The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am rather new, but starting to get warmed up to the concepts of taking care of myself first. But here is my issue....My daugher is causing my 80 and 74 year old parents grief now.
My 26 year old A daughter convinced them to let her live there while she attended outpatient rehab. She has an empty apartment she's still paying for, but thought this would help her stay sober. She got this apartment after I told her she could not live with me any longer because of the drinking.
Well, surprise she's up to her old tricks again. Stopped going. Lied about still going to meetings. More lying, hiding alcohol, drunk and sleeping all hours. It's taking an emotional toll on them and I said she needs to go back to her apartment.
She is my daughter, not theirs. They should not have to go throught this. So I have the double wammy of feeling responsible for ruining their lives along with dealing with the chaos the A is causing to them and now their pocketbook. How do I stand back and take care of my own issues while I watch this unfolding? Yea, I know they are responsible for themselves, but they are old and I brought this on them.
Anyone else have anything similar they had to deal with?
Will she move out if you ask?how does your parents feel about it? If they want her out and she doesn't go then maybe social services or the police can make her. I think it's difficult to know what to do for the best. They may be ok with her there even if she is drinking.
Welcome Pamala , I do understand your concern and anxiety. Your parents are really responsible for their home and what they will accept. I would not tell them what to do but tell them I would support whatever choice they made.
I would talk to my parents, tell them how I feel and that they do not have to suffer because of this child choices-- offer alanon meetings to them . I would then give them permission to make a choice as to whether or to continue to allow her to live there or not.
Please search our alanon face to face meeting and attend
Aloha Pam thanks for confidence in MIP. Causing me to remember what it was like back then, what happened and what it is like now. One of the descriptions we use to speak of in our groups regarding behaving around the disease was "walking on egg shells". I even saw it at times as walking on broken glass and the descriptions told me that reacting to the disease and the alcoholic/addict contained a lot of confusion and fear. Sure enough hanging around the rooms of Al-Anon I came to understand that one of the largest emotional defects as an enabler was fear and when it ran the alcoholic/addict most always got her way. I learned that I was going to have to do "new" stuff even and in spite of feeling fear while I did it and my sponsor taught me "feel the fear and do the work anyway". The fear didn't kill me and the changes made me feel confident that I could change the things I could for me. We are not about perfection so we do what works to get us progress toward recovery. You and your parents can hold a meeting with your daughter and lovingly tell her to "get out". "Mean what you say...say what you mean...don't say it mean". I loved learning this one program lesson because it was so "not enabling" and I could state my needs with my alcoholic/addicts and get them met without feeling I was going to back up on my decisions.
Your daughter is addicted it sounds like for sure...she isn't dumb. She knows she is addicted and that the addition causes her life threatening problems and does the same for family. She's not dumb or unfeeling...count on that. When I divorced my 19 year old alcoholic/addict son and made "my" statement to him about what it was like living with him and how that affected me and what it was for myself, he had no response to me. He already knew what was going on and would continue to go on from his own choices and now learned that others had the ability and rights not to participate. Course I was (and still am) an Al-Anon member growing in confidence and sanity and serenity back then which was the biggest help/tool I could have ever had.
Do the meeting as you can...tell your daughter your needs as a family and that you will get those needs met with her or without her. Love her out the door. (((((hugs)))))
