The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
IM WORKING HARD AT ALANON,FACE TO FACE MEETING,READING,WORKING ON THE PATHS BOOK,GO ON OUR GROUP OFTEN.
I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT EVEN WITH THE BEHAVIOR AH SHOWED, WE CAN WORK IT OUT. HE IS IN REHAB NOW
MY SPONSER IS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC AND HER HUSBAND IS A RECOVERING LCOHOLIC AND HER SON IS A RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT . THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 35 YRS
YARNCRAZY your post reminds me of a pamphlet which is part of the Al-Anon literature. You might even find it at afg/wso.com. It is entitled "Just for Today". Only in part it said to me "Just for today I will live in this day only..." Go look it up. See what it says to you along with the fellowship. (((((hugs)))))
Mine left me. He was going to AA and me to alanon, But ah refused to work on the marriage.
In a good situation he would have gone to AA got a Male Sponsor worked the steps worked on himself. If needed we could have lived seperately and both Worked on their own recoveries then when both healthy Enough Work on the marriage.
That is not what happened in real life. He refused to work On us Over and done with. No sponsor or step Work. Now he has an AA gf he lives with and he is 30 years Dry.
A lot of marriages dont make it thru recovery. Too much Baggage from the past. Too much hurt and unresolved Issues. Even if there is love its tough. When the love is Gone on one side it doesnt work.
I talked at length to knowledgeable AA people it is very Common of marriage not working even with emotional recovery. Then they are like, is this what i want in my Life? Am i happy? I need to walk my own path! I need To Explore My options! I need to do what makes me happy! Meanwhile in Alanon we are trying to keep our Lives together and keep focused on healing the marriage.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 28th of February 2015 08:59:25 PM
I left my exAh right before I found al-anon, but my sponsor and her husband had made it to grow old together and he worked hard on his AA program and she on her al-anon program. I have seen plenty of people that have made it work. I spent 15 years dealing with unacceptable behavior and was over it. I don't regret it and am glad I decided to leave, but it's not for everyone.
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I left my exAH because I was ready to grow and he was stuck. I didn't want to waste any more time of my life waiting for him to overcome his immaturity and I certainly didn't want my daughter growing up in a insane home.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I didnt stay, so i suppose i cant answer your questiin through my own experience but i do know people in alanon who stay and they work a solid program so if anytbing staying with the alcoholic keeps you focussed on yourself. I think the healthy view might be to be ok with both scenarios. If it ends you will be ok and if it works out you will be ok. Depending on another human for your happiness, security etc is risky business.
I stayed but the first two years were hard. I had some old habits that were hard to break...and so did he. He is dry no program, he has changed a lot, I don't know how? most of the time now we get along pretty good. I have my own life now...as Elcee said I'm focused on me. I still enjoy him and the time we spend together, but I know God, my program and myself have to come before others. I work a strong program, three to four meetings a week, this week I felt a little stressed I hit a fifth. I have a wonderful gentle sponsor and a separate mentor that I work the steps with. It can be done.. there has to be understanding and a lot of compassion for the others humanness, and accepting others as they are giving up changing the other... a lot of looking at self as well, how I played a part in our past. I'm glad I stayed, I have learned so much about commitment and unconditional love. However if he hurt me now, He would have to go, two of my deal breakers with anyone not just him would be cheating or abuse. I have to put myself first now. The other thing is God wants me in this relationship and I listen to God. I also knew a woman when I first came in, loved her, she's passed now. She was in the program 26 years still living with her elderly husband and taking care of him and she had health problems too. She said she didn't know why she stayed God nudged her to stay. It was her path. every time I saw her at the meetings, she was always smiling, always supportive...I later found out at the time of her death she was sponsoring a lot of women and taking care of him. She went quick, heart failure....so it can be done...lots of patience,acceptance, tolerance and unconditional love(seeing past the disease)....and a whole lot of focusing on self and always being attentive to ones own needs. Hugs
ps almost forgot I don't think I could live with active drinking...my friend did. It's all in what the person that lives with the A can handle. Thank god alanon gives us so many choices.
-- Edited by karma13 on Sunday 1st of March 2015 06:20:39 AM
__________________
I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
My ah is about 90 days sober and is a dry drunk. He has been very hard to deal with. Very negative an self absorbed. I guess it depends how your alcoholic is and if you are alright with it. U think it is a very strange disease because every time you think u got one thing down there is another thing you have to deal with. It robs so much from people that many have to walk away for their own sanity. I'm in the process of walking away but just when I think I'm ready he is nice again and I get confused. Is he getting better, am I leaving too soon, how can I stay knowing that it has taken so much already, can I really have peace with this person now that he is sober and trying, how will this affect my child and so on... My heart goes out to you and everyone that is dealing with this.
