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Post Info TOPIC: Alcoholic Temper-tantrum


~*Service Worker*~

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Alcoholic Temper-tantrum


Well, in a not so fantastic start to my day... 

I got up this morning, took care of the pets, made coffee, packed lunches, got breakfast, as usual. Brought my wife coffee and fruit for breakfast in bed, as usual. The dog stepped on her foot in excitement when he saw the fruit (he LOVES oranges!) and woke her up. Well, not a good start. Also, apparently, I should have woken her up earlier because she needs more time in the morning. I reminded her that I am not responsible for waking her up in the morning, and she has got to get herself up. I bring her coffee and fruit to be nice when I have time, but the waking up itself is up to her. We have the same alarm that goes off and stays on all morning, as well as the same "back up alarms" (aka the dogs barking at sunrise to go out).

We were having coffee and talking, and she said that she was going in to her mom's today and tomorrow. (Mom will not be back until mid-March.) OK. I reminded her that she would be in town then three days this week, since she also has to ride in for her medical follow-up appointment after the car accident on Friday. I then asked if she was planning to take the bus to her mom's. And THAT set off the temper tantrum. She yelled that I was being insensitive, that she is so hurt from her accident that I cannot possibly expect her to take the bus and carry her backpack with laptop from the bus stop to her mom's house. She is in pain, and I am being insensitive. She then, still yelling, called my a cold-hearted b!"§# and an A§$)=/&, and many other names I cannot even remember. I was then feeling like I wasn't being nice enough, or good enough, and then reminded myself that it adds A LOT of time to my commute in the morning, and that, unless we leave early, I will likely be late for work and also not able to find a parking spot within a half-mile of where I need to be. (Caveat: I do have a flexible start time, but still need to put in 8 hours, so if I arrive an hour late, I have to stay an hour later...) So, I lost it for a sec and yelled back that if she expects me to drive her to her mom's she has got to get out of bed and get ready, because we need to leave soon. 

Then, I remembered not to 'JADE'  Justify, Argue, Defend,Engage, and when she stopped yelling back at me for a sec, I said, OK. I am going downstairs to get myself ready. Not a perfect moment, but after a return to my old way of dealing with a disagreement (explain the logistics to her and how the situation impacts me and my day; argue with her about the importance of me being present to do my work, and needing to be a reliable employee as the only person in the family with a job presently, etc.) I did stop myself, I did not justify my position, and I walked away from the argument. So, a big step, I think. 

Of course, on the way down the stairs, the dog snatched a cat dish in his mouth and then dropped it. Of course, it fell down the basement steps and shattered on the floor. (Sigh) Thankfully, my Christmas present from my parents was a shop vac, and I was able to clean it up and ensure that no puppies were going to get glass shards in their paws. 

I came back upstairs and did not mention the argument, tried to stay friendly and normal. Asked if she wanted me to pack her lunch, etc. She was short and grumpy. I didn't take the bait. I had her lunch in my hands on the way out the door, and she said I should give it to her "since I have to be all self-sufficient now." OK, probably a good thing, this recognition of the need to take care of herself. When we pulled out of the driveway, she said we needed to go to the library, because her books were overdue and they wouldn't let her renew them online. OK. Lots of slamming doors were involved with that stop. I didn't react or say anything about it. She cried for the next 45 minutes, until I dropped her off. I didn't acknowledge it. 

Now, I know I didn't deal with this situation perfectly. I should not have yelled at her. But here is my question: I have told her many times in the past that name-calling is not acceptable. I have, on very few occasions, called her names in response to her name-calling. I have apologized for this, and I have been very clear that name calling, even if it was normal in her past relationships, is not acceptable behavior because it is not respectful, and I do not want to be in a relationship that is not respectful.

So, how does not JADE-ing fit in here for me? I want her to apologize for the name calling. It really hurts, and she knows it hurts me. It upsets me, and she knows this as well. I don't care about the tantrum, that happens, and it is part of the disease. But the name calling is just not acceptable to me. How do I deal with it when it is part of a tantrum?

