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Post Info TOPIC: I'm married to a brick wall...


Member

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Posts: 6
Date:
I'm married to a brick wall...


...an inanimate object. Today I realized that I have been asking my AH for the same tiny "courtesies" for 7 years. With no positive results. Shame on me!  Seven years ago he was drinking. I cut him some slack. I realized that he was not capable of doing anything I asked or needed of him. Today he is almost 2 years sober and I am still asking him for those same stupid little common courtesies--like knock before you come in the bathroom.  When I told him that I am still asking for something I ask for 7 years ago. He responded with two things. First, I should tell him what I want/need. What?  Hello!!! I have asked, spelled it out, explained, pleaded and begged With no change. His second response was. "Why because I can't support you the way I used too.."  What??!!  Ahh aha!  Finally we are making some progress, we'll sort of. He had to take a big pay cut with a new job after his old job closed down. His insecurities and inadequacies are showing. Those are his real problems.  He won't adress them. I am so tired. Worn our. Exhausted.  I'm. Leaving. Thanks for listening to me vent. 



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Member

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Posts: 6
Date:

He is the brick wall and I am beating my head against it.



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Senior Member

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Posts: 228
Date:

Hello! I can understand your frustration completely. There is one thing that a very wise person in these rooms helps me to understand with my newly sober (coming up on 11 months) AH. He is immature. That's it. that's all. He hasn't progressed into a mature man yet and that takes some time being sober sometimes even past several years.

I just had an incident yesterday with my AH. He went to see his probation officer as he does weekly. For some reason she has a need to come to my home for a home visit. My Mom says it's because she is just being nosy and trying to get under my skin, you see her and I don't see eye to eye. So anyway, he went ahead and set up an appointment for Thursday at 4 pm. He nor she called to see if that was ok with me. I work from home my office hours are 8-5. So I told my AH that it was rude and inconsiderate. Don't do it again. Of course he pulled the well what do you think I can do I have to do whatever she wants. The answer I told him is no you do not. You tell her I need to see if my wife can be off work at that time, doesn't have a meeting at that time, let me call her now.

Immaturity right now with my sober AH is a tough issue for us. I totally know where you are coming from.



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Linda

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries

Matthew 6:34



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
Date:

Auntrosie i hear you! You can only help yourself.
My ah was a dry a for thirty years he still will not
Face himself or his demons. He wont face his
Upbringing or feelings that made a drunk at 13
years old. His Family dysfunction is very strong.
It truly is a family disease.

The belief is they do not mature past the age they
Started being a drunk. They are emotionally stunted,
Emotionally immature people with poor coping skills.

Those are big stumbling blocks. When they attend
AA they need to totally squash the ego to learn
Humility to become teachable and to grow and learn.
Start to face life as it really is not how they perceive
It to be. It takes brutal honesty and surrender.

I can not see that my ah did any of that by his
Behaviors and actions. Not much i can do about
Him only help myself get better and healthier.




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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2725
Date:

Hi Auntrosie~Guess what? I also have a brick wall spouse! My A continues the same self-destructive behaviors that I tried to fix for 20 years and thank God I have stopped trying. Mirandac is correct-I can only fix myself and by God I'm working really hard and seeing progress. You can do it too-give alanon a good and thorough try, Lyne

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Lyne



Member

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Posts: 7
Date:

Me too! We went to marriage counseling when I turned forty and I've come to realize that nothing has really changed in the last nine years. I am still the be all/end all financially and emotionally. He asked me yesterday to tell him exactly what to do so that he can come back home. Like that would work! He was floored when I was talking about ultimatums in January after not seeing any changes in his behavior after the 100th "coming to Jesus" talk in December. He was even more shocked when I told him to move out a week ago. Thank goodness he is finally seeing a therapist today for help with his depression. I told him that 1 session was probably not going to be it and that there is no quick fix for our relationship or his issues. I have come to realize through Al-Anon that I can not fix him not show him his path. It's hard though.

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