The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a very trying week. As I expected daughter lost job ( the 3rd ) in two months for I guess not showing up the next day I don't really know. I have been nutso worrying about her. Trying very hard to read my books and messages here and praying furiously to my hp to help me and her and attend online meetings. . She is behind on her rent of course. She has stuff here I could sell to give her the rent money or she could move home. Neither feel like very good options right now. My dilemma is I do not know if I can tell her she cannot move home and I certainly do not want to say something that I can't stick too. Although she is unlikely to ask as she does not like that option but I am unwilling to dish out any more money. I am not even sure if selling her stuff and giving her the money ahead of time is enabling anymore? She is coming out to talk to us. I brought this one on myself as I asked her too because I am so worried about her and want to try to help her get a grip or footing. She says things like I am not myself and major stressed out. I know I over react when she says these things due to having lost other family members to suicide. I guess I do not want her to feel hopeless and alone. If she moves back here she would have to be sober and attend counselling. She is in major denial right now states substance abuse is not the problem?? WHAT! It may not be the original problem or the only problem but it most certainly is the one right now that is front and center and nothing is going to change until that changes.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 23rd of January 2015 09:21:10 PM
Of course she is never hopeless because the doors of AA are always open. She may claim that addiction is not the problem, but whether she believes that deep down is another issue.
It was very helpful for me to find a good psychologist who was trained to help families affected by alcoholism and drug addiction. I asked folks following a meeting if they knew anybody who was really good and his name was given to me. I needed both Al-Anon and a trained therapist to help me through that time. Perhaps that would help you, too?
All the worry in the world will not save our loved ones, serenity. I can understand your concerns especially given the suicides in your family and it doesn't mean your daughter will commit suicide. I'm wondering if it might be helpful to you and to her to look at her strengths, too? Active addicts and alcoholics are often very resourceful people although the way they live is often not to our liking. I also can't help but wonder if perhaps the disease might be manipulating you? We listen to what they say. They watch what we do. My son knows exactly what buttons to push in me. Al-Anon and my therapist both helped me figure out what some of those buttons were and gave me tools not to react.
Reading and MIP is good medicine and yet, based on my experience, without the face to face meetings and my therapist, they wouldn't have been as helpful to me back then as the books and MIP are to me now. I do hope you will start attending meetings. They will make a big difference in how you're thinking and feeling about yourself in relationship to your daughter.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of January 2015 12:11:15 AM
Of course she is never hopeless because the doors of AA are always open. She may claim that addiction is not the problem, but whether she believes that deep down is another issue.
Take good care of yourself!
Agree with Mattie.....AND if you let her come home, u r enabling her....she needs to fall and fall hard to learn, I guess...it happens...some of them have to crash totally on the bottom b4 they reach out.......
your only hope of helping her is to NOT help her.....love her but let her fall!!! let her learn the hard lessons due to her denial......if you keep helping her you are sabotaging any chance of her being forced into recovery and dn't buy the promises , if she makes them, that she will go to AA and couselling if she comes home...you KNOW that she has to want recovery SOOOO bad and even then, relapses are common.......its up to you
I would increase my al-anon meetings and focus on myself , literature, steps, do you have a sponsor??? if not, I would get one and begin working on me.....cutting her loose to walk her own path is the only merciful thing you can do for you and for her........
and as Mattie says....take good care of yourself!!!! she is big girl...time to take care of her own messes....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Remembering that I was powerless over alcoholism and the alcoholic, helped me to continue to keep the focus on myself and seek help , courage and wisdom from alanon face to face meetings.
This is a dreadful disease so that Letting go of the problem and Letting God guide my loved one and myself was the only answer.
Prayers for courage and wisdom never go unanswered.
Thank you grateful, neshema, hotrod and Mattie for your responses. I go back over my posts frequently and re read responses and try to pull the wisdom from them. It is also a good tool to see if I am simply staying stuck or moving forward. Today is a better day because my thinking is clearer today and I feel like I have some resolve to face whatever comes my way for today. It is stunning how ones out of control thoughts leads to chaotic impulsive actions. Funny grateful how you wondered if the disease was manipulating me as they know what buttons to push. My husband said the exact same thing to me and he has never set foot in an alanon meeting nor picked up a book lol.
One of the mistakes I made was to know the truth and to discount it. It muddied the waters for me. I was so busy trying to be understanding, patient, helpful and tolerant, I refused to acknowledge that I was being manipulated and emotionally abused by my own adult child's disease. My therapist cared about me enough to say it directly to me. I didn't like what he said and I knew the truth of what he said. I can remember leaving his office and driving home. On the 30 minute ride back, I was able to discard all the ways I was ignoring what was really true (and I knew inside it was true) and making decisions on how I was going to handle things from that moment on. I didn't need my therapist to tell me how to handle it. I just needed my therapist to be direct and help affirm what was being clouded up in me by my desire to help my son take better care of himself in ways I'd hoped he'd do it. Didn't work for me. Didn't work for him. Sounds like your husband is seeing what he's seeing and loves you enough to say it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of January 2015 11:54:44 AM
I know from experience how hard this is. The panic and fear can be overwhelming. I learned that being in my sons life as the one with the answers, the one who can fix it, the one who suffers it all just allowed it to go on and on. If you continue to be in the middle of her life and disease then it wont ever change. I thought as my sons mother i had the words to make him see sense, there are no words, no talks are going to change this. Backing off, changing your tune, try telling her you know she can work this out all on her own, have faith in her. Start living your ownlife. show her the example, that your not waiting to live for anyone or anything.shes an adult, the longer you baby her the longer she will be a baby.
Thank you el-cee. I have been reading getting them sober today. In the book it talks about alcoholics like other people know when you are making excuses for them, and doing for them what they should be doing for themselves- always sacrificing for them results in less respect they have for you. "How many doormats do you admire" really jumped out at me, whens the last time you saw a person acting like a doormat and thought now there's an admirable person". I realized that somehow I have allowed myself to be a doormat. Its actually a bit shocking to me because I have never ever thought of myself or acted in this way with anyone else. I swear I can feel my backbone growing as I sit here lol. I do have faith in her. I know how smart she is. Today I am putting my faith in her abilities.
Theres another non alanon book that i found helpful called, dont let your kids kill you. Its written by a guy who had two sons who were addicts and he used alanon to save his life from the road his sons diseases were taking him down. He was ill, had no life, financilly ruined, lost family, friends, reached rock bottom just through being obsessed and addicted to his sons.
Alanon face to face were where i got the support, the human contact was vital for me.
