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hi! It's snowy and freezing cold down here in Texas! I do not do well in this weather :(
I wonder if anyone else struggles with "am I making more out of this problem than there really is?" I sat, listening to a conversation my AH was having with his mother, talking about how "everyone" in this particular town was drinking before driving a 2 hour drive in the ice to watch a high school sporting event...like that was totally acceptable and normal. I do think some of the people had been drinking prior to the event, but I would say those people were in the minority. AH and his mom laughed about it like it was something funny (he, of course was one in the minority) and I sat there wondering, am I making too much out of this? Am I missing something? I feel like alcohol is ruining my life in every way and I'm not even the one drinking. Am I blowing it all out of proportion? Is this a problem to anyone else but me? It doesn't seem like it! I cant believe his mother cannot see that he has this problem, of course his parents are every day wine drinkers so I guess they don't think much of it. My AH talks about what a perfect family he had growing up and how perfect he was as a child, teenager (my story would be very opposite and he'd be the first to tell you that) but all I see that his parents raised are two semi-functioning alcoholics! And I'm the only one in the whole family who doesn't enjoy sitting around drinking...is it me? Is this how normal people really live? I feel like the answer is no, but I feel like I'm the only one bothered by it. I am trying so hard to separate from the actual problem, reminding myself I am powerless against this horrible disease but I just can't seem to let it go, internally. Thank you for listening.
I ask myself the same thing sometimes! There are days I don't mind having a few friends over and my AH drinks with them. (I am a 19 month recovering A myself). To me it feels comfortable.. like why do I make such a big deal over his drinking if everyone else is doing it too! Then there are the times he gets mean.. which I am normally the only one to witness it. Others have forgiven him for awful stuff he says when drunk and I think I should probably forgive him too! I believe it gives me an excuse to deny the problem.. and denial in itself has caused me all kinds of crazy!
I believe that's called "gaslighting," from the movie "Gaslight" where the wife kept thinking something was going on (the gaslight in their house was dimming at times) and the husband kept denying it and convincing her she was crazy. Of course something was going on and she was not crazy.
It sounds like it's clear where your AH gets his attitude, though, if his mother laughs at the idea of people drinking before driving. As they might say in Star Wars, "The denial is strong in that one."
It's important for us to hang on to our clear sight. Sounds like you've got yours.
I think your feelings are valid. Of course it's an unsafe practice to get loaded and get on the road and endanger other people's lives. Booze is a big part of the lives of alcoholics; number one in their lives. Your husband's parents may be alcoholic too which would be why they don't think he has a problem. As far your husband saying he's from a "perfect" family lol, thankfully you know that isn't true. Whose perfect? No one.
Fairlee... it can be a lonely ride when we're either the only one or one of just a few family members in recovery. You can't reason with the disease of alcoholism and that can feel frustrating when you can see the alcohol polluted thinking and just want to shake them into clear logical decision making. When I'm sitting in that feeling, I come here too to post or read or I reach out to someone in the program by phone. Fairlee, in my humble opinion, your thinking is sane concerning the drinking every day and the drinking and driving. The serenity prayer has helped me in these situations.
As far as the weather, it's very cold and freezing here too. I'm looking forward to nicer weather. These cold days have left holes in my days to fill. I can't do the usual things I want to do because of the weather but there never seems to be a shortage of things I can get done in the house. Combining dance music and housework helps me on these days.
I hope my response has helped you to feel supported. I'm glad you found us, keep coming back. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I agree that you are not manufacturing your concerns and fears. These concerns are very real I can truly identify, with the family being in such denial. My family responds in the same way to drinking and driving, laughs about being drunk, and thinks that I am over exaggerating and strange. Even though my son died from this disease. They truly believe that this was simply a fluke and can't understand why. I do not drink.
Alanon principles and program work for anyone who is affected by someone else's drinking . You don't have to identify him as an alcoholic, nor does he have to agree that is an alcoholic . You are attending because you need help. That is all.
The program offfers tools for us to learn to keep the focus on our selves,live one day at a time, receiving powerful support from those in program who understand as few others can.
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I thank God for Al-Anon everyday and I'm glad you are here
Oh my this is my go to coping mechanism. I have been trying so hard for two years to change it. In my experience, it stems from comparing yourself to others. I would see behavior that I just didn't like and then I would say "I must be overreacting" and do nothing. Now I set a boundary...here was the "nugget" for me that turned it positive....you can use that motivation to take action and move forward. I didn't realize changing for the positive though I would get backlash and sometimes "others" even think you are crazy!! I have learned to let people go as well and then I started to attract friends more in line with my values.
