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daughter #2 is bleeding b/c she has been working too much.....
I called her yesterday to just get udated on family news and she was delighted to hear from me..."mommie, I love and miss you" I told her that i missed her too, but was gonna protect me from her behaviours, but not ever stop loving her....She understood and gave me the up date on famiy...SIL lost his job, and his business, though growing, isn't quite enough yet, so daughter was working a bit more to help out and pregnant, she began to bleed
thank goodness she took this seriously and is slowling down...she is 3-4 months now...we figure end of June early July baby will be born, then she is gong to get her tubes tied , b/c her "medicine" did not work and this baby was conceived....
I just want mother and baby to be healthy.....
I also decided that completely staying away from her is not working....she is my child....she is not an alcoholic or druggie whom I need to "watch my purse" over, she is just an aca, angry at dad, taking it out on me.....SO. that in mind, I was thinking...."whats wrong w/ going to see her but just keeping a bit of detachment and distance, not getting in where she can zap me like making plans...having unreasonable expectations re: her?? don't make plans with her, just be spontaneous....show up and say "lets go out" instead of making plans where something "always happens" to bollix up those plans....
if i can "manage" to keep distance from the toxic sister who enjoys jabbing at folks, messing in their business, not allowing one to live and let live, I can handle this daughter w/my alanon tools......i can love her and even have fun with her, but SEE it for what it IS....
I know my child loves me, she just is skewed on some of her thoughts and behaviours, but she is not a BAD kid...just impacted by dad's alcoholsm.....thank goodness SHE doesn't drink....I , with help from alanon, yea, i see the areas about her I need to detach from, but i also see a lot of GOOD in this girl....she is affectionate....giving if she has it to give....she told me yesterday , I can bring my baby boy to the pool.....
She made it real clear she is not happy w/my having to keep my distance to protect me and "lets talk about this TOGETHER to fix this where we spend time together"....I agreed....I told her I would go "my half" but she is going to have to go the other half.....
As she matures...she will be 34 may 28.....she is beginning to realize that she has only one mom and she wants that mom-child relationship
I will go my half..cautiously....very low expectations.....b/c it is harder for her w/ the 2 little ones, I am willing to go over her house more than she comes to mine....no problem.....I have to make reasonable effort, then turn over the outcome....
i get on my grateful list when i see she is sober...both kids are sober, but older girl is in MD, and my younger one is RIGHT HERE and i miss those hugs...I miss taking pics and vids of her and the kids.....
and she can be really cute...if i pay more attention to the babies, she kinda "sidles" up to me and wants me to love on HER , too.....
we are going to sit down today or tomorrow after my work and talk about how we can spend more time together....she made it real clear that she misses me...maybe my detaching has hit a nerve in her heart, bc she seemed more open to working this out then I have seen her......
I will bring my scissors and hair clips and do her hair...she always likes that......I do miss the kid....i miss my grandbabies.....the two older grandsons could care less, but the younger two adore their gramma.........i miss Janet and Adrian.....
I told her also that I want to go to hosp with her and see my new one come into the world as it was such a thrill and honor to have see Adrian be born....I want to share that again.....i worked when little Janet was born.....that hurt me to miss out on that birth....I don't want to miss this last baby.......there is nothing more bonding then to hold your daughter while she gives birth to your grandkids and you get to share the whole thing....
nawwww I have to , yes, keep my detachment skills at the ready, but lately I have been tossing out the baby with the bathwater....I can keep a bit detached...distance enough to protect me....low expectations and STILL have my daughter.....
this decision I made yesterday, after I had a dream about her that we only have TODAY...I don't want to pass or god forbid something happen to her and the surviving one has all this regret and "wish i had" on top of the grief over the loss....I want quality time w/her even if it has to be limited.......some time is better than none.....
I am going to TRUST me and TRUST my alanon and TRUST my inner Higher self to help me do this and we both (daughter and me) prosper and have that sacred mother and child relationship......I just have to keep alanon close to me.......
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 26th of January 2015 10:05:05 AM
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 26th of January 2015 10:05:41 AM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
my spiritual awakenng has been seeing MY part in this estranged relationship in that YES, i am right to set up and keep boundaries...that will stay
YES i am correct to be detached in that i let her learn her own lessons.....and YES...keep the expectations low
but where I was "off" was just completely tossing the baby out w/the bath water...she is not dangerous to be around...she is not active drinker or user...she is not dangerous....so I CAN have a relationship with her and a good one, as long as i bring alanon into the picture every time I am around her.......
I have a tendency to just RUN!!! I can be over protective of me, with the walls vs the chain link fences....I see that...i withdraw when my heart feels its under fire......I need to TRUST me...my program....my HP, that I cna still protect me but not shut the good out as well.....
