The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This seems to be what underpins my serenity, at this point in my life anyway.
It's remembering to be in the NOW.
I forget to do it all the time. I have been overwhelmed with tasks and stresses and worries in recent days and I realised, today, I was so agitated trying to "get through" everything so that I could "arrive" at later on....everything was a dreadful looming chore and inconvenience. So after gritting my teeth and "getting through" another day...go to classes, work, endure the trip home, hang out washing as if it is a form of torture, sigh my way through helping daughter with homework, (she doesn't want to do it so she asks for help and then passively aggressively baits me until I snap and then uses that as an excuse not to do it...she has learnt from the master, LOL) I caught myself cooking dinner (and hating it) and swearing about the fact that I still had to walk the dog before I could "finally relax".
None of those tasks need be painful, except that it is my habit to focus on the negatives of any "duty" I have and only look forward to "relax" time (which really is usually disappointing to be honest). If I endure the 90% of my life then I get to "enjoy" this 10% where I watch TV, read a book or play on the internet. I question my own values, really I do.
Anyway it dawned on me as I was cooking that I could stop fighting and enjoy it. Cooking isn't that awful; once upon a time I loved it and did it for a living. Is walking the dog so horrific? Really? We ended up finding a river not far from home, complete with a 1 hour walk to a waterfall. I decided, why not, it's summer, we still had a few hours of light left after dinner. It was freaking lovely. Except when the dog spotted a wallaby and took off after it. It reminded me that we are still close to the country, our medium sized town is just on the outskirts of rural living really, and walking the dog is a marvelous chance to reconnect with the wide open spaces and waterways that I love. I COULD see it as an opportunity to explore. Why are classes a chore when I have been itching to get back to university for so long and love being amongst people and learning new things and the wicked debates that take place in my place of learning? And lets not even get into hating the 1 hour train ride. Seriously? It's a big comfortable old country train and 2 hours a day I get to just read a book and sip a coffee and watch the country turn into the city on the way there and vice versa on the way back...what's not to love?
It's strange that my programming is to rush through all of the parts of my day to get to the "good bit" which involves sitting inside and staring at a screen for the most part. So I am on a mission to remember to appreciate the "good bits" of everything I do, because there are many.
So I am committing to do a gratitude list not once a day but, every time I catch myself sliding back into the funk. And remind myself to live in the now!! That's how I am going to tackle my current negative, rushed and agitated mindset.
Right now, I am grateful for my huge bedroom. I love having a big room, it fits my huge desk, bookshelves, bed, and wardrobe with a big open space in the middle. I love having polished floorboards and high ceilings and a huge ornate window that lets in a constant cool breeze and billowing curtains, this is without a doubt the nicest bedroom I have ever had. It as a very romantic feel to it and I feel very creative in here.
I am grateful to have been able to pick up my university studies again after abandoning them in favour of obsessing about my A and being a shut-in. There is a lot of work ahead of me but it's fascinating stuff that I love and I am not going to obsess about when I will finish or if something will stop me again (this is my 3rd "going back" to the same degree, the first time I had to stop because daughter was ill for a couple of years and required full time care, the second time I just gave up because it was easier to focus on A and his issues). Instead I am just going to enjoy what I learn as I learn it. I can't control the future, maybe I will be halted again, maybe I will halt myself again. But right here and now I can enjoy learning and get some more units under my belt. Never mind the destination, how about enjoying the journey?
I am grateful that I have learned, to an extent, to detach. Just recently certain problematic people have been doing everything in their power to push my buttons, most notably my ex, who after refusing to contribute a cent to his daughter's high school costs has now taken to weird texts, stupid games and demands, he even demands I give him the password for the school website where my account is held and where I pay her fees and costs, they report to me on absences, and other pertinent information such as emails from her teachers. Private communication between her school teachers and myself and he demands to have access to it?. And weird situations like, next weekend he is going away and won't be able to have daughter for "his" weekend so, he expects me to "compensate him" by taking her to him 3 weekends in a row afterwards. OK I'm including bad info in my gratitude is but, this nonsense would have sent me into a blind rage 2 years ago. Now I read these texts, raise my eyebrows, mutter "you must be joking" and don't respond. That's a real freedom for me, the freedom to not react and then be a victim of my own reactions. I'm grateful for it. It's irritating, slightly amusing, and that's the end of it.
Anyway that's the beginning of picking up the program (again) for me. Being grateful and in the NOW.
Thanks for reading.
(((everyone))))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I have read most of that book milkwood, about a year ago. It resonated deeply with me. I never did complete it, it lives in the pile of "books I must finish" on my desk. Now there would be something not quite right about saying "But I intend to finish reading it one day" wouldn't there??? lol!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Dear Ms. M. Thank you for this posting. Being able to stay in the present moment is a true gift of Al-Anon. Making a gratitude list and an asset list daily was my first step in getting to appreciate who I was as a person, and to the restoring of my self-esteem and self-worth, I am glad that you are committed to doing this as well.
