The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Confused about what I think and what I want, and hoping that writing about it will help.
I have been working on a thesis for several years now. I have picked it up during good times (and when my department started to fuss) and have dropped it even more.
I have not worked on it because of things going on in my life in connection to my AW. Whenever there was a crisis, I dealt with it, and put my thesis aside. When she was drinking away her income, I put it aside and worked more jobs to pay the bills. When I couldn't count on her to help with the household tasks, I put it aside to clean, do laundry, cook, etc. When the grass got knee-high, I put it aside to spend hours whacking it down to the point a lawnmower could tackle it. When I would go back to it, she always wanted to help, and I gave her copies to read. When she was in a good place, she was a great editor. When she was in a bad place (most often) I would put the thesis aside while I waited for her to finish reading and commenting, and miss my deadlines waiting. I wonder, sometimes, if some part of her didn't want me to finish my thesis, and if she actively tried to create situations that would prevent me from doing it. That might be reading too much into an alcoholic's behavior, though. In any case, it doesn't change anything about the situation.
This fall, my adviser and I agreed that this was my final year, that I had 9 months to wrap it up or leave it unfinished. I was on track with the first 2 chapters, late with the last 2 (more hefty edits based on feedback form the first 2 chapters). My wife read the first chapter and gave me great and timely feedback. She started the second, but her feedback didn't come until 2 weeks after I'd turned it in. I am still waiting on chapter 3 (and 4), and have turned in a full draft of the whole thing on schedule.
My current dilemma is that I have a month to make final edits before I submit my thesis to the committee. I know I can meet this deadline with hard work and dedication, and I am in a good head-space to do that thanks to Al-anon and my work on detaching. But, my wife wants me to give her a copy to read to "help me edit." I do not feel like I am ready to give her a copy, because when I have done this in the past, I have missed my deadlines because I was counting on her to read it and discuss it with me. I cannot miss this deadline, and I am afraid that, by giving her a copy, I will just put myself in the same position I have been in for so many years. Just waiting for her, her not following through.
I told her this morning that I was not ready to give her a copy because I was afraid that she wouldn't get through it in time and that I would miss my deadline because I was waiting for her to read it, because that has happened so many times in the past, and most recently last month. She got upset, called me mean, and said that I need to see how different she is, now that she has been sober for 2 weeks. I need to trust her so she can change and be better, not punish her for past actions.
So, I guess I don't know if I should just print out a copy and give it to her and try to keep my expectations non-existent, or if it is better for me to refuse to give her a copy. I feel like if I gave her a copy, I would just be doing that to keep the peace, not because it is what I want to do. I would rather have the responsibility of this month's writing on my shoulders. So, maybe now is a good time to practice that saying no thing...
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
How about if you give her a copy, and tell her you don't expect her to give you any editing, but welcome any input that she may have. Save the editing for yourself, but she can always take a look.
I suppose the danger would be that she starts getting in your face with it when you tell her she doesn't need to edit it, but stating that you have to have it done by such-and-such date, and that you therefore need to do it yourself.
Or, go ahead and have her edit it, but edit it yourself concurrently. If she doesn't do it, your low expectations will be met, and you will have an edited copy anyway. if she does, then so much the better. From the sounds of it, it's more likely that she won't.
Either way, keeping her from distracting you with alcoholic "stuff" will be necessary, so the detachment, boundaries, etc will be the real key.
The fact that she has been so disruptive and inconsistent over the years is a truth, and not one you have to hide or mitigate (as you have not). After that, it would be completely reasonable for you to be cautious about going through that again. I'd guess that even if you gave her a copy and tried to let go of expectations, you'd still be on edge waiting to see if she read it and gave you comments on time or not.
You don't have to hide the fact that all that disruption was difficult for you. And that you'd rather not risk it again. Maybe she's changed - that will be obvious as the months and years pass. If she had started the change five years ago and had been reliable and responsive for five years, it might be unrealistic of you to worry about her response. But it hasn't been five years. It is perfectly reasonable to think that she might not get the comments to you on time, and that the whole process would be worrisome to you.
