The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is someone that read at my wedding. A close friend. I knew he had 10 years sober. I also knew he hadn't been to a meeting in a very long time. He kept talking about going with me. One time he even came out to the center and couldn't find the room where the meeting was that I was attending and he was trying to meet me at. Grr. "What if?" He is not unfamiliar with AA, but he is newly out of the closet and it was a gay AA meeting he was going to meet me at. I feel like if he just would have made it to that one meeting...If I would have tried harder to guide him there, but I also know I am powerless over this. I could have seen this coming in many ways. He is in his first serious relationship with a guy. The guy is a heavy drinker. He just moved back into the house he had prior to his divorce and the neighbor/friends he has there are heavy drinkers.
Anyhow, me and Chuck addressed this with him as we saw him drinking at one of our regular gatherings. Not in an accusing way but a concerned one. He stated things I have heard a million times before from people who relapse. Along the lines of "I didn't drink for 10 years. I can handle it now. Whiskey was the problem then so I will stick to beer and wine and I will be okay. I was different then...in the closet, had more issues so it wont be like that now...." All I see is a trainwreck about to happen to someone I care about. We went to a party at their house the night before last and I already noticed he was not the same now that he's drinking. He was boisterous and argumentative whereas he is normally pensive and reflective. It made me sad. I know he is surrounded by some heavy drinkers, but I am really doubting he can just drink like them. I already see evidence that his drinking is different and I never saw him drink before this last few weeks.
Oh well, say a prayer and hope he learns whatever he needs to and doesn't suffer too much. Best thing I can do is stick to my recovery and be ready in case he wants to get sober again. Chuck was already wanting to know if he should "confront him" as when we brought it up he told us that if we ever though he was losing control to tell him. I said "no...it's not something to mention now." It wouldn't be received well. It would only be worth "mentioning" at all if things seem to escalate to a dangerous level of some sort and even then, he or we can mention it, but we are powerless over what our friend does with that. So...better to wait and let it play out.
Knowing me, if I drank now, I might control it...stick to beer or whatever for a bit, but then in short order, I'd be getting plastered and making up for lost time. This is tough because I have some boundaries with friends in AA knowing they could go out. I only get close to folks with strong programs from the rooms. This was a friend made outside the rooms....so we got close and I didn't really see this coming.
Im sorry pinkchip, that must be really hard. Hes lucky to have a friend like you waiting in the wings if he wants to get sober. Praying that he doesnt come to any harm is about the best you can do. I suggest protecting your own sobriety too and detaching with love if you have to.x
This is where Al-Anon comes into play, PC. Working our own program - and whatever other program necessary for our own health and well-being - helps us stay true to ourselves and our own issues to the best of our ability. As a long-term member of Al-Anon, I can still get easily swept up in somebody else's stuff if I don't do the program work I've got to do for myself. Although I don't get drunk on alcohol, I can get drunk on emotions. This disease is truly baffling, cunning and powerful on both sides of the same coin. I will pray for your friend. I will also be praying for you and Chuck while I'm at it. It's tough to watch our friends go down the tubes and as you say, there really isn't anything we can do other than to keep our own program in the forefront of our minds, pray for them and turn them into their HP's hands.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 25th of January 2015 01:25:33 PM
Good program thinking and perception and behaviors. Ultimate responsibility is Pink's responsibility to his own sobriety. In the face of what experience and awareness you have today it is very eye opening to understand that unless you continue to work it as intended you are in jeopardy. The finest test of faith I have learned in the program and the strongest practice of trust is to surrender to that Power so much greater than our wills and wishes that we will do nothing to interrupt it's control over our lives. Love is the opposite of fear. ((((hugs))))
Hugs pink .. Sucks to say the least to watch someone go back out. My friend who went out last year to the best of my knowledge hasn't stopped .. Breaks my heart knowing what she's risking .. It is what it is .. She has people who can deal better with the situation than I can and the best I can do is stay out of her trainwreck and let it happen organically. I will pray for your friend as I pray for her and all active addicts suffering with their addictions. Hugs again s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Best thing I can do is stick to my recovery and be ready in case he wants to get sober again. Chuck was already wanting to know if he should "confront him" as when we brought it up he told us that if we ever though he was losing control to tell him. I said "no...it's not something to mention now." It wouldn't be received well. It would only be worth "mentioning" at all if things seem to escalate to a dangerous level of some sort and even then, he or we can mention it, but we are powerless over what our friend does with that. So...better to wait and let it play out.Knowing me, if I drank now, I might control it...stick to beer or whatever for a bit, but then in short order, I'd be getting plastered and making up for lost time. This is tough because I have some boundaries with friends in AA knowing they could go out. I only get close to folks with strong programs from the rooms.
