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Post Info TOPIC: Therapist and 10 things I want in a relationship


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Therapist and 10 things I want in a relationship


my ah is 90 days sober. I have been posting how difficult he has been and went to our therapist to let her know how bad it has been. She said it sounds like his meds are not working and asked me when was he goin to see the psychologist, I said I didn't know (found out from ah April 2nd). I told her things had to change before Easter ( I have no hope that they will) and I want her help talking to him the Friday before Easter to get him to move out with the least amount of drama. She said to me she wanted me to list 10 things I need from this relationship and that she would work with him regarding those things. Huh? The sad part is I can't even think of anything except stop being so negative, I am not your personal venting venue, stop being a self absorb jerk all the time, be a positive instead of constant negative person, Stop being grumpy all the time. Not sure if this is the list she is talking about. She said I include hints I like about him I got nothing!! I pretend to be ok with thing so that he doesn't sulk or whine that it is all his fault. I pretend that I am ok when he hugs me when I just cringe inside wondering when the grumpy mean person will show himself. I said there is something seriously wrong with him and she tells me to make a list!!! What ?! He had a therapy appointment with her too and I was in fear of what would happen when he got home... He was fine saying he loves his family and that when he says all this stuff it isn't about me but just outside that he is complaining about. well they r not hear and do not care you waste your energy or are mad at them... I am and I am the one that takes it. 10 things to make me happy...geesh get him out of my life x 10!! I am so confused and exhausted, sorry everyone for the venting. Am I just being unreasonable or have I finally had enough?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Help Angel, I believe your therapist is asking you to keep the focus on yourself and look within to see what you need in a relationship.

Instead of looking at your husband and wanting him to change by stopping all his negative behavior, it sounds as if she wants you to list some positive attributes that you need to see in order for the relationship to flourish

. For example, you may need to feel that he; appreciate you, supportive of you t, etc. each of us is different. To take the time to look within and see what you need. You can read here and share when you're ready

Remember program suggests that we make no major changes for at least 6 months so that we can rally focus on our needs and wants and not react 




-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 28th of February 2015 11:35:02 AM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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No. You are not being unreasonable. This post resonated with me. I have seen this in other posts and shares where the alcoholic gets into recovery and they are really dramatic, working through tons of crap, moody...They are a typical newcomer in AA...a baby in sobriety. Meanwhile, the spouse is still reeling from years of putting up with their drunkenness and nightmarish behavior and the spouse is desperate for space in order to heal and really develop an alanon recovery program.

Ideally, your AH would get a sponsor and you would have one too and you would develop boundaries about discussing certain things/drama/BS. It seems really unethical of your therapist to be seeing both of you individually and then promising you she will work in HIS sessions about stuff you want him to work on. Sounds like a crackpot therapist who is reinforcing the lack of boundaries that is already a problem in your relationship. I am a therapist and in recovery (AA and Alanon) also so I don't say this lightly....My recovery was delicate and really personal at the start and if my therapist was focused on crap my significant other wanted from me other than focusing on healing my newly recovering, broken, drunk ass, I cannot tell you how pissed I would be. I do see the value in an exercise about things you want in the relationship. It would have been better if your therapist stated what you wanted in "A" relationship/marriage so as to not make it all about him again. It is telling that you immediately went to focus on negative things about your AH that you would want to change rather than even recognizing how you might want positive things to come into your marriage (and I do understand that you are fed up and don't believe he is or will necessarily change so it's a challenging exercise). Regardless, it is indicative of how much alanon could benefit you. If I'm getting this right, she didn't ask "What are 10 things you would CHANGE about your relationship?" 10 things you value and want in your relationship would be things like Honesty, Trust, Fidelity, Stability....and by listing that out, you would then validate yourself in terms of seeing how worthy you are of being treated that way and then taking ownership to bring about those things in this relationship or in future ones (whatever happens with your marriage). Like Hotrod said...make it about you!

Additionally, I would add my ESH regarding survival of a relationship through the tumultuous early stages of recovery....For a lot of relationships to survive early recovery, sponsors are a MUST. Otherwise the couple just keeps reenacting the same old crap and you have 2 sick people appealing to each other when they really need to each be led/guided by someone who has been in their shoes and is further along in recovery. To be able to say "I love you honey, but this is stuff for your sponsor" is something crucial. Both AA and Alanon work when you work the program....really work them as suggested.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I am surprised to hear that you see the same therapist separately.  The therapists my AH and I saw for marital counseling (4 of them over the years) said that that was a conflct and wouldn't be healthy.  I don't know what your situation is but I worry that because of seeing both of you your therapist has more of an interest in the relationship staying together rather than in what you want personally, which (from what you say) is for your A to move out.  I don't know the details so have no idea if I'm right, but that's one thing that occurred to me.  Sadly my experience with counselors showed me that they mean well but they are not always up to the job.  None of the 4 we saw took alcoholism seriously - they believed my AH when he told them 'it's not a problem, she's just got a hang-up about it' or 'Okay, it was a problem for a while, but I've just decided to stop now.'  They hadn't had any alcoholic-specific training or experience and so they held us back for years with their well-meaning but terrible advice.  That may not be your situation, so you know best!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Greetings Helpangel,

I found it helpful to think about the relationship that I would like to have next - regardless of whether it was with my husband or someone else.

