The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Come on in and tell your story whenever you want RF. Some people sit at face-to-face meetings for months without saying anything, so wait until you are comfortable. You are always welcome,
agree with the others...just giving a big WELCOME and keep coming back and sharing is something you do when you feel comfortable and when i first went to meetings, I did not talk right away...I had to feel safe and comfortable first.....then they could not shut me up, LOL
so glad you reached out.....keep coming back ....we are here
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It's not that I'm uncomfortable sharing . . . it's just writing it all out is just *another* "distraction" from what I want to be doing or need to be doing that ties back to her alcoholism.
Long story short: learned that AW was driving while drinking (no surprise) with our children in the car (14 y.o. and 6 months). I'm not in a position to move out nor can I drive children everywhere. I can't stop her from drinking, but *my* conscious would never be peaceful if I didn't do everything in my power to prevent the drinking and driving. So, I told AW that I was going to have an alcohol ignition interlock installed on the automobile - this is voluntary and not court ordered. I recognize it's not perfect. But, I'm buying myself a bit of piece of mind.
She flipped out. Says she has "shakes" etc. if she doesn't drink.
Yes, she does. She's an alcoholic. The alcohol is affecting her physically and mentally. No surprise.
In sum, when device goes on her car, she won't be able to get to work or wherever because she won't blow clean.
So, she takes a leave of absence from work - obstensibly to get herself detoxed and she starts going to AA meetings, goes to Dr. and gets a prescription for naltrexone, etc.
Nevertheless, the interlock is going on the car *this* week, ready or not. Her leave of absence is expiring soon.
Today, I needed to get some unrelated paperwork out of car and - well you know - I find the bottle of vodka (beneath her little green AA book). It's not even "hidden" just in the center console between the two seats. Unbelievable.
The rational part of me understands that this is a disease and there is, IMO, plenty of evidence concerning the neurological (i.e. brain) "differences" - for lack of a better term - between her alcoholic brain and my non-alcoholic brain.
Yet . . . my heart feels wounded, betrayed, and angry. All legitimate feelings, as far as I'm concerned.
I can support her going to AA meetings by watching the children and making sure they've gotten supper or whatever they need . . . but, I'm not going to do that if all she is drinking before, during or after a meeting. The meetings, then, just feel like "shiny surface" stuff.
I'm currently working a full-time job. In addition, I do work on the side. Juggling all of that is difficult enough in a "normal" family . . . but in this environment, it's like climbing Mt. Everest with a boulder tied around my neck.
It's exactly like living with a schizophrenic who keeps going off his/her medications.
I've got other things I have to do . . . other things I *want* to do . . . and, no offense to anyone and I appreciate the support, but now *I* have to find the time and energy to write this and get it off my chest??
Hi, Rumble: To answer your question, no, you don't have to find the time and energy to write this and get it off your chest, but you have from what I'm reading here. And I get the desire to "scream." I've been there. I screamed into my pillow many a time. Nobody could hear me but me. Things got better when I started sharing, like you are doing now, with people who understood - like many if not all of us do.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of January 2015 01:59:41 PM
Hi Rumble Fish, thank you for your honesty and for trusting us enough to share your pain and anger. I can so identify with all that you posted and understand exactly where you are.
My husband behaved in a similar fashion and I responded by trying to control and force him to change. It did not work. I do understand that your time is involved in work and carrying the burden of a family. In order for me to be able to do that in the sane fashion, I found I needed to get the emotional support from people who understood as no one else could.
Al-Anon is a program established for people who have lived with and live with the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon his face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. I felt as if-- why should I attend meetings when it was his problem but it was pointed out to me and that my mental health was suffering and that I needed help in order to regain my sanity as well as new constructive tools to live by.
We have online meetings here two times a day which will also offer support. I urge you to keep coming back you are worth it.
I could have written much of your post about 2 years ago. Except you are being more proactive then I was, by installing the ignition lock. My wife's second arrest for DUI was while she was pulling up to our small, private Christian school to pick up my son and a friend. If she would have taken the car out of park while my son was in the car, she would have gotten a charge of child endangerment as well.
And I know exactly where you are at with the anger. After her first rehab, she started AA, but within 3 or 4 months, she was stopping on the way home to get a bottle of vodka. That's when she got the 1st DUI.
After her second DUI, she went to jail for 10 days without bond. Then she went to her second rehab facility. To be able to visit her, my 14 yo son and I had to go to 2 hours of family education time on Saturday in order to be able to see her privately for an hour. At that meeting, I was introduced to Al Anon. I asked "I am so angry at her, and I am taking so much of my time to do things because she screwed up, how is this fair? And now I'm supposed to go to another meeting for her, this Al Anon meeting?" i was incensed.
However, when I went to a meeting, I discovered it was really about me. About me and how her alcoholism affected me. And I was surrounded by people who had been there/done that, and were more than willing to lend an ear and listen to me. Of course, I quickly found out they couldn't cure my wife of alcoholism, but I also found out that neither could I. I didn't cause it, couldn't control it, and wouldn't cure it. It sounds like you are already getting a good handle on it.
I also found out that she wasn't doing it to spite me, she was doing it because she had become addicted. It is SO hard not to take it personally, I really know that, it took me a fair amount of work to quite taking it personally.
Lastly, I helped break the isolation by going to Al Anon. I found it was well worth my time because I met people who could help me. It's amazing how much someone can help you just by saying "I've been there, and I know what its like", because the general populace doesn't understand the disease at all.
So keep coming back, and hopefully you can make some time to get to a face to face meeting. There are also online meetings here twice a day you can go to, and the chat room is open most of the time and has quite a lot of good, solid Al Anon people in it. Feel free also to PM me if you want.
I am glad you are here and trusted us with your share. I can relate and it sounds like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and that feeling came along with my alcoholic's too. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