I would usually talk to her about the name calling, apologize for yelling and for not being sensitive to her needs and agree to drive her to her mom's whenever she wants. She might or might not apologize for the name calling. She would be totally unaware of the added burden it puts on me to drive her to and from her mom's house, because she "drove me everywhere I need to go for the last year." (Never mind that this driving occurred because she wanted the freedom to have the car during the day while I was at work and did not want to be "stuck." Never mind that she might decide to stay home and leave me to figure out a parking situation, even 5 minutes before I thought we were going out the door, and never mind that, on days when I needed to go between my 2 jobs or go to an off-site meeting and wanted to have the car to make my day easier, I was still waiting for her to pick me up and drop me off because she wanted the car and wanted to be in town.) 

Since I do not want to repeat THAT scenario, I am thinking about just not engaging with her until she apologizes, but that might be setting my expectations too high. Maybe being normally civil? Keeping my tone in check, but not acting as if I am not hurt? I just don't know. At least I still have a few hours to figure it out, lol! confuse



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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



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I just wanted to say that I love how you used some of the new tools you are learning, even though you slipped, you still tried very hard to use the tools. I really admire that and know how hard it can be. I'm still a newbie and there are many here who can help so much. Keep up the good work, this is an amazing place to go for support!

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"I am not afraid to keep on living" G. Way



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I think u did outstanding! Thank you for your comment I act that way toward mine lately too. Do u ever wonder which way is best? Seems like when u do the program way the alcoholics really hate it and try and bait u more. I'm wondering when does it stop :). Good luck too u! Much hugs!!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Its great your trying the alanon tools, they really do work. It takes time to start living the program, it takes a while to sink in and to train your brain to think differently. It was at meetings i really got what it was all about. Sounds like you done well and your willingness to change things comes through in your post.

Your wife sounds like a spoilt brat, her behaviour sounds like a toddlers.alcoholism and immaturity seem to go hand in hand. I would treat her with courtesy and respect because in alanon its about us and our own behaviour, keeping our own head high, no guilt. You did well to not react and mirror her behaviour which would just add to the whole thing. Its ok to validate your feelings. Telling her the name calling is unacceptable  behaviour and you wont accept it but you must be prepared to not engage with her when she does it. Leave the room each and every time. If you keep dojng things for her, rewarding her, then she gets the message you condone her behaviour, she can treat you any way she likes and you will still reward her with the lift, breakfast etc. Its confusing for anyone but if you really want changes then its only you that can change. Weshow people how to treat us and usually words just dont do it, its actions.



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Hi Skorpi.

Im new so my advice and support well take it for what its worth. First of all congrats for seeking help. Thats a very hard thing for folks to do.

You are a gem to bring her breakfast. And care for the pets. My husband has relied on me to be the alarm clock often. I wont do it. He said something to me the other day (the first time since hes gone to rehab) about waking him on Monday for an appointment. I looked at him and said set your alarm he said I just did I told my wife and I said nothing. Guess who got himself up on time? I find being very proactive with things helps.

Sadly I also find that NOT engaging my A in conversation while seeming mean is a much easier way to go. I only answer questions for him.


My take: NOT your job to REMIND her of ANYTHING. Shes an adult. If you had just said thats nice have a nice time. What do you think would have happened? (are questions allowed? I tend to ask them a lot to try to make folks think and start more conversation)

Then you asked her are you taking the bus? what you needed to do was WAIT for her to ASK for a ride. Thats HER JOB. Then you could say yes but we have to leave by 7:45 or whatever.

I get the whole flexible job thing. I can start between 6 and 9:30 and I much prefer to start early but my AH likes me home. Oh well suck it up dear one Im going to set my silent alarm and get up and get going before you even open your eyes.


My response to I cant carry my backpack would be to offer something on wheels.. honey I have a perfectly good wheeled backpack (or small suitcase or whatever) in the closet use that or not my circus not my monkeys (I swear I am getting that tattooed on my arm so I can read it over and over)


You said I want her to apologize for the name calling. I GET THAT so much do I get that. My husbands favorite term for women in general is bitch his favorite term for me is jew bitch and I hate it. I WANT that damn apology. Im not going to get it so I have to just accept that hes a jerk and move on.

NOT engaging until she apologizes will mean NOT engaging. She is not going to apologize. And if you ask her to and she does she doesnt really mean it anyway so whats the point.






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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



~*Service Worker*~

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HI skorpi,

What el-cee said. It's also ok to apologize for your outburst. My wife also somehow put me in the role of being the person to wake her, even before she was A. "I didn't even hear the alarm clock, I don't think it went off. Why didn't you wake me?". Funny, but if I'm away on a business trip she gets up to take our son to school every time. this kind of thing seems to be going away with her recovery.