If my wife were still active, I don't know if I could do it. The level of irrationality, the constant drama of what will be happening next, I don't know if I could detach from that. And it would have been with or without Al Anon: even though I am a perfectionist and can't let go of relationships due to fear of failure, I think I would have had no choice.
Now that she is in recovery, and I am too, we are mostly good. Still definitely have some things to work through, but I can live with her most definitely. In many ways she's better than she had been for many years, even before she was an A. But she has embraced recovery fully, and I let her go when she feels the need to take a whole week of evenings and do AA stuff. It's much preferable to the alternative!
Karma i like your comments. They speak to me on so many levels!
Both of you were willing to change even one not in recovery but he
was dry.Put God And youself first and foremost. Accept no abuse or
cheating They are deal breakers. Work a strong program for yourself!
Love and commitment are what it is about. Willingness to Move on if
needed. Having Compassion and accepting the humanness of our mates.
I have been married almost 40 years. My AH moved out to live with girl friend. I cannot believe after this long he chooses to leave me and ignore our 3 adult children and our 8 grand children. I cry every day morning 40 years of loss. Alcohol kills more than brain cells. It kills families too.
Ladybug, count your days in alanon and let him count his sobriety days. His sobriety is a "him" thing. Ideally he will build up a program all his own that is deep and personal and not just about saving the marriage....and that's a good thing. Usually when there is a split there is more to it than just alcohol but when a person keeps drinking the problems never get addressed. When a person stops drinking, feelings are overwhelming and they often don't cope well and may grow into a different person than you expected even when they do start coping better.
It's a challenge. Sometimes there remains a deep love that existed at the start of the marriage and carried through despite all the damage. Given that divorce rates are 60 percent, relapse rates are 90 percent...
It takes a lot of work to stay sober. It also takes work to have a good marriage even when alcoholism is not involved.
Alyce it is possible to that your marriage will thrive as you both work program and learn new tools. My marriage did just that and he died of cancer ,sober 6 years later .
Hullibee I do hear you and understand. I just wanted to say that the ending of your 40 year marriage, does not mean that the previous 40 years were for nothing . You still have the memories of the journey that you shared, good and bad , as well as your children and grandchildren. These are all valuable assets that the death of a marriage, no matter how it ends, does not negate..Learning the lessons from the past helps me to grow and thrive in the present moment
Thank you Betty. I do cherish my memories. I believe we had a lot of good years. I'm a little bitter at the moment because I don't want my marriage to end but it's not about me right now. It's his choice. I pray, read my alanon literature, and go to f2f meetings. I hope the pain will go away, but right now it's very raw.
Mine left as well. In retrospect, I am extremely happy. I would have stayed to the bitter end because I valued loyalty. I did not even see how unhealthy it was and how much abuse was going on. It sent me on a different journey
(((Hugs))) to all of you today!!!!
Well this is something I so can relate to . When I was still married to my AH it was so hard to live under the same roof and both work a program and get healthy , seperation at that time was needed because as I worked on myself he seen me get strong and he just fell back a step he was paying to much time involved in my recovery that made him stop working on his own . Things got worst he would start to put my fellowship down and I new he was not taking care of himself he focus was more on what alanon was feeding me . I feel off track I was nervous that maybe I was not doing the right thing by taking care of me and being a selfish program one has to do so . Short story is we divorce he also wanted to work on the marrage and work on himself and we know that cannot happen he needed to take care of himself I needed to care for myself then the marrige could of been next to work on . I still try to stay in touch with my ex daily to see how he is and give him support still even we are not together , I still love him after all we been threw . But he admitted to me he still sick and not healthy he lives in his own place i can only hope he stays true to himself and stays on his program. Another relaps would do him in .
Yes if we are talking about HIM I would say AH if we were talking about ME I would say me. IF we are talking about OUR MARRIAGE I say WE.
I am working my program
My AH is working his
and together
WE are WORKING OUR MARRIAGE.... since OUR MARRIAGE is totally dependent on HIS sobriety.. WE are sober almost 60 days.
I am very clear on the distinction of his own work in AA, rehab and therapy vs my work with a therapist and in Al-anon.
OUR marriage will be getting it's own therapist as well.
Since the thread was about staying with your AH I felt the pronoun use was correct. I guess I needed to add this disclaimer. Sorry for the confusion.
pinkchip wrote:
Ladybug, count your days in alanon and let him count his sobriety days. His sobriety is a "him" thing. Ideally he will build up a program all his own that is deep and personal and not just about saving the marriage....and that's a good thing. Usually when there is a split there is more to it than just alcohol but when a person keeps drinking the problems never get addressed. When a person stops drinking, feelings are overwhelming and they often don't cope well and may grow into a different person than you expected even when they do start coping better.
It's a challenge. Sometimes there remains a deep love that existed at the start of the marriage and carried through despite all the damage. Given that divorce rates are 60 percent, relapse rates are 90 percent...
