Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: New Wife Meeting Update


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:
New Wife Meeting Update


It was very interesting .. I decided to book end it meaning I called my sponsor and already had and then followed up with her after the meeting.  Which I did and it was a good conversation.  I will admit this is a conversation I couldn't have had 3 years ago and this is a conversation today I couldn't have had with the original tramp without some not so good consequences and need of bail money .. LOL.  Prison Orange would have been my color .. LOL!

I feel that I was appropriate .. I feel that I was fair in what I asked for which honestly isn't much, I was not unreasonable in terms of a few things.

First off very nice lady, I feel for sorry for her knowing what I know about him and how he communicates and that translates to the lying.  HOLY COW .. completely freaked out over how much alike we look except she is far heavier than I expected.  Realize that the original tramp was tall and skinny big time as well as young.  I believe that this woman is far older than I am.  I found that interesting and I might not have mentioned the XAH has put on a tremendous amount of weight we are talking 20 - 40 lbs.  That is conservative on my guessing, I did not look at him during the divorce proceedings.  Soooo .. maybe he was already headed that direction he has AGED big time. 

Without getting into to much detail we were able to talk about the kids and their relationship or lack of with their dad.  Brought up some interesting things, obviously things she didn't know about however I didn't push.  I was very clear that they wouldn't hear from me as long as the court order was followed as soon as we have issue there then it's going directly to the appropriate people to handle.  I will not deal with him anymore. 

She's definitely handling the finances which is great for me.  I had to laugh about that one.  She made a comment about not being the enemy and I quickly pointed out oh sister you are my best friend because as long as you are married I know he will have a job.  So trust me I don't view you as the enemy, I view you as an asset. 

We did discuss a lot of different things including insurance which was good.  I will say she continued to ask me what should XAH do in regards to the kids and my response was, it's not my job, the kids job, nor her job to fix the issues with the kids .. it is completely on the XAH.  It sounds like this is something he needs to have some reflection on to pray and use his own ideas as to what direction he should go with it all.  It's not my job to be the emotional connection between him and the kids.  It is definitely not her job or her business to do that either. 

It was going to take a lot of time and consistency.  A very good place to start would for him to reflect about his behavior towards me personally as he refuses to respect the boundaries that are in place.  She tried to bring up the no contact and I gently redirected her to the fact that a little common sense would go a long ways .. using the children to tell me about him getting married was not ok.  As well as their first introduction .. that was forced on them in a not ok way.  I didn't even bring up the wedding .. LOL .. umm DUH .. I think she already got the message.  That is a discussion or information that should have come from him.  Whining about child support, maintenance what he would and wouldn't pay .. umm .. I don't care .. I earned that money and he legally has to pay it.  Sooooo NOT my issue at this point, random angry texts are also off the table.  Coming to my house uninvited and sticking his hand in my mailbox so not ok either.  She agreed and said well, ok .. I can totally see where you are coming from.  I let her know down the road many years things may be different .. as of today .. no.  It was interesting when I pointed out that Alcoholics tend to believe that the rules don't apply to them.  The word Alcoholic was an interesting one to use because her eyes flared as I said it.  Which brought up another point of no drinking when he has the kids, they will leave as that is their boundary .. they don't feel comfortable around his drinking.  I also brought up being very involved with the recovery groups in town. 

So what was asked of me is how can we start to heal this situation .. my response .. show me that he respects me as the mother of his children and start with stopping at his convenience to put his hands in my mailbox since I have told him to stop for a LONG time now.  It would be a good start. 

I don't have any real expectations outside of to listen with my eyes and just take it as it comes.  I will just stick to my boundaries and the kids have their own that they follow. 

It did satisfy my curiosity, .. LOL .. I'll admit my first thoughts were not alanon based .. however if we were practicing rigorous honesty .. yah .. non alanon thoughts.  At the same time at least I hope we can move forward in a positive way.  It's going to take a lot of time.  My daughter's response to all this .. Mom .. seriously .. how long do you think they will be married .. I laughed and said .. hmm .. my crystal ball is way to cracked at the moment if I get a read I will let you know. 

Hugs S :)

 

 

 

 



__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

Glad the meeting went well, Serenity. And again - I loved your candor. Yes, rigorous honesty - at least with ourselves (and I'm glad you shared it here, too) is a very good thing. And I enjoyed it myself - twice today with your posts.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:

I appreciate the honesty, too.  It took lots of maturity from both of you to talk and what great role models for the kids.



__________________

Paula



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Nice post Serenity Prayers for all involved.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 661
Date:

You use your program tools so well. Sending you lots of ESH!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:

I meant to say it was suggested I book end this meeting by another member and I decided to do that as I already had spoken to my sponsor. That was something I didn't think about .. Holy cow did I pray about it .. Yes. I kept things very real and very factual. Now I leave it in God's hands.

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 609
Date:

3 years ago this meeting never would have happened. HP's timing is always right on time!

Progress not perfection, you're human and the non-al-anon thoughts are natural it's the choosing to let go of them that brings us back on track.

Glad that it all went well! Staying on our side of the street is the best way to move forward :)

Hugs!!!



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3968
Date:

Wow, missed this post somehow and wow, you had the talk with the new wife. Good for you and I am glad you put your boundaries out there and were so matter of fact, now maybe everyone can move on and be respectful at the least. Sending you love and support on your journey!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1258
Date:

Good for you! Hopefully some good comes out of the discussion. I know that my dad's second wife really kept him in line when it came to dealings with my mom and my mom was forever grateful to her and in awe of the fact that she stayed married with him over 20 years. I still stay in contact with my stepmom. She had her own demons but God bless her for putting up with my dad, LOL.

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.