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I'm sure you must get a few of these every day...... here's mine.
I've been with my wife/partner for 10 years.
I came to the relationship 'innocent' of the dangers of Alchohol, in the early days we'd meet, we'd both drink, pretty much like everyone else.
Alarm bells started ringing about a year in when after drinking she started referring to herself in the third person with 2 personalities, discussing my relative faults/merits in front of me "we love him and he loves us" said one, the other replied "yes, but we can do better".......
I mentioned it the next day as she couldn't remember it and ended up laughing about it as its similar to a scene with Gollum in Lord of the Rings.
Then she fell pregnant, unplanned.
She didn't touch a drop during the pregnancy, thank the lord for that.
After the birth of our daughter things went down hill rapidly.
For the first few years of our daughters life she ran a business from home and could 'look after' her during the day whilst i commuted to work an hour away.
With increasing regularity i would call from work, i could tell from her voice she was drunk, hear my baby screaming in the background and essentially be sat at my desk traumatised wondering what was going on at home.
At that point i didn't realise that alcholics did not respond to reasoned argument, logic or responsibilties.
I gave up my job & career to be nearer home.
The classic signs were all there, lying, deceit, hiding drink all over the place, denials, fighting, shouting.
I would have left her years ago if it wasn't for our daughter, maybe i should have anyway.
About 6 months after that, she got a great job. Its was a tough job, but credit where credits due she was good at it.
Our daughter was now in school so with the use of after school care I could take her to school & pick her up myself everyday. This was a relief, i did not want my partner alone with our daughter, ever.
Once my wife had her feet under the table at work, the hard core drinking started kicking in. She came home by train every day and the thoughtful retailers at the train station stocked Gin & Tonic pre-mixed in handy sized cans which were about 15% alchohol.
She would grab a bagful of these everyday, and being unused to the commute she would miss her stop, getting off too early or too late and ring me screaming saying she didn't know where she was. It would take 10 minutes for me to calm her down enough to read me the name of the train station so i could get in the car and pick her up, sometimes 30 miles away at midnight.
After a while, the 'homing pigeon gene' kicked in and she was able to get the right train to the right station 99% of the time. I'd wait in the car park knowing she would be the last to come off the platform zig-zagging from side to side, full of Gin.
Then if i wasn't depressed enough, she would unburden every bad experience she had, had that day onto me and then repeat this over and over again until she passed out.
I have become a prisoner in my own life.
My daughter. aged 8 is clearly effected by all this, she has seen things no child should see, i've done everything possible to protect her and give her as normal childhood as possible. She come's back from a friends house and says she wishes she had a different mummy, (i secretly agree) but she's happy, popular at school and has my personality which is resilient, tough and optimistic by default.... she'll be ok.
Why don't i leave?
I kid myself that i don't want to break up a family, but in reality i'd love to do that, we'd be far better off without her.
Truth is, if i leave her she'll die. I'm the only thing keeping her going.
What i'm keeping her going for i don't know, there is no hope for her. She has been a functioning alchoholic for years, holding down a good job, but she's about to lose that due to her sickness record which as you can imagine is terrible, so i'm pretty sure the 'functioning' part of the above statement will no longer be valid.
As i write this she called me, she sounds worse than i've ever heard her, after getting smashed last night i heard her cracking open a bottle of Champagne at 7.45am this morning.
I said bye, left for work shortly after (daughter at Grandma's), she called at 1pm to call me the Anti-Christ and blame me for everything that's wrong in her life, however her tune has changed now, she needs me now.
I'll be home in 10 minutes, we might need an Ambulance.... either way its gonna be a long night.....
Welcome to MIP. Thanks for sharing your story w/ us. You are right where you need to be. This is a safe place to share what you need to. We are here for you.
Welcome. What you are describing is something I can relate to: the insanity of the disease and trying to live with it without losing my own mind in the process.
One of the things our membership has learned can be a big help to us is attendance in face to face Al-Anon meetings. There we are with others who have been there and done that or are still there and doing that. Together, we listen to each other's stories and we learn how to utilize the tools of the program, step by step.
I was one who tried to handle what was going on in my alcoholic reality by myself. I didn't know another way. I didn't know where to turn. We both tried counseling, but counseling didn't work because we weren't going to trained therapists who understood alcoholism and its effect on families. Later, during a legal separation from my husband, he did go to a treatment center with someone who did understand the disease. Although I wore a very calm and quiet mask, she could see the pain I was in - although my spouse could not. She suggested Al-Anon for me to gain the support and help that I needed to take care of me.