In my experience, alcoholics always try to insist that their drinking has no down side and no after effects. But you know and I know that it does. It had a down side when she was drinking; it has after effects in that you are naturally reluctant to risk another situation like that at this important juncture.
Of course she will carry on about how you're not trusting her, etc etc. Like she's saying "Take it back that I disappointed you! Take it back that now you don't trust me! I refuse to let you say you don't trust me! I refuse to admit there's any reason for it! I refuse to acknowledge that my drinking has had bad effects on you!"
But you know the reality. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to live by your reality and to take care of yourself. Especially now, at this important point. The fact that she doesn't see that is proof, as I see it, of how early she is in recovery. Someone who had more humility and understanding of the effects of alcoholism would accept your boundary gracefully. Her insisting "I'm in recovery and that should wipe away all problems from my earlier behavior!" shows that her recovery isn't very solid or far along.
-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 27th of February 2015 08:15:59 PM
I agree that this is your Thesis and your deadline Giving her a copy, out of courtesy and without expectations would no doubt work.
I would continue doing the work, making sure to have it completed within the given time frame, without looking for any input from her .
Remember this is your accomplishment , rewarding you for all the hard work and hours of study you put in. Having her "editing " it does not give her the power to assume that she in any way helped you get this important Life achievement .
I would tell her I really appreciated her interest and concern and ability but that this last step had to be taken by you alone.
Congrats skorpi and good luck.
What is wrong with saying no, and sticking with it? Shes messed it up before, she knows that as well as you. I think giving in is tip toeing around her, pacifying her like a child. She can take no, everyone can. She might moan and whine and bitch but so what, thats her problem. In my experience if they dont moan and bitch about one thing then they will about something else anyway, so whats another bitching and moaning session, not that much different from any other. You van remove yourself from ear range of her nonsense every time. The library is a lovely place to go for this kind of task and im sure there are no annoying alcoholics to sabottage you. If i were you it might be more useful to look at what you are scared of.
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 28th of February 2015 06:39:22 AM
One thing my sponsor helped me with...was something I did while living with my AH. He never really was much help with the kids, the chores, going to work, etc. So I lived as though I was single. It really didnt feel much different than the way I was already living. The point is...I did what I needed to do for me and my kids and didnt rely on him for anything. I think you should do what you need to do and ignore your AW and her temper tantrums. 2 weeks sober?? 2 years might mean something.
Thanks, everyone. This really helped. And, the 2 weeks sober ended yesterday, in any case.
El-cee, You asked what I am scared of. I am going to think about that, because the answer is "a whole lot of things," but mostly, I am afraid of not trying my best in any given situation. My definition of "my best" is not realistic, and I need to work on that. The program has really helped me see that my expectations for myself are not realistic, and that I need to be more understanding of myself and more realistic with my expectations for myself. Still working on the how part of that...
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Im sorry she is drinking again Skorpi and I do understand that fear of not doing your best. Im a perfectionist, I became aware of this through working the alanon program, it was surprising to me because my life was mostly unmanageable. I fear being wrong, I hate the thought of giving up and that compels me to cling on to things, people, beliefs for dear life even when it is clearly hurting me. I have a hard time accepting myself too, I always think I can do better, my self talk can be pretty poor, I'm very critical of myself. This all leads to low self esteem and in turn accepting unacceptable behaviour because its tied in with me thinking I deserve it. The good news or fantastic news is this program works by letting us see this and the awareness frees us of its burden, then comes the acceptance of it, im still on that part, and lastly the action part is the working towards letting it go, freeing ourselves of it. Perfectionism is self harm really, mental self harm. There is nothing you can do about your wife, if she drinks, doesnt nope you are powerless but the work you can do on yourself is amazing and maybe never ending.
Sorry Skorpi, el-cee's question truly is an excellent one, I also have found I am a perfectionist so grab onto stuff and don't let go. Or, worse, if I perceive I can't win the situation, I don't participate. That's kept me from doing a lot of things over the y ears, that fear of failure.
Do you feel that you now have your answer to the original post?
I think I do have an answer to my original post. This month needs to be about me and my process, and about me taking responsibility for seeing this to the end. No excuses or drama. I will share a draft with her when I share it with my committee, and there will still be time to make any changes before I submit the final copy to the school.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