Setting boundaries is a key. And sticking to them even more key. They shouldn't be mean boundaries, but they are about us, not them. It's about what behavior you think is acceptable, stating it, and then enforcing it.

 

and as far as apologies, I would request it, but keep the expectations low.  You may never get one.  Apologies are in low supply with active alcoholics.  Justification is what is in high supply, she got mad because of something you did, slept poorly, blah blah.  These are things that are definitely also changing with my wife in recovery, I can get an apology out of her now.  Now I have to work on apologizing myself, I'm certainly not a perfect person at all!

You're doing great, keep on keepin' on!

Kenny



-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Tuesday 24th of February 2015 01:56:22 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Skorpi great work in detaching and using your new tools. This is all a process and you did well. I understand the pain that is caused by an others bad behavior. Name-calling was a huge issue for me, until someone reminded me that the names were meaningless. They did not reflect who I was or anything about me. They were just angry words used to try to engage me in a fight.

The person that I spoke to said:" suppose they were calling you a table or chair would that upset you?" Of course not, because you're not a table or chair.

So, just remember you're not any of the names that this person is referring to . Make a daily gratitude and asset list and while the name-calling is going on, Look in your mind at that asset list and remind yourself that this is what you are. That worked for me

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks so much for all the support, everyone.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with elcee. Your wife is really coming across as a manipulative teenager if not pre-teen. Yes, there are ways of being kind, respectful, and setting boundaries, but please try hard to not enable the whining, complaining, dramatics, and consequences of her own actions.

I almost wanted to throw up hearing about her whining about her injuries from an accident where she was drunk and totaled your guys' car. Then again, chunks were rising in my throat reading about her complaining about rides to her mom the same way a preteen girl would whine cry and manipulate to get a ride to her friend's house despite it being completely inconvenient, unnecessary, and taxing to the parent. It may feel cruel to not give in. It may seem not empathic, but dang...it's sort of demeaning to her to let it go on also. This disease is so challenging. I understand wanting to be nice and avoid all that drama, but I also see a need to not enable and reinforce theatrics, manipulation, and immaturity.

I personally think some amount of anger is okay to tolerate but, for me it needs to be followed with an apology really quickly or I will not have a person like that in my life. Childish tantrums and such are not acceptable from a grown person on a regular basis. The name calling - Well, I can only suggest an immediate response that is detached "Name calling is unacceptable" then walk away...period....and do it every time. Don't listen to the justifications, crying, and BS where she tries to get into your head and explain how she is actually right to be calling you these names "Unacceptable" and then disengage. You could bring it up tonight if you wanted by stating "I am not going to argue about this, but am stating, I will not tolerate being called foul names in this marriage. When you do that, you leave me no choice but to get away from the verbal abuse and then neither of us is getting what we want. I will immediately walk away and disengage when you verbally abuse me."

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pinkchip wrote:
"Name calling is unacceptable" then walk away...period....and do it every time.

 

 

THIS is what I do.  I am HOPING with time he will learn (much like a toddler or dog learns) that bad behavior will not be rewarded.  



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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



~*Service Worker*~

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One of the earliest things I learned in Al Anon is how, over the years, I had come to accept unacceptable behavior. It is a common meeting topic, and when i first saw it, I didn't really know what I was getting into, but when the shares started, my eyes got opened! My marriage hadn't been god for quite a while, so I was always on the defensive, and much more worried about *my* unacceptable behavior. But when I realized that I was putting up with her being drunk, yelling in the grocery store if I wouldn't buy her wine, etc, I realize how far *I* had come in regards to accepting unacceptable behavior.

Kenny

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It gets wider and wider each time kenny. I feel the same, i lost sight of what was acceptable and not acceptable. My life truly did become unmanageable. My own behaviour had also became unacceptable. I enabled to a really bad extent too. I became like a bit of a puppet people pleaser type of person with no real limits to which i wouldnt go to try to keep peace or pretend we were all just this normal family. Lol. Well, no, we were not a normal family, we were all behaving unacceptably in order to cope or survive. It was all pretence and very fragile because it was like that jenga game where one false move and the whole denial came crashing down. I tried for years to stop that but when it did it brought its own freedoms and relief. It takes less energy to live in reality.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi and welcome. I left my AH last March. I used to do similar things, too. I would bring him coffee and be his own personal alarm clock for 1-2 hours sometimes because he couldnt wake up. I began to realize I was married to a child, not an adult. I hate name calling, too. I used to think an apology would help after being called names, but I started realizing the apologies were forced and they didnt help after awhile. I have learned over time that a marriage shouldnt be full of chaos and fighting. A marriage should be pretty peaceful and have mutual respect. 

