell her if I was mad or not. (I don't have any control over what you decide to do.) But she really wanted me to tell her if it was ok. (No, it is not ok) But am I going to leave her because of it? (no.) But that is a mixed message. (Why? I didn't say - this time - that I was leaving if she didn't stay sober.) But I like her better sober. (That is true. I do not like who you become when you are drinking.) But am I mad? ........
She finally came to the end of the conversation by declaring that she will remain sober until I decide that I want to share a bottle of wine with her. (Your use of alcohol is your decision, not mine.)
So, thanks to alanon, I was able to stay detached from the situation and not take responsibility for her actions and drinking. And, I did not use my usual coping strategies of trying to control her behavior or joining in the drinking so I don't feel the related emotions.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good deal Skorpi, you are doing well. Many alcoholics deep down are terribly ashamed that they drink. They feel like they have no self-will, and can't do anything about it, so live in denial of the problem, and look for external means to validate them.
Are you mad? One thing I have learned through Al Anon is that I actually DO have feelings. I was a feeling stuffer from long ago, an old survival technique from my family of origin. No feelings allowed in that house, at least not if they contradicted my dad's feelings, who didn't have many. No Alcohol involved either, my dad's a teetotaler, just narcissistic.
With Al Anon, I have found it's ok to have feelings, and definitely ok to feel feelings. However, after that, I ned to realize that feelings aren't facts, facts are facts. Feelings guide me towards a way of seeing, but if I respond through my feelings I will still get in trouble. If I respond to someone out of my anger, I canget in big trouble. ABeing able to step back and explore my angry feeling, figure out where it came from, then act appropriately on it, is a gift from Al Anon that I am still practicing every day. And by practicing, I mean I don't get it right most of the time, but I am still trying!
Wow that is some awesome use of the tools on your part! I can see that she was trying to deflect her feelings of shame and trying to entangle you in it all, and you just wouldn't take the bait. It also goes to illustrate what I eventually found out: that I don't have to worry about whether they're secretly drinking or not, because if they are, the truth will come out soon enough.
That is such good going - what strength you have in taking care of yourself.
She's working you and wanting you to be responsible to (not for) her disease. When she gets you to that point again most likely you will hear the justification "But you said". My alcoholic/addict within the disease would do the same thing. She knew her drinking was a problem and then she came to understand that it was a problem for her alone as I learned to back out of it thru the support and teachings I learned in the program. When I came to the realization and the expectation that my alcoholic/addict would drink and use whether I participated or not I calmed down and she got more nervous.
You were/are dealing with a relapse...you are learning nicely to let her own it all by herself. It's okay and a sign that the enabling is getting less use than before. You are getting healthy...she is getting???
In support and thanks for bring it here. (((((hugs)))))
It sounds to me like you handled a situation which easily could have been ignited with such loving detachment. Well done. I remember different scenarios when my now exAH would describe just how it happened that he ended up with alcohol. I didn't have Alanon tools then, but glad I have them now, and glad you do also--sounds like you handled that very well.
Great Job Skorpi. Remember not to fall into future traps either because she (and the disease) will twist and manipulate anything. Next it will be "I thought you said my drinking was my choice! Why are you all mad!?" Keep handing the disease back to her though. I suppose the answer to that if it happens would be "I didn't say your drinking doesn't upset me, but I know it's your choice and I can't make you stop."
Thanks, everybody! I have been in a similar place with her before, and didn't have the tools I needed to not feel guilt for letting her drink.
She had been sober for 6 months, because I asked my parents to help me move out, then ended up staying because I felt that I needed to give her a chance to make things better. We were on our way to a wedding reception for some very close friends that was taking place at a micro-brewery, and she asked if I would be upset if someone gave her a beer and she drank it. I said I wouldn't be upset and leave her if she slipped up at the reception, because it was going to be a challenging environment and I thought it would just be a one time thing. Actually, it was the start of a spiral that ended a couple weeks ago, and she has blamed me for the whole thing, because I said I wouldn't be upset and leave her if she slipped up at the wedding reception. That was apparently a green light to start drinking.
I carried that responsibility for a long time, and I am SO thankful that I have the tools I need to not let myself make myself responsible for her drinking this time around!
I actually do not feel angry. (I felt A LOT of anger about the whole driving the car into a pole business, but I worked through it and let it go. I also had a ton of anger that I directed at her mom, who helped her decide that she didn't need to go to therapy to work on stuff as she and I agreed. This board, and some discussions about enabling, and different perspectives on that helped me to let that anger go as well. I bet her mom feels some of the same anger, but directed at me. Really we are both just doing our best to deal.) I think I am at the point of resigned apathy. I am not surprised that she slipped up, and I am happy that I didn't let her drag me into the decision this time. I'm not feeling hurt or disappointed about the relapse, either. I guess indifferent would be a good word to describe how I am feeling about the relapse. I am disappointed that she tried to drag me into things and out the decision/blame on me, and happy that I didn't bite. I am proud of my reaction, and Extremely Excited that I didn't let her wear me down this time. (She tends to badger away at me until I give in out of exhaustion when we disagree about something. My alanon tools have been helping a lot with that as well.)
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
You brought up a lot in that post/response. Your A has really tried to draw you in to not make her responsible for any of her own behaviors, especially as it comes to alcoholism. I'm not sure what the "right" response would be for "Would you be mad if I drank?" would be for different situations. I can certainly see that it's a ploy to not be responsible for themselves and to make the decision and the consequences of it your fault and not theirs.
Anyhow, I know that when an A says "Would you be okay if I....(insert negative behavior or risky behavior that will probably lead to something negative)?" That is code for "I want to relapse or act out and I want you to sign off on it." It is difficult to get yourself out of that role.
Skorpi Being honest about how you feel is important I know in the beginning of program I did not know how I felt on many issues so that I would say i am not sure how I would feel but your drinking is hurting your life and ruining your chances for happiness-- how do you feel about it?
Hugs Skorpi. You were GREAT. I think you did great. I will carry this with me for when I have to deal with it. Thank you for sharing it.
I am so scared of his first relapse because for US it does mean we are over and done. and I'm afraid of his "testing" me which is what i think your AW was doing.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Wow Skorpi, just WOW! You are a detached-love boundary setting NINJA. Thank you for sharing this story. I've read it a few times now to burn it into memory. I want to be able to be this calm, reflective, respond vs. reactionary in the future. Again, thank you!
