The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I loved the reading in the C2C today. It talks about the shame that is buried deep within. This old shame is based on mistakes we've made, where we beat ourselves up for not being perfect.. This reading points out that we are human and that with alanon tools we can make amends for any harm. we might have done, then change our behavior and attitudes. This way we won't repeat the same errors and that this is how we learn and grow. Feeling shame for being human is a complete waste of time.
The reading also points out that shame is an excuse to hate ourselves for something we did or didn't do in the past. And that the shame filled mind has no room to accept the fact that human beings are bound to make mistakes. Thank God for Al-Anon pointing the way to shed shame .
I love the quote from Elizabeth Kubler-- Ross "the ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well."
I would like to modify that quote into stating:" the ultimate lesson we all need to learn is the acceptance and unconditional love of ourselves, because then we will be able to love others unconditionally."
That is what happened for me when I worked the steps and finally got to know myself, and shed the destructive attitudes that lived within
Please share your thoughts on this topic. Thank you
Thanks for posting this Betty.
Not least because I have misplaced my C2C!!!!
Shame must be the most debilitating factor in my life. For me it manifests mostly in my reactions.
Someone might behave towards me in a way that is cruel, aggressive or unjust (or I might perceive it that way). I then become so upset at my inability to communicate "how it really is" to them that I react with rage or simply bizarre behaviour because for most of my life I had no idea how to communicate boundaries or anger. Then I would feel ashamed of my uncontrolled reaction and become very despondent about it. It's still a problem for me and causes me many setbacks. Just the other day I drove by an old friend's house from many, many years ago. We had once been close friends but some 15 years have elapsed since we last spoke. Later, I sent him a friendly"hey, how are you" message . He responded immediately and with a lot of very nasty sarcasm. It was very rude and unkind and I was a bit shocked. I fired back, and then later sent an apology, and an explanation, then spent a few days feeling ashamed and weird about it. It's likely that I will never again in my life see this person yet for days I could not stop feeling ashamed over my hurt and angry reaction. It's still bugging me. This sort of feeling is unbearable to me and in the past would send me into a spiral of strange behaviours to try to "fix" the thing I felt ashamed about (making it worse).
I do now know to just stop and drop the rope, and also to ask my HP to wrap arms around me and keep me close while I move through the awful embarrassed feelings. I look forward to developing better tools to deal with this kind of shame because I find it really painful.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks for your thoughts and honesty Ms.M You are not alone and are on the way to letting go of this destructive tool. Your gratitude and asset list will help.