*************************************************
(((((((((((((Mark))))))))))) so sorry, this has to be tough, seeing one you care about doing this and thank goodness you know u r powerless....IF he wants to reach out?? Yea, encourage like I know you will.......I agree...wait and let it play out.......WHY do they think they can "oh i'll drink beer, be cool and all will be ok??" NOT!!! addiction is addiction and he will escalate as they all do.....I think it is wise....hanging out w/folks w/strong programs in the rooms.......
my friend next door whom I love like a younger brother is "cutting back" drinking only 4 beers instead of 6-10.....the ole cut back/white knuckle thingy that never works....being in alanon like i am , i just watch, he once asked me how i have changed for the better and how did i do it??? (we've known each other over 20 years) I told him about how i was married to two alcoholics who refused AA, but I got into alanon and that is my "life changing" thing that he saw....kinda tossing out the bait, but that fish didn't bite YET!!! dunno if he ever will and b/c I am an alanon whose had enough of active A's, I love and encourage him, but i keep a distance as I don't want to do the "hang out and drink" thingy that he and his neighbor pals like to do....I come over and its "oh have a beer" well I am not addicted to it, but i have bad history with it and choose NOT to "go there" so I agree with you, hanging out w/the "roomies" who are working a solid program...
negative energy is powerful...it can bring u down in a heartbeat...so hanging out w/healthy ones is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves.......
Hugs of support
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
So sad to watch. This is where my therapist would say, "Some people just need to touch the stove again to see if it's hot..."
My thought is that if he was getting involved with a heavy drinker, it was an accident waiting to happen. Or maybe getting involved with a heavy drinker was a way for him to open the door, sort of a vicarious way of being drunk before he could do it himself.
I know you know all the sayings, but of course the next one that springs to mind is "He's going to do what he's going to do..."
The disease is so powerful and here's another sad reminder. Take good care of yourself.
I'm sorry. I know this is hurtful to witness in someone you care about. His action are so deliberte and his will so determined. Painful as it is to watch, it's his journey and lesson to learn. I hope he finds his way. You never know, maybe a seed has been planted by your presence in his life. Time willl tell. Prayers for your friend. ((((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Same thing happened to me three years ago. The guy that was my best friend for years, who was the best man at my wedding, fell off the wagon and started drinking again after a few years of sobriety. I ran into him at a birthday party and he was wasted, he then literally started begging me to help him, he was crying one second than ranting like a lunatic the next.
Pinkchip I hate to admit this but all I wanted was to get away from him, I felt bad for him but I didn't want to help him, I didn't want him calling me, I didn't want to be drug into the drama. Why? Because I have come to realize I am powerless when it comes to fighting addictions, all trying seems to do is demoralize me and frustrate me. You are doing the right thing Pinkchip, fight your own battle, offer support where you can to others but keep yourself and your sobriety as the priority. When I see others fail it just motivates me even more to maintain my own sobriety, maybe I shouldn't say motivate, when I see their actions it shames me into staying sober because I'm ashamed I ever acted that way.
It is hard to see a friend relapse. It is like watching a scary movie; you know the guy with the chainsaw is right outside the door but you cannot warn the people inside the log cabin.
Thank goodness he has a friend like you who has a strong grasp on his own sobriety and al-anon that will be there to help when he is ready.
sending a warm hug to you from up the road in Palm Beach county
Prayers for your friend Pinkchip, from snowbound New England! It is very sad, to me to hear, when someone relapses. You can't talk to them, you can only pray. I have an AH in denial and a brother who is struggling at this time for his sobriety
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
