The material presented
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Hello - I'm new to this group and not even sure this is where I'm meant to be. My partner doesn't drink. He hasn't drunk for 2 years. He stopped himself because he knew he couldn't handle it and hasn't attended more than a couple of AA meetings. He says he doesn't need them. However, he has pretty severe mental health issues. Clinical depression, paranoia, and this past year what has now been diagnosed as psychosis. He stopped his anti- depressants in early summer (saying he didn't need them...) and I finally asked him to leave in September. It wasn't a 'decision' I came to in the traditional sense, but more a visceral, out of body, I need to save myself or I'm going to die, get the hell out of here scream. Since then we had 4 or 5 more weeks of insanity and denial and then he finally accepted he needs help and went back on meds in November and has been getting some support from the hospital. It's been a rocky road but the last couple of visits to see our 4 year old he seems to be stabilizing. Not so heavily depressed and anxious (his mental state changes its form). Seeming more 'normal'. And he wants to move back in and be a family again.
So what to do?
Even though he doesn't drink when I read the experiences of so many of you with alcoholic husbands so much resonates. The psychotic episodes where he's all over the place, raging from a to b to z, upsetting the emotional equilibrium in me, our son, our home. (I've just recently realized how much these are like drunken binges. The only thing missing is the drink). The way it progressed from the self hate he suffers from, to 'everybody else' is the problem, to yelling at me that I'm the problem. The coping mechanisms I've put in place; stepping on eggshells, making excuses, doing everything for us financially, domestically, socially. The utter disorientation I've felt, discombobulating, unable to plan anything, confusion as to why things are so bad when there's nothing really wrong, fear he's going to kill himself. I even feel it in my skin, that tingling panicky stress reaction when you think it could 'kick off' or this is it, he's not kidding this time. The control I tried, and failed to exert, in trying to prop up his moods, talk through his problems, rationalize his paranoias for hours and hours and hours, making sure he eats regularly, sleeps, takes his meds. The lies I've tolerated that just seem to easily trip off his tongue, just saying what he thinks I want to hear rather than the truth. The frustrated bewilderment I've felt when he's quit jobs out of the blue, abandoned friends, misinterpreted regular conversations. The feeling that I've been living in a parallel universe where I'm carrying on a facade of normality but inside there's this turmoil wracked by confusion about what is normal, what am I meant to expect anyway?
And yet with all that he's also a warm, caring, emotionally intelligent, artistic, funny, sociable, great-with-our-son, doing his best with a difficult illness guy. A lot of the time. But just not all the time. And less and less over the last year. But maybe he will become again. If we all just work at it and focus on love and trust and give it another chance. Everyone's worth another chance aren't they, especially with a child involved?
So I just don't know what to do.
I'd already been introduced to Al-anon due to other family members but this time I am actually going to do it properly. I need to. I want to. I want to work the program and sort myself out. This whole experience with my partner has made me realize more than ever how much I participate in my own demise due to old habits. I've got to stop. So I'm trying to focus on me, not him, but it's hard. (especially because I've got a whole load of ideas of what will help him and what he should do...!) I think I've just about got step 1 under my belt (though that's wobbly sometimes) and am really working towards steps 2 and 3. I'm all out of ideas so trying to access my HP to give me a hand. Over the past 3 months I feel much calmer, stronger, steadier. I've been better with my son, started a new job and reconnected with friends. I'm trying to just live in today. Too much forward thinking leads to panic and past reflection just confuses and angers me. I do have massive sobbing wobbles sometimes and I know I've still got a load of emotional stuff to deal with but I'm trying to just move forward as best I can.
But I don't know what to do. He wants to come back home. Move back in and be a family. He wants to have a big talk about it all. I don't really want to have a big talk. I just want it all to be alright and for the problem to go away. I don't know what to trust. I don't know what is genuine love and care and what is care-taking. I don't know what are the normal ups and downs of relationships and what is unacceptable. I don't want to throw a good man on the scrap heap just because he's ill. I do want to have a good life and happy home. I don't know what to do. So I've been asking my higher power, and now I'm asking you.
I've just realized this is an essay. Sorry about that, but it's helped to write it down and it will help to send it out into the universe (that's you btw). Thankyou for listening!
Welcome to the board! I understand your situation. My AH has mental health issues too. Even on medication, he battles with many issues. We separated in March. Do what you need to do for yourself and your child. In my experience, mental health issues don't just go away. Talking always turned out badly for us....we would talk in circles and never get anywhere. Al Anon has helped me a lot. I read a lot, go to meetings and I have a sponsor. Take one day at a time.
In my experience, mental health issues don't just go away. Talking always turned out badly for us....we would talk in circles and never get anywhere. Al Anon has helped me a lot. I read a lot, go to meetings and I have a sponsor. Take one day at a time.
I agree with this....you have a LOT of stuff on your plate...U sure you want to get back with someone this sick???? put the child through more episodes????? I woudl go to as many face to face alanon meets as i could get into, b/c the only thing you can help is you and there is nothing you can do to help or change him....
A good relationship isn't supposed to be so much WORK....so much hassle w/so many problems, yea, everday stuff, yea, but this on top of it???? he has a history of drama/chaos with you, why do you think its gonna work this time???
