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My husband has had a problem with alcohol for a long time. I have been in denial about it until recently. We had been fighting a lot and I started to feel that the alcohol abuse was hurting our family. We have two very little girls and I finally decided that we needed to start addressing our problems. Rob went a few weeks of drinking one or two beers with dinner occasionally. I have never asked him to completely stop drinking although I have encouraged him to do a rehab program or counseling. Last night he drank two beers in front of me and I didn't say anything. When I got up this morning he had put another beer can in the trash can (which he would never do because he is an avid recycler) and he had left a wine glass out that had had a drink in it. I really feel like he was trying to hide the fact that he drank more than I witnessed but that he also wanted me to know about it because he didn't do a very good job covering his tracks. I don't know what to do. Should I talk to him about it or pretend I didn't notice anything? I don't want to to do the wrong thing but I don't want to enable him any more. I am so sad and tired of trying to make him realize that he has a problem and it's hurting me and the kids. I would greatly appreciate any feed back.
I have noticed some of these same traits in my own husband. He makes what may be considered attempts to hide empty beer cans but he stashes them in places where I'm going to find them at some point without even searching for them, like a cupboard I commonly open. I'm not really sure why he does that. I know that alcoholics can be very passive-aggressive at times and it could be their little way of letting us know that they don't like any attempts on our part to limit their alcohol intake and they'll do what they want. Or maybe they're ashamed? Or maybe they're intoxicated enough at that point to think that their efforts will fool us? It's so hard to say.
I have spoken to my husband about it numerous times and he blows me off, but every relationship is different, so I can't really say how it might go for you. Sorry this probably doesn't help much. Good luck, though.
If he has a compulsion problem around alcohol (which would not be surprising, given the evidence you've found), then mentioning it will not have any effect beyond causing him to get defensive. There was one point when my AH (Alcoholic Husband) was blaming his drinking on my mentioning his drinking. One symptom of the disorder is that they try to put the blame on anything outside themselves.
You may know the Al-Anon Three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. This means that explaining the problem to them has no effect. (Those it has an effect on are not alcoholics, if you follow me.)
That said, I personally couldn't keep quiet when I saw outrageous behavior going on. But finally I developed the realistic expectation, with the help of Al-Anon, that my mentioning it wouldn't have any effect on his drinking - it was for me only. Because I felt like I couldn't be party to a whole charade of "Everything is normal here." So I'd say, "I know we have different opinions about your drinking. I feel discouraged and worried when you come home and it seems like you've been drinking. I fear our marriage. Don't bother to discuss it, I really don't want to argue. I'm just calling it like I see it." At first he would bluster and blame and try to pick a fight. Later on he'd just roll his eyes. As I said, nothing I said made any difference. But I felt like I was giving him fair warning. He couldn't say, "She left me because she didn't like my drinking, but she never even told me how she felt!"
The most important thing I did was to get into my own recovery, because being around a drinker sucks everyone into the insanity. Recovery and meetings help give us the tools to make good decisions and to weather the drinker's insanity.
my husband does the same thing,hiding his booze in places i would find them so i wouldnt have to even search for example his socks drawer. the only time i used to search recently was this last 3week event when he drank to poison level,came back on med and then somehow got more which i found and was outraged that he had no sense to drink on meds esp being so cose to death prior.he was taken to rehab last week....again... when i look back months ago before alanon, i have to laugh at how i would try to get rid of the booze, i even in front of him poured it into the washing machine lollol..its kinda amusing.. in a sick way. anyhow,this last incident i was making the bed and found eight pints of vodka in various amounts between the mattresses. my friend said'maybe thats why he said he couldnt sleep...lol
i wanted to trully leave this time but my finances were in the way,couldnt get a hold of some funds i thought i could get
Hi Alma Welcome to Miracles in Progress I can understand your confusion and concerns . Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic disease that affects the drinker spiritually, emotionally and physically. Many of the actions of both the alcoholic and the family members responses seem irrational and unreasonable.
AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and alanon the program for family members.
It is here I learned that this was a disease over which I was powerless. I did not cause it could not control it or cure it The best I could do was help myself to respond in a healthy fashion to the insanity .
Alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to check them out. Here you will break the isolation caused by living in the insanity and develop new tools to live by
You will find that acting and responding to situations is a much better way to live that reacting.
