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Post Info TOPIC: AH sober 50 days but sleep all the time and then complains the rest


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AH sober 50 days but sleep all the time and then complains the rest


hi all! I need some advice on how to detach from my ah who is 50 days sober but is hard to deal with. He works where I work yet goes in late all time complaining he can't sleep and then whines a lot about how he hates going to meetings all the time. If I don't say anything he gets mad if I do he gets mad. This recovering for me feels a lot like it did when he was drinking. How do u detach when they are ranting at you constantly about crap? last night he just went in and on. At 10pm and then got himself all worked up and couldn't sleep till 3. He lies about the sleep by the way because he is always sleeping or laying down he is 40 . He said he had lots of energy when he got out but now he just can't catch up because he has to go to meetings all the time I told him not to worry about me do what it takes to stay sober but he just won't stop even when I ask him. Help! 



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This is my first time ever on this site.  I'm looking for support while I'm sitting at work thinking a million thoughts running through my head.  My AH is about 40 days sober and I'm experiencing a lot of the same things you are.  The recovery does feel a lot the same when he was drinking.  Our family therapist referred to it as "dry drunk".  You can google the term but basically here's a few excerpts:  It is used to describe those who no longer drink alcohol but in many ways behave like they were still in the midst of addiction.  The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same. Friends and family can complain that the dry drunk is almost as hard to be around as they were when drinking. In AA, they describe it as a person that hasnt touched alcohol in years, but have not yet managed to get sober.

Has he seen anyone to possibly take a sleep aid?  My husband is on them and I won't lie it's good in some ways but other ways drives me crazy because he's horrible to get up in the morning so I think they need to adjust his levels yet.

I think that the best thing we can do is continue to be supportive, work on our coping with this tough time ourselves, and hope and pray that they get through this tough time and continue to grow in their AA meetings or whatever course they are taking to recovery so that they can learn new ways to cope with the hardships in life and be great partners to us.

I don't know if I was of much help but wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this.

Jessica



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Jessica


~*Service Worker*~

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To me, this reads like him handing off his disease to you and alanon will aid you to hand it back to him in a way that is assertive, detached, but not uncaring. My suggestion for much of the inane "ranting" would be comments such as "I know this early sobriety is challenging honey. Sounds like stuff you might want to talk to your sponsor about." If he doesn't have one "Sounds like this stuff is stuff a sponsor would help you with." You can detach, step away from his struggle and not accept the role of being his sponsor, or listening to him whine and rant. Being a "supportive spouse" does not mean absorbing unacceptable behaviors. Alanon has ways/tools for you to get out of the way of his disease, side step it, and/or hand it back to him while still being empathic and caring. He is far from the first person to get sober using AA. So really it makes sense that you not be the one to listen or get involved in those discussions...Again, "Maybe it would be helpful for you to talk to other AA members about how they got used to sleeping and going to meetings all the time."I had all those issues in my early sobriety. Those are normal compaints but not ones you are equipped to answer or help him with. Hope this makes sense and is useful to you...both of you. You will probably get a negative reaction at first to setting these boundaries but it could help you to get out of the role of being target to your AH's early sobriety challenges and coping deficiencies.

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Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone. :) I needed that! And the suggestions are great. I seems that there is not a lot of information for alanon member dealing with different stages of sobriety.. I wonder why actually. I guess I feel like I am apologizing to him for neding him still and not giving him time to heal but I give him the time and he still isn't better.. It is very frustration and lonely. I do wonder how everyone deals with this or handle it. I just want normal but I'm realizing that normal May not exist.

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To be honest helpangel I reckon it depends on how sobriety is defined. I've read in ala non that alcoholism's a spiritual disease..... I'd add ( though its probably been said already) its holistic, affecting mind body and soul. the dry drunks in ala non aren't differentiated from the wet drunks cos its not just consumption of alcohol that's the issue, its alcoholism, in its entirety. Sobriety for me is someone trying to be a whole person-- stumbles along the way for sure-- but is connected in heart, effort and awareness in life. An alcoholic whether wet or dry moans a lot, talks a lot, and also self defeats, hides.....etc. they take the easy looking hard way (drinking) and get resentful its not an option (denial). Baffling and cunning.