TODAY i begin to change that......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Prayers for your daughter and her unborn child, and for you. I am experiencing the same sort of dynamic in reverse, my mother is often toxic to me yet I don't want to shut her out of my life entirely so it is a balancing act and I have to be careful. I have decided I am going to continue to be in contact wit her but try to keep it to "neutral" ground like meeting in the city for lunch or shopping etc and not at my home or hers where the boundaries seem to appear flexible to both of us. I am reminded of this, I have shared it before. I think it is a good way to look at difficult situations and relationships that are not ever going to meet our expectations.
(((Nesh)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 26th of January 2015 10:18:49 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((Rose)))) You just keep healing and growing and healing and growing and healing and growing. You are a walking testimony to the truth that this program works if we work it. And........I love that you are not running!!!! And that you saw your part in it by working your program and letting the tools of the program - and we are some of those tools - love you, too. It is and has been an honor to love you and to witness your continued healing and growth. Wow! Rosie! Just Wow!
Dear Melly , I think about you and your relationship w/your mom and it makes me sad.....I love my children, never want to harm them, and I have asked BOTH of them..."have I ever said or did anything to make you feel put down, less then, or demeaned????" and they both said "NO..not at all" and I give thanks that as screwed up as i have made MY life, I didn't screw up as a mother.....
I miss my girls...I want to hug them and do things w/them....D#1 is in MD and i may not see her again for a long time...but I have D#2 right here in my state, and NEXT door to me and I am missing out
I think I "over cooked" it re: the detachment.......
I don't want to be the mom my mother was and I know I am NOT!!! thank HP for that......so little miss D#2 and I will have to sit down...talk and find a middle ground......I want my children, I want quality time w/them....and I am gonna TRUST my alanon and my HP and my growing up as i embark on this , albeit with limits, renewing our relationship.....
I must go my half...but thats all....I will not do her half.....she must do that.....today i will make amends for MY part in this estrangement in that I over did it in the detachment department.....i can be detached where i need to but still spend time with the kid...........
I was so saddened to read that your bro., can have a kitty, but you can't have your cat even outside......
I will be so glad for you when you get your own place.....and you can have your daughter and your beloved pets.....
HUGS of support
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I love that you are not running!!!! And that you saw your part in it by working your program and letting the tools of the program - and we are some of those tools - love you, too. It is and has been an honor to love you and to witness your continued healing and growth. Wow! Rosie! Just Wow!
((((((((((((((((Catherine))))))))))))))))))))))) no more running...i can put my sunscreen on to protect me from the UV rays, but i don't have to avoid the sun (poor analogy) but u know what i mean.....an I am sooo happy i have my program and you sisters and brothers loving me as I love all of you.......its an honor to share my life journey with all of you................love to you, dear sister....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Nice share Neshema Thanks for your honesty and clarity.
Betty, I owe it all to this program and the fellowship I have with all of you whom i have loving and healthy friendships with.......I am waiting for my H4T book so i can share the readings...gonna be spotty during tax season, but i will do my utmost......love the readings and i cleaned out my library, alanon vs self help and i found C2C Paths to recovery from survival to recovery ODAT and also there is an aca book approved by hazeldon....days of healing..days of joy.....the readings are awesome...thought I would read the today daily and share what i got from it...what it said "exerpts" and what i get from it...........a very good and popular book for the aca's and the alanons...i see it referred in coda too.....dunno if it is CAL, does it have to be CAL what we are sharing?????
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi again Neshema, I have already posted to this topic but as I was meditating today, I realized that during the course of my existence, even prior to Al-Anon, I was aware of the presence of my HP answering a deeply held desire and prayer. Most of these were issues never verbalized but held deep within my heart. When the solution arrived, without any work on my part, I can remember feeling such a peace and gratitude at the wonder of the universe. Then I would go my merry way into my self-will, ego, pride and solutions and forget all about trusting HP. I tried therapy and counseling and all of them revealed my issues committee but never gave me the tools that would connect me to my spirituality. Al-Anon gave me the tools to maintain my spiritual connections one day at a time and for that I am eternally grateful.
You are ready to take this next step...you are strong in your program and strong in your love for your daughter and little ones. This program has helped me to have a loving relationship with my A son and his family, for now. That can change and I know that can change. I will enjoy it as long as I can.
There was a song by Crosby-Stills and Nash...."Love the one you're with"
I was thinking...D#1 is up in MD...God only knows when I will see her, if ever in my life time......Hubby has his own business and she works for him, clerical, bookkeeping, etc., and they can't afford to get out of town, hardly, much less come to see me...That is fact....They struggle and my heart goes out to them....the economy when it crashed affected them greatly.....so did it me!!!!