If I ever had breakfast in bed from my husband, I would have been in shock. Only my kids have given me breakfast in bed.

In my opinion, you are being too nice. its ok to be polite, but try not to cater to her. For me, requesting constant apologies was futile and didnt help. I didnt think the behavior should have happened to begin with, so I decided not to live with it anymore.

It sounds like you are handling your situation the best you can. keep coming back.



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 24th of February 2015 04:42:57 PM

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Living life one step at a time



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Good post and lots of ESH flowing...I know because it gets my recovery memories flowing and I'm grateful for what I learned on the journey.  One of the things I learned is that I am responsible for me and I had to learn how to be responsible.  In one of my conversations with my sponsor I told him I had made a mistake getting involved with and marrying my alcoholic/addict wife and partner.   His response was, "It is your responsibility to correct your mistakes".  There was nothing in that which said "to correct your alcoholic/addict".   It was and is my responsibility to "change the things I can" which for me today means my, thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors.  We use to talk a joke about the enabler dying and going to heaven and during the explanation on how they had lived their life...kept bringing up the name and behaviors of their alcoholic.  After the story was done...their HP told them that they had to go back to earth to live only their life over.   I was trying to live two lives at that time with the major focus being on my alcoholic/addicts life.  I realized that her name didn't come on a list of things to do when I was born myself and purely a bad choice.   I agreed to take on a job I wasn't qualified for and then I stopped.   One of the best slogans my sponsor left me with is "Don't React".  His name was Don T  so remembering the slogan is an easy one for me.  I practice that daily and others in my life get to be responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors.  That is how its supposed to be.   (((((hugs))))) smile 



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Thanks so much, everyone! This has been so helpful to me.
I did decide to apologize for losing my temper and yelling, and explained that I was apologizing because that behavior was unacceptable. She thanked me for my apology and agreed that me losing my temper and yelling was unacceptable. Then, she spent the remainder of our commute home looking out the side passenger window and trying to bait me into a fight. I didn't respond with any explanations or justifications, and did not engage with these topics, so that was helpful. I am thankful for the reminder from Kenny to keep my expectations low, so I wasn't disappointed that she didn't apologize for her own unacceptable behavior.

I also had a chance to put to use what Betty said about being called a chair or table when we got home. I was informed that I was "being mean" and "acting like an ass." I replaced mean with chair and ass with table and repeated the statements to myself in my head. (You are being like a chair. You are acting like a table. I won't be int he kitchen with you when you are acting so much like a toolbox.) Made it much easier to cope.

Despite the fact that things are icy at best at home, I am much more calm and I feel much better about myself and my actions. My dogs are also much calmer and working very hard on following directions. (I have 3 permanent dogs and 1 that I share with my parents, so I have 4 of my "boys" to take care of right now.) They stayed in the basement last night so they didn't have to deal with any of the human emotions or reactions, and they responded really well to my newly found calmness, which helped me be more calm.

This morning, the name calling happened again. I wanted to crumble into a sobbing heap in the corner, but just walked away instead and kept on with my morning routine. I need to work on the "name calling isn't acceptable" line. I will practice saying it out loud to myself so it can come more automatically out of my mouth. I am also apparently not walking the line between self-care and selfishness very well at the moment, the second blow-up of the morning. I didn't engage with that discussion, either. And, honestly, after thinking things over, if my behavior has crossed the line from self-care to selfishness, I am ok with that right now. And, in any case, my intentions are not selfish, and I am not planning on blindly accepting my alcoholic's analysis of my intent or actions as gospel, especially not when she is (maybe) 11 days sober and has decided not to seek help through AA (because the group in town only meets twice a week. Once on the night I am working, and she can't get there because the taxis stop running at 5. The second meeting is a step meeting, and she doesn't want to deal with the steps. Also, the location is "creepy.")