At first I was insulted since I only saw him as having a problem. I didn't see that I did, too. It was in this program that I first began to understand the disease and how it affected me.
We suggest attending at least six meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is right for you. We have learned that if we attend meetings with an open mind, we can find help and hope for ourselves and our lives, even if our loved ones continue to use.
We also learn that we did not cause the disease, we can't control it and we can't cure it. We are powerless over its effects on us and on our loved ones with the disease. We stop fighting, fleeing or trying to fix our alcoholic loved ones and we start learning to live in the solution of the program tenets. Hope you'll go to check it out for yourself.
Parts of your story is my story too, the prisoner in my own life, secretly wishing it was over, well i used to wish he would die, sounds extreme but thats how helpless i felt. I left my ex but i know lots of people who stay. There is hope and there is help and it doesnt have to be this way and if you go to alanon it wont take too long for things to get a lot lot better.
I kid myself that i don't want to break up a family, but in reality i'd love to do that, we'd be far better off without her. Truth is, if i leave her she'll die. I'm the only thing keeping her going.What i'm keeping her going for i don't know, there is no hope for her. She has been a functioning alchoholic for years, holding down a good job, but she's about to lose that due to her sickness record which as you can imagine is terrible, so i'm pretty sure the 'functioning' part of the above statement will no longer be valid.
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why don't you leave??? its hard to give up on someone, but sometimes we have to , it may be their only chance to get forced into AA....if they have lost everything....document her episodes so if custody issue begins you have the proof that she is not fit parent....easy to do by the sounds of it.....video her with your cell, save any drunken VM's , etc......and if you leave her she may die.....she may , after losing everything cry for help and get into AA......you can't save her....nobody can but her........from the sounds of it she is reachng end stage....the insanity, mind becoming "wet brain" yea, job loss is the next event......"functioning alcoholic" is kind of a misnomer....there really is no such thing...if they were really "functioning" they would be in AA working to be sober....yea, they appear to be "ok" with a job, etc., but do you call her outbursts, and getting lost on trains functioning??????
I urge you to find some face to face meetings in your area....find a sponsor to help you through this b/c noone can cope with this nightmare w/out help.....al-anon will show you how to take care of you....also would contact an attorney to get apprised of your rights....this woman must NEVER be alone w/this child
the damage being done to this child is enormous....yea, she may be strong, but so was i and i am in recovery for LIFE b/c i was not removed from that home.....no lie!!! this disease has already done serious damage to this child......you are her only hope
I feel for U....U seem to be a great dad!! thank god the little girl has you....now its time to step up, whether you stay or leave, its time to step up, really, and minimize this chid's exposure to this becoming more and more dangerous person.....Unless she dries out and gets help, she will get worse....more crazy...more nightmarish......that poor little girl deserves a better future than that......
trust me, you are not keeping her going...you are enabling her to keep drinking by absorbing/holding her up......I get so mad at the ones helping my alcoholic brother...I wish his well meaning friends would just DROP him.......love him but refuse to interfer in his life....let him FALL and MAYBE he will be forced to get into recovery...but they keep helping him, giving him a place to stay, etc., feeding him, helping him with loans and thus he is drinking himself to death b/c of it......
al-anon meetings and a good sponsor can help you get through tough times ahead....sending you SUPPORT and peace energy ....please keep coming back......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks for your kind comments everyone.
She was lieing on the floor in our bedroom, she cant even lift an arm, talking incoherently. Trying to get her into bed but lifting 65kg of limp meat is beyond me.
Called an ambulance but they wont come, dont blame them but its all on me again.
Made her as comfortable as possible on the floor, but as its wooden thats not very comfortable.
I can hear her snoring now, so i'll have some peace for a fews hours.
This is the worst i've seen her in 10 years, she's gonna have the mother of all hangovers tomorrow, she probably won't drink for 3 or 4 days on the back of that.
That gives me a small window to recuperate and reevaluate.
I'm gonna try to get to an al anon meeting but i'll have my daughter with me and i dont think i'm allowed to bring her.
Dear Noble, there must be a friend or trusted SOMEONE you can leave the little girl with.....IF not and you can't possibly get to the meetings, we have wonderful on line meets here.....bottom line---You NEED the meets....
