The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He was drunk. At work. (He's been hiding it from me again, which is a whole different story.)
I am beside myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know how we'll make ends meet now. I don't know how he'll get a new job. And I sure as heck don't know how I will deal with him at home.
Welcome to Miracles In Progress board B...Sorry with you and sad and angry with you also. Been there, Done that to some extent myself. My alcoholic/addict wife would loose work when she got hurt or missing because of her drinking and using and then I got so sick of concern and worry that my own work and total life was affected. Most of this membership is also connected to the Al-Anon Family Groups which exist for those affected by someone else's alcoholic drinking and using. The Hot Line number will be in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that and find out where and when we get together in your area. Al-Anon is world wide so you are not alone especially from other who don't understand where you are at right now. We know.
The first step of our 12 steps was very calming for me when I first got it. 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol....and that our lives had become unmanageable. Coming to understand admit that I was powerless actually calmed me down and helped me to stop fighting that which would continue to take me down each and every time. I could rationalize the unmanageability better because there was always the drama and trauma of the consequences of alcoholic drinking and drug addiction. There are more members coming to your aid here...stick around...keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Dear hockey mom, I'm so sorry to hear this bad news and would like to assure you that you are not alone. You did the best thing you could at this moment, you came here and shared and made a healthy connection rather than living in isolation.
I know you have reached out to Al-Anon meetings, and I do hope you picked up some literature. I found at times when I'm angry, sad unhappy, if I pick up the literatureand begin to read all of a sudden, I feel better. I know loss of a job feels overwhelming, but I assure you, that you will be taking care of and that HP has a plan.
Attending meetings, keeping the focus on yourself, working the steps, getting a sponsor will help to lead you in the right direction.
My af has been unemployed for months...most of the time he has been drinking. I am so sick of coming home to a drunk. tonight I told him he could sleep in the spare room if he's been drinking. I honestly dont know what else to do. I.am new to al anon and seeing if it helps me deal with things better. Good luck to you :)
That is a start Shealah...hearing myself stand up for myself was encouraging and staying with the program and learning more as I continue to go continues to help me grow. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Hockey mom keep embracing your face to face meetings
To help you cope and get the support you need. We all need
To heal on the inside out. Learn self care,self love and self
Acceptance. Handing over your will to your HP is very freeing.
You will stop trying to force solutions. One foot in front of the
other,the next best thing, do your part. Thats all you can
Do except keep going to alanon ftf meetings for you. We are
All a work in progress.
I read your old post most of us have had problems in our past.
You need to forgive yourself and move on with the help of
Your HP. The steps help greatly with your healing and growing.
Also At ftf mtg you can find a sponsor to help you on your
Journey.
<--- holding out my hand to you. I have been there and im dtill there. I know that whirling tornado of worries,fear and anger. One of the Alanon tools I used was to repeat"FIRST THINGS FIRST" and take a deep breath
Next I suggest that make a list of bare expenses, income avaiable,savings, etc and then explore what aid is available to you via the goventment and other social services etc. You would be surprised what help is available.
Then be good to yourself,You didnt CAUSE Alcoholism,You cant CHANGE it, You cant CURE it.
read the board hee,we are here for u. face to face meetings help so much too
My A kept losing jobs for turning up drunk too. Then he would have a period of unemployment, drink at home and gamble, borrow huge amounts of money from me and always, always, we were only allowed to talk about what he "was going to do". He was always going to get work, or make a good deal, or get good at gambling, or something. He was always "going to" so it was forbidden to question him. I got further and further into debt.
When I look back, it's sort of like I was riding around in a sinking boat with a child manning the sails. He obviously had no idea of what he was doing and was in serious trouble but I just kept allowing him to sail us further out to sea and further under water because I wanted to pretend he was a capable man.
Hockeymum, it's OK to take control of the ship. You'll be really amazed by what you can do.
Waiting and hoping for an active alcoholic to get and lose jobs is no way to live.
I bet you have a lot of things you could do to make you self-sufficient. What are they? I'm just finding out myself and, it isn't that bad.
(((Hockeymum)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
My wife has been out of work for a year now. I have found that being sure that I have a stable income really made a difference - financially and for my own self-worth. I was able to change my position at a job where I was well respected from full time to part-time, as many hours as I want, when I moved on to a new and better position (with health insurance and a retirement account!)
