Thursday night drunk texts from the exAH and..... - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thursday night drunk texts from the exAH and.....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

BF: If this is the way you see it, then it is. One thing I know about recovery work is that I am invited to take off masks in order to be true to myself. Maybe someone else would feel comfortable with the arrangement of being a girlfriend sitting at events for her bf's children with the x and for them it would be a valid way to view things. In your case, you aren't that person. Your view of it is as acceptable as anyone else's. He may be okay with her past behavior or even current behavior and yet he wasn't that comfortable with it or he'd still be married to her and not dating you. Live and let live is what comes to me.

If you know you aren't avoiding anything and simply aren't comfortable with hanging out like one big family, then perhaps validating yourself ie "I am not avoiding your x. I simply am not comfortable with this type of arrangement," would be helpful to you?

I did spend time with my "x" after several years had passed when the kids were involved with something and treated him like I would any person who had an interest in our children. I was not uncomfortable with it because we shared our children in common but I wasn't overly friendly and he wasn't either. We were civil because neither of us had a desire to do or be anything but parents to our kids at those times.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 21st of December 2014 03:48:26 PM

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I really like this post and the honesty that surrounds it. I have been single for four years and testing dating because quite frankly I don't think I am comfortable with this type of arrangement. I have tried and something in my value system stops me. I have tried shifting my belief system surrounding it and I sometimes think I might come around but I am not going to force the issue and try to practice some patience with myself.

I also liked that both of you in your posts were extremely direct. It gives me such great hope that I will be able to have those open, honest, compassionate relationships that I know do exist. I am not even talking about romantic relationships. I have a few and they are wonderful. I just struggled so long with letting go of the others.......so glad I no longer need to be a collector of souls....

Breaking... I think you are doing a wonderful job of working through it.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think i would feel the same way but i do have a problem with jealousy. Why do you think you feel this way? If its not jealousy then it might be worth digging deep and findi g out what it is, then you can use your program and work on it. For me, i can self sabotage relationships, its through my onw insecurities. Am i good enough? Why would someone want my company? Etc. Its not good and its stopped me from getting close to others.

Im not sure if you feel the same way but looking in on your situation, it looks like you have some inner work to do. Your bf sounds like a pretty healthy guy, his wife has issues yet hes not acting out resentment and bitterness, thats pretty good, i wojld be seeing that as a big thumbs up, not down. The opposite is what you had before. He sounds like a great father, his childrens well being means he has maintained a good relationship with his ex, another big big plus in my eyes. The opposite again is what you had before.

Healthy can be alien to us affected ones, i know it can make me jittery and suspicious. Thats all part of my sickness. If you bend things to look like you think they should then i think eventually you will have what you had before.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

BF I do understand I have been with my SO for over 27 years. Today he is going to his daughter's home for a Christmas celebration . As is usual his, ex wife will be there. I will not .

As I do each year, I decline attendance. and do my own thing. The children accept me, I am invited, it is not jealousy . I feel ihat out or respect for their former family union I do not want to be there and be the third wheel . I have felt this way from the beginning and have never gone to these functions(except the marriage of both children). They accept my position and no one gives me a difficult time

Look within and see what works for you and then do it

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The blended family thing is really confusing. I don't know how I would handle it BF. When I first started dating my husband, his ex was still living here and he was "helping" him to obtain his citizenship/green card. I admired his heart and saw he really was not wanting to be with the ex in a romantic way. Nonetheless, as time creeped on, about 9 months or so in the relationship, it got intolerable for me and it seemed like the ex was playing like the married on and I was some sort of concubine. He acted like it was his house and he was a lazy little crap that used his situation to not work, not help and to be bossy and controlling on top of it and he even tried to break us up. That is when I got jealous for real and things came to a head. I had an all out screaming match with the ex and then told my boyfriend that the ex had him by the nuts and I was leaving until things got fixed. It took me a couple years to settle down enough in my anger with him to even hear his name. Sound pretty non-program.

I only state all this because I have no idea how I would deal with being with someone that had an ongoing relationship because of kids. It was so hard just in the situation I had that I describe above.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

To thine own self be true, BF. I would not feel comfortable being a part of your boyfriend/ex's gatherings. This is my experience. My ex and I maintained respectful boundaries when our kids were young. We lived in a small town. We attended their activities in the same rooms, but not together. When I remarried, this type of behavior continued. We had frequent contact, as we lived close to one another and the kiddos had easy access to both of us. I was very mindful of providing an environment for my current husband where he would feel comfortable all the while maintaining a respectable relationship with my ex so our kids would feel comfortable. My ex and I never even considered doing family events "together".....that would have felt too much like enmeshment to me.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You know, saying I don't feel comfortable being around your ex and I won't put myself in that position. that is all one has `to say. You feel that way, you do not have to explain what makes you feel that way. You are an adult.

I would not want it either. Just not cool to me.

I like how the kiddo's can get away from the ex if he does drink. perfect.

Also no way would I go to kids events and sit with the ex wife. no way. For me, to support the kids with their mom to go see her etc is one thing. But he has no relationship with her as far as him. I would find it not something I would put up with. He is with me or her. period.

Would be a huge boundary for me.

It would hurt, but if he left you becuz of this boundary, then that means you are an option, I just learned never stay in a relationship when you are just an option. Also I like this too, when a relationship ends a door closes. Don't reopen it.

to me he is showing disrespect, expecting you to accept her.

hugs honey, YOU are doing great.

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