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Post Info TOPIC: Feeling Frustrated and Being Negative ALL OF THE TIME!


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Feeling Frustrated and Being Negative ALL OF THE TIME!


So as you may know, my AH (who is partial denial) stopped drinking for 30 days on his own to prove to me that he "doesn't have a problem." You and I know that this won't work. What I find is that even though he is currently sober and a dry drunk, I keep treating him like he is still drinking. I feel like I can't be nice to him or that will send the wrong message that I'm okay with the situation. Did you find that you were all doom and gloom when your loved one was actively drinking? Can I have fun with him? Will that send him the wrong message that I'm okay with the drinking? I want to save our marriage but I honestly don't want to even go on a date night because I feel like he needs to be "punished." I'm sure that its the wrong way to look at it but I just feel so much bitterness towards him that he won't go to therapist or AA. I am working on this with my therapist but it's like trying to talk to a brick wall with my husband.

Thanks for your support!



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~*Service Worker*~

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I don't think that having fun with your husband is sending a wrong message.  I do think that believing he should be punished for being sick might be a problem for you?  He isn't a bad boy.  He's a sick man.  I don't know what another adult needs to do or not do to because I'm simply not them.  I do know that when I feel a desire to punish somebody, I'm probably mad at myself and need to show myself some mercy and kindness whatever form that might take for me.  I don't deserve to be punished either because I have my own issues to work on.  I can let up on myself, drop the whip, and do something that will be pleasant for me.



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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I guess punishment isn't the right word choice. I just feel like I'm sending the message that I'm okay with how we are living (which I'm 100% NOT).

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi flagbabe,

Punishment comes out of anger in my experience. And anger in and of itself is not a bad thing, it is a warning to you, sent from your intuition, that something is wrong. But now you are conscious of it, so you can do something with it. I try to explore why I am angry, trying to put my finger on it, instead of reacting to it. I ask myself why I am angry, what did someone else do to provoke it, etc, sometimes I get back surprising answers once I have really done an analysis on it. Once I have all that, I can decide how to act.

Also, having gone through the first step, I realize I am powerless over my wife and whether or not she uses alcohol. So all of my anger that i have spent really does nothing except keep me in a roiling upset state. My acceptance of the first step gave me permission to either figure out how to put up with it, generally by detachment, or how to get out, which I have not yet needed to do.

In the process I have found character defects of my own to work one. So while I have been busy working on those, my wife's recovery or lack thereof has been not so much a concern.

the message that I was ok or not with my wife's drinking should have been sent with words, but often it wasn't. I finally deployed "say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean" with her, and discovered I was able to say my peace, let go of some of my anger (and vent the rest here or at F2F meeting) and move on so that I could enjoy my wife when was appropriate, and let her have her drunkenness when appropriate. I quit taking it personally.

I hope you can get to some face to face meetings so you can get some good face-to-face help with this, in the meantime keep coming back here too!

Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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It sounds as if you are angry and guarded, which is totally understandable.  Wise to be guarded against someone who is not working a program.  And it sounds as if he wants to pretend that the problem is all solved when you know it's not at all.  I hated going along with his pretense that there wasn't a problem.

That said, an atmosphere of hostility is unpleasant and hard on you too. 

I like the idea of using the saying "Say what you mean..." to address this.  I don't know what that would look like exactly, but it stands to reason that a healthy response would involve you being authentic without being mean.  Worth thinking over how that might look?



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~*Service Worker*~

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Communication is key in any marriage. I could see that communicating that the 1 month "to prove I'm not an alcoholic" thing is upsetting because to you, that is the same as saying "I will wait a month before being a lush again." So basically, you are having problems easing up because you are bracing for the crapstorm to start up again in a few weeks. You do not always have to agree but its hard to be intimate and/or have fun with someone you can't even communicate with. I could see saying some of this not to goad or contol him to go to AA, but for the sake of communication and validating your own feelings and thoughts to him....even if he diagrees...at least then you may be able to say "okay hony. Your choice but I stated my feelings. Love you." Then detach.

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Senior Member

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Flag babe, I remember that feeling. it became suffocating for me. Its like you are being forced to swallow something bad for you. You know where it will lead and you don't want to take that reaction road. Kenny gave some good esh. I guess there's no point in trying to change his mind. He will continue to kid himself until he can't if that ever happens. I guess you can tell him firmly but nicely as far as you can see his action is not addressing the problem so for you its still there and will be until something changes. Then hot tail it to meetings, counselling , and try take care of you without involving him. So very difficult I know. Keep coming back.

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Senior Member

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Hey there - My I've had six years of sporadic sober times. Some as long as 14 months... Until he does it for himself, I fear it will be a long and painful road for you. I TRULY hope your experience is different - I just tell you this to minimize expectations, as crushed ones are excruciating (as I'm sure you know). This disease is evil. I am new here and also in an awful spot - so all I can do is relate, sympathize, and pray for you.

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