I am hoping some more experienced "meet goers" with young children can weigh in and give you some direction......
soo soo sorry you and daughter are living with this 2 legged nightmare.....she is so into the disease , she reminds me of my mother who ceased to be even human to me at times....My love for that woman died when I was very small....sooo sad.....when she finally died from the drinking, I was like relieved and i was grown , too, but i was relieved....so much misery around her and i wont' even go into what "he" was like....omg...i just cringe with sadness when I hear about a child having to endure this.........the effects and damage lasts for life, sometimes....there are alateen meets for her, but don't know the minimum age.....I am sure others will weigh in and give you some pointers....
sending you PEACE energy
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Noblestone, I am really feeling for you and applaud you for the job you are doing for your daughter. There is one key point I wanted to make though in response to saying/thinking you are what is keeping her alive.
Likely, she would not die without you. Even in the event that it did progress towards that, it wouldn't be you that killed her. It would be HER ALCOHOLISM. Please take that in. Years spent with an alcoholic will have us owning parts of their disease that do not belong to us. This is not your fault. You don't need to own her disease like that.
It might be helpful to you to call Al-Anon in your area and ask if there are meetings where children are allowed or meetings where there is childcare provided? Our meetings don't allow small children but there is one that provides childcare in the same building so that parents can attend their meetings. As a member myself, I am uncomfortable with children being in the meeting room because we're dealing with adult issues and because children can also be a distraction for the members. Not all family groups are uncomfortable with that happening, so contact with meeting groups in your area can be helpful.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of January 2015 02:36:47 PM
Alcoholism hurts everyone who comes into contact with it and I'm so sorry that your family has been affected by this disease.
Like you I am an optimistic and resilient person. I used to imagine myself as a silver birch, bending with the winds but never breaking. I used to think that one day it would all be ok. I knew that I was beginning to shut down the rest of my life to cope with my life at home. I came to suspect that my upset stomachs and fatigue were somehow related. I have survived, and learnt to thrive, but I did not manage it on my own. The lovely folks here at MIP and the acceptance of those that I've met through Alanon have helped me to not only rise above the insults and abuse but to also draw boundaries about what I will and will not accept in my life. I believe that we have choices, even though it does not feel like it when we are in the eye of the storm.
You are not picking up the bottle. You are not responsible for your wife's decisions. I suspect that she might feel terrible about her condition and it is a fact that often times hurting people hurt people. But it is up to her to change it. No one else can do it for her. We are not responsible for their behaviour although, obviously, we are responsible for our own lives.
It puzzles me greatly why I did not leave my husband, but that is part of the hook of alcoholism and abuse. I think I wanted him to like me. I wanted to understand what was going on. I also thought that he would die without me. In fact I did not have that level of influence when he was drinking!
I think that my tolerance of unacceptable behaviour damages us both. I finally did leave for a few months and that helped a lot. I still take a week here and there, so that I can remind myself of who I truly am and restore my energy and faith in the world. I am still on the hook though. I still have stuff to learn.
Drawing boundaries helped us a lot. I did not know what boundaries were before joining Alanon. I did not bother to try and explain these boundaries to my husband, I just stopped tolerating things that undermined my self esteem and that I would not accept in anyone else. I like to think that this change might also have helped my husband since after about six months he finally stopped drinking. If he was rude to me I left the house and booked into a hotel. I spent time with friends and started doing courses.
I stopped stepping in to rescue him and he finally had to feel the consequences of his behaviour. For example, and this is fairly extreme for me, I let him go ahead and light a bonfire in dry grass in August without questioning his choice. I called in the fire fighters when the fire started to spread and thankfully the damage was limited. After the event I simply got on with what I had been doing before. I did not sympathise with him or join in the drama. I did not shout at him. I let him feel his own stress and take ownership of his own shame.
I recognise your situation and feel for you and your daughter. I've come to learn that sometimes tough love is ok, but it can be done with love and dignity. Strange but true! I hope you keep coming back - the whole scenario is so counter intuitive and there is lots to learn. It can get better.
I feel your pain. I am new here as well - so unfortunately I can only offer some solace in telling you that I understand - YOU ARE STRONG, and somehow you (and I) will get through this. You're a fantastic father. Best of luck to you.