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It is tricky and you are right "normal" is a sticky word. At 6 years sober I am not all "normal." I have moments where my alcoholism is kicking my ass without me even drinking. Alanon is helpful because it gives you a "different" normal. It gives you faith and coping so that you feel okay no matter what happens with him. Keep reaching out! 50 days is so early on...I was totally batty still. I say this so you don't take it personal so much and disengage and spend time working on you and taking care of you faster and more fully. My sponsor also helped me clarify what I really "needed" versus wanted. If it is support and validation, you have it in alanon. You might not get your needs and wants met by him as much as you hoped at this stage. Alanon can help you get more creative in meeting your needs differently while he either recovers or doesn't. Prayers for you and I I am inspired by your honesty and the way you expess yourself. You have a lot going for you that you probably don't recognize right now.

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Continued attendance in meetings, talking member to member, reading your literature, finding a sponsor to work the steps, going to open AA meetings to listen to their speakers will help you learn what you want to know. Normal is a subjective term to me. It sets me up to want what I can't have rather than enjoy what I do have. I have yet to meet any family - alcoholic or not - that doesn't have stressors, difficulties and really hard, hard things to face and go through. Since Al-Anon is a program for those of us who are affected by alcoholism and are not alcoholics, our focus is more on us and our need to deal with our own issues then to watch the alcoholic and figure out where they are in their healing process. Perhaps AA has that kind of information? Or maybe one of our double winners on our board can weigh in with their experience/strength/hope on the different stages of healing for a recovering A? I can only say that before Al-Anon, I thought only my x had a problem. After Al-Anon, I realized how much work I needed to do on me to recover from a generational disease that did affect me. I hope you will get involved in the program for you. It can and will make a big difference for you that will be important for your healing and recovery from being affected by the disease of alcoholism.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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One of the statements I learned in early Al-Anon when I was in this position was "Tell your sponsor".  The most dangerous person the alcoholic can go to for help or a fix is their "enabler".   I proved that one right and it sent my alcoholic/addict wife back out on another 5 year run and we lost everything.   "Call your sponsor...tell your sponsor...what does your sponsor say?..."  any thing similar to that including Sorry I'm not your sponsor.   Keep coming back.  (((((hugs))))) smile



-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 11:58:56 PM

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He came in tonight just grumpy again. I'm not sure I can do this much longer. I am tired of his pity party and "I feel weird because I went to therapy and had to open up my feelings" so I'm in a bad mood and I am going to follow u around the house and whine about how I feel.. What in th heck I said I was contend and didn't feel anything right now I guess my tone was wrong and he left the room finally. I can't be around it all the time I just want peace can that exist with an alcoholic?

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Practice, practice, practice..."call your sponsor".   wink



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To answer your question and in my experience: No, not an active one anyway.

To go on with the rest of my experience - even when I moved the x out of our house and away from me and my kids - things were more peaceful - but I wasn't - not interiorly anyway. I had been through what felt like a war and needed to heal while still trying to feed, house, clothe, educate and otherwise tend to my children. He was no help and he often was a hindrance. I needed the support and healing help required following a traumatic experience with an active A and abuser. Even if he hadn't been physically abusive, he had been emotionally and mentally abusive. I wasn't going to heal all by myself.

As you know, Al-Anon is a suggested program here. I also sought the help of professionals, peers and began doing things that made me happy which put me in touch with people who had the same passions I had.  Nobody outside of me could really tell me what to do or the best way to heal but listening to myself helped me find my own way.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 21st of January 2015 08:40:00 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 21st of January 2015 08:48:42 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Of course there are incidences of people recovering and becoming more emotionally mature and developing better coping skills in AA. You need not bank your happiness or serenity on whether or not her makes that progress or not and in what timeline it happens in. Work your own program in alanon to keep yourself sane and supported by folks that understand. I am 6 years sober and have a wonderful peaceful marriage. It took time for me to have a mature relationship and act more like a grown up rather than a whiny brat. I don't know how someone else could have put up with me in that first year....other than my sponsor whom I did call and whine to daily. Bless him...