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



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you train dogs. YOU get what an extinction burst is right?

perhaps her multiple blow ups and name calling this morning is the beginnings of an extinction burst? (oh let it be so)


for those that do not know what an extinction burst is:


when you are training a dog to learn a NEW healthy behavior (sit to greet people instead of jumping on them let's say)

you work with them and reward the good and gently correct or ignore the bad.


towards the END of their learning (and it's timetable depends on the dog) they will do the negative behavior more and more... it's a testing to see if they are really going to be MADE to do it the RIGHT way vs the way THEY WANT.


you just have to be strong and continue to be consistent.



I've come to the conclusion that my AH is much like my dogs and children. Since my children are grown and I can't have dogs due to his allergies I will use my dog and child rearing skills on him. After all he's somewhere emotionally between 4 and 12. I have to treat him like the child his brain still is.



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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



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I don't know about associating a metaphor of a dog or other animal or child for the alcoholic/addict.  For me my thinking and perception of reality would suffer.  The alcoholic is suffering from a compulsive disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and they need other than me to help them out when they are willing to get help...so do I when I start thinking of "new and different" ways to control and cure the alcoholic addict.   More meetings and good sponsorship is what worked for me as suggested.  I've never heard the phrase "extinction burst" in a meeting nor the assimilation or metaphor of training a dog or other animal.    Alcoholism is a disease.  It is an AMA defined and categorized incurable, often fatal disease.   My alcoholic wasn't a bad person or the "bitch" I thought her to be before arriving in the rooms of Al-Anon to sit and stay for my own healing.  5 years after the marriage ended and I had stopped trying to "force solutions" , my alcoholic/addict wife got sober and clean in spite of and without my best efforts and in the process my HP gave her to me as the metaphor for humility, being teachable.   She recovered with the support and assistance of other recovering addicts and alcoholics and a Higher Powers...When we last met I could see that God could do for us what I alone or she could do for ourselves.  Our program works...when and if we work it and for me I had to get rid of so much unworkable and insane thinking, feelings and behaviors to see the picture correctly.   We are actually beautiful and loving children of God suffering from a incurable, often fatal disease and we are human.    (((((MIP))))) smile 



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Jerry if we can say that an A is emotionally stagnant at the age they started using I certainly can see that they need to be treated like a child since for all intents and purposes they are children emotionally and mentally.


Raising kids and training dogs is a similar process and it should be... it's all about repetition and consistency... the same thing with our A.



If I demand that my spouse NOT call me the b word for the months of February and March and he gets negative reinforcement from me (I say "that's NOT acceptable language and our conversation is DONE" and I walk away and refuse to engage him in conversation if he calls me names) and then in April he starts calling me the B word so often it would mean that we can't talk for a week or more due to my walking away from the abuse, if i relent and talk to him "just this once" he will know that if he hammers at me he will win.


You have to remain strong when dealing with people (adults and/or children) that don't even know they are testing.... an that's all it is.. it's a way for them to test to see how much they can get away with. Truly it's harder on the person that is doing the "retraining"




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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



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I get what you are talking about ladybug. Just others may flinch at you putting your husband on a behavior mod plan. On the other hand, what you are saying is not too different than the alanon saying/philosophy of "we teach others how to treat us." Be wary of semantics...people will also not get the idea of using terms like "training" because it reeks of contol and is demeaning to an adult who deserves dignity in spite of their disease. I think you are actually talking about boundaries and consistency but terms like extinction and training don't mesh with alanon generally. Not that I have my panties up in a bunch, just letting you know...

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pinkchip wrote:

I get what you are talking about ladybug. Just others may flinch at you putting your husband on a behavior mod plan. On the other hand, what you are saying is not too different than the alanon saying/philosophy of "we teach others how to treat us." Be wary of semantics...people will also not get the idea of using terms like "training" because it reeks of contol and is demeaning to an adult who deserves dignity in spite of their disease. I think you are actually talking about boundaries and consistency but terms like extinction and training don't mesh with alanon generally. Not that I have my panties up in a bunch, just letting you know...


 

pinkchip,
Your clarification is PERFECT... I will work to change  my semantics to use boundaries and consistency because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN. 

thank you for interpreting!

