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Without going into a long story, I just want to vent over the fact that now my AH claims he wants to buy a house. 3 days ago he wanted to stay here and buy me out. I found a rental, they are willing to work with my unemployed self, and I was ready to sign the lease today and now AH throws out the, "I've found a great house to buy! Yay, me." Umm, OK, so am I staying in this house? Should I still look at this rental? Are we putting this house on the market because then we have lots of work to do around here.
So infuriated right now. I typed up 3 scenarios for him earlier this week that allowed for him to keep this house and to buy me out in various ways. I gave specifics with dollar figures, I put in the easiest rationalizations I could come up with, and he agreed that it all sounded good and thanked me for my thoroughness. NOW THIS?
He then told me that he just wants to pay me off and buy me out with a lump sum instead of paying for support over and over again each month. I thought this actually might be a good idea because he isn't working his job very well and there's no guarantee that he will stay employed and be able to pay support.
He also wants to know how I'm going to bury him financially and that he just wants to avoid prison. Oh boy......I'm so very tired right now. Worn out and feeling beaten up. I have to lead my meeting tonight. Probably a good thing, too, or else I might have wound up going to bed. Sigh....
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Sounds like a good idea to take the money in a lump sum. Prison? That sounds like a smart comment my AH would make. ugh. It would be nice if you didn't have to rent. Just my 2 cents.
Andromeda: I understand your fatigue. I've been there. Negotiating with a person who is constantly in flux mentally and emotionally and trying to nail them down to one plan you both can live with isn't possible. What I don't understand is how he can be in business and do okay with that and still be so wishy-washy with you? I can remember seeing my attorney who later agreed to meet with the x and me for a reason I don't remember. When the x left the office, my attorney looked at me and said: "I don't know how you lived with that man for 8 years and stayed sane. I spent 1/2 an hour with him and didn't think I could stand one more minute." Your AH would drive me nutz, too.
I'm glad you have something else to do tonight will provide you with something to focus on that will be an upper for you rather than a downer. Sending prayers for peace and guidance.
Bonnie i know what i am going thru. My ah really doesnt want
To give me anything, so we are still at a stalemate with lawyers.
I am at the house he is not, but he still wants back in me out.
Last time he offered me 50,000 equity on home or sell immediately.
There are many other assets and spousal support he did not discuss them.
He knows the realities he loves to push the pencil and project figures.
And 50,000 was a joke for equity on the property.
A friend of mine recently said that negotiating with someone whose reality is skewed (like an alcoholics) is like trying to push a tumbleweed with a feather. I liked that analogy, LOL.
Thanks, everyone. I had agreed to mediation but I am thinking that the lawyer may be my best bet, as much as I hate paying for one. It may be money well spent.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I saw Dr. Phil's show a week or so ago. He had an active alcoholic and his x plus their cocaine addict daughter on the show. Dr. Phil couldn't get a straight answer from this guy no matter what direction he went and said so. Later, he gave the ex-wife heck because she didn't handle things with the x on behalf of the daughter in a way that worked for the daughter. The woman said: "Show me how to do that. You can't even do it. How do you expect me to do it." I nodded my head. My thought was: "You live with him, D.P. Then, let us know how it's done."
Fortunately, you have a meeting to go tonight and maybe Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off," will help you, too?
I would agree with getting the lawyer. He's getting irrational enough that it might be worth your serenity. Whenever he starts talking about whatever, just give him a card with your attorney's number on it. I have a feeling you would need a bunch of those cards!
So, everyone,I am beyond discouraged. I feel like I am making plans without a plan. Mainly because my plan requires AH to cooperate. I only have enough cash to get me through about 6-9 months before I would truly need the money out of the house and/or the 401K. I have a ton of what if's running through my head. My immediate future relies on AH doing what needs to be done. I have no job, a few prospects but nothing really big income producing, and I am signing a lease next week???? What is wrong with me?
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda: Maybe your plans and his plans aren't the plans your HP has in mind for you? Maybe just letting go for a bit and letting God work on some of this might be a help? Just a suggestion.
