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Post Info TOPIC: To say hello or not to say hello


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To say hello or not to say hello


I have not spoken to the guy I was dating since he sent me a long apology over a week ago. (By the way, the apology was REALLY good although as I've stated before, he is really good at apologizing.)  I told him I felt better that he had apologized and agreed with him that now is not the time for us to build a relationship and placed the future on God.  He is doing therapy with a psychiatrist and AA meetings almost every night.  He told me that after talking with his therapist he knows I'm not abandoning him and this has all resulted because of his actions.  Anyway,  I had a dream about him last night and I have been thinking about texting him just to say hi and let him know that I hope he is well and that I'm praying for him.  I'm a bit reluctant to do this though because I am scared of what the response will be.  Either he will be glad to hear from me or he will be upset that he has not heard from me until now.  What to do?



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~*Service Worker*~

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Do you want to get re-involved with an alcoholic?  Generally it takes 1-2 years (or often considerably more) of recovery before they are mature and stable enough to have a healthy relationship.  They are also very good at apologies - because they have become very good at managing people over the course of their disease.

When they stop their recovery, they are often tempted to go back to their addiction, because they miss it.  When we stop our recovery, we're often tempted to start things up again with them.

Maybe this is a time to work extra hard on your recovery and your future?

I hope you have a meeting and maybe a sponsor?  They can help with decisions about how we go forward with our lives.



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~*Service Worker*~

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One slogan that works so well for me is "When in doubt....don't".   When I am "don'ting" I'm getting help for myself otherwise I go back to doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...a good definition of insanity.   My sickness wasn't about my alcoholic/addict wife...it was about me.  Trying to blame others for the consequences of my poor choices isn't honest.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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I spent a lot of time on the hamster wheel of getting nowhere. Stepping out and away from that wheel required a lot of Al-Anon program work and other supports. I learned that my thoughts and feelings were based on what somebody else said or did. That wasn't healthy. That was codependent behavior. I can still slip - even after multiple years in the program - but thanks to the program I can recognize that I am nearing a slip or have slipped. The program helps me get back on track. I hope you will choose to attend 6 meetings for you before you decide if the program is right for you. When I first began showing up for meetings, it felt magical to me just to sit and listen to others. Often, when I didn't know what to do, just going to a meeting helped me clarify what I wanted and needed and how to obtain it and often that didn't involve reaching out to the active/newly dry alcoholic for any reason.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of January 2015 08:27:03 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Mattie wrote:

Do you want to get re-involved with an alcoholic?  Generally it takes 1-2 years (or often considerably more) of recovery before they are mature and stable enough to have a healthy relationship.  They are also very good at apologies - because they have become very good at managing people over the course of their disease.

When they stop their recovery, they are often tempted to go back to their addiction, because they miss it.  When we stop our recovery, we're often tempted to start things up again with them.

Maybe this is a time to work extra hard on your recovery and your future?

I hope you have a meeting and maybe a sponsor?  They can help with decisions about how we go forward with our lives.


 I hope you RE read Mattie's post....do you really want to "go there" again??? texting him keeps the door open and boy they are good a manipulating ANY weaknesses you show.......what is it about you that makes you think this is all you deserve???   step 4 would answer that....why don't you believe you deserve better?????  how about some meetings and a sponsor?? I agree with Mattie.....you need to work on yourself....not be thinkng about him......focus on you....help you.....rehabilitate you with alanon.......we are here and we care, but we can't live your life for you or learn the hard lessons you will learn if you keep up this dance with a very sick man....that is all your choice.....al-anon has taught me that I am worth a healthy relationship OR  i am healthy enough to be by myself and make my own life,  its peaceful...yea at times i get lonely but it passes...I have my pets....my hobbies....my little jobs......your life is what you allow in it....



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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I found a wonderful quote:

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

So true in so many situations with active alcoholics!

Kenny

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Member

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I guess I just struggle because I see so much potential there. Perhaps I'm still clinging to the image of what I thought he was in the beginning.

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I used to think that it was my job to help another reach their potential. I learned that it was just my job to reach my own. I could encourage and support others but they were still responsible for working on what they believed was necessary for them to work on or with. By letting go of them and their potential, I could focus on me and mine. Stress reducing in an instant for me. I learned something on this board I'd never heard before when I first joined MIP: "Stay in my own hula hoop." That certainly was a quick reinforcer for me when I wasn't sure how far to go in relationship with another person. If it wasn't in the space of my own hula hoop, it wasn't my business.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of January 2015 10:56:22 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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"Potential" is worth considering in a student, in a child...in an employee. Potential in an adult romantic relationship already implies that the relationship is wrong and you want to change something about the other person. I can understand using the term potential to state that "the relationship" itself has potential, but if the term is being used as in "He has so much potential", then it is usually a bust and you might as well be saying "He isn't what I wanted and thought he would be" and that is something to probably work hard at accepting.

My relationships got better when I started dating and searching for partners that were compatible, not ones with potential to be compatible.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I would put it this way, let him do his recovery or not and you get into your own recovery; if something more is destined for the two of you together, it will still be destined six months from now - you will have some Al-Anon time under your belt to help you make the right decisions.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France


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likemyheart wrote:

I would put it this way, let him do his recovery or not and you get into your own recovery; if something more is destined for the two of you together, it will still be destined six months from now - you will have some Al-Anon time under your belt to help you make the right decisions.


 OH I love this and when I saw you typing "potential" i thought similar to pinkchip....."potential" , i use when i see my grandson doing things that show a precocious mind and i want to nurture his young growth......."potential" i see when i help a new company get started up in their books and i see smart choices the owner is making showing me his COMPANY has "potential" b/c of the product they are selling , etc......but when I choose a partner, I choose an equal now or not at all

have you heard about the "unevenly yoked" reference??  how 2 oxen must be evenly yoked when pulling a large burden b/c if they are NOT evenly yoked and one pulls in one direction w/out the other, he will break the others necks....i am not a bible reader but i read this in proverbs maybe?? and thought that is soo spot on....if we are not "evenly yoked" in a relationship, it is doomed....one ox will pull the opposite or different direction and break the others neck........does this relationship of yours appear that you are evenly yoked????  I even DRANK to try to be "even" with my Ex AH, but all i got was hangovers and feeling bad about me for my troubles....we were not evenly yoked...he wanted to drink...I wanted recovery and sanity.....if i had stayed yoked with him, he would have broken my heart (neck) bc i would be going down the tubes with him re: legal problems, DUI's, jail sentences, hospital stays, slow death, insanity getting worse and finally IF i last, he will die from his disease, leaving me broken, bitter and all used up......THAT is your potential if he is not in AA for several years, working a strong program...

why not look at an EQUAL relationship???  why this???  why cling to something with problems already????  would you go buy a car that is leaking oil from the engine???? 

I love what Kenny showed.....apologies from an alcoholic  really ARE set ups for the next offense...if they are NOT in AA working a strong program, you may as well buy that truck w/the leaky engine and be pouring money into it for most likely, more heartache......

you got good replies here....all of us are folks who have been there....If I were you, i would be focusing on ME and alanon meetings to find out WHY i want to "buy into" this kind of heartbreak....i wold find a sponsor to help me with the steps....I would work on loving and respecting ME more so i don't "go there" again, re: these people who need fixing up......

I have said all I can say .....either you love yourself enough to take care of you , or you don't....I hope you choose healthy self love and get into meetings and work program and put your survival first...

I will lift you in prayer

JUST saying!!!!!  Take care



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 

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