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I read a reply to someone else'e thread yesterday that hit me in the gut, HARD. But now I can't find it. I wanted to ask this question of that poster personally, but since I can't find it, I will ask it here. It may have been PP, but I am not sure.
I can't even remember the topic, but the response included the thought that for years, when the poster had young children and was with the A, she basically complained or found fault all the time with him. He died while her children were still young, but now, she sees the gifts that he gave them (that she couldn't see at the time).
I know my AH has many wonderful qualities. And I am having a very hard time focusing on them, because of the glaring deficiencies. Which include being willing to work hard, tell the truth instead of lie to avoid confrontation, and some other aspects that are increasingly seeming like we differ in some issues that I consider ethical and/or moral. Every day, I feel more and more that I cannot do this much longer. And yet, I am deeply afraid that I will look back, and see the gifts I overlooked or undervalued. Look at things in a different light, and have regret. That why I made the comment the other day about not wanting to throw the baby out with the bath water, which seemed to strike a chord.
I am curious for the person who posted that above thought, or anyone else you has been through that experience of moving on from an A because of their deficiencies... were you saying you realized in retrospect that he wasn't so bad, and maybe if you had recognized his gifts, you would have tried harder to make it work? Or were you saying something different?
For me it's kind of like the situation where kids grow so quickly... it's very important to appreciate each stage they are at, before it passes... I have got that lesson/advice down well, because I am an older mom so had the benefit of all my friends' hindsight, who advised me to appreciate the moment with my kids, and I have! I am wondering if the poster was saying the same kind of thing, in retrospect, or just wishing they had had the clarity to appreciate his gifts while also recognizing a relationship with him wasn't going to work.
Oceanpine developing alanon tools of having no expectations, and living with the principles of treating everyone compassion empathy, understanding,,courtesy and respect and removing gossip, blame and judgement from my interactions allowed me to connect and love unconditionally
I could not have done this unless I learned how to focus on myself, love myself first and walk as an equal in the relationship
If im being really honest i never loved my ex. I was addicted to him, obsessed with him, wanted to fix him but love didnt really come into our relationship, there was no room, it was too unhealthy. I left and im glad i did and wished i had sooner for all our sakes, including my kids. Ive never regretted it and whenever ive spent any time with him since it reinforces my decision every time.
I never lost sight of the things I loved about my x. Its just that although he thought he wanted to be married, he really didn't. I couldn't make a man want me, our kids or our marriage if down deep, he really didn't want it. He was sick but really - who isn't to some degree. Marriage really can help two people heal and grow together if both are committed to crafting a relationship that is mutually beneficial, can make room for children, if able and wanted, and/or is beneficial to a community in some way, too. One of us had to be strong enough to see the truth and to set both people free to walk their own path in life. I divorced my x. Later our marriage was annulled. Although I divorced him 36 years ago and he died 14 years ago, I've never stopped loving him in ways I can't articulate. That doesn't take away the things he did that were damaging but truth be told, I was clinging to something that could never and would never be the marriage that I wanted because the man I chose didn't agree. Of course, I didn't know that until after I married him and lived with him and maybe he didn't either? I can say with certainty that although I did love him (not all the things he did that were hurtful and mean), I don't regret divorcing him or pursuing an annulment at the request of a Catholic nun who served on the Tribunal for the RCC.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of January 2015 04:11:01 PM
Just keep going to meetings and working on yourself.
It will be what it will be. I tried to force my will on my
Dry ah no go. He was not interested in working on the
Marriage. I loved him deeply and we had many good
years together but we have had 11 increasingly bad
years together.
His disease even though dry took over His being. He is
a smart and good man with a disease. He wanted out of
our marriage. I did everything possible to keep us
Together but he refused to even try, though he was
Attending aa and me alanon.
With alanon I had the coping skills to deal with him
leaving also i am Working on my own recovery.
My ah wants to walk A different path after 29 years
not much i can do Except take care of me and grow
and heal. It has Been bad with grieving my loses but
ah doesn't Seem to care.