 



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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



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As a former therapist in a Hospital rehab system I used other  methods which worked well.   When I took that therapy method  into different other life management settings it continued to work.  I perceived all of my clients from youngsters to elders to be fully human being and children of God who were for the moment missing some awareness and when they got the awareness did better to much better.    I can say for certain that my clients would always know and feel "how I was treating them"  and when I treated them with courtesy and respect and honor they made the best changes and didn't feel "less than" for it.   I get metaphors.  I listen in pictures and habitually I perform in kind. As I mentioned when I treated my alcoholic/addict wife like she was a "bitch" she felt it and knew it and accepted that she was the way she was because she was a bitch.  She once told me after a particularly hard lesson from me "I deserve that"...I later cried over that experience when looking at how I behaved without knowing.    Coming to love her unconditionally meant accepting her that way...complete and total acceptance with out condition.  Child of God, Woman, wife, mother, daughter, smart, hard worker, humorous and more and...alcoholic/addict.    My St. Bernard, Brandy was the smartest animal I ever had the joy of being around.  He learned orally, visually and silently.  He didn't have the disease of alcoholism to either increase his learning or disability.  He without objection left my relationship when I gave him up.  It seemed almost like he had enough of me.  My alcoholic did the same she didn't learn orally, visually  or silently she went with the disease.    Alcoholics are fully human just like you and I    and    they have a life threatening disease.  Their temper-tantrums are not much different than ours...They can and do have them.

In support.   smile 



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You seem surprised at her behavior, she seems "par for the course" "an alcoholic trying (maybe) to stay away from drinking), a little insane and confusing, I don't try to figure out people who are in recovery or trying to be in recovery or should be in recovery. She knows you from before you decided to change. She is confused with your new way of behavior. You have an excellent boundary to start with "no name calling". Once she learns that you have changed and are serious and don't bend with this boundary, she will figure out eventually that you mean what you say with the next boundary. I hope you "stop" and think about what you really want in this relationship or not, and how you want the rest of your life to look (this is important) At this point she is self-centered and not easy to live with. Keep studying Al-Anon ways and keep coming back. When you change and keep moving forward she will have to make different choices, hopefully for the better. 



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I have the need to share what Al anon, my sponsor and working the steps has done for me. I am now strong enough to not put up with unacceptable behavior. (name calling, childish behavior, etc.) I became strong enough t omleave my AH almost a year ago now. Life hasnt been easy, sure I have my ups and downs, but I dont live in alcoholic chaos anymore!

This is my opinion, and my share, so take what you like and leave the rest. I honestly believe it is impossible to change the A unless they want to change. we can put up boundaries, treat them like we would animals and/or children but they will still act the way they want to act. Why oh why do we al anons put up with it? I am not trying to give advice, but there is more to a relationship than love. I think we get used to the chaos and used to being in a fixing mode. I admit I was a little lost after moving out and living in peace. it was foreign to me. But its NORMAL to live in peace and quiet without an abusive person harrassing me! I have learned after going through two divorces...marriage shouldnt be about chaos and crying and begging for apologies and fighting, etc.

I have learned to trust my HP (God) that I am worthy of love and I deserve better. God loves me, and thats all I need today. he will guide me on my path.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks again everybody. This discussion is so helpful.

My wife was into the name calling again on our drive home last night, so I told her that I did not like it when she calls me names and that I do not think it is acceptable. She did end up apologizing for the name calling in an "I'm only doing this because I have to" way, and she also pointed out that if I wasn't such a b**, I would not force her to resort to yelling and name calling. (And if that doesn't sound like the usual line used by abusers...) Anyway, I told her that it was ok to be mad at me or upset at me, but it was not ok to call me names. Then I stopped discussing the matter with her. Luckily, at this point, we were just a mile away from home, so we had a physical end to the conversation as well.

Sometimes, my relationship totally mystifies me. My first partner passed away when I was in my early 20's, and I was single for a very long time before I met my wife. The two relationships I have had could not be more different, and I know that I deserve, and have experienced, so much better than what I am experiencing now. How I got here sometimes confuses me, but thanks to all of you and Al-Anon, I am finally starting to feel like myself again, and I am remembering that I really like who I am.



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 26th of February 2015 06:51:49 PM

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Great share Skorpi I think that each of my relationships were so different because I had different lesson to learn from each.

I am glad you like yourself  once again.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Senior Member

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well done. good work here. congrats.

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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

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