-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 21st of January 2015 08:50:21 PM

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Hi I can only share my experience.

I am currently separated from partner he has been in AA for five years. He was sober for 6 months then 9 months and the . Last time he managed two years.  Drinking starts the craving and then he is gone. When he put the drink down he is still an alcoholic. I have seen him healthiest when he was . In rehab working the steps and going to meetings everyday. But if he stops taking his AA medicine he gets sick again mentally and that's when all this carp.behaviour starts. I know it's . Not personal but I also know he knows where the help is.  He is . Obviously not serious about recovery YET. So today I get out of the way when he , picks . Up. I have learnt to detach and try andkeep the focus on my life. I have decided I am going to make it if my partner does or not and I need al anon to do this.

 

Take care hugs Tracy xxxxx



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This is my first post hear, so thank you.

 

Thank you for your post, it sounds familiar! My ABF and I have dated for about a year and we live together. He has been sober for 12 years and some change. In the past year he has been through three jobs and been unemployed a total of 4 months and counting. He is 52 years old. He spends his days playing video games, and just hanging around the house. I work full time, have a side business, am on the neighborhood Board...so staying 'busy' is not my problem. When I ask him to do anything at all around here he blows up. He throws tantrums. He leaves. It affected me quite a lot at first, but I am very slowly, with baby steps and with the help of al anon learning to take care of myself and let him take care of himself. He may not be doing his AA work or staying in touch with his sponsor, but I am learning that I can't worry about that and just do my work anyway. 

Thank you! Good luck to you. Thank you too, to the person who posted the advice about practicing "tell your sponsor"...I will try that the first chance I get! 

 



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I believe he may have drank last night. I think I smelled it on him and he seems so guilty. We went to a therapist on Friday and all I said was I feel like a single parent and everything went south. He just went off on me, I got mad and walked out but then came back and he left while I talked to the therapist. The therapist said he holds all his hurts and when I say one certain thing it triggers an negative emotion in him and causes him to be really mean. I was like aha I got it., I tried to call him and txt him after the therapist and he "stonewalled" me and after several hours he finally texted me that we are toxic together and how he has never had a women or anyone talk to him like that and I have no respect for him and ect( stuff he said when he was drinking) after talking to family they reminded me that he will be sorry the next day and it will start all over again. I know now that nothing is going to change even though he is maybe sober and that he really is not well And if they do change it will take years and only if he decides to do the work in the meantime I get to choose to live this way or not. Now he is staying in an apt right now. We both agreed that he should stay at the apt but tonight he said he wanted to come in the morning And stupid me said yes (why?)Do I play the game for a couple of months so that I am more prepared or do I just freakin run. Any advice would be great. How do u I get away with the less possible drama- I have a child that (not his) he loves and I am not sure how to handle all this. 



-- Edited by Helpangel on Saturday 24th of January 2015 09:50:01 PM



-- Edited by Helpangel on Saturday 24th of January 2015 09:59:20 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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"...tonight he said he wanted to come in the morning...me said yes (why?)"

If you can ask that question of your self and listen closely for the answer you will know why and you may then know what to do next.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of January 2015 10:49:26 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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My honest answer on how I dealt with this exact behavior in my AH: I moved out and took my kids with me. I gave him many many chances in 12 years. We were co workers too until he got fired. He claimed to not get sleep even after I slept near him and saw him sleeping!! Sleeping is his favorite past time. He barely went to work and I couldn't take the insanity anymore. Al anon helped me make a decision.



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Saturday 24th of January 2015 11:36:00 PM

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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Three things help me when I want the least drama - which is pretty much all the time - I can always change my mind, "No" is a complete sentence, and walk away when done.

Kenny

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