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The kids finally saw their dad today after not seeing him since 12/24. Saying it was awkward is probably putting it mildly. The kids picked a place that the staff is very familiar with me and my son so they watched out for them which I was extremely grateful for, and the kids had a good time. Their dad and the new wife left, I had to laugh because I had lunch while the kids and I talked about visitation and what the rest of our plans for the day were. They are way to funny and my daughter was like Mom .. it is so much better to be here with you. You are way to funny and we always have the best time here. Dad's just not right. I told her I know and I understand .. it is better for them at this point to try and forge some kind of relationship, regardless of how superficial it is. I guess he tried to touch the kids and they were like what are you doing .. obviously moved away from his advances. He doesn't get he's been out of their lives so long that the aren't comfortable with him in that way. Hugging goodbye is a forced thing for them. My kids are huggers. Or they are with me I guess is what I'm saying.
He's just weird and that's the only way to put it.
Here's the ironic thing about it, he did exactly what I told the new wife he does when he's with the kids and it's totally inappropriate. He picks specific things to pick at the kids about knowing it upsets them. It is curious and I would like to know what it is about for him to do this behavior .. I mean what is he getting out of it. The kids pretty much look at him and go .. umm .. idiot much? They get it's not about them and this is his issue. Even the new wife looked at him and was like what are you doing? He does this with especially with my daughter in terms of he knows she has anxiety, he knows she's seeing a therapist and yet he will do whatever he can do to put excessive pressure on her as if he wants her to snap. He is going to rue the day that happens, that kid is going to unload on him in an ugly way and he's totally going to deserve it I have no doubt about that.
I'm relieved that he's showing his colors at the moment when it comes to the kids and this behavior about the repeating .. I would like to know what that is about, my daughter said to me mom it used to really stress me out, however now that I know I don't have to live with him and I don't have to see him it's easier to take in smaller doses. It still stresses me out, however at least it's not so intense like it was .. seriously what kind of parent does that on purpose and does it in a way that the kid/s know that is the goal?
Funny note .. my son had a Rube Goldberg deal today and this town is just to small .. LOL .. we walked up to the sign in and who is checking people in? My atty .. LOL .. poor thing .. I"m dealing with some issues that I'm not pleased about .. anyway, this is the first time that she's met my kids. So that was fun for them to meet her.
I found out that my intellectual friend at game night happens to be an atty .. go figure .. LOL! I had a feeling he was, I was surprised by his field of choice. No family law, or criminal, it's interesting because it's nothing like that, turns out we run in the same crowd. It was nice to chat with him about law stuff. While I would love to do the whole atty deal .. I don't if I am willing to give away that much of my soul. OMGOSH we laughed .. LOL .. while I worked on my book. That's what I've started doing is putting some serious work into my book. Oh and I'm learning a foreign language at the moment too. I need something to stretch my brain a bit. Just talking to him really makes me realize how many books I have read, how much I had lost to this awful disease, what I allowed to consume me. It was so nice to talk to an intelligent man who could hold a conversation .. sad he's married .. LOL .. happy for him .. happy for his wife .. just wish he had a single brother who was on he same level of conversation.
There was a little chatter about the kids going over to their dad's tomorrow however if they don't push the issue I doubt it will happen. I think my daughter is hoping she gets a better offer .. lol. Her words were well .. you know it is good for about an hour after that it's not any fun.
Anyway, it's been an interesting day is putting it mildly. I am thinking more and more I would like to bite the bullet and go on a first date. Kind of like ripping the band aide off I guess, .. I get plenty of attention from the opposite sex .. just not the ones I happen to be interested in .. LOL .. maybe a good thing. I would like to meet someone on an intellectual level for sure, I have really enjoyed the conversations I have been having about different books and so on.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aloha Serenity...just one of the things I learned in accepting my alcoholic/wife as a sick person and not a bad one was the same thing I learned of myself. She was doing the best she could with what she had at the time. Al-Anon gave me lots of lessons in compassion and empathy and patience and in turn the understanding served well. I got to do a gratitude list for her strengths while gaining understanding on how destructive the diseases of alcoholism and addiction are. In the end my HP used my alcoholic/addict wife as my metaphor for humility which I understand I one part the fulfillment of the promise..."If you keep and open mind, you will find help". After I divorced my alcoholic/addict I got into several dysfunctional relationship with women in and out of the program which had me focus on my inventories and the question "what the hell is wrong with me"??? I get to answer the Al-Anon questions about my part in it.
If Alateen is available in your area and as a former 6 year sponsor in that program I suggest you introduce them to it. It is a part of Al-Anon. (((((hugs)))))
No alayeen .. Too small of a town, they have a very good counsellor I'm hoping to keep them at. I have been be blessed that way. The financial end of the divorce is not done .. I am choosing to reserve compassion .. I have it .. It's there .. However the financial terrorism he's put the kids and I through I will wait for that to be completely done. I still need my teeth for a moment. I'm curious on human behavior .. I know he does the best he can all of us do specific behaviors for an emotional payoff .. I would like up have a clue into that behavior. It would be nice to hand a healthy conversation with him and say that's not ok. That's a pipe dream. Obviously he can't .. I have asked him to attend counseling with the kids he won't do it. I have been working on me for a while now and I'm ok either way things go. I'm not interested I.perusing a relationship .. A date would be nice. He's been gone for 3 years now and we have been divorced since October. Considering he's married already I'm ok lol.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am happy to hear that you are doing things for yourself like going to game night and studying a foreign language! I can relate to your story about the kids and their Dad. My 14 year old wants nothing to do with him. I think his younger sister was happy when the visit was over this weekend. When I spoke to him later, he said he feels like the kids ignored him...well, he needs to understand that if he does not engage them, do an activity or something with them, what does he expect? Hanging out with them all weekend in the house is just a repeat of what he always did with them. He wasn't really "present" when he was living with us.
He does not get the hugging thing either. He is sometimes overly affectionate/huggy and does not listen when one of them tells him to stop. I think it is about his needs, not theirs.
Thank you for sharing the quote:
"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them. They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay
Oh interesting thought Shelbybaby because it is about his needs and not about other people's. I honestly hadn't thought about that part of the deal and it fits completely.
I love this quote because it's a good reminder to me that not everyone is where I'm at and I'm not where someone else is .. I like that because it frees me to let go of a lot.
The kids have already had the conversation with him that they aren't doing his emotional work for him and he's angry because they are holding him accountable to do the best he can. I actually like the new wife because she seems to get it. They are so my kids and they so are not going to put up with the BS he's dishing .. they will let a lot go.
He actually told my daughter she looked mad and if she wanted to punch him it was ok go ahead and do it. I don't think he realizes that she was thinking of taking him up on his offer. Oh I would have backed that child all the way up to the top only because he told her to and had she acted on it .. LOL. Don't say something that immature and stoopid .. ugh.
She was like Mom like you say all of the time .. I just don't look good in Prison Orange .. that's my girl .. lol.
No mention of the next weekend so we'll see.
Thanks for listening, S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
