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Hi everyone! I am still lurking around, learning and taking in information and thinking about y'all. I don't respond much because I have been so inconsistent in my program since before Christmas. It is so hard for me to get to a meeting (closest one is an hour away, at noon on weekdays) but that is my problem - I need to find a way! 3 teenagers and a husband who is not of any help...makes it difficult, but not impossible :)
Lately I am being able to detach fairly well, focusing on my HP and trying to focus on MY life instead of obsessing over my AH. What continues to bother me is this shady denial my AH seems to be in. I believe I have said before that AH is a leader in our church, our church does not think highly on drinking. (at least that is what is understood - seems to me many do, they just hide it or lie about it...this is the church my AH grew up in) I have a hard time with my AH and the message he is sending. (to everyone, but most specifically our teenage kids) He acts like he is a normal person yet he comes in reeking of alcohol and his speech is altered, he talks about only things pertaining to himself and "glory days" stories..he rambles on and is paranoid but he REALLY, TRULY believes that we don't tknow that he is drunk! He talks about how he does this and that and what a good guy he is... He is in such denial! I think I would be better able to deal with his illness if he was just open about it! He drinks while he is away from the house, (starting in the morning) but doesn't drink when he gets home. Then he talks about what a great person he is and chastises our kids for having bad attitudes, etc and tells them how, as a teen, he was perfect. Sometimes it is so hard to keep my mouth shut - sometimes I honestly just want to PUKE. He really thinks that we are buying this BS (sorry) life that he is projecting when the true life is slapping us in the face! (not literally) It is maddening!
The denial is so bad that I saw him looking stuff up on the computer about liver disease, NONALCOHOLIC liver disease, when he has been point-blank told by more than one doctor that he has got to stop drinking! (he has alcoholic hepatitis and fatty liver) He really believes, in his mind that alcohol is not what is causing his liver issues! I'm baffled. I'm perplexed. Sadly I see less and less of the person he was 20 years ago. I spend most of my time biting my tongue, faking a smile and not confronting him about anything at all...I'm just ventng here.
I know I need to decide what I want my life to look like and get busy making it what *I* want it to be - I feel so trapped, both literally and figuratively. We live in such a remote place, finding a job and trying to do something different scares me so bad and I'm not sure why! I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I hope this is the year I find myself again.
Thank you for listening to me...and thank you for all of your wisdom and stories...coming here and reading always gives me strength.
I would suggest the online meetings Fairlee. Meetings go on twice a day here and the times are posted on the face page. I'm sad with you about your situation and I have compassion for your husband and the denial he maybe in about whether his liver condition is alcohol or non-alcohol related. Often times to others the problem and the solution are so very clear and then when you take into account the addictive relationship the alcoholic has with the chemical that rational all goes away. In part the AMA definition says that alcoholism is a, "compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body" only one part of the body gets the concern at times; the liver, where actually the very first place it hits is the CNS or Central Nervous System and then every other organ contained in the body. He might be struggling with understanding something he already deeply suspects...he is self poisoning. Being drunk is "being intoxicated" and being intoxicated means "being poisoned" or "under the influence of poison". He knows. He knows and the disease owns him even when he is trying to convince himself that he isn't and just cannot be alcoholic...a man under the influence of alcohol with a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body.
What I learned first off in accepting the Al-Anon version of the program is that the only person I can possibly be responsible for is myself and that I did not and have not caused the disease of alcoholism, I have never been able to control it and I do not have the power to cure it. It is incurable. It can only be arrested by total abstinence and if not arrested will result in insanity and death. Hepatitis....liver hepatitis...his liver hepatitis...his drinking. He knows and he knows that he knows.
Take care of Fairlee and hang on to that Higher Power you have that is more powerful than your alcoholic and his disease. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Dear Fairlee, I'm glad that you've reconnected and shared your concerns and confusion regarding the disease of alcoholism. What you describe is very familiar to me, as my husband and brother both refused to admit their alcoholism while practically on deaths door.
When I attempted to learn all I could about alcoholism, I found that"denial"of the disease is a huge symptom of the disease and that is what enables the problem drinker to continue on this dangerous path unflinchingly.
I know that I also developed the negative tool of denial when I lived with the disease. I pretended things are going to get better, that I was happy, that eventually he would stop without any help.and on and on. Al-Anon was the first place that I learned to get honest enough to look at myself and my motives and discover what I was doing to keep this disease active and well in my life.
Attending meetings, keeping the focus on myself, living one day at a time, and learning to act and not react, all helped me to accept life on life's terms, alcoholism on alcoholism's terms, and take care myself in the process.
Breaking the terrible isolation caused by living in the insanity of alcoholism is extremely important. Although you are unable to attend face-to-face meetings, as Jerry suggests, online meetings here are excellent and they are held two times a day.
Denial appears sneaky...and it is to an extent, but more so it is self protective and allows him to get through the days with a disease that is eroding him more and more all the time. My guess and my experience is that the A lies to self way worse because it would be a mega harsh dose of humility to realise what a broken, poorly functioning, hypocritical, person they are. I had to be totally surounded by and supportrd by AA to get honest with myself, go through those real feelings of brokeness, self-hate, fear, and inadequacy to finally be a healthier and more authentic person. It's sad because up til the moment of clarity (if it ever happens), an alcoholic will lie to themselves and others trying to appear "together" or they just be angry and blaming when real recovery involves the courage to allow oneself to be weak, admit you don't know how to live right, and then have others teach you.
I certainly sympathize with you, I have problems making meetings myself. Don't let that discourage you from posting, in fact, please post more, posting here can be the next best thing to a meeting. If you loook at the combined years of Al Anon experience in the first three people that just responded to you, I'm willing to bet your F2F meeting doesn't have that much experience there.
So keep coming back here and posting, and go to those online meetings!
Someone once told me that if I looked up dishonest in the dictionary the synonym would be alcoholic. Dishonest with themselves and others. I think they really believe this stuff.
This disease is just one big lie. The cure for their pain is the cause of our pain and theirs. I'm sorry for you, for all of us but your in the right spot, keep coming back and vent when you need to, it always helps me to see my story in other peoples lives too. So I don't feel alone. YOU are not alone.
-- Edited by glad on Monday 23rd of February 2015 09:59:17 AM