I actually have to laugh now. My ex-A accuses me of being mentally ill because I have boundaries. In his defense, I have changed so much from what he knows that in his mind I probably do appear mentally ill...Lol
Good post Fairlee and great inventory question and for me...Yes it is you and yes also you're normal. It was okay when I did it because it was part of the growing and recovering process. I come from the disease so questioning to learn other perspectives and beliefs was okay and I did it. The ending statement to our meetings, "If you keep and open mind you will find help" supports this post and second guesing myself allows me to get closer to the truth for me. I don't work my program "because" of anyone else today now...When the program taught and led me to finding out the truth for me in spite of others in my life I came to understand the saying "just for me" was allowing me to have my truth and experience and not question it because others might have a different stance. "To thine own self be true". Thanks for the post. (((hugs)))
Fairelee, Great post and great question. I have often wondered myself if I am making too much of a big deal about my wife's drinking. (She pointed out to me yesterday that her alcohol use is nowhere near as bad as a lot of people. For example, she doesn't go missing overnight.)
I was having a chat with my adviser recently, and we were discussing drinking culture in Wisconsin, since neither of us is from this state. We agreed that, from our childhood experiences, anyway, that it was not a given that alcohol was the beverage of brunch, that inviting someone over for dinner did not automatically mean that alcohol would be in the house and that every guest would bring a bottle or a 6-pack, and that we wouldn't expect that going to an art fair meant walking by a beer or wine vendor every half block.
I think that some areas, some families, and some social groups are more used to having alcohol around all the time than others. As for normal? It isn't normal for me to have alcohol around all the time. I don't like going somewhere for dinner or brunch and feel like the odd woman out because I do not want alcohol in whatever I am drinking. I don't think that everyone lives lives dripping with alcohol, but even if most people do, I don't really care. For me, I can say that I do not like it and I do not think it is acceptable to drink before driving (or while driving, as a lot of people do here in the country). And, I think it is ok for me to say that I disagree with these actions (and more importantly am not going to get in a car with someone who has/is drinking). I know I don't have control over what other people do and think, but for me and my life, it is a big deal, and I am allowed to express that it is.
Thanks for inspiring so much thinking early in the morning! ((hugs))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I agree that alcohol is involved in so many get-togethers. I am also one of those that likes to have a drink while out with friends or to relax at home in the evening. I feel a bit like a hypocrite. Luckly I am able to control any drinking I do and never have more than one if I will be driving. Things have changed though. My 25 yo A daugher is living at home and has just stared putting her life back together and starting AA. She lost her job which she loved due to drinking at work! I will now do whatever it takes to get her back to sober and enjoying life. I hate alcohol........
I have only recently acknowledged that my H has a problem with alcohol. I am a lightweight and can not tolerate anything more than a half glass of wine. His family and friends, however, drink so much more. Twenty years ago I remember thinking that it was odd how they would drink on the beach all day and that every night, especially during the summer, started with "happy hour". The only time I ever saw alcohol as a kid was at holidays. Just a different upbringing.
What started as a glass of red wine "for health" reasons turned into a bottle each night. He has yet to understand/accept that the drinking is a serious problem. My 14 yr old has told him that he needs to get a job and stop drinking.....he wants to know who put that thought in his head. I told him that he is a smart kid who knows what is going on!
Nevertheless, I worry that I am "exaggerating" and "over-reacting". I have just started going to meetings and am happy that I found this board. I have supportive siblings and friends but they don't get it as they do not live it.
My husband and his family often joke about drinking, even though several of them are physically dependent on alcohol and other drugs. My husband's mother in particular laughs at inappropriate stories involving her adult children and substance abuse. She also pushes alcohol, drinks heavily at times, and tends to not include her children that don't drink in family activities. She became very upset when my husband told her we would not be having an open bar at our wedding, even though she was not helping financially or in any other manner. As a mother, it takes every fiber of my being not to judge her for what she has done and is doing to her children.
My husband also describes his family and childhood as wonderful. I have heard otherwise from his sober siblings, though. I believe that the untreated alcoholism has allowed my husband and the rest of the active addicts in his family to put on the rose-colored glasses about family matters and avoid reality. He'll tell me some disturbing story about his family and try to pass it off like something heart-warming you'd see on the Hallmark channel. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there amazed they're all still alive. So, in my opinion, it's not "normal" by most standards. I really believe that their laughing about dangerous substance abuse stories is their way of minimalizing/denying the fact that the family has a disease.
