The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As posted today... I have a right to want what I want and feel the way I feel. I do not have to act on those feelings but I do not have to hide them from myself as they are part of me.
I'm feeling a good bit "slippery" lately - meaning I'm feeling self pity, it maybe my biggest flaw-or rather greatest challenge.
I put things off that I need or even want to do (yep, I procrastinate even on things I enjoy or appreciate the end result of).
I have so many great things in my life I can do that bring about great end results, I'm blessed beyond belief by my higher power with a home I can take care of, not fancy by worldly means but so special to me, a job I really enjoy and appreciate, and beautiful amazing daughters. But I put off being responsible and wallow in self pity over things I don't understand and can't control. Mostly the feelings and actions of others. Some things with my parents are bothering me when I didn't do what they wanted, even though I am positive I did what was best for me.
All I know to do about this at this very moment is to ask higher power for direction and try to take step by step action to get back on a better track meaning do a little bit of the thing I'm putting off then a little bit more etc.
At some point I'm going to benefit from figuring out why I do this... I just know when I'm on top of my "stuff" I feel so much less depressed and obsess so much less about things I have no control over...when I'm doing what I need to do in my life all that "junk" in my mind and heart may still be there but it's not running me in the ground so much...sometimes I even feel powerful over it, when things are going really well with all my work, house hold, spiritual relationship, friendships, family relationships etc... when I'm doing my best and I know it...I'm pretty high energy and positive. But when I'm not I'm not.
Perfectionism and procrastination and resulting depression.... hummm.
It's not as bad as all this sounds, definitely not as bad as it has been in the past for sure, but I feel myself slipping ... I'm a little sad and it's mostly because I've put some things off for work and I didn't do something for my daughter she wanted. She lives 4.5 hours away, she was sick and wanted help with the baby, I couldn't get there the first day and just chose not to go the second day because she seemed to be getting a bit better...and I was feeling guilty about some work things I should have already done..so then I got down about not helping her and only got a portion of the work done anyway... If I had been at my healthiest I would have been all caught up with my responsibilities and I realistically could have done both.. been there for my daughter and hustled up and gotten the work done too... I really didn't do either.
Sorry about the ramble...helped me a bit to type it out.
I can completely relate Glad and all I can say is I have to refocus my thoughts first .. so I try and do a first thing first .. if it's faster for me to do a gratitude list (A-Z), read a recovery book be it AA or Alanon (I'm not an A however I get so much out of AA's readings, that's me and my hard wiring though). If I am able to reach out to my sponsor I will .. or if it's better for me to attend a meeting and I'm not picky I will find an open AA meeting or an Alanon meeting .. I always and I do mean ALWAYS get what I need because the God of my understanding provides me with the message I need to hear.
Once I am able to stop beating myself up I can then look at what I need to tackle. I approach my own procrastination with Easy Does It .. just Do It! I didn't get here over night so it's going to take actual work .. again I go back to my own program I can talk about it all day long .. unless I actually work the steps it doesn't mean anything.
So I try and do one or two small things during the week and then weekends are saved for bigger things .. I have a terrible time not completing projects.
I also do things I enjoy .. self deprivation is not productive either .. everything in moderation. So if I can find a balance between it all I function on a much higher level on everything .. I'm happy, mentally healthy and the kids reflect where I am at as well by their own emotional well being.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi Glad, sorry I missed this posting. Thanks for sharing your inner dis-stress this is how we grow and change. I can understand the old tapes coming up once over and over again as you grow and take care of yourself. A friend of mine calls those her AN TS - Automatic Nnegative Thoughts. She says she uses alanon slogans such as Let go and Let God, How Important is it and her asset list to "spray these ants away.
Please remind yourself that you are focusing on taking care of yourself,treating everyone with courtesy and respect and placing principles above personalities . That is enough
This I related to a lot myself. Feelings of being overwhelmed by people, places and things above and beyond my control. I go to the other end of the spectrum with thoughts of "just get rid of it all" as the solution to not letting it bother me. I've lost interest in mundane things which I get to categorize as mundane from my own attitude. I have my justifications for it all which allow me to do nothing about anything. Procrastinate? I'm a Pro at that.
It isn't wrong...it just is. I don't want to be involved and must be willing to accept the consequences of that. One of the consequences is that I can stay in my quiet aloneness ...my Lone Ranger paradigm without waiting for something to happen next or at anytime. "Loner" is a large part of my personality from birth even though during my life time I have done some absolutely stunning "non-loaner" things, stepping out into the world and accomplishing "wow" stuff that others wouldn't or didn't.
I had to come to the awareness and acceptance that my "center" my default condition is selective detachment and that I should not allow criticism from any direction to interrupt my acceptance of self and/or others. I don't "shoulda, coulda, woulda,s" anymore thanks to great sponsorship.
((((((Hugs)))))) Glad - I'm amazed, you took the words right out of my mouth, and expressed them so much better than I can!!
Sometimes I gift myself rest, sometimes I write down my 'to do list' for tomorrow and put a star by the one or two items that I would like to finish before giving myself the rest of the day to relax and do just as I please.
If I do something that makes me feel guilty I usually need to apologise and sometimes suggest something to make it up to them. And sometimes I just need to forgive myself and know that I honoured my own needs.