Throughout our marriage, she is always talking about what she is going to do, or what she wants to do. Looking back and being honest, when she moved in, she was unemployed and being evicted from her apartment. I was in a good financial place, even as a grad student. I tried to help her clean up her credit, encouraged her to make the career and education moves she wanted to make, and what I ended up with was needing to file for bankruptcy, a second mortgage, unpaid bills in my name, unpaid property taxes, and never knowing if I was going to have a working vehicle or enough gas to get myself the 45 minutes to work.
Taking control is the only way that I know that I will be ok. And, once I worked out a plan that my wife couldn't mess up (because she didn't have access to the funds or know about the plan), I have been amazed at the financial stability that comes with it.
There are resources out there that will help. I visit our local mobile food pantry every month, and the difference that makes is amazing. Not having to worry about food security means that I can take a whole problem off my list of things to worry about. It was really hard for me to stand in line and walk through the door the first time, but the volunteers really want to help, and I really need the help right now. I came to the conclusion for myself that admitted that I needed help and asking for the help I needed was a much stronger thing to do than being weighted down by worry or fear.
(((hugs)))
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
My boyfriend lost his job after an alcoholic binge a few days after I was declared medically unable to work. We have 5kids, was paying an almost $600 car note, various credit cards & of course all the other home bills. Every day I worried, knowing I wasn't able to just go out and work and what did he do-every day he drank-oh and smoked weed so even trying to get a job when he was going through his sober time was not feasible. I can't even begin to tell u how I made it but somewhere between the repossession of one car & having to sell the paid for car to get school uniforms(couldn't afford to keep insurance anyway) I decided I could do BAD by myself. Went through that for about a year until I got disability. I look back and think only by the grace of God did my kids and I make it. Community organizations, Church's, friends, family helped me barely keep my head above water but I had to cut things I didn't even know could be cut lol. And during this time I had several major surgeries, one of which was life threatening, I had to have a home health nurse and my sister moved from Vegas to help me cause I had 2toddlers at home. Eventually things got better. I'm currently back with my ab and he's had a slip up. I've forgiven him for that period of time but I'll never forget it. All I know to say is keep ur head up and never underestimate how strong u are, it might seem like trivial words right now but looking back on that period of time I can say that what I thought were my weakest moments were really my strongest. Good luck to you 💜
Thank you all, so much for your support. I cannot verbalize how much I appreciate it!
Because of his job loss, and DUI (which just was revealed to me and plays a part in this...)
I need some help. I am thinking of asking him to go to rehab. Years ago, I left him over his drinking and his dad agreed to pay for rehab. (Of course, I went back with him and then lied to my friends and family that he was better. I didn't want them to hate him more than they did.)
I have, however, never hid his drinking from his family. And his dads offer still stands.
Do I sit him down and make him go?
We are a single income family. His. I stay at home with the kids. (Or at least I did...)
Now? I have no idea what to do. We can't afford for him to go to rehab. But I hit the realization that the only way we can financially afford him not to go? Is if something horrible happens and we are collecting life insurance. (Because he will drink himself to death - I am realizing that now.)
I am so unbelievably scared.
Im sorry Hockeymom, I do understand, my ex would loose jobs too due to his alcoholism directly or indirectly. I learned fast that I couldn't depend on him to support us in any way really. It is scary thinking your fate and your family's fate lie in the hands of a sick person. There is nothing you can do about his disease, he is the one who has to decide to get help and that decision is often made when there is sufficient discomfort on their part. Some people have to lose everything and everyone and even then its not guaranteed that he will get sober. You only have control over your life and your family needs you to get well in order to take care of them properly. I recommend going to the nearest Al-anon meeting, you will get support there from people who truly understand, work on your own recovery, your own self and you will know what to do for the best step by step.Things can improve but only when you make changes and take the first step for you.
I could see asking if he is willing to go to rehab. Making him go is pointless. If after all this pain, he can't see a need to stop drinking, you are dealing with a level of insanity that is currently beyond reason. I know it's hard to step out with lots of young kids, but I back elcee that going to alanon is really the best thing for you. A larger support circle that depends on more than just him will greatly aid you as will all the tools that alanon has to offer for coping.
I have been attending meetings where we live, but I have had to drive 800 miles to pick him up after this ordeal (he was working out of town) and we are on a pitstop at his parents house before we go home.
So I will be attending a meeting here tomorrow.