There is hope Just Keep coming back
Aloha Alma welcome to the family. You are qualified to be here so get your chair and sit with us. Okay you know that your spouse is alcoholic and you know that what you have thought, felt and done about it hasn't worked and this is where I reached the point of learning how to stop that steely focus on my alcoholic/addict wife and totally redirect my attention on my self and what I was doing that made the problem worse for me. It got to be rocket science because I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know about the disease and how it was running in our life. I didn't even know what you mentioned in this post. I had to learn how to listen to others in the program and listen for the similarities between their lives and mine before I "got it". My alcoholic/addict wife use to h hide alcohol in perfume bottles, the little ones and when we were out drinking leave the table to go to the ladies room for a more powerful hit. When I found out I was confused as to why she would want to do that rather than just ordering more from the bar like I did and then I learn about how "their" drinking even confuses "them". She could not and would not stop because booze owned her/us until it didn't anymore and at that time we had lost everything. Alcoholism works that way. It is a fatal disease and loosing everything gets to include life itself. We've known it for thousands of years and now you get to break the cycle of it in your life with us. The Al-Anon hotline number I found was in the white pages of my local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area...come listen. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
It comes down to you will never be able to control, cure or even change him. What you can do is get help for your anger, fear and worries and let go of his.
Check your motives then " Say what you mean, mean what you say but never say it mean "
I had to say the sayings below many times to myself when it came to my son.
((( hugs ))) and keep coming back because you are not alone.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Why are we all so afraid of our alcoholic spouses deep inside they make us feel guilty as if it's our fault so to confront them abut it is taboo which makes the hurt we Carrie heaver, Lord help us all!!!!
Hi John I believe we are all afraid because the disease creates" irrational behavior and actions "and we do not know how to deal with the insanity it produces.
Keep coming back . There is a Higher Power who will help us as long we we do our part.
Aloha John...stick around here and in the groups and keep a focus on the promise at the end of the meeting that says, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help"...there is more to that promise and when I first heard it I thought it was the wildest promise ever and then by following thru on "Keep coming back" it becomes our reality. Fear is the primary default emotional character of this disease and the reason is because living in insanity always keeps us in abnormal, unusual, insane, anxious conditions. The last word of our second steps told me that what I would receive when I came to believe in and trusted a Higher Power was sanity and then the rooms taught me the definition of sanity, "A continuous and orderly process of thought". I knew I had never had that while at the same time I wanted it most of all. You can confront the disease anytime you want and the program asks us and teaches us how we want to benefit from it. Before Al-Anon I confronted and it always got worse...after getting in the program and working it I grew from the confrontations because the first point of confrontation was myself....what did I want?, what was I looking for? how did I want it to come out? I can confront and make matters worse and I can confront and grow as a result. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Why are we all so afraid of our alcoholic spouses deep inside they make us feel guilty as if it's our fault so to confront them abut it is taboo which makes the hurt we Carrie heaver, Lord help us all!!!!
It's NOT that I'm AFRAID of him it's about doing what's BEST for our marriage within the confines of what Al-anon says is appropriate. It's so hard for us newbies to figure out WHAT to do.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I agree I just feel she makes me feel anything I do that she does not agree with me with is the cause of her problem, so it's my fault shes an acoholic I know this is not true but it still hurts
this isn't Al Anon Approved Literature, but is very popular amongst many of us, a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Al Anon tools are great, but when I learned about my co-dependency it helped me to understand a little more inside of myself and helped me to apply the tools that much better.
You can get it hard back, in the library, or on Kindle.
My husband does something similar. He'll drink a couple beers openly in front of me, then he goes into the garage to smoke and guzzles his secret stash of vodka. Then he comes back stinking and slurry. Finally he starts staggering and goes to bed.
What do I do? Absolutely nothing these days. I've dragged him out and confronted him and he brushed it off or made an excuse about how long they'd been hidden there. Then he was sober for years and I found a bunch of empty vodka bottles in his trunk. I brought them into the house and left them on the counter for him to see in the morning. I wasn't there to hear his reaction, but I was letting him know I wasn't a fool and still didn't like being with a husband who was actively using. Nowadays there's no doubt he drinks and he doesn't need to hide it because he isn't claiming to be sober. For some reason he'll still drink beer in front of me, then go slug vodka in the garage. I don't say anything. It just causes him to lie and get all upset, then I have a drunk, lying husband to deal with and wish I'd never mentioned it in the first place!
HITM,
You just described my husband...to a tee! Identical from the garage, to the smoking, to the secret vodka, to the decoy beer. Kinda freaky! It helps me not feel so alone or "special".
I am trying my hardest to stop feeling the need to "make it known" that he hasn't fooled me. It's a struggle each and every time, but I try to remember I don't need him to acknowledge, that I am not a fool. I know I'm not.
I don't know if this helps or not, but sometimes it is not to be sneaky or to fool you. It is because they are ashamed of themselves so they do it in isolation and try to hide it even from self in a way. Even when I had nobody to hide the liqour from, I still did some of this behavior. It was almost like I could pretend to myself it wasn't that bad if bottles weren't laying out in the open or having to throw away tons of them in the recycling...and also not being so addicted that I had to drink in front of everyone so do it in the car or in the bathroom or garage. It is a sick and sad disease.
HITM and CoopsMom, welcome to Miracles in Progress, feel free to start a thread with your stories on them so we can share our Experience, Strength, and Hope specifically to you.