Here I have my other kid NEXT DOOR to me and I am doing my 1/2 in perpetuating our estrangement when I can modify some stuff....work on MY part of it....and have some FACE2FACE parent-child enjoyment, even if we can't go out very much, we can visit...take walks...go for a ride....TALK....the last of which is the most important....
The chances of my seeing D#1 are small, for now, anyway....Not big at all and she has her son, grand-daughter, the grandaughter I have never had the pleasure of meeting.....distance is hard....when money is tight, yea, there is skype, phone, but it is not face to face.....
I know I was contributing to my (D#2) estrangement and I am gonna repair my part....All I can do is try!!! I know D#2 loves me, even though she is aca/alanon AND she is still a good heart...
TODAY----I decided to TRUST.....trust in my higher self/HP........trust in my program.....trust in ME....also put some trust in the power of LOVE
Just thinking out loud
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good for you neshema. I think thats what detachment is for, if practiced then no need for physical seperation. My son drinks and is aca and i think without alanon we might have been estranged at some point but detaching has allowed me to have boundaries around me, so its not about him changing or trying, its about me changing my expectations, not takjng anything he says personally, having compassion for him and accepting all of him as is. It could be that if your daughter behaves badly then just know its not about you, its about her own pain. All you can do is not react, not take hurts, use your alanon. When im around my son my alanon gets some fine tuning. I think your plan sounds great and the rewards for you are huge. Time with your babies.x
It could be that if your daughter behaves badly then just know its not about you, its about her own pain. All you can do is not react, not take hurts, use your alanon. When im around my son my alanon gets some fine tuning. I think your plan sounds great and the rewards for you are huge. Time with your babies.x
I agree , el-cee....I am ready to give my alanon a "workout" lol....gonna find her today or tomorrow and make amends about my part in this and let the chips fall where they may...I know she is my girl....and loving her with an alanon mind......and yep, my program most likely will get that fine tuning, too.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Your part will be complete and the rest in the hands of your HP......I am happy you are in this space, sounds peaceful.
((((P)))) i am looking at your avatar and I am thinking i was this dark, kinda dreary ball of jello, in my head.......
working my program and doing a lot of reflecting, etc., examining my part in relationship, i see the RIGHT side of your avatar where the jello is taking form, and its going towards the sunlight and taking on one of my favorite colors....YELLOW, a sweet, pastel, yet "I'm here and I am alive" YELLOW.......
WOW....love that changing from left to right coloring you have here.....reminds me of me and how I'm changing........and yea, i am ready for this step......not gonna force anything, push anything , just gonna sit her down and take responsibility for my part in this and let HP do the rest........HUGS
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It's been so long since I've been in this alanon room .. I spend much of my time in the aca thread these days but Neshema .. this is so awesome .. What a great spiritual awakening .. all of it .. works if we work it ..
I am going to TRUST me and TRUST my alanon and TRUST my inner Higher self (me hp & healing of our own inner child ?)
This is very clarifying .. regarding what I need to trust .. and Who, etc ..
in reading your post, it's humbling for me because it makes me think .. I have recovery; my daughter dabbles .. she also has lots going on but I know from experience resentments are removed through doing the work in the steps; she has not done a 4th and it doesn't happen just like that but many of her resentments while healing some, are still unhealed and not removed .. different flip of the switch on this end .. she doesn't come around as much and it hurts .. in fact, it's sad because my eyes are a whole lot more opened today than they used to be, but she can't see that .. never spends enough time to find out .. hoping someday in the not so far future, that will change .. your share gves me hope because it reminds me if we are willing to do the work; God will take some action ..
good to read your share Neshema ... glad things are Still turning ..
by dabbling, I really mean she only goes like maybe once every several months when things get Really rough .. course we only need to hear One thing .. there's always hope ..
I was glad to read this post today and I have been bad about throwing out relationships altogether, because I get my feelings hurt. I love Melly's post and am trying to use my boundaries to deal with people without taking who they are so personally. Practice, practice, practice for me! Thanks for the lesson and reminder. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Well i tried to see her..didn't know she was at doctors.....baby is gonna be a big one he says.....
We had a nice chat and i told her i would try and catch her tomorrow after work.....I told her that I wanted mother and daughter quality time w/her and she seemed to be real happy about that...I was not surprised, I know she loves me and I love her, she is just a little aca and when she is acting out, like el-cee said, not to take it personally
I can do this---I want to do this---I CAN detach and still love and be a mom, with good boundaries, and enjoy my girl and the grand kids.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
