About the resume - you are a dynamo. I tire reading about all your accomplishments on a normal day. What employer wouldn't benefit from your demonstrated organization, understanding, communications and human interaction savvy? You just need a way to put this in a resume. Keep on mind that you have navigated getting your son what he needs and you have home schooled him. That's an immense accomplishment.
In a similar job search, I took advantage of my state's department of labor service to help us find our ideal jobs (really). We had classes in resume writing. The stay at home parents now looking for work explained the skills they had mastered outside the paid workforce. It was brilliant. Is there any service like that you could get to help you shine?

By bringing your fears here I believe you shrink them down to size.

I admire your accomplishments and desire to move forward. Well done.

I got hired by a prestigious third party administrator not primarily for my claims experience but because they were looking for a person who had accomplished credits to their name in volunteer service.  They wanted to hire people who could work with all sorts of people not only as claims reps but as people who knew exactly how to make their customers know they were cared about and understood.  I had no idea when I listed all the volunteer services I had worked in that that would be the #1 thing this particular employer was seeking.  They had tons of candidates with claims experience.  They didn't have tons of candidates with loads of volunteer experience.  You may very well have developed the skills that one employer is seeking and you won't know that until you put the resume and the cover letter together and start sending them out.  And - these folks didn't know me from Adam - so, it isn't always who you know that gets your foot in the door of a good employer either.

Andromeda I agree with all that has been shared and just would like to add that I found "fear " haunted me when I projected too far into the future, It is fine to make a rough draft of plans and then come back to today , stay in the moment, in the day and take the next right action one day at a time.

Your HP has your back and as Woody Allen reminds us: "Eighty percent of success is showing up".
Prayers for a positive outcome all around.

seems like the last time I wrote you, I mentioned one day at a time?  That is the only way to stop this fear. Each day, do what  you can, then let it go. A year??? what?

My home is the only thing I didn't lose from my AH's disease. I fight to keep it. The mortgage company pulled illegal things. I fought it for years then said that is that. Its insane. I have NO idea what is going to happen. I have not paid a payment in six years. Others are like me. They won't accept payments, I tried. In fact they sent me five hundred bucks. then just a week ago they sent me a hundred fifity. insane. so what I am saying is this, I take one day at a time. it is out of my control.

so I pay my bills, am frugal. enjoy my animals and my loved ones when I get to see them.

For you it may be to work out some possible options for you and kiddo. there has to be someone who son could get a ride with to tournaments. I know it is not what you want, but it is an option. Look for jobs at home. I know a friend who worked for the phone company at home.

Maybe take a career class at your community college to delve into what may show you many, many options fit for you.

Its hard to leave what is familiar. this is why we must be sure when we go that we are ready to go for it. For me I was forced into it. Lived in a room in my barn for petes sake.

Life does give you options, you are a smart gal and believe me I have faith you can go for what you want and get it.Living without the turmoil and influence of an A is soooo much better. believe me

As far as insurance, you are not even divorced yet. So for now, you have it. EACH day you have what you do. Many hospitals will write off debts when you cannot pay.

So what do you have to do tomorrow? Sounds like you need to focus right now on your health. let the rest go until you feel better.

Take it all as it comes. You do not have to make any decisions now. Maybe feeling so fearful is becuz you are not ready to make those decisions that scare you. Its ok to take care of your health, and take a breather. This is  a HUGE decision.  coast a bit.

take a breath. I remember being so freaked about this math class at college. the prof was Asian i could not understand a word he said. I needed to drop it but thought it would screw up  my money, my credits etc. I was losing it.   I talked to someone, financial aid. They said no problem. I could drop it all was cool, I mean I was on the honor roll.. geez/ the relief i still remember!

It will all be ok. son will be fine as long as you are. Please be kind to yourself. Are you sticking money away? Remember a's lie. Protect YOU. Maybe just look at jobs, homes etc. Have fun with it.

hugs honey...

Andromeda - Go in the direction of faith. This whole program has been about relieving yourself of the bondage of self. Your AH has not kept you in shackles. You have.

I remember somewhere in my studies hearing that when we have a fear, it is often time a sign that that is the exact direction we need to head in because our dream is to accomplish the thing that we may be scared we can't. To me, it sounds like your dream is to have your independence, control of your own finances, to have your career back, and to have your son functioning out there in the world on his own even if it means you have to let go some and watch him flounder a bit. So I also remember hearing a quote from Thoreau: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams." To me, you have but one chance to make your dreams come true in this life and confidence just means "have faith." I'd rather die in the street having chased some of my dreams than live in a self imposed prison of fear.

