The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
it's been 2 years and i get anxious and very sad when I envision him having sex with the another woman. we have gotten back together but I still dont trust him even though he is working very hard in AA, doing the steps and all. he has been sober for 1 year and is trying to change. i support him and congrtaualte him but I feel really down when I think about how he lied and cheated on me.
Thats hard to work around. You need complete transparency, answer
All questions whenever asked, total honesty, remorse and repentance.
Those are all very tough for an A or a cheater. Cheaters are entitled
People, they believe they deserve to cheat.
Once the faith,trust and bond is broken it is extremely hard to repair.
They say it can be done but it is a very painful journey to healing the
Marriage. It takes a lot of hard work.
Do you attend face to face Meetings? They will help you heal yourself
For yourself regardless of what your ah is doing or has done.
I am probably not the best one to answer my ah is dry but has an
AA gf he lives with and we are getting divorced. My ah does not work
His AA program he just attends.
Welcome to MIP lab lover. I am happy to see that you found us and have reached out. It is wonderful that your husband is working on his recovery in AA and I do hope that you have found Al-Anon face-to-face meetings as well.
To answer your questions will the feeling ever go away? My experience is that that I was unable to let go of the feelings of betrayal and lack of trust until I entered Al-Anon and began to use the tools.
Getting a sponsor and learning how to trust this person was a huge step for me in learning how to trustonce again. Working the steps with this sponsor lead me to developing a trust in a God of my understanding and restored my faith and trust in myself. It was then that I could process my spouse's betrayal, and finally let go and move on.
Al-Anon is a powerful program for those of us affected by this disease. I urge you to keep coming back and work the program. You are worth it.
This is subject to my own need for the Al-Anon Family Groups and recovery and was when I first started to approach the recovery that is spoken to in the rooms and in MIP. Affairs were a "deal breaker" for me...the deal being the marriage agreement and intention. My alcoholic/addict had affairs...as a result I contacted a STD...there is nothing in rational and good thinking that makes that sane. I wasn't husband to being treated and affected that way and that wasn't my moral make up. My alcoholic/addict had sex with the people she drank and used with and while at the start I was one of those getting the STD and putting up with continued infidelity wasn't what I intended or did. I accepted that my alcoholic/addict wife did and would continue to have sex with those she used and drank with and I left with understanding and acceptance of that part of the disease. Because alcoholism and drug addiction alters mind, mood and behaviors infidelity is almost a given.
I accepted the affairs so that the acceptance would allow me to no longer be afraid, be angry, judgmental and shaming...I accepted the fact of them not the morality. Affairs outside of the marriage contract is not acceptable. (((((hugs)))))
I accepted the affairs so that the acceptance would allow me to no longer be afraid, be angry, judgmental and shaming...I accepted the fact of them not the morality. Affairs outside of the marriage contract is not acceptable. (((((hugs)))))
Jerry, thanks for such a meaningful way of putting this. Forgiveness is such a hard thing, and the acceptance of it happening, but not the acceptance of the morality, to me is huge. I have come to the conclusion, with Al Anon's help and with my own general life experience pre-al-anon, that forgiveness, does a lot more fore me than it does for the sinner/oppressor/whatever you want to call them. And it is necessary for me. Sometimes the other party will NEVER change their mind and see it is as a transgression, but I still need to have my serenity, so that acceptance is a necessity.
you all really helped me with your helpful comments. I will re-read them often.
I attend face-to-face alanon meetings every week. And I feel so much better after I leave. so much commonality and understanding and love.
my AH is working hard in his progream and I need to continure to work hard in mine. it truly helps with my anxiety.
talk to you later :)