Oh how I can relate to a lot of what you said! When I would be at work, i would call home to check on our daughter, who is now 9, and he would be speaking "word salad." The last time this happened was last February. I moved out last March after almost 12 years of marriage. I couldn't take it anymore. I totally relate with being at work and worrying about the safety of your child. I had to leave work twice before because of him being drunk. I had to call off sick one morning because he was drunk and I couldn't leave my daughter with him. I've done many things to cover for him, etc.
Al anon has taught me it is not my fault he drinks. I started to work the steps and got a sponsor. Al anon taught me to take care of myself. It isn't selfish to do what you need to do, even if you feel you have to leave her. We will all die someday. I worry that someone will find my AH dead at home. If that's the way he chooses to die, that's his choice. That may sound harsh, but Step 1 tells us We are POWERLESS over alcohol. I used to find empty bottles everywhere, and I would count them sometimes too. Even when the A stops drinking, there are usually other issues we find too difficult to live with.
I hope you start going to meetings. It helps so much to hear people tell their stories and you will know you aren't alone.
Hi NobelStone and welcome to MIP. You are among friends here who know your pain and understand what you are living. Alcoholism is a demonic disease that affects no only the person who is drinking, but all that it touches. Most of the time, we, the non drinkers, don't realize how we are being affected. Our behaviors and thought process change and become centered around the alcoholic. We become obsessed with the alcoholic believing that there is something we can say or do to cause this person to stop drinking. There is nothing we can do to save our alcoholics. They are responsible for their lives. You did not cause your partner to drink, you cannot control her drinking nor can you cure it. She is going to drink because that is a symptom of the disease. She is not choosing to drink. She has to drink. What she is choosing is to not seek help for her addiction. Again, you have no control over this.
You, however, do have control over yourself and your health. This is where your focus should be. Al-Anon can help you with this. This recovery program can give you the tools you need to change your perspective, whether you are living with your alcoholic partner or not. I strongly suggest you seek them out and attend.
Take care of you, NobelStone, and take one day at a time.
((NobelStone, you are not alone.))
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
First lesson im not enabling - dont pick her up to put her in bed, don't make her comfortable on the floor, dont worry about any of it, because you didn't make her drunk, she did. I did that for my wife for quite awhile, and finally understood that it was jist one more way I was telling her "it's aalright honey, when you get drunk I will take care of you". I went on to not undressing her and putting in her nightgown. Moved on to detaching from her in the morning: it prevented fights that just went round and round with no real resolution .
Keep Coming back here , and get to an Al anon meeting soon!
Aloha NobleStone and again welcome to the board. From the description of your wife on the floor unable to lift even an arm you are describing an end stage event or as it has been called a near death, toxic shock event. I have witnessed those and have had several of my own. I am alcoholic also. Toxic shocks mean that the body is over dosed with alcohol and if the alcoholic or person has consumed an ounce beyond body tolerance living thru it is usually a God thing. She is anesthetized so she isn't feeling anything not even her heartbeat and breath fading away. I've watched my alcoholic/addict wife go thru them also and coming out of it is always a surprise.
At the point she was at she should have been taken to emergency for detox and medical professionals would have known that. I have called for medical assistance under these conditions because they are truly "near death" events. I don't understand why the ambulance attendants refused to come and take her. Might you find out?
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and if not arrested by total abstinence it will be fatal. The state before death is insanity and your description of what you are going thru certainly describes it to a "T". I'm in support of you and feel strong empathy and compassion for you and your daughter and your compulsively alcoholic wife. She isn't a bad person...she is a very sick person. The cravings she is going thru are horrendous and while part of her mind and intention is screaming "no more" the cravings scream louder...she has lost the choice over whether she will drink again or not.
This is a family disease you are all affected. My suggestion is call the hotline number for Al-Anon for yourself and your daughter and find out when and where the face to face groups get together in your area ...then go. Get there and ask where the literature table is and get as many pamphlets that are available to you. Talk with the membership and get an understanding of how we have all become affect by this life threatening disease and what we have learned to do about it.
Keep coming back here also. Feeling sad with you and your family. (((((hugs)))))
Wow I can so relate and thought I was the only thing keeping my exAH alive. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me a lot and so did "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I did eventually get my kids and I on a life raft and jump off the titanic after I timed out after 15 years of this disease in my marriage. Everyone finds their way into this program with stories like yours, with heart wrenching pain, guilt and shame. You are not alone and I am glad you found us. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