Andromeda: This is what I see: On the left side of you is a pile of huge boulders all marked with something that can be viewed as a deterrent or a fear. Directly in front of you is a path that leads to what you have been saying you want for yourself and for your son. On the right of you is a ton of listeners and encouragers who have been there, done that. Behind you is a fire of hostility and unhappiness. You stand between the boulders and the encouragers, looking in the direction of your dreams, you speak, your encouragers respond and then you turn to the left and pull one boulder after another off that huge pile of fears and deterrents and place them in front of yourself and the path to your dreams if what you have been saying what is truly what you want. The fire burns hotter behind you while you wall yourself in with boulders that stand in the way of what you have repeatedly said you want for you. Venting is helpful to a degree but it can also become counterproductive. It truly is up to you which direction you want to go and how many stumbling blocks that you want to put in the way of what you want. I do want to support you in what you say you want for yourself and the getting there, but I'm now confused if you want to stay or if you really want to go?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of December 2014 04:05:56 PM

Grateful, Oh please don't be confused. I want to go. Fear is truly my immobilizer right now. Although, I have to admit I am a lot like the alcoholic in my life when I see that I am comfortable here and that things are predictable, despite the alcoholism and environment. I know that my AH is unhappy but he, too, is unwilling to file for divorce or take the next step. I certainly can't criticize him for not taking actions when I'm just as guilty as he is. We're both mired in the "well, this is at least comfortable and I don't have to painstakingly split everything up and I don't have to deal with the courts, etc etc etc"

I know why I stay: financial benefit and a fantastic health insurance plan

But, there are lots of reasons I should leave. The first thing I have to do is find out what's going on with my back.

I love your visual aid in the message above, Grateful, that was very helpful. And, I love what Pink shared, too. El Cee mentioned that this is stealing my serenity and I have to agree. Yet, I feel calm when I think about moving on, but then I get fearful when I think about the details in getting there. Like the big picture of me living on my own, providing for myself, moving forward brings me peace when I put forth that mental picture. It's those stepping stones along the way that trip me up and create anxiety: the packing, selling the house, dealing with AH's craziness and instability(this is a big one), going back to work, managing a totally new schedule and way of life. Those are things that make me sit back and then say, "Well, it's not THAT bad here......." I never take into account the fact that this life I have today could change in an instant. Another DUI? We'd be done for. Loss of AH's job? We'd be done for financially, etc.

I really need to increase my prayer and quiet time and work hard at listening to that still small voice within.

I understand your fear as the fear of leaving kept me paralyzed for a long time.I was very afraid to end the relationship because of financial fears,but when I looked at the big picture I was more afraid of not ending it.I became convinced that if I didn't risk change my life would be one depressing chaotic event after the next.I came to a place where  I could no longer function myself from the stress of living with an active A.I knew my life would never change and that was too depressing for me to imagine.Most of my fears have been unfounded.I have a place to live, I have food.I have what I need right now.I only have to keep following this path and things will be the way they are supposed to be.

Andromeda, I would start with one small plan, just pick one issue and beginning planning how to resolve it. Forget all the fears for now and focus on you and that one issue to start! I would work on getting a few certificates of training under my belt, Robert Half International has an outstanding website for training, called Skillport, available to you after you sign up with them to start job hunting. I earned around 25 of those certificates from accounting to excel training.

I did not want my marriage to end. Whenever i thought of leaving
My whole body would literally shut down. I couldnt do it in reality.
Fear,rejection,abandoment,shame, on and on the list of my stuff
Brewing way beneath the surface of my consciousness.

It took My dry ah to ask for a divorce and leave the home before my healing
Trully started. I am still home after 5 months and the divorce is going
Forward with ah being the aggresser. He has a gf and he wants to move
Back into our home because his business is on the property. We are now
At the financial stage it is unpleasant after 29 years. We still have debt
And he needs to face his consequences. And he does attend AA but he is not
Interested in working on our marriage at all. He only wants out to start a
New life.

I love that Hotrod!!!

Courage comes from feeling the fear and taking a step anyway. Creating a resume is a very conservative step and given that you are aware of all your assets and the things you have done as an employee, a mother, a wife, an Al-Anon member, a church member, etc, once you sit down and do it, you'll come up with a mighty fine resume. If you're like me at all, you'll find yourself wondering as you actually do the task why you resisted just sitting down and doing it for so long. (((B))) You can do this.  In my experience, it takes more energy to resist doing what I know I need to do than it does to do it.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 21st of December 2014 10:56:59 AM

Yes, I was just noticing and remembering how this post is much different then your current posts. So much growth, and so many changes, and stepping out in faith, both in your HP and in yourself! So uplifting!!

Kenny