One of the program readings suggests that the only time, true change can occur is when we are in the present moment. That being in the present moment, means that Ihave let go of all thoughts of the past, and projections to the future and remain where my feet are, coping with, and responding to whatever is going on around me. This is when I can hear the still small voice within and respond differently without any baggage.
I am glad that you are going to pick up this tool once again
Great read Melly! I needed to read that and others responses.
Basically get out of my head and enjoy what i have which is
A lot. I have two jobs, place to live for awhile, friends,alanon,
MIP and a good little kitty for company.
MY HP holds my hand But i need to walk thru my own pain
in my own time. It is painful but needed for my growth And
recovery.
When I went back to school mel to finish the 3 classes I needed to obtain licensure in my field, I found I actually enjoyed it and it was not that big a deal doing it and working full time. I had dreaded it for so long thinking I could never do it. For like 10 years or more I wrote it off as impossible for me to do more grad school stuff while working and then doing 2 years supervision documented and then passing a difficult licensure exam...When the ball got rolling, it kept rolling this time because the program allowed me to move forward in a steady fashion like never before. I think you are about to shock yourself with what you are capable of now without all the toxic distractions. Look forward to watching you grow! And I'm not just talking about finances and stuff...It's all areas.
Pink, I had completed 20 of 56 units in my degree a few years ago, with the final 14 units being a sort of intern deal. My degree is 4 years full time and was previously 4.5 years. So I felt I was almost half way there. Since then they have completely changed the degree, had it re-acreditted and discarded many units I have already done. I now find, I have completed 7 units of 40, basically a single semester. It's pretty big humble pie to eat and it has come about because I stop-started and didn't respond when I was asked to go to "transition" meetings to have my units accredited etc during the past few years. This is the equivalent of not opening my mail for years or not paying my fines. The result is, I am almost starting out fresh. I do have a lot of mixed feelings about this and some of the units I am doing are re-hashed versions of units I have already completed. It's sort of like starting high school again. In some classes I am back in 101 and being "introduced to tertiary study". It isn't pleasant but I can knock this over in 24 months if I remain dedicated and do summer and winter school. On the bright side I have completed the most difficult science units and they still stand. Part of me is fighting like crazy, how can I be back in my first year after all of that work? The better part of me says, shush. It's 2 years and you have already done half of it. What is 2 years really?
What is ironic is that I am back in a 101 subject called "psychology and counselling theory" when I have already completed the second and third year counselling units. And we are discussing addiction and domestic violence. It is like groundhog day. Also I am doing a subject called "philosophy of medicine" and yesterday we spent the entire 3 hour class discussing a paper that suggests that alcohol brings about the same hormones as "being in love" therefore alcoholism comes about due to a need to feel love and discussing how we can understand that in relation to alcoholic clients. I did find that interesting and at the same time, hello, can I have a week off from alcoholism? lol.
Anyway officially I am just starting out again. I feel sick about this, like that stupid Adam Sandler movie where he starts again at primary school. I can take it or leave it.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I am probably being a pushy know-it-all here, but I teach in a program that has had that kind of transition, and in our program there are people who have come back after a big gap, not having finished everything the first time around. There's a provision for them - people who started before 1994 have certain requirements, people who started before 2001 have certain requirements, and people who have started more recently have a third set of requirements. At this point there are almost no people who started before 1994, so some advisors don't even have that on their radar.
My point is that I'm wondering if there are simialr provisions buried somewhere in your program and only one advisor tucked away in a back office remembers them.
Just in case it would save you a lot of time. There may not be. But our program had to make sure to have them.
Also - wallabies! Think how many people pay thousands of dollars to come and see wallabies! If I had wallabies in my neighborhood I'd buy a dog just so I could walk him and see wallabies, lol! Wow, you have wallabies.
lol Mattie.
If people really want to come and see wallabies, I can turn my lounge into a bed and breakfast and my financial worries are over. Who on MIP wants to come to Australia and see Wallabies??? Black goo on Toast for breakfast at 10am guaranteed!
In all seriousness I have argued with them about the transition until my head almost exploded. Only a few universities offer my course and, they are greedy and cash in on it. I can choose to do it or not. There is a better college that offers a diploma degree and will recognise all of the study I have done, I could be finished in 12 months. But I don't want a diploma, I want my bachelor. I can possibly do the diploma there and then they will have recognised my former studies and then I can take all of my units and finish the bachelor with that accreditation, does that make sense? Then all of my study is recognised. That would probably be the smart way to do it.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