I also agree with getting a lawyer. You need the proceeds from your ownership in the home to continue with your life, time to start protecting yourself.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
The agreement is finalized when he signs papers. Meanwhile it stands to reason that he would try on umpteen different plans. That's the way their mind works, plus it keeps you off-balance, which is a bonus for them. I imagine he'll be trying to change the plan even once the papers are signed, but the good thing is that he won't be able to.
I think there's a reason many people handle this by having their lawyer get the papers signed, so they never have to be in the same room with the A. It's like dealing with someone who only has short-term memory. Talk about crazy-making!
Grateful, I saw that Dr Phil show. I don't like him as much anymore. he is turning into Maury the way he has such drama on his show.
i love Taylor Swifts songs! especially Shake it Off. And i love the line in her other song "Boys only want love if it's torture. Don't say I didn' warn you!" lol
So, you saw what I saw. Knowing how often I tried to reason with and work with my x on behalf of our children with counselors, etc as guides and helpers and Al-Anon, too, I'd just love to see people who have never had to deal with an active A while trying to raise children try it for one year themselves. They might not be so sure of their opinions - expert or otherwise - anymore.
I also agree with getting a lawyer. You need the proceeds from your ownership in the home to continue with your life, time to start protecting yourself.
AGREE with this.....get an attorney...you can't negotiate with an alcoholic.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm feeling very beaten down. Ready to throw in the towel and just stay married to him for the next few years until my son is more independent and managing his own life. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally right now.
I haven't watched Dr Phil for a very long time, didn't even know he was still on the air, LOL.
What Mattie said was key: the short term memory thing, which I like to refer to as selective memory is really causing problems here. I hate having conversations with him because each day is a different take on things. I like doing everything via email because then I can show him what he wrote or responded to when things get crazy making. Unfortunately, when you live in the same house as them, they like to corner you.
He just sat down now and started talking to me about the printer I purchased for myself and how I should maybe spend up because this one doesn't do envelopes, yet just a few hours ago he was telling me how I'm going to have to change my spending habits moving forward. It truly is crazy making!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Meeting was great. My sponsor was there, she was our guest speaker, and we talked for a long time in the parking lot afterwards.
I think I am changing my mind about moving out even though I felt that a door opened with the one lessor who was willing to accept me. If I don't get some big lump sum of cash within a few months, I will seriously be hurting and I don't want to be a risk for these owners, I want to be responsible and I want to take responsible risks, if there is such a thing. This may not be the most responsible thing to do.
Grateful, as you said, basically 'let go and let God'. I hit my knees and cried out earlier asking God to grant me wisdom so I can know where to turn and what my next step will be.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I'm so glad you enjoyed the meeting and got to hang out with you sponsor, too.
One day at a time was all I could handle and confusion and frustration were definitely my indicators that I had hit a wall and needed to ask for the courage and willingness to do what God wanted me to do in the circumstances that were mine one day at a time. S/He never let me down and things didn't go the way I'd hoped they would. They did go in a way I didn't expect and looking back, I am grateful for it all.
Prayers for serenity and a quiet rest tonight, Bonnie.
Andromeda, I am also confident you can find a job. It will take putting out like 20 resumes a day and that is hard to do while home schooling. Try not to under estimate your earning potential. I know its scary but don't get paralyzed into inaction if you don't need to.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 24th of January 2015 12:12:01 AM
Thanks Pink! I know I will find something, too, but I also know that I can't start full time work until next fall. Right now, my son isn't driving (failed his permit test twice) and his math tutoring which is midday twice a week can't be rescheduled to a more optimal time. I checked with the principal of the school already and told her my situation. I'm kinda stuck with where I'm at right now for about the next 6-9 months.
I don't feel paralyzed. I feel like I need to be smart and I just don't think I can rely on him to get me what I need until I actually have a divorce decree and financial agreements in writing. Counting on him to follow through on anything is proving to be frustrating because it's always something new: I'm going to buy a house....no, I want to stay here....now I want you to stay here, a friend has a room I can rent....no, now I want to buy you out....no, wait, now I think I can buy a house again.....you can rent....why don't you buy a house....wait.....what?