My biggest issue with my ah was intimacy in a non
Sexual way. He would not validate me or my feelings
Much anymore But expected hugging cuddling closeness
But was not doing it himsef to me or for me but wanted
It and needed it for himself. Also the constant stuffing
Of my hurt feelings. It all takes its toll i could not have
Articulated that before alanon to look deeper at the
Whys i pulled back and was standoffish with him even
Though i loved him very much.
I so relate to this thread. I am really in need to do some work in myself and live with the Al-Anon principles that hotrod describes (my mind has been slipping and I am experiencing very bad emotions and dark thoughts sometimes)Also like LC I never really did LOVE my exH as in unconditional love and completely admiration. I was aware of his flaws and wanted to fix himalso was fathered as being put in the position of being his saviour and his hero. Also G2B posts makes completely sense to me as I am absolutely sure my exH really thought he wanted to be married and have a family but his actions were totally the opposite of it and he would never give me the marriage experience and be the partner I crave for. And finally MirandaC describes my exH completely: he expected all the affection and intimacy but couldn't build real intimacy as in getting to know me deeper, get to know me and validate my thoughts and my feelings or even support me in a practical or non practical way.
I am so glad it is finished. Every time I interact with him it reassures me it was indeed the right decision. But I still have a lot of healing to do. Of course I am very sick, if I wasn't, I would never accept him as a partner in the first place.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
For me it would be wishing I tried harder to see what I really had. My own fears of what the future might be like, of how he might react, of how he might not get sober, etc. caused me to leave. I ended up marrying a non-alcoholic who turned out to be a narcissitic sociopath and who caused me to have to get back surgery (a plate and 4 pins now hold my L4-L5 together) when he got violent. I left him the same day he knocked me around but the damage was done. The point is: sometimes we don't see what we have in wishing for something that might be better. Being able to clearly see present reality is priceless.
I am back with my AH now (he's the one who nursed me through my back surgery and took care of me when I left psycho above, even though I had left AH for said psycho!) What I have learned to truly appreciate are all those good qualities that AH has. Honesty, good work ethics, morals. He sobered up while I was gone, but has slipped back into having a drink every now and then in the evening before bed. That doesn't bother me anymore though. His having a drink does not make him a monster. My leaving him didn't make me a monster. We're just two imperfect people doing the best we can and learning to be kinder to each other and appreciate each other more. We lost everything financially but gained so much more in understanding and knowledge. Working on rebuilding trust (he's still afraid of being hurt again) and rebuilding our life. We'll get there.
My new thinking is, if you want your own grass to be as green as that grass on the other side, then water it! Let It Begin With Me! Whenever I followed that, things always worked better. And I didn't get a broken back from it! lol
Fears, what ifs, mights, - all those type things are really negative and unproductive when that's all that is being focused on. So much wasted time spent worrying on things that never happened. Days that could have been really nice and enjoyable gone, just gone. I try to stay in the positive now and really appreciate each day as it unfolds. Life is a gift. Today is a present. Presents should be unwrapped with joy and appreciated, right? :D
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Oceanpine, yes that was my post and you answered your inquiry with your last statement. I would have divorced him, anyway, even with his assets, as we had a mother/adolescent type relationship. Our divorce served both of us well. I learned to play more and he learned to be a responsible father. I hear your torment and it is clear that you love your husband. We can love people and not be able to live with them. Are you attending any al anon meetings? Meetings and sponsorship helped me to know what I needed/wanted in a relationship and to not settle; compromise, yes, but not settle. Always take care of you, first.
I do not believe I could have loved my ex-AH any more than I did. I lost myself trying to please him, which was impossible. I didn't even have an opinion of my own by the end of our 15 years together and wanted whatever he wanted and made everything happen the way he wanted it. All I learned from all those dysfunctional, miserable years is if you want to be happy it is an inside job. If you want to feel loved, love yourself and if you want to feel whole, put the work and self care into yourself. I am now a strong, happy sand healthy woman thanks to al-anon and no longer question if only I had done more. I did more than I ever should have and prayed such a price and toll on myself and my children's lives and would never live that way again. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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