It takes a lot of work to stay sober. It also takes work to have a good marriage even when alcoholism is not involved.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I get it Ladybug...I just figured I'd say it before someone else did and again, probably semantics but the wording comes off as blazingly codependent and enmeshed in his issues and I doubt you meant it to. It's going to be an ongoing challenge and adjustment for you guys to develop boundaries, separate programs, and healthy patterns. For now, it sounds like you are learning tons and doing quite well. Don't know what he's learning since he's not here and not the subject of interest as much as you, but at least he's partaking in recovery and trying so it seems.
I also don't mean to offend with any of this feedback...Alanon is about keeping the focus on you though...His disease and recovery is his. Your stuff is yours....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 2nd of March 2015 01:24:40 PM
I just have to say, every post I read on this board is so helpful! No matter where the individual poster is in his/her program and recovery it is all so damned helpful. Just knowing we are all here and care enough about ourselves and our loved ones shows just how driven we are to be healthy. Keep on rockin' it! ((hugs)) to all
I would like to answer your subject line question directly... the answer is yes and no. Yes - today I am staying with my husband. No-tomorrow I will let go of all that is harmful to me and my children should the situation arise. This includes letting go of him and the agreement of our marriage. This is not a decision taken lightly, as my commitment is and was real. However I understand better now the difference between commitment for the sake of ( fill in the blank here: ____________ appearances? the children? the church? on and on it goes) and a true commitment to myself and my own wholeness.
I understand now that my job is to chose wellness and love. It is a slow and steady choice each day.
There can be, and there is a lot of love (and even beauty) in release. For example - after becoming pregnant at a young age, I chose life and release of my son into a wonderful adoptive family. It was painful, emotional and good all at the same time. I draw on that experience now, as I face my relationship with my addict spouse. I am aware each day of the real possibility that I may need to release my relationship with him also. And that's ok, as I believe the outcome will be for the better as it was for my child.
But I am not yet faced with that choice, not today.
I also fully trust a power higher and wiser than myself - to show me when to stay, when to let go and what to release and surrender. That is so reassuring on the hard or dark days.
Thank you for being transparent, open and honest about your feelings and your journey. It is your very own, and it is surely precious!
Every situation may be different in the steps ... steps work if we work them .. whether things work with the a or not, they will still work (for us through our recovery) .. when we make a decision on Step 3 .. we make a decision to turn over our entire Lives .. us husband family friends jobs situations money kids, etc .. best way I knew to work the steps too was to attend meetings each week; read; find sponsor ..
The answers that I wanted to find or the times I wanted a crystal fortune read for future; or the grasping of the entire picture for understanding it all just like that .. finally realized .. the Answer is going to meetings (as you are) the solution ? will come in Perfect timing of higher power for each of us in the moment it's supposed to .. there's sometimes when I try to figure out what to do with something and wonder why I don't have the solution yet and then remember the solution's not here yet for me . it comes in the meetings .. one meeting at a time .. love trust hope & understanding all grow one meeting at a time ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 4th of March 2015 09:40:31 AM
Thanks for all your feedback,you are so kind. I have put off a decesion and am taking one day at a time. The idea did help me research possibilites,sources,etc Im also pleased that ah has asked for more time to stay in rehab. I hope they approve it for he feels he needs it.
Hi,
I am one who stayed with the hubby. He is sober and in AA now. Before that, I was also planning the divorce. And like Jenny says, I am married for today. If he ever goes back to drinking my decision will change. He knows that. He tells other people, "The first drink costs $5. The second one costs everything I hold dear..."
I also had to change my definition of what I wanted/got in a spouse. I no longer believe in "soul mates". My trust has been broken and I learned I have to look out for myself. I have learned it is alcoholism, and not alcoholwasm. I live for today because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am hopeful, but I am also grounded in reality. If I can be friends with him it is good enough for me. I have my best friends at my meetings.
I stayed with my AH through the thick and thin of it. I got counseling, started meetings and we started counseling. I could not have stayed without a lot of help and learning about everything. I had to drop all my preconceived notions of who I wanted him to be and just let him be who he is. I have had to learn about maturity and come to understand that will come with time. I still believe in soul mates myself for many, many reasons and I am not giving up on that thought.
My trust, my heart and bank account have all been broken, but the most valuable thing I learned through all of this is to take care of me, look out for me and keep my side of the street clean. It works and works very well for me. Throughout our marriage counseling the counselor who is great and sober 48 years has really helped my AH gain wisdom, understanding, new ways of communicating and is working on his maturity issues. He also helps me understand I am a wife not a parent, how to communicate better and so much more. He has also made it clear that yes each of us has our own recovery, however if we want to make this marriage work we must always remember it is a WE thing not just me, not just him....
I know that working steps daily, reading, attending meetings, coming here helps me stay grounded, from getting entirely to wrapped up in the future, his recovery and program. I set my boundaries, I am happy with and can live with them and always keep an open mind.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
(((Hugs))) to all of you today!!!!