That is how it is talking to him.....insanity at it's finest. I can't expect rational from an irrational person, right. Last night I got woken up at 3:30 in the AM by him. Know what he was doing? He was lying on his back in the family room squeaking one of the dog's toys over and over again. I thought there was an animal in the house and my dog, who was sleeping with me, didn't even want to check it out. So, I get up and go see and find him laying there and he says, "Oh, I thought the dog would come." Ummm, nope, but thanks for waking all of us idiot. My son said he woke up too, but he didn't get out of bed. Took me 2 hours to fall back to sleep. IRRATIONAL......UGH!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
LOL! Bonnie, I know none of this is probably funny to you right now - especially with your sleep being interrupted. But, the picture of a guy lying on the couch at 3:30 in the morning squeaking a dog's toy that the dog knew he wasn't going for and his being "surprised" that the continual squeaking woke you up is funny to me. I think because I can relate to it and the crazy things that happened in my own marriage. I had to keep finding humor in the situation or I would have been broken into a million pieces and unable to hang on to even a semblance of sanity through all of the nonsense that happened and that I kept living in at the time.
I do hope that your living situation can be changed sooner than later. Lack of sleep is no laughing matter.
He's going to change like the wind. I would highly recommend you have something in writing by the atty in terms of a divorce settlement and as soon as he says I want to blah blah .. hand him the paperwork to sign or go directly to the atty's office with him in tow to get things signed. If not .. they will say one thing and do another. This is just his way of controlling or at least that is what I found with my XAH. The other thing is child support may be different however the alimony he could do in a blanket payment. States don't like to do a bulk payment in child support or I should say that has been my experience in listening to different stories about it. I DO encourage you to get the bulk payment in alimony if you are asking for it. Child support is living and it will change. What I mean by that is .. you or he can go back and have it modified as far as him not paying .. Uniform Order of Support .. that gets the job done. It is not an option.
Anyway, just my two cents .. hugs S .. always strike when the iron is hot because that iron will cool in an instant!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Grateful, yes I see the humor in it. And, he wasn't on the couch....he was lying splayed out on the floor on his back with his arms outstretched with the squeaky toy in one hand. That was way more funny than being on the couch!
SRUS: thanks for the input. We talked about a lump sum payment and I told him that child support can't be handled that way. He was shocked. I told him he could always appeal to the courts to get it changed if his job changes, etc. And, yes, if I could get a lump sum payment that would work out great. The question is: is he even willing or capable of following through? UGH
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
HP bless you, Andromeda. You could hang in there much longer than I could have ever done. I might have wanted to step directly onto his stomach about that time. I wouldn't have done it. I still would have wanted to do it. Compassion for myself in a situation like that led me out of that crazy making stuff. If I lost it completely, my kids would have had no reasonably sane person to count on at that time. All I can say is that your AH and my x were very lucky men. They married two women who refused to injure them even when they were behaving as ours have behaved.
Ok .. now I'm snorting laughing because all I could think was I'm sorry none of us look good in Prison Orange and I don't care if it's the new black .. it just doesn't work for me. I think our children have saved these men from time to time is putting it mildly.
Hugs S:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
LOL! Serenity!!!!! Another fun post. Yes, we have loved them enough not to bring vengeance to bear on them - and that doesn't mean I didn't want to - although I did find myself hoping one day when he was once again the verbally and physically abusive person he could be - that he'd die in a car accident. I knew then, I was in big, big trouble and had to do something to change whatever it was I needed to change. Oooooooooo, I can remember those years and fortunately, I made the changes before I acted out something that would have harmed him. Scary thoughts, those were.
Shaking my head.....
So, you saw what I saw. Knowing how often I tried to reason with and work with my x on behalf of our children with counselors, etc as guides and helpers and Al-Anon, too, I'd just love to see people who have never had to deal with an active A while trying to raise children try it for one year themselves. They might not be so sure of their opinions - expert or otherwise - anymore.