I feel for him, but i feel most for the little child
"He doesn't need" the meds??? other help???? sounds like he is no way near to surrendering to any program to help him....
I would think hard on this, while i go to a bunch of meetings....TAKE CARE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome gillygilly Alanon suggests that we make no major life changes until we are in program for at least 6 months to a year. I am glad you intend to go back to alanon and " really work it"
I would suggest that you wait a time until you feel more comfortable making the decision and have new constructive alanon tools to live by.
Welcome. What I hear in your self-share is a lot of emotional and mental distress when you consider him returning to the home with you? Loving and trusting yourself first is primary. My x was never diagnosed with a mental disorder, but I know he had one because I lived with him. I know what he did and what he did was bizarre at times and is in line with what you are saying about your husband. He also used and abused alcohol, drugs and me. There was another side to him that was charming, witty and approachable. But, I saw the underside of him more that the upside of him throughout most of our marriage. I couldn't live with it and pretty much numbed up to protect myself in relationship to him while living with him. Scientists have determined that even our skin screams when we are in very awful situations. Based on your description of yourself, it sounds like your skin is screaming, too. I can't help but wonder if you really do know what you need and want to do, but you are afraid of doing it?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 23rd of January 2015 07:16:36 PM
I'm glad you have found us. I just wanted to make one suggestion. I know that what you describe can be the result of mental illness without any other factors. Another possibility to consider is that he is drinking again. Even on top of the mental illness. My A was so sneaky with the drinking - even now I have never seen him take a drink, even though I've found the bottles, the receipts, etc. etc. - plenty to confirm the drinking. But he is so extra sneaky that for years he denied he was drinking and I believed it because I thought I would have seen it somehow. That secrecy is characteristic of alcoholism.
Of course they won't admit it if they are still drinking. And the bottom line is that it doesn't matter - the rages, bizarre behavior, etc. is just the same and just as unbearable.
None of us wants to give up on someone, but if they are not acknowledging their issues and trying their best to get better (taking their meds, working with professionals, in formal programs, etc.), then our caring goes into a black hole of turmoil and abuse. Our caring can soften their landing so much that they fail to get help, because we've protected them from the real consequences of their decisions.
I hope you'll stick around, and take good care of yourself!
You don't have to have a big talk if you don't want to. Take care of you first. Take your time making any decision and not be pushed into something that you are not sure about, especially when there is a little child involved. Its only been a couple of months since he has taken back responsibility for his mental health. My take is give yourself time and if you are not sure, wait. The answer will come.
Thankyou all so much for your feedback, or rather, for sharing your e/s/h. I really need it right now. Just had a(nother) emotionally tumultuous weekend with my partner at his parents house. I went there yesterday evening so my son could see them all and also because I really like his parents and they're very understanding. It started off well but this afternoon I just got more and more overwhelmed my the emotion of it all. I need to focus on getting my equilibrium back.
We did have that big talk. Luckily it just happened naturally and it turned out he wanted to tell me he's found a one bedroom flat. He asked if he should take it and I said yes (actually, I think I just didn't say no...). I was relieved he wasn't pushing to come back but also the reality of it being the end began to sink in. I feel very very sad and 'why has this happened to me' and also horribly sorry and responsible for my son. He's been a very tearful despondent little boy this evening when we told him.
Thankyou for the advice, especially for reminding me that relationships shouldn't be this much hard work! I really don't think he's drinking again but is easily a 'dry drunk' and gets drunk on chaos and emotional abuse. i know he's trying to take responsibility for himself now and only reached that decision because he got thrown out. You're right that it's no good to soften the consequences. I just really don't trust that his recovery is reliable without him doing a proper recovery program and also, like you say, I don't think his mental health problems will ever go away. The meds are pretty good but they can't fix the whole thing. We'll just see what come of the next few weeks, one day at a time. I'll do my best to stay positive and look after myself and support my son. i'll do my best to let my partner travel his own road while I stay caring but detached. I'll do my best to try to understand my own boundaries and responsibilities and what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I'll get to meetings when I can and otherwise do my reading and journaling and talking it through. Thankyou!
That's the most you can do from what I've read here. Thanks for the check in. The program will help you learn how to do what you want to learn. Keep coming back here, too.
Aloha Gilly an welcome to the board from the other side of the planet. You sound wide awake and intuitive and for me that sounds like you still have some assets and skill still put together and whole. Keep in mind that our disease is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions...this isn't about just take your meds and we'll be fine. The last word of the second step of both Al-Anon and AA is Sanity ...meaning being restored to it and the realization that it will take a power much greater than ourselves to get us there without a fight.
Yes...get into the program with all intention and desire and energy and come learn what we have learned...each of us as individuals making up a world wide whole. Our disease is world wide and it is older than time itself. This didn't start yesterday or just a week ago and it isn't going to be over in a short period of time either. When I work with sponsees I encourage them to know and understand their own symptoms rather than the ones displayed by their alcoholics and addicts. My job is me and it is to my own self that I must be true. When my alcoholic/addict wife was my addiction I approached the doors of suicide because under my own power and lack of awareness all I could come up with was failure after failure after failure. Insanity and death are two of the consequences of unhealed alcoholism.
Keep coming back and let us know how the meetings come out for you. When you share about your meetings in the UK others in your area can be guided also.