It is, in my experience, difficult to be using the same therapist, especially early on. AH and I shared a therapist who was not that experienced in dealing with relationships affected by alcohol. It was a disaster for me. I kept saying that I needed some space for myself to get better and she kept pointing out that our relationship was unlikely to survive a break of a couple of months. I felt unheard and misunderstood. She even thought that I was showing signs of abuse by sleeping in the spare room, never asking me why I felt the need to do this (i.e. when AH had been drinking and smelt awful for instance). The net result was that my self esteem was gradually getting more and more worn down. I now prefer to trust my own instincts than listen to anyone who has not lived through the madness themselves.

I think that you are being perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. For me the thing that worked best was to take good care of myself, to know that I did not have to make any decisions or do anything on anyone else's timescale apart from my own. I have not recovered from the abuse by any means, but I am doing better. My changes involved shifting my focus away from my husband, and learning to find my own happiness.

BTW, with regards to the negativity, I told my husband that I was not here to share his problems and now I simply walk away when he is trying to off-load onto me. I say 'oh dear,' or 'why don't you go and talk to the doctor?' and the best one for me has been 'I'm sorry I can't help you with that at the moment.'

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with mattie. Its difficult to fully understand  alcoholism without having lived it. Im not sure there is a degree out there that could give you the knowledge and understanding needed to affectively help another human being. Thats the whole point of aa and alanon. The recovery programmes are about the best you can get i think. Well, it makes sense to me. Another factor for me is that aa and alanon are free, this has allowed me to trust the programmes. Its not about making money for an individual or a company, the money side would make me uncomfortable because i would be thinking, does this person really want me to get better or do they want my money for longer. That might be my suspicious mind though. Counselling and therapy arent that widely used where i live so i dont have that much experience with it but i do know alanon and it was all i needed.



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Hi everyone and thank u for your post. Just to clarify about the therapist we live out in the middle of nowhere and many therapist out here don't take insurance an rob u blind $150-200 a hour. We went last yer to separate therapist but could not afford it. We found this therapist that takes our insurance and is through our work so we don't have to pay for it. I was so mad from so much that I probably was blaming the therapist and not thinking clear. I understand she wants me to think about me. Yesterday my ah and I had a talk and I told him how I was feeling it was really hard because he does self pity so much but he heard me and said he was sorry and he said he doesn't even see our reaction when he is so grumpy or ranting but he knows and told the therapist that u am spent with all the chaos. I was honest that I just can't handle it anymore and didn't know where we were. I said I don't want to talk about it and just want to relax and enjoy his good mood. The whole night he didn't say one negative thing and we just watch tv. It was nice I told him this is what I need more days/ nights like this. He said what do u mean and I told him he didn't say anything negative or get mad at something the while night. So now I'm confused. Can he do this? Can we be healthy together?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Good work helpangel Being honest and keeping the focus on ourselves works.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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HI helpangel,

In response to your last question, only time will tell. Many people can be nice for a night, for a week, maybe longer. But if they have problems that are making them not nice, it will come through. Believe me, I have tried being "nice" when I something is bugging me, or a deep-rooted problem is showing up in me, but I eventually will turn into an ogre unless I do something about that problem. I'm not an alcoholic, I think this is just human nature, and the nature of denial.

Kenny

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Thanks to both of you btw. I noticed u all always chime in and I am so grateful. I'm just so tired of the ups and downs right now. I'm taking a week off at Easter and I really think that will help me. I just get so tired if being around the bad stuff so much. I have a hard time detaching from it, if I am around it for to long. I am trying. He is trying.. Just rough sometimes. Thank u and God bless both I u and so many others.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I went to I think 3 different therapist while with my ex long term A bf. All three experiences were frustrating like yours. One guy even told me to put a rubber band around my wrist and every time I was obsessing about my A bf's behavior to snap it hard! no I did not do that!!

Only someone who has lived through what your experiencing can understand. In my experience "earth people" people not affected by someone else's drinking usually see the al anon  person as one big fruit loop! Which I'll admit I was during that time!

Therapist are just people too, they very often also have broken marriages, kids on drugs, anger issues or whatever too... they are (supposed to be) simply people who have training in helping us think through things on our own.

Your higher power does however have all the answers,... talk to your higher power- btw he doesn't listen based on what you are doing right or wrong... he listens and he provides directions, peace and hope!  I know this from personal experience! 

Maybe your therapist can help, I'm not saying all therapy is bad. For me, therapy made things worse cuz now someone else was telling me what I could do to cure or control the alcoholism in my life. Through al anon I learned I did not cause it, I can not cure it and I can not control it!

 

 



-- Edited by glad on Sunday 1st of March 2015 09:45:01 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I go to a drug and alcohol therapist. Most therapist and i think
Psychologist are not even trained. I think it was about money,
insurance Not covering those services. Hopefully now a days
with all the addictions out there it isnt still a specialty profession.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Another thought on the topic helpangel. In order for this relationship to grow and become a partnership, it is extremely important that you both work a program of recovery such as AA and alanon . .
He shouuld work the steps in AA with a sponsor and we in alanon must work the Steps in order to uncover the many destructive tools we use to sabotage the relationship as well
Please keep attending meetings as well as therapy

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Betty is right.

I wish my ah had a sponsor and worked the steps.
My ah attends meetings but is a dry drunk in behaviors
And thoughts. He is doing it his way, he loves to help
Others just not himself or his marriage. The addict
In him is running the show.

I keep working on myself. I can not help or change
Him only he can. Yes i too have dysfunction and i
Had unhealthy coping skills. I needed to dig down
Deep into myself to change and grow. Alanon
Teaches us